


When Time Didn't Stop

by orphan_account



Series: The Queens Universe [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Background IwaOi - Freeform, Bottom! Kageyama Tobio, Breakups, Broken Hearts, Butt Slapping, Cancer, Caraphernelia - Freeform, Crying, Dark! Hinata, Dates, Dirty Talk, Drinking, Drunkenness, Emotional Sex, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Fuckbuddies, Fun Background AsaNoya, Funerals, Grief/Mourning, Hatesex, Heartbreak, Hearts, Hinata Never Gets A Break I Swear Poor Child, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Just same hopeless gays playing volleyball really, KageHina - Freeform, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Kissing, Leukemia, Lost Love, Love, M/M, Major Character Injury, Making Up, Minor Character Death, More Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Phone Calls, Pinching, Pining Yamaguchi, Possessive Tsukishima Kei, Previous abusive relationship(s), Sexual Content, Some Background AsaNoya, Spanking (Sort Of), Threats, Top! Kageyama Tobio, Top! Tsukishima Kei, Training Camp, hints at depression, tsukkikage - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 21:29:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 130,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6130678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It always seems slower in the movies. Sometimes a shattering effect is even used to fully convince the audience of the actor's broken heart. For Hinata and Kageyama, it was as if time decided to function normally.</p><p>A broken heart turned to a prolonged ache, and that faded to a dull pain. Even that subsided to dusty memories.</p><p>Time never stood still for Hinata and Kageyama, and they both figured it never would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The whole thing was mainly because it was always too fast with Hinata. 

Not too fast in the way it might seem at first. Not a too fast quick, or a too fast misery. Not necessarily uncomfortable.

It was the too fast kisses, and the fleeting smiles followed by something new. It was grabbing Kageyama's hand and pulling him into a sudden adventure, then seamlessly and sometimes simultaneously into another one. It was laughing till it hurt and crying till it felt like his eyes were bleeding, and it was all too fast. Too fast to process, and too fast to care.

It was movie nights, and jumping off low bridges, and skinny dipping in Kageyama's neighbor's pool. It was a clink of bottles and the snap of a camera. It was feeling sparks dance along his skin, and his heart speed up till it felt it might jump right out of his chest. It was growing past nerves, and letting Hinata's flow carry him along. It was so, so,  _so fast._

It was Hinata whispering soft words, and Kageyama returning them without hesitation. It was their friends smiles and knowing looks when they came out. It was running in their school hallways, and sliding down railings. It was panting for breath, and craving that feeling when things ever so often settled down.

It was the way he found it a bit hard to breath when he would talk about his future with Hinata, and would let himself daydream of Hinata in it aloud. It was a promise that no matter what they would beat the world and it's stupid problems. It was screaming at stars and wishing on the moon. Maybe it was the feeling of a hand in his own, and a smile at the way Hinata's hand would sweat nervously, matching his own. 

Rushed contact, out of breath living. It was feeling euphoria at the thought of a certain ginger boy, and not worrying about at least one factor in his life. Finding Hinata in his arms, kissing nightmares away, and running while staying shocked still were what could almost describe the speed.

It was the way Hinata would climb into Kageyama's room at 3:00 A.M, and procure fake I.D's with a mischievous smile. Before Kageyama knew it he was waking up in Hinata's bed and cursing at the pounding in his skull. So fast. A whole different kind of fast than the kind he would encounter on the volleyball court.

Sometimes he would wonder if that fast was worth it, if raising his heartbeat was truly what his remaining high school years needed. But that would all be chased away by that glint in Hinata's eyes, and a demanding kiss. It was shunned by speed previously unknown to Kageyama. Fast touches, rushed love, hurried affection. Always speeding up, never slowing down out of subconscious fear of reality creeping up on them.

He noticed that they were getting faster and faster, but never once approached Hinata about it. That fast flowed through Hinata's veins, if was practically Hinata revealing his soul. So when he sped up he didn't protest the way his vision started getting blurry. So what if it was fast? Fast was good, right?

Almost too fast to notice.

It was not too fast for Kageyama to wish that his doubt would disappear like Hinata's shame after a few drinks. It was not too fast for him to be able to honestly pretend he didn't see Hinata practically shoving his tongue down someone else's throat. It was not too fast to hurt him like something he'd never experienced or dreamed he would experience.

It was not too fast to not notice how Hinata's health was slowly and steadily declining. It was not too fast to miss Hinata seeming more annoyed with him than in love with him. It was just barely not too fast for Kageyama to wonder how he got into this mess, and wishing that all answers didn't lead to Hinata.

Kageyama didn't initially dislike the speed. It was just a part of Hinata, like the way he would drum his fingers when he was bored or how his eyes would light up when he smiled. But, as time passed, Kageyama grew to resent the speed and its empty promises. He didn't want the ridiculous pictures he couldn't remember taking, and he didn't need the alcohol to love Hinata.

Resent turned to hate as more and more times would prove the fast wasn't good. When Hinata insisted it was just the alcohol, he didn't love that other guy, Kageyama inwardly blamed that speed. When arguments increases and love was all but pushed to the back of his mind, if he could even think about it, that fast feeling was to blame.

He really was just aching for things to slow down. He was tired of the fast, and realised it made him unhappy. It no longer made his heart race, just made him resentful. It turned smiles to frowns and ruined good moments. He started imagining a world where he could just live at a normal speed. He didn't know why the fast has ever appealed to him.

So when be said, "I'm breaking up with you, Hinata," he felt relieved at how time was finally working as it should. It always seems slower in the movies. Sometimes a shattering effect is even used to fully convince the audience of the actor's broken heart. For Hinata and Kageyama, it was as if time decided to function normally.

A broken heart turned to a prolonged ache, and that faded too a dull pain. Even that subsided to dusty memories. They didn't drift apart, but the fleeting touches were a thing of the past. Their quick remained unique, yet that was not as much of a tie between them as it had once been.

Hinata had realized his mistakes all too late, and stopped the drinking. Strangers no longer found themselves in Hinata's bed or vice versa, and hope grew in Hinata's heart. Kageyama would notice, right? And he would want Hinata back, now that he had slowed down a notch or two or five. Kageyama would-

Kageyama didn't really care.

Kageyama started dating Tsukishima, and Hinata allowed himself to admit, finally, that he had taken Kageyama for granted. He would never get another chance, so he might as well be happy for his... friend. Not his boyfriend, not his lover, his  _friend._ And maybe that was when his heart really broke, in complete silence and secrecy.

Time never stood still for Hinata and Kageyama, and they both figured it never would.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter was edited by the wonderful, the amazing, the astounding SilverDragon00.

Kageyama didn't notice anything at first.

Who could really blame him? He had moved on, he was a full two months into his second year, and he prided himself on having a good relationship with Tsukishima. He had accomplished something incredible in the beginning of second year - he'd gotten an 82% on a test - and he had no holes in his life that he could detect. In fact, he would even consider himself golden.

And maybe being golden meant being more distanced friends with Hinata, maybe a bit more distance than he had originally wanted, but that was fine. It was all just . . . Fine. And it wasn't exactly like Hinata was trying hard to become close with Kageyama again. In fact, Hinata held up the distance between them in an almost religious way.

Their quick was still frighteningly fast, Kageyama had achieved a score over eighty, and Kageyama had Tsukishima. So it was alright, and he didn't mind the (at least what he considered) extra space between them, maybe it was simply a way to balance out life a bit more.

That didn't mean he didn't still notice Hinata.

Oh, he tried to deny it. He tried on so many levels. He tried to ignore how looking at Hinata still made him ache a little bit inside, tried to pretend that he he didn't care a ridiculous amount that Hinata had gotten better with his alcoholism, and Kageyama tried to make himself fully and truly believe that there was only Tsukishima in his heart, there was simply no room for Hinata too shine like the sun he was in there any longer than he already had.

He pretended that Hinata Shoyou never broke his heart, and Tsukishima simply picked up the pieces and fixed them wordlessly.

Because even though it was Kageyama who broke up with Hinata, it didn't break his heart any less. Kageyama had a mother who was strong, and when her relationship with Kageyama's dad turned abusive she left and brought Kageyama with her. It broke her heart, but she wasn't willing to let her child or her live in that atmosphere. She kept the name and the ring and nothing else.

So, like mother like son, Kageyama knew when his relationship was destroying him. Every single night with Hinata was poison in his veins, and Hinata was getting out of control and steadily ruining all that Kageyama was with his bad habits and crazed adventures. Kageyama knew when it was too much, and he was willing to save himself and hopefully Hinata too if that was what was necessary.

He didn't know that Hinata would get better without him, but he had to hope. He had to distance himself at least a bit so that his resistance wouldn't crumble and break him for good. And he hated Hinata whilst loving him, so it was painful to live in a world where time worked the way it should but it was simultaneously salvation.

And yes, he didn't initially mean for the distance to grow between them that much, but he decided (at least subconsciously) that his closeness with Hinata was an alright price to pay for being golden with the moon and having time working the right way.

So he still tried to not notice Hinata, at least not the way he used to, but he noticed after it became too blatantly obvious to ignore. It was somewhere along the midway point of the second month of his second year, and he was in a class with Hinata in the morning. He walked in right as some kids clustered around a desk laughed together.

And that wasn't the important thing. Not the kids clustered around the one desk with the one kid, but the laugh coming out of the center kid. It sounded distinctly . . . Wrong. Like something slightly hesitant and maybe a little bit adventurous but mostly just a simple unsure sound. Perhaps one of the kids, the center kid, wasn't actually laughing?

Kageyama couldn't see who the center kid was due to all the other students surrounding them, but he simply tried to forget about the laugh and sat down in his own respective desk. He wondered if maybe the student in the center was new and that was why their laugh sounded to unsure.

When the lesson started and Kageyama glanced around the room, however, there was no new student. The kid at the center had been . . . Hinata? How  . . . ?

The teacher called for Kageyama's attention and he promptly tried to forget, like he did with so many things, the confusion regarding Hinata's possible laugh and all the implications that it wasn't the one he was used to hearing.

The second time was after school a few days later. Hinata and Kageyama no longer raced each other to the gym, but somehow Hinata would usually be in there first anyway. This time, however, Hinata was outside the gym talking with no other than Oikawa Tooru.

Confusion overtook Kageyama. Why was Hinata talking to 'The Grand King' of all people? And why did he look so crazily . . . happy about it?

As Kageyama approached them he heard Oikawa say, "- Oh no, I'm not going to steal you away from your practice or try to make you change schools like a certain person from a different school would, Shou-chan." By that point, Kageyama's mind was simply reeling.  _Shou-chan_ ? Hinata talking with _Oikawa_?   


All that was dashed away at the sound of laughter. By no means was it ugly laughter, or even a little unpleasant in conventional terms. It was actually, in fact, the kind of laughter that was infectious, that sounded like an angel and almost screamed "I'm actually the literal definition of perfection love me." Had it come from anyone else Kageyama would have probably appreciated the beautiful laugh a bit more than he did.

But the laugh didn't come from anyone else, it came from the Hinata he thought he still knew at least a little, and Kageyama did not remember Hinata's laugh sounding like that, so he suddenly realised how easily it is so hate something so simple as a beautiful laugh. Especially one directed at Oikawa, of all the other, more sensible people Hinata could be laughing with.

He didn't mean to stop where he had been walking and stare right at them, but he noticed that that was exactly what he had been doing after Oikawa drawled out, "Don't worry, Tobio-chan, I won't keep your cute little spiker for long, we were almost finished talking anyways."

Hinata hadn't even noticed him. Hinata turned around so that he was facing Kageyama and took a step backward so that he was standing next to Oikawa. Kageyama tried to pretend he didn't hate the fact that Hinata was actually backing away from him and into the arms of that annoying ex-captain. He tried to pretend he didn't even see Oikawa's arm snake around Hinata's waist a little too _low_ for Kageyama's liking.

He was already pretending not to see, hear, and feel so much more than that, what could pretending that moment didn't affect him do that was any or at all worse?

"Oh, yeah, it's fine Kageyama. I'm just going to talk to Tooru for a few more moments, 'kay?" And that was the most that Hinata had spoken to him outside of anything volleyball themed for literal weeks. Kageyama didn't like to think about that, and he didn't like how the taste of his reply fault in his mouth.

He walked into the gym. He tried to ignore _Tooru_ , and _Shou-chan_ , and the arm lowly hooked around Hinata's waist. He looked around for something to distract him, anything.

A tap at his arm came like salvation from the heavens. Kageyama turned to see Tsukishima. "Hello Kei," he greeted his boyfriend, allowing himself to smile. Sure, the smile was small and hardly even there, but it meant more than a lopsided grin ever would have for the two boys. The tall blonde gave Kageyama a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Hello Tobio. I was thinking, my place is free tonight . . . ?" Ah. Kageyama wanted to thank whatever God was up there pulling strings for him conveniently just then.

"Will there be more of . . . " Kageyama gave Tsukishima a slightly less chaste kiss than the one he had just received, "this?" After having Hinata and then getting with Tsukishima, Kageyama was less flustered about certain topics and had significantly improved game. As Noya liked to put it, 'Kageyama got smooth enough you could slip.'

While Kageyama certainly wasn't that smooth, his lessened awkwardness combined with Tsukishima's low-key surprisingly relationship prowess made neither of them very shy about talking about certain topics in public or at all.

Tsukishima smirked at Kageyama's response. "May be if you're lucky, King." While Kageyama didn't like anyone else calling him 'King' things were a bit different with Tsukishima. They had definitely come a long way since their bitter and straight up borderline dangerously hostile attitudes to each other while they had both still been simple, young first years.

Kageyama raised an eyebrow, "And when was the last time I ever actually didn't get lucky?" His tone was the border between teasing and sensual, and he would usually have gotten flustered had he been like this with anyone else but Tsukishima . . . He brought out quite a few things in Kageyama that made his life a . . . Erm . . . definitely interesting one.

Tsukishima opened his mouth to reply, his golden eyes showing a bit of an excitement glowing like embers behind their bright sheen, but someone coughed behind them. "Um, excuse me?" Hinata said. Kageyama turned to look at him and saw that Hinata wasn't sad like he would sometimes look whenever he and Tsukishima had a little bit of PDA going on. No, Hinata just looked a little bit uncomfortable to Kageyama, no sadness.

Tsukishima, of course, was only ever as possessive with Kageyama as he could get around Hinata. Tsukishima knew all about how Hinata was all of Kageyama's firsts. Hinata was Kageyama's first kiss, his first love, his first boyfriend, his first fuck, his first heartbreak, and his very first break up. Hinata had claimed all of those, and even though they were completely over, he would get a little bit jealous around Hinata and almost rub his relationship with Kageyama in the little red-head's face.

Tsukishima pulled Kageyama back, but right into Tsukishima's arms in an almost alarmingly close fashion. "Go ahead, shrimpy," Tsukishima told the small spiker with only a taste of underlying venom hiding inside of his voice. Hinata didn't look sad this time either, he simply gave Tsukishima a look like he was being weird and walked right past the two boys.

Kageyama and Tsukishima went to practice as well after Ennoshita called for them, and Kageyama once again thanked whatever God must have pulled a string or two because nothing happened in practice that made him worry or confused. Hinata's laugh was normal, and even though he still had thoughts and feelings of confusion regarding Hinata and Oikawa, they were quickly discarded and forgotten after his night spent at Tsukishima's place.

At that moment of time, Kageyama could once again ignore all of the the little rips and call the tapestry that was his life golden.

Approximately a week later, however, it happened again.

That week Kageyama felt alright, hell, even good. His grades were still higher than ever before (most likely because he could use boyfriend guilt and kisses as payment for tutoring from Tsukishima) and a somewhat strange thing had been happening all week that he was most certainly not complaining about, even if he verbally would pretend he was.

Hinata was talking to him. Not about volleyball necessarily, but just in general. Hinata wouldn't borderline ignore Kageyama in classes, and he would take the time to approach him to talk about pretty much anything. It was like overnight Kageyama had regained his old pre-relationship friendship with Hinata, which he would never tell how happy that actually made him.

And maybe Hinata's laugh had been a little bit different at times, but he was willing to ignore that. It was not until nearing the end of school one day when Hinata told Kageyama that he couldn't go to practice that Kageyama remembered certain things. _Tooru. Shou-chan. An arm dangerously low around Hinata's waist._

"Why?" Kageyama questioned him. Hinata just smiled for a moment and shrugged. Kageyama raised an eyebrow. "C'mon, at least tell me why you're being a dumbass instead of making me guess." Hinata sighed in reluctance.

"I'm going somewhere with Oikawa." As soon as the words leave Hinata's mouth Kageyama kind of regrets asking because he did not really want to know. Why was Hinata fine with Oikawa's arm so low? And Kageyama doesn't want to but he feels his chest squeeze itself up a little bit like a muscle flexing to try and not feel a punch. Too bad that the punch came before the flex for Kageyama this time.

"Oh." Kageyama replied, and he found that he hated how desperately sad his voice suddenly was. Why should he be sad? He had Tsukishima! Hinata could go off with Oikawa forever! And Kageyama had been the one to break up with Hinata!

For God’s fucking sake, they were just friends!

Still, he couldn't stop the rising feeling in him. He couldn't even really identify it. It wasn't rage, it wasn't sadness. It simply made him upset, and he kind of wanted to know exactly why Oikawa was suddenly so close to Hinata but at the exact same time Kageyama was scared to ever find out because what if? Just . . . What if? Before he could stop himself the words simply took over, had a life of their very own. They burst out and disrupted their conversation in a bad way.

"Are you dating Oikawa, Hinata?" The words sounded almost harsh, and Kageyama wanted to wince at how incredibly rude he had sounded just then. He debated taking back the wild words due to their awful nature, but Hinata didn't seem to mind. In fact, he laughed.

Which just happened to be awful. Oh no, not like it was a bad laugh. It was that heart-wrenchingly beautiful laugh than made people want to sing and laugh along and tell stories. It was that fucking amazing little bit of sound that was like a service to everyone within earshot because if how nice that laugh was. It was that ridiculously nice laugh that made Kageyama want to cry and scream because that was not how the Hinata he knew's laugh sounded .

"Oikawa and me? Oh no, trust me. We aren't dating. He's just giving me advice with playing. Just because I used to resent him doesn't mean that he isn't a good teacher, or that he isn't insanely good at volleyball." The news that Oikawa and Hinata weren't dating shouldn't have made Kageyama feel like jumping up and pumping his fist in the air.

But it did feel like doing exactly that. And he hated himself for it just as much as he was trying to still deny it all.

"Oh. Ok. I just . . . " Kageyama didn't have an explanation really, so his response was a bit rocky and awkward, "um, would've been , I mean, I just thought it would be been weird, like, that's all." Kageyama hoped that his ears weren't burning red from all of the embarrassment that he was feeling at that moment, and that there wasn't red on his cheeks or on his neck either. "Sorry," Kageyama choked out feeling positively uncomfortable.

Hinata laughed again, and maybe he could (at least subconsciously) tell that Kageyama was tense and uncomfortable, so his laugh sounded like the one Kageyama was used to, not the new and strange one that he couldn't help but dislike because it wasn't the laugh that his Hinata would laugh.

(Kageyama honestly tried not to think about the Hinata he used to date as just 'his' Hinata, but many times he exactly so without even thinking about it. He didn't want to hold onto the memory of a person who could never fully return, but he would find himself grasping at nothing sometimes and it drove both him and Tsukishima absolutely crazy.)

Hinata put a gentle hand on Kageyama's shoulder, a reassuring, simple touch that Kageyama should not have enjoyed. He shouldn't have had to feel a little bit guilty about Tsukishima. "It’s fine, Kageyama. I mean, if I randomly saw you hanging out with, I don't know, Aone, I would probably ask if you two were dating or insane, especially if Aone was as crazily touchy as Oikawa is. I swear, he hangs off of everyone."

Kageyama nodded. Of course Oikawa was touchy, he knew that. Hell, he'd even been on the same team as Oikawa and seen him in the act of being crazily touchy with just about everyone. (He just couldn't help but think that he never remembered Oikawa being so touchy as to practically be _groping_ someone's ass, but it wasn't his business.)

Then the school day ended and Kageyama went off to volleyball and Hinata went off God knows where, and Kageyama tried not to be disappointed every time the gym door opened and it wasn't Hinata saying sorry he was late. He even tried not to think of Hinata at all. Kageyama invited Tsukishima over that night, as Kageyama's mother was on a business trip, and the raven haired boy decided to finally just say it to Tsukishima, maybe that would stop his weird thinking about Hinata too much.

"I love you," Kageyama said after Tsukishima slipped out of him that night, and the tall blonde smirked.

"You too, king."

And that was really it. It wasn't like with Hinata where after their confessions they had talked to each other first hours about how they wanted each other in their lives, they talked about crazy stuff and they talked about deep stuff. No, when Kageyama confessed he didn't have anywhere close to the same experience as it had been when he had been with Hinata.

No, he simply got the statement back and fell asleep in Tsukishima's arms. And it was peaceful, and actually pretty nice. It was alright that they were different, Kageyama concluded, because that was really more or less the point. Tsukishima and Hinata were totally different people, and the fact that somehow every moment with Tsukishima, even the one where he confessed love, every moment had time functioning properly.

Not too fast like they way it had been with Hinata. And time didn't stop at all like it's fabled to do during dramatic or vastly important moments to a person. No, time was always working exactly how it usually did and exactly how Kageyama wanted it.

Kageyama tried to remember that the next time it happened, but the experience was so jarring and almost life-altering it was hard at that moment to think about how nice his relationship was with Tsukishima over his complete and utter confusion and then sadness mixed with outrage, because oh how dare that little fucking shrimp.

It happened only three days after the weekend after Kageyama confessed his love to Tsukishima. Hinata was actually at practice, and Kageyama was on edge because the only laugh he had heard out if Hinata all day had been the beautiful fake one that made him want to ask what the fuck Hinata thought he was doing because that was not how Hinata's laugh should have sounded.

Not to mention that Hinata had gotten a haircut and he looked strange with his hair not as long as it had been. That coupled with the weird, wonderful yet horribly fake laugh made Kageyama already a bit tense before walking into practice.

Then, he tried taking a deep breath before walking into the gym, because hey, that could work. Kageyama was so worked up he was willing to try. (He was also getting more tense and agitated because he didn't want to be thinking or worrying about Hinata so much. He had literally just confessed to Tsukishima and not gotten rejected, shouldn't he really have been thinking about him instead?)

Right as he was exhaling and feeling a little bit better, however, a voice said, "Why hello there, Tobio-chan!" Immediately, his teeth gritted. He slowly turned to see big brown eyes and perfect hair. Kageyama sighed, because of course it would be Oikawa. Who else could it have been?

"Hello Oikawa. What do you want?" Kageyama said with maybe a little bit or a lot a bit less grace than he would have usually at least tried to keep in his tone. He somewhat hoped that he didn't look too resentful to Oikawa, but also somewhat didn't care because he really didn't like Oikawa.

Oikawa's eyebrows had raised in slight surprise at Kageyama's lack of even a little bit of eloquence in his speech. Oikawa could see right through Kageyama, and smirked, looking like a smug little shit. Kageyama wanted to snap Oikawa upside the head at that particular moment.

"Oh, Tobio-chan, you must mean who do I want. I would never refer to Shou-chan as a what." Shou-chan. Why did that bother him so incredibly much? Kageyama rolled his eyes, and suppressed the overwhelming feeling to tell Oikawa to simply leave the Karasuno team alone to practice in peace, but he calmed down enough to be somewhat civil.

"So I'm assuming that you mean you want Hinata, right?" Kageyama tried not to sound so irked when he spoke, but it didn't come out exactly as he planned it. Oikawa's eyebrows shot up even more and the ex-captain was seemingly non verbally gloating. About what Kageyama wasn't sure, but he could tell that Oikawa was most definitely bragging.

"Oh no, I don't want Hinata, Tobio-chan, I need to see him and talk to him soon. There's quite a large difference really." Kageyama just rolled his eyes again at Oikawa and his ever so slightly condescending tone running underneath Oikawa's sugar sweet voice.

"He's most likely just stretching inside the gym,  . . . Why don't you just come over to the doorway and talk to him or something?" Kageyama suggested, not liking the idea of Oikawa strolling into the Karasuno gym like he owned it and talking to Hinata like he owned the small ginger. Oikawa's smirk, sadly to Kageyama, didn't disappear but got a bit more gleeful in its nature.

"Ah, that sounds like a wonderful idea, Tobio-chan. Thank you," Oikawa drawled as he walked up to the entrance of the gym next to Kageyama. "Oh my," Oikawa said suddenly.

"What?" Kageyama asked, suddenly just a little bit curious. There wasn't anything special going on inside if the gym, literally just people stretching. Hinata's back was facing the gym door, and he obviously hadn't heard Oikawa's voice as he still looked pretty oblivious to Oikawa's presence right outside of his own gym door.

"His ass looks _fantastic_ while doing that stretch," Oikawa commented. Before Kageyama could reply, Oikawa had called Hinata over and Kageyama had left them to their conversation. From the few small glances he took of them, they actually looked fairly serious. Perhaps they were simply talking about volleyball and strategies.

Not that that made sense to Kageyama at all. Why would Oikawa be helping Karasuno, the very team that beat Oikawa's team when they thought they were going to win? It just . . . Didn't add up right. Not that Kageyama was ever especially good at math.

Oikawa said goodbye, and Hinata yelped a second later, jumping and holding his butt with his left hand. When he saw the team looking at him strangely, he explained, "He keeps surprise pinching my ass to 'keep me on my toes.' Personally, I think that's just Oikawa's little way of being a douchebag."

Tanaka snorted at that, and while Kageyama didn't like the fact that Oikawa made a comment about Hinata's ass and pinched it in a five minute time span, he also was very aware it wasn't even close to being his ass to be protective over. And Hinata, while he had admittedly called Oikawa a douchebag, hadn't seemed to do it out of actual dislike. More like friendly teasing.

And that was what really, really fucking scared Kageyama.

As practice went on, no matter how many reassuring touches he got from Tsukishima he couldn't help but think about it all. Oikawa had somehow crawled his way right into Hinata's life, but that wasn't really Kageyama's concern. It was Hinata's friendship to have, not his. Still, something else seemed off. It had been feeling off for a while.

Hinata laughing was different and it was weird. Did he somehow not realize that sometimes his laugh sounded completely different and weird from the same laugh he had always had? Did he somehow think no one was noticing?

It was with that last thought that Kageyama realized it, and it hit him like a sucker punch to the stomach.

Oh shit. Hinata was changing his laugh.

After that, everything was clear to Kageyama in a way that it hadn't really been before he had reached that small epiphany. Hinata was changing his laugh, but that wasn't all. Hinata didn't tap his fingers on his desk anymore, and Hinata didn't bite his lip whenever he looked at the clock to see if he could leave class soon.

Hinata was changing so much, how could Kageyama be the only one to notice? Why wouldn't anyone give him a weird look when he laughed that not-so-new-anymore laugh the way Kageyama still sometimes did, and why did no one else seem to notice how Hinata's behaviour was actually changing at alarmingly fast rate.

Each new discovery of what Hinata was changing about himself brought about so many feelings in Kageyama. One, he wanted to just ask why. It had to be intentional, Kageyama couldn't see Hinata just naturally changing his laugh like that. Kageyama just wanted to know what was up with Hinata. He just wanted to know what could possibly have been a legitimate cause for all those little adaptations and changes of habit and all the changes of behavior.

Second, he wanted to punch Hinata Shoyou in the face. He had loved that boy on an intense level, and while Kageyama had left Hinata because that boy had mostly gone, a bit of that boy had stayed. Then, Hinata had regained more of that old Hinata. So why was Hinata getting rid of the last remaining original parts of the boy he had loved and then lost?

But Kageyama also just wanted to scream at himself. Because he had so many crazy little opportunities to confront Hinata. Whenever Hinata laughed that different laugh during practice Kageyama could just straight up ask him what his problem was, but he didn't. Whenever Oikawa would come and ask to talk to Hinata or simply take Hinata away for half of all of the practice, Kageyama could go after him and demand him to come back to practice already, you dumbass.

But there was more than just Hinata and Kageyama in the equation at that time. Kageyama didn't want to yell at Hinata and call him a dumbass in the middle of practice, because the Hinata he knew hated whenever his problems that were much more personal would be revealed to a lot of people in an atmosphere he wasn't expecting and couldn't control at all.

He also couldn't go up to Hinata out of school very much because of none other than Tsukishima. Maybe the blonde blocker had noticed Hinata and Kageyama were getting a little bit closer, because suddenly his possessiveness reached another level than before. Much of Kageyama's time was occupied by Tsukishima, and it wasn't like he minded very much at all. He did love Tsukishima, and it wasn't like he was dedicated to Hinata or something.

He also was aware of the fact that Tsukishima, while he was normally confident and cool and collected, was out really self-conscious and self-doubting regarding Kageyama. Mainly because Tsukishima had only had a girlfriend before Kageyama, and Hinata and Kageyama's relationship had been so intense and undeniable, he tried to hide it but Tsukishima really struggled with feeling like he wasn't really 'living up' to Hinata or something.

So Kageyama wasn't really looking to provoke more of Tsukishima being jealous or possessive or having insecurities. He resigned himself to simply gritting his teeth whenever Hinata would laugh that wondrous and simultaneously awful laugh that was just so fake, and wishing Hinata would stop whatever dumbass thing he had convinced himself to do.

And when Oikawa came around practice more and more often over the third month of second year, Kageyama tried to pretend he wasn't bothered by it like he pretended with so many other things. In fact, he even tried to ignore Oikawa's very existence, and spent more time with Tsukishima and more time studying and practicing.

His grades got even better, his skills were increasing, but he wanted to scream. He felt like he was in the process of compressing himself, and he was just so tired of pretending. He just wanted to go up to that infuriating little redhead, grab him by his collar and yell at him to stop the idiocy and go back to the Hinata that he loved.

But Kageyama could never do that. So he didn't comment when Hinata said something he never would have said before, tried to stop gritting his teeth every time Hinata laughed that annoyingly perfect yet terrible laugh, and tried to just look away when Oikawa would wait at the gym door the last few moments of practice for Hinata to be done and walk back to wherever with him.

It wasn't as if it was even any of Kageyama's business anymore.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was edited by the craziest of the crazy kids, SilverDragon00.

It was actually alright for at least a little while.

Sure, Kageyama didn't enjoy pretending in any way. After all, it was a bit of a sensitive subject for him. That and relationships of the same kind as his and Hinata's had been. The black haired boy had a rough history regarding abuse, from his father to his grandparents. It all really started with Kageyama's mother, though. Not that she was the catalyst for the unlucky family situations she got into, she simply wasn't fortunate.

Kageyama's mother was a strong willed woman born from strong willed parents. She disagreed with most everything her parents had believed in, and when Kageyama's mother was old enough she left her old life behind. Of course, she was also not quite fearless enough to openly defy her parents. Little acts of resistance made their way into her habits, but otherwise she pretended that her life was completely fine.

She wanted to abandon her old, fake self completely and thoroughly to become a new person and pursuing her dazzling dreams of a bright and incredibly, impossibly, infinite future.

Then, Kageyama came along. Not the black haired setter Kageyama, not Kageyama Tobio, but Kageyama Tobio's father. He was a dashing man, who - to put it in more simple terms - swept Kageyama's mother off of her feet.  He was smart and he worked in a line of business that interested her, and she was sad and he was willing to spend time on her. Kageyama's mother, the lover of poetry, felt he was simply too good of a person to leave for her unlikely and limiting dreams.

But then, even that relationship with time, turned too sour to handle. As previously mentioned, Kageyama's mother was too strong willed to stay with a man in an abusive relationship, and she promptly left her history with him and her heart in that shared bedroom in their small city apartment. Only, this time when she left she wasn't alone, she had her young child, Tobio.

Before she left, however, she let herself do something she had tried not to since her days living with her parents. She pretended everything was alright. She made up lies to herself that her situation wasn't going bad, that everything was just fine and she needed to be the one to change. And that ( subconscious or not ) choice started changing her. So maybe she left herself with Kageyama's father, but she also grabbed the fading, faint echo of herself on the way out the door.

And she promised to herself that she would never pretend anything was fine when it was positively awful ever again. For her own sake, and also for her son's sake. She raised Kageyama in a way that many have criticized her for and called harsh, but she called it realistic. Whenever the boys at school would hit Kageyama, she didn't tell him that they were just jealous of him.

No, she told him to hit them back - harder, and in the face.

Whenever Kageyama never had as high scores and grades as many of the other children he was growing up with and going to school with, she didn't tell him it was a matter of trying harder, or that he was still her 'special snowflake' or anything along those lines.

No, she told Kageyama that he needed to be taught in a way that more suited his learning style, and that it was simply a travesty that she couldn't afford to get him private tutoring. She told him that life isn't fair, that his grades might never be as high as the child with their learning style fitted better by the teachers, and that he was definitely not dumb. But she also told him that she couldn't do much to help him.

Sometimes she and Kageyama's personalities clashed to the point that Kageyama was close to throwing something or maybe just walking out, but they could always agree on one thing. They wouldn't lie, or pretend to the other. They wouldn't let themselves fall down that dark and slippery rabbit hole, for there hardly ever was a way to get yourself back up.

Kageyama's mother made Tobio promise to her that he wouldn't. That forever he wouldn't pretend to others or himself that his situation was perfectly fine if it was obviously not. She made him promise that he would stick up for what he needed and not let himself push him down the pretending hole. She told him to Make sure and not get into a habit of saying that things are fine if they are practically tearing you apart at the seams. 

So no, with all of the things that it meant to him with his history and his promises, Kageyama didn't enjoy pretending at all. He didn't like turning his head whenever he saw something he didn't agree with, he didn't like trying not to hear things that made him want to scream. He didn't like it especially because not doing so disagreed with something inside of Kageyama that was practically part of the very utter core of his being. 

He especially hated pretending he didn't hate Oikawa Tooru a lot more than was expected. Sure, it was excusable for Kageyama to resent Oikawa just in general, at least a little bit. After all, Oikawa, as well as his team, had beaten Karasuno and crushed their dreams. Their victory against them had lessened the sting, yes, but it was still upsetting. Then, Kageyama had some history with Oikawa while they were at the same school that made it understandable for Kageyama to generally not like Oikawa Tooru.

That didn't really excuse the burning feeling inside of him when ever he would see Oikawa, once again, waiting for Hinata after practice. How much could he teach Hinata anyway? Why wasn't Hinata looking for advice and assistance from, oh, their own senpais on their own team? Why did Hinata seek out Oikawa, of all people? Hinata almost had as much of an excuse to dislike Oikawa as much as Kageyama did.

So. . . Why did Hinata seem to be practically best friends with the older setter? Even if Kageyama had a friend who would turn up at practice a lot, he would probably get annoyed if they pinched his butt, or hung off of him, or just talked about ridiculous things to distract him while he was trying to practice. So why did Hinata seem to almost . . . Revel in Oikawa paying attention to him? Why did he not mind all the behavior that Kageyama found simply annoying?

The very fact that Hinata didn't mind Oikawa was like the cherry on top of his annoyance regarding the charismatic brunette. It all came to a peak one day, after the time Kageyama had asked Hinata if him and Oikawa were dating or not. During the week leading up to it, Oikawa had stopped showing up for only a moment at the beginning of practices or coming just for the last five minutes to walk with Hinata. No, Oikawa was showing up halfway through practice to wait for Hinata to be finished.

Some days it was better than other days. For example, a vast majority if the time Oikawa would simply be quiet and in the corner on his phone (in the corner because Ennoshita said it was silly for him to wait outside, it wasn't like he was still on his Aoba Johsai team anymore). In fact, some days Kageyama could forget the fact that Oikawa was even there, or at least pretend that he didn't notice the older boy.

But then other days it was like Oikawa was a demon from hell who had decided to bring his home (hell) to the gym. He would wink at Hinata during practice, pinch Hinata's butt, whisper in Hinata's ear during breaks, and occasionally shout out encouragement to Hinata from the sidelines. All the encouragement, however, would somehow sound sexual even if it was something as innocent as "Nice serve!

While all that Hinata would really do in response to Oikawa's little tendencies and jabs was roll his eyes and pointedly ignore Oikawa, it was a little hard for Kageyama to do that as well. First of all, Oikawa just being at the practices annoyed Kageyama to no end, and he found it hard to ignore Oikawa whenever the tall setter would be shouting out. Second, the fact that Oikawa was borderline or maybe simply flirting with Hinata made him unbelievably mad in a jealous way that he didn't even want to think about.

Third, he didn't want to do anything about how Oikawa being there made him incredibly on edge because that would prove that Oikawa was setting him on edge. And he didn't want to show weakness in front of the older setter, so Kageyama simply clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, hoping Oikawa would just stop showing up at Karasuno's practices like he seemed to be making into a habit of his.

The day that it all was suddenly too much for Kageyama was a day when Oikawa seemed to have made it his life's mission to make as many suggestive comments as possible. Kageyama had tried his best to just ignore Oikawa, to pretend he didn't exist, but it all was getting to be too much.  Even Hinata was getting a little bit distracted. Kageyama thought that he deserved a little bit of credit for lasting until even just the end of practice.

It was when everyone was finished and about to head off to change that it happened. Oikawa said, "My, my, Hinata. You're so sweaty and flushed." And those words alone shouldn't have been that suggestive, but with the way they played out of Oikawa, as well as the older setter's body language, made it seem almost predatory.  Hinata just rolled his eyes, but Kageyama snapped.

"Oikawa-" he started saying, and his tone was so intense everyone turned their head. They all had thought Kageyama wouldn't have been as cool with having Oikawa around as much (not that very many if them were) but he had surprised them with how nonchalant he had seemed about the brunette's presence. They were curious to see if he was finally showing a well-hidden annoyance.

However, all Kageyama had the chance to angrily speak was Oikawa's name before being stopped. Not by Oikawa, and not even by Hinata. No, the person to interrupt Kageyama by putting a hand over his mouth and giving him a stern, unyielding look was none other than their very own townsperson B - Yachi.

"No, Kageyama." She said. "Oikawa and Hinata are fine. Honestly, stop getting so worked up over them. Let them be." Everyone stared at Yachi. (Everyone but Oikawa and Hinata, but no one really noticed that at all.) They couldn't believe that she was actually . . . Defending Oikawa. Then again, it could have been because she wasn't there when they had their crushing defeat from Oikawa's team

"But-" Kageyama had moved her hand away from his mouth, and had been trying to protest. Had Yachi just gone and lost her mind?

"No. I don't care if you find him annoying, leave him be." Her words and expression were calm and firm, and Kageyama could tell he would be fighting a battle destined to lose if he continued trying to argue with her. She was completely set, there was no way to change her. And . . . Kageyama wondered what had happened to the slightly frantic, working hard to impress, always worried about them liking her Yachi.

There was a pause in which Kageyama looked at Yachi in a confused way, and the rest if the team didn't quite understand what was going on but somehow they knew it was important. Kageyama looked at Oikawa, then Hinata, then at Yachi in confusion. The silence stretched on, well past its given time, till Tsukishima broke it with simple words.

"C'mon, king. You're studying at mine tonight, remember?" And the spell of silence was broken. The tall blonde boy didn't wait for a response, he simply dragged Kageyama by the hand to the changing room, and the rest if the team followed. Kageyama still was confused, but he followed Tsukishima without giving him any trouble nonetheless. "You're such an idiot," Tsukishima muttered under his breath.

(And maybe the rest of the team didn't see, but a look with quite a bit of meaning passed between Oikawa, Hinata, and Yachi. A nonverbal communication happened that only took up the space of a few short seconds, and then Oikawa was loudly declaring himself waiting for Hinata, and Hinata made the usual racket he'd make while heading to the changing room, and Yachi pretended that she was surprised with herself that she managed to stand up to such a scary person as Kageyama. And maybe, just maybe, they were able to convince the others so thoroughly that they believed a moment too. )

When Hinata was changing that very day Nishinoya approached him. "So, Hinata. Your senpai wants to know something." Hinata turned to Noya and gave him his sunny look. (Well, his new sunny look, his old one had been replaced about a month ago ever so slightly, Kageyama didn't keep exact dates of when Hinata would change things about himself. He would simply notice and wish he hadn't and pretend he hadn't, as if that was what could actually be solving any problems for anyone.)

"Yes?" Hinata asked Noya. "Though, I'm not the smartest," Hinata chuckled ever so slightly (While the laugh had changed the chuckle had yet to, Kageyama tried not to appreciate its genuineness and simultaneously did appreciate it anyway), "but if I know the answer, sure I'll tell you. Don't get your hopes up though."

"You should know," Noya said, cocking a hip. "I mean, if you didn't that would be surprising even for you." By this point, most everyone was paying attention on some level, and Hinata looked curious.

"Yeah? And, what do you want to know? If you think I know then I guess I might." Hinata ran his fingers through his hair and made it a bit messier. That was a new habit as well, and Kageyama tried not to wonder if it was a nervous tick or not. Kageyama tried not to think about any of Hinata's new mannerisms, he just did sometimes and it drove him absolutely mad.

Noya was blunt. "Hinata, are you dating Oikawa?" By this time, Hinata was all changed and walking out slowly with Noya. Kageyama and Tsukishima were walking out ahead of them, and could hear every word. Kageyama couldn't help but feel little bit of deja vu to when he asked Hinata the same question and received a laugh in return. Of course, this time it was the fake, new one. Hinata never laughed his old one any more.

Hinata laughed for longer this time though, all the way till he was walking over to Oikawa to leave with. He turned to Nishinoya and gave him a wicked, sly little grin. Kageyama recognized the grin from nights of Hinata crawling through the black haired setter's window, a new adventure in hand. The memory leaves Kageyama just a tad bit sad and nostalgic to a different time. A touch from Tsukishima on his shoulder brings him back to reality.

"Um, Hinata? What are you laughing about, you look insane." Oikawa commented on Hinata's behaviour as Hinata came up to him, and surprised most everyone by almost copying Oikawa by hanging off of the brunette setter in a slightly clingy way. Hinata laughed just a second more before calming down. His smile remained, and Kageyama noticed that Hinata had forgotten to use the new version of his smile.

"I swear, everyone seems to think we're dating, Oikawa," Hinata told the brunette, still trying valiantly to hold off his laughs. Oikawa tilted his head a little bit and smiled with Hinata.

"You know, they aren't that far off." Oikawa said, and Hinata rolled his eyes. (That was another thing that Kageyama pretended he didn't notice, because even though Hinata had started rolling his eyes a lot more when he had been in a relationship with Kageyama, Hinata had started rolling his eyes way more.) They didn't clarify, and started walking away together when Nishinoya stopped them with a repeat if his previous blunt question.

"So are you guys dating or not?" They stopped where they had been walking and turned around together. Oikawa had his arm wrapped extremely low around Hinata's waist again, and was smirking in this smug way that made Kageyama want to punch it right off the brunette setter's attractive face.

"No," Oikawa said, eyes glinting a little bit as well, "we're not." It still felt like Oikawa was a puppeteer, though, pulling particular strings and laughing inwardly at how funny it was to make the puppets dance their little dance. It infuriated Kageyama in a whole different way than how other things did. And they could have left it at that, but Hinata just had to add something.

"What we have," the energetic ginger scrunched up his nose to think of the way to word what he was trying to say (this little thing hadn't been replaced yet, which Kageyama pretended he didn't appreciate), "is more . . . How do I say this . . . It's more _casual_ than that."

"Anyways, see ya~" Oikawa called out in a song song voice as they turned around together again. The team got a good view if Oikawa casually pinching Hinata's butt and Hinata lightly slapping Oikawa's arm.  And with that the two walked off and out, leaving those words to echo with the team for however long they decided to contemplate them.

_What we have is more . . . How do I say this . . . It's more casual than that._

Tsukishima lightly hit the side of Kageyama's head to get his attention. "C'mon, King." And that was all it took for a smile, a small one but definitely a smile, to grace Kageyama's face.

"Yeah, I know," he replied, falling into step with the tall blonde blocker. Kageyama tried his best to ignore the wistful look that Yamaguchi sent Tsukishima's way and failed to hide, as that would only stir up trouble. Sure, Tsukishima and the black haired setter had grown past differences and sorted out things, they had generally just made peace in several places, but Yamaguchi was still not 'sorted out' in that sense.

Even Kageyama could tell that Yamaguchi had feelings for Tsukishima, and that was saying something. While Tsukishima swore he had never even thought about his brown haired best friend that way, Kageyama drew insecurity and jealousy from Yamaguchi the same way that Tsukishima did with Hinata. (The difference, Kageyama would sometimes point out, was that Kageyama and Hinata weren't that good of friends anymore. They aren't as close as Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were.)

See, even though Tsukishima said he didn't have feelings for his best friend like that, that couldn't stop Kageyama over thinking about it. For example, Yamaguchi had the whole 'big eyes soft hair beautiful smile' crazy attractive thing going for him, and it was obvious that, while Kageyama was definitely attractive, it wasn't anywhere close to being in that way or even that general area of relative attractiveness.

Another thing that made Kageyama a bit paranoid was that Yamaguchi so blatantly had feelings for the tall blonde boy it was almost ridiculous. Yamaguchi would make little sighs whenever Kageyama and Tsukishima had some PDA moments, and maybe Yamaguchi was under the impression that he was subtle with his wistful and sad looks that would go Tsukishima's way, but he really wasn't fooling anyone at all.

And while Kageyama tried to remember that Tsukishima was his, that it was him that would rest in Tsukishima's arms, that it was him that would steal kisses from Tsukishima's mouth, that it was him that Tsukishima would say he was in love with, It was just hard. So Kageyama did his best to simply ignore it whenever Yamaguchi would show little sighs, and that way he could avoid conflict with Tsukishima.

One thing he never wanted to do was make Tsukishima be forced to choose between Kageyama and Yamaguchi. If it ever came to that, Kageyama would know it was not because he hadn't tried valiantly and fighted his best to prevent that day from ever coming to pass. Or at least delay it for as long as he could manage to hold all of it back. Maybe he desperately tried to stop a day like that from coming because of simply courtesy to Tsukishima, but it was most likely also because he was scared of whether or not Tsukishima would choose him over his childhood friend.

So yes, Kageyama simply ignored that wistful look while they were walking out like he did with so many others, and pretended yet again to be perfectly fine. After all, what did he really have to complain about? Even if Kageyama took the time to scour his brain, his resolution would be the same as when he first decided to just ignore the wistful looks bad small, sad sighs.

Not even a single, small thing.

That night their volleyball group chat received a message from none other than Sugawara Koushi. They had refused to have the third years removed from the chat even after they graduated, so they had two group chats, one for the volleyball team from the last year and one for the current one. The old group chat was sadly not used very much as it has generally been used to schedule extra practices or things along those lines, but the message from Suga was a pleasant surprise.

It had happened in the middle of Kageyama trying to distract Tsukishima from forcing him to study,  and Kageyama's phone made a little ding sound. (Tsukishima would have gotten the notification as well, but the blonde boy had forgotten to charge it so his phone was dead at the moment.) Kageyama sighed and checked his phone, unlocking it with the password 2255 (BALL). He saw that the text had come from the old volleyball group chat, and opened it.

 **Suga (Mom)** : Hey guys, Daichi and I are coming to visit and maybe play with you guys tomorrow, hope this isn't too out if the blue!

 **Crazy Bald Man** : SUGAAAAAA

 **Crazy Bald Man** : ITS BEEEN 4EVRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

 **Shortest** : IS ASAHI VISITING WITH U GUYS???????

 **Suga (Mom)** : Sorry, you know he goes to a different university, it's hard to sync times with him.

 **Shortest** : THAT SUCJS BUT ITLL BE COOL 2 SEE U GUYS

 **Shortest** : * SUCGD

 **Shortest** : *ZUJKS

 **Shortest** : Fml * SUCKS

 **Crazy Bald Man** : lol good job failing noya

Kageyama stopped paying attention to his phone, and he muted the chat. Kageyama didn't feel like being spammed with stupidity. Tsukishima gave him and understanding smile,  and they went back to studying. Well, they went back to Kageyama kissing Tsukishima to trying and convince the tall blonde boy that there were better things that they could be doing together in their alone time.

His tactics just might have worked.

The next day, Suga didn't come to practice until halfway through. Kageyama wasn't very incredibly put down, because something else had occurred to brighten his day considerably. What could have made the ravenette happier than a new idea for altering the quick or the fact that Tsukishima had kissed him out of the blue on the way into the gym? The fact that Oikawa wasn't going to show up.

(He knew this because Hinata hadn't been biking to and from school anymore, Oikawa would drive him places with his fancy car and whenever Hinata couldn't be driven by Oikawa his bike would be able to be seen. Again, this was another thing that Kageyama really honestly tried hard to pretend he didn't notice, even if he didn't like pretending to the utter fire if his being.)

When Suga and Daichi walked through the door holding hands, they tried to be discreet. They perhaps thought they were being courteous by not directly distracting the players. They even hid their hands behind their backs, even though they were still holding on to the other. And maybe that even worked for a second, because it they managed to take a step in sure before the whole gym absolutely exploded with people shouting at the two boys.

"Suga! Daichi! Mom and Dad! You came back!"

"Are you guys holding hands? Did you guys finally get together?!"

"It's been too long!"

"Daichi look at the serve I can do now!"

"Suga, are you guys going to come back tomorrow?!"

"Why did you only come now?"

"Are you in love? Are you gonna get married?"

At first the two older boys tried to answer as many questions as they could and reply to all the little comments that people were making, but it was simply a chaotic nightmare. The two boys had already looked a bit frazzled to begin with. (That's college for you.) Eventually, Daichi had simply had enough of all the crazed yelling, the slightly snarky remarks, and the crushing hugs.

"Quiet down!" Daichi yelled, and they all obediently stopped talking.

"Dadchi," Tsukishima lowly grumbled under his breath.

"What was that, Tsukishima?" Daichi asked sternly. Tsukishima didn't respond, the sarcastic blonde respond just rolled his eyes at Daichi's parental nature. Daichi decided he didn't really care and he started talking, "So, let's play first and then catch up, so that we aren't weighing on your practice too much, alright?" Everyone nodded, and Suga gave them all a soft and slightly sad smile.

"It's really great to see you all again," he said. "It's great to just  . . .  be here in this gym with you guys, this place . . ." Suga trailed off and looked around, like he was trying to capture all the images of the gym and the people there in his head again, " . . . I've really missed it."

The boys had a practice match, and 'to make it fair' Suga and Daichi were on opposing teams. Suga, surprisingly, had developed the habit to dirty talk at Daichi whenever Daichi was on an opposite side, or he just simply taunted the darker haired boy. (Daichi later told them it was simply something Suga did all the time. He may look like an angel, Daichi said, bit he's really just a little shit.)

"C'mon Daichi, you can do better than that!"

"My grandmother could do better than you!"

"Is that even something that counts as a serve, Dadchi?"

"Wow, I'm glad I'm not on your team!"

And even though the comments could get to be overly rude, they had the ring of a teasing lover and all Daichi would do in response was laugh, or pretend to hang his head in overdramatic shame. Which really only encouraged the silvery haired setter to try harder at insulting Daichi. It was a humorous sight for most all of the boys.

The new first years, however, had never met Suga or Daichi previously to them visiting, so they simply watched wide eyes and tried their best to be respectful. They didn't really understand the whole 'Dadchi' thing, and they were a little bit scared to talk to the graduated third year boys.

The game was close, neck-and-neck. If one team gained a point, the other would quickly tie the game, or maybe go up one point. Neither of the teams were ever losing by a dramatic amount or a winning by a significant number. Even though Daichi and Suga weren't acquainted with the new members, Suga did well at being his team's setter nonetheless, and Daichi's extreme captain skills showed themselves once again.

Needless to say, it was exciting. And while sure, it was dramatic because the score was never far apart, and it was tense because the dad and mom of the old team was back and on opposite teams from the other, the thing that really made the volleyball members excited was that they got to play with Suga and Daichi again. (The first years just found it exciting because of the contagious energy the others were all emitting.)

When the score was 29-29 Suga desperately called out, "Red Trees!" And Daichi almost dropped the ball. He frowned over the net at Suga. (Daichi later explained that it was in the midst of many beautiful trees with red leaves that they first told each other they loved the other, and that saying red trees was a way they could discreetly say I love you.)

"You fight dirty, Suga," Daichi low-key reprimanded the silvery haired setter, but Suga simply winked in response. Daichi snorted and shook his head in an overdramatic way. "Suga, Suga, Suga," he said teasingly, "What _am_ I going to do with you?" Suga was just smirking, and the older setter (Suga, obviously) opened his mouth to say something in response, but Noya shouted out something else instead.

"Mom! Dad! Stop having eye-sex and let us go back to the game!" Suga blushed lightly at that, and Daichi might have but he was hiding his face with the volleyball he had been holding earlier. Most everyone had a short laugh at the expense of the team parents, before doing their best to win the game. The scores got higher, till it was 31- 32, and Daichi's team was winning. They needed only one more point, and Kageyama debated inwardly who to set the ball to.

Daichi? He could, but Daichi couldn't hit his extremely fast set. The only person who could do that was Hinata. Kageyama didn't decide until the very last moment when he had to set the ball, and he sent it to the person he tried not to believe in any more.

The ball slammed on the ground on the other side if the net, and Hinata stared at his palm with the same look as always

Their team had won.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, SilverDragon00 edited this with all of the patience for typos in the world.

Maybe things would have been better for all of them if no one had ever noticed anything.

After the victory for Daichi's team, the practice was finally over. The first years on the team left after saying polite goodbyes to everyone else. Kageyama couldn't help but feel a little bit bad because of how uncomfortable they all looked (and probably felt) when they were talking to Sugawara and Daichi. Once the first years left, however, all thoughts of them left as well.

The old team decided to go to some random cafe. Kageyama felt a little bit awkward towards that certain cafe in particular, because that was where Hinata had asked to go out with him. Or, maybe just told him he liked him.  Kageyama couldn't remember the specifics of that situation, he simply remembered that it was public, embarrassing, and overly Valentine's Day decorated. And that Suga and Daichi had been there too. Had he kissed Hinata in the middle of the cafe?

 _Oh god_ , Kageyama thought, _I did._

But the current time was not one for kissing (at least, not for a certain redhead and a ravenette), it was a time for talking and being brought up to date with friend's lives. Suga was talking and asking and everyone joined in. They didn't stay on one topic for very long, it all fluctuated and changed just because they wanted to talk about everything they could.

They teased Daichi and Suga about finally coming out to them, and then questioned about the whole red trees thing. When it was all explained, they teased the two boys even more about all of it. They simply smiled and Suga blushed a little bit sometimes, but didn't stop them. It was easy to tell they were just happy that no one was being weird about them being in a relationship, or being weird about them being in love.

A bug landed on the table at one point, and Hinata shrieked "die!" Before hitting the table harder than he even usually hit volleyballs during practice. Everyone stared at him with wide eyes, including people from other tables and places inside the cafe, and the decoy was breathing somewhat heavier. "Sorry, I guess I just really don't like bugs," Hinata explained a little bit sheepishly.

Ennoshita laughed. "It's alright, just warn us next time. And save all that dark-bug-hate energy for the court, okay?" His tone was all captain-y, and some people from the group saw Daichi's proud expression at how well Ennoshita had fit into the file as captain. Hinata, meanwhile, was protesting.

"What?" He splattered. "That wasn't - I'm not _dark_ , you take - just take it back!" Some people laughed, and most of them smiled at his antics, but Kageyama couldn't help but notice how Hinata looked almost genuinely upset at being called dark. What was his problem? Kageyama just decided to pretend he never noticed. It had become almost a habit by that time.

And, of course, eventually Oikawa became the topic of discussion. Kageyama at this point was utterly done with Oikawa invading almost every aspect of his life. Somehow, Oikawa had managed to be there, annoying the shit out of him, even when the brown eyed boy wasn't even present! The topic of Oikawa was more or less indirectly brought up by Tanaka, whenever the bald teen was asked by Daichi if he had finally gotten a girlfriend yet.

"No, but little _Hinata_ isn't having that problem, and it's unfair!" Daichi turned to Hinata. Hinata had to hold off laughing at Daichi's expression, he looked like such a dad in that moment.

"You're dating someone again, Hinata?" Curiosity laced his tone, and Hinata simply shrugged in a response. The key word was _again_. They all knew and tried not to talk about how hard the breakup between Kageyama and Hinata had been on the short redhead. Kageyama pretended he didn't know how hard it had been on Hinata, like he pretended not to know so many things.

Suga laughed at Daichi's expression. "No, no, no. You said you weren't!" Suga protested. "You said-" the silvery haired angel of a boy was cut off by Noya.

"But Suga, he has to be! Oikawa comes around _all the time_ , and I'm done pretending I can't hear what he sometimes whispers to you, Hinata! Let me just say, I did not sign up for that when I joined volleyball!" Noya over dramatically pointed his index finger at Hinata, and this time it was easy to see the mirth in Hinata's sly grin.

"I _told_ you. I'm not dating anyone." Hinata chuckled a little bit, and his little smirk was positively wicked, the kind that conveyed something like Hinata knew something they didn't know. Like it was vastly amusing to watch them run around in circles trying to figure it all out. Suga joined in, like he somehow knew what it was that was that Hinata was more or less hiding from them.

Suga then said, "But. . . Oikawa? Have you explained to them or just left them in the dark?" Hinata shrugged with that little grin again, and Suga lightly slapped his arm. "Hinata! You wicked little thing. Then what _did_ you tell them?" Everyone was watching the exchange in curiosity. So Suga actually did know something about the Oikawa/Hinata thing that they didn't know?

Hinata's grin widened, and Kageyama couldn't help but thinking the term 'Cheshire Cat Grin.' _It certainly fits_ , he thought to himself. "Well, they asked if we were _dating_. And you know that's not what we're doing, so I said that no, we aren't. Oikawa did too. And we really aren't. I told them what we have is more casual than that."

Suga lightly face palmed. " _Of course_ , you would say that. You too probably schemed that up together so you could laugh about it." The silvery haired setter let out an overdramatic sigh. "This is why we can't have nice things, Hinata." The red haired boy made a little pouty face (one that Kageyama pretended he didn't find cute at all in the slightest) and Suga laughed.

Finally, Tanaka said, "Um . . . I still don't get it." That just made Hinata laugh more, and the silvery haired angel rolled his eyes at the little decoy.

"Can I tell them? To clarify and to stop mentally torturing your teammates?" Suga asked. Hinata just shrugged.

"I mean, if you want to. It might start mentally torturing them in a different way though." The ginger still looked utterly mischievous, he had the kind of look on his face that made Kageyama want to check to make sure his wallet was still in his back pocket. (He restrained himself from actually checking, the black haired boy wasn't willing to really go quite that far.)

"They're fuck buddies," Suga explained, and unlike many on the team he didn't seem to have any qualms about using the term 'fuck buddies.'

"Suga! You could at least say friends with benefits!" Yamaguchi said, looking just a bit uncomfortable. Suga shrugged, but Hinata scrunched his face up.

"But . . . We're really not friends. So the term friends with benefits doesn't really fit. But we're not enemy's, so we can't even be enemies with benefits. Frenemies with benefits? Eh, it doesn't have a good ring to it. And neither does person with benefits. So, yeah. Fuck buddies works the best." Everyone stared at Hinata. "What? We've actually talked about this together before."

"Well speak of the devil," Tsukishima muttered, and only Kageyama heard him. He looked up and saw Oikawa walking up to the cafe, uncharacteristically sporting a stormy scowl on his usually bright and cheery face. Noya was in the middle of asking Hinata something about this development, probably if it would effect volleyball or maybe something a bit more lewd, when the brown haired setter opened the cafe door hurriedly. The bell at the door dinged and everyone looked to see Oikawa standing there.

"Hinata Shoyou!" He shouted, and his eyes looked almost scary. He used Hinata's full name in an almost scolding tone, but more crazed than that. More . . . Desperate. Oikawa himself looked a little bit panicked. "Where were you?! Hurry up, remember what's happening today?!" Hinata gave Oikawa a blank, surprised look, before looking panicked as well.

"Oh, shit, the court!" Oikawa nodded.

"Hurry up, the bitch is waiting, and she _hates to wait_." Hinata's eyes got even wider, if that was even an actual possibility at that point.

" _Fuck_! I gotta go guys, see ya later, it was great seeing you guys again!" Hinata was up and out of his seat and then gone in a flash, and him and Oikawa were literally running down the street. Suga tilted his head in confusion.

"The  . . .  Court? The . . . Bitch?"

They turned to him. "You mean he didn't tell you about this either?" Noya asked, and the team parents just shook their heads, looking as confused as the rest of them.

"Maybe . . . The . . . Volleyball court?" Kageyama volunteered, his mind racing. Why had Oikawa looked so panicked, and why did Hinata look almost scared whenever he realized what Oikawa was talking about. And who on earth was the bitch?

"I don't know. Maybe, Um, he was meeting Oikawa's parents? On a. . . . Volleyball court? And maybe the bitch is Oikawa's mom?" Yachi hesitantly tried to connect things, crunching up her face in confusion like the rest of them.

"You mean you don't even know?" Tanaka asked. "I thought you were his girlfriend. Though, I guess that doesn't really work if Oikawa is his fuckbuddy . . ." Yachi squeaked indignantly in response to Tanaka.

"Tanaka! I'm not his girlfriend!"

"But you've had a crush on him since like forever." Noya said. Yachi's eyes got even wider.

"I'm a _lesbian_! I've never liked a guy that way, ever!" Silence.

"Oh."

"What I'm more surprised about, " Yachi started trying to get the topic of conversation away from her sexuality, "is that Hinata didn't even tell Kageyama about this. I mean, you're his best friend, right?" Ah. Kageyama had been sympathetic to everyone looking at Yachi earlier, but now he was uncomfortable. Everyone was now looking at Kageyama like he had the answers they were all searching for. Fun fact : he didn't. 

Kageyama didn't volunteer anything, so Daichi asked, "Um . . . Do you know anything? I mean, if Hinata doesn't want us to know I suppose that's his decision, but you know we only care because we're his friends." Kageyama sighed. Once upon a time, maybe he would've actually known what was going on Hinata's life. That time had long since passed, however, and Kageyama had long since started pretending he didn't care.

"If I knew anything I'd tell you, but I don't so I can't." His teammates seemed disappointed, but Tsukishima didn't seem quite so upset. The conversation once again steered away from Hinata and this time for good. They caught up and laughed with each other for a little while longer, and then steadily, one by one, they had to leave.

'The court' and  'The bitch' were more or less forgotten. Well, until the next day at volleyball practice of course. Kageyama was walking in and saw Yachi and Hinata talking with serious looking faces outside the gym. They didn't even acknowledge him, so he pretended he didn't even see them. Once Hinata entered the gym, he was practically barraged with questions.

"Hinata! Where did you go yesterday?!"

"What's the court?!"

"Who's the bitch?!"

"Why did you look so scared?!"

Hinata didn't look panicked any more, just a little bit tired. "Oh, that." He said, before walking away to prepare for practice. Noya and Tanaka followed him, still practically interrogating the poor ginger on what he had been doing and where and why and all of the particulars. Kageyama was surprised that Hinata was so willingly and so patiently putting up with all of it.

"Ah, well, it's kinda a long story. I'll tell you after practice, I don't want to hold us up for this stupid reason," the second years and older reluctantly agreed. The first years had decided they didn't even _want_ to know at that point. That was one of their smarter decisions as an age group.

So, throughout the entirety of practice, the other students would eye Hinata like he was hiding something (excepting the first years who wanted nothing to do with the great drama of Hinata, of course). Whenever someone would give the small redhead a suspicious look he would frown, and he would frown again whenever someone mentioned Oikawa in a somewhat rude way. Or, perhaps, if someone glared at the door in a vain attempt to keep a certain brunette setter from entering through it.

After practice ended and Hinata was ready to talk, the students older than first years gathered around him, wanting an explanation. "We only want to know if something's wrong so we can help you, Hinata. We care about you," Yamaguchi said. Hinata smiled a tiny little thing that made the teammates feel less bad about being so intrusive towards the small decoy. Yachi was standing next to Hinata, and she was looking somewhat disapproving of their behavior, so maybe that was what made them more conscious of how nosey they were being towards the short redhead.

"So?" Tanaka asked, not feeling as self conscious towards his behavior as the others were. "What's going on that made you have to leave yesterday, Hinata?" Hinata rolled his eyes just a little bit, but he was also smiling in an accepting way. Kageyama reluctantly was listening, he was actually hoping he could have pretended he didn't care, but pretty much everyone was paying attention, including Tsukishima. That meant it was all ok, right?

"Fine, fine. I'll tell you, if you want to know _that_ much. It really isn't anything interesting though, I'm warning you," Hinata said, shrugging ever so slightly. "Really, you've probably already guessed it by now, it's not that hard to figure out." Hinata paused for a moment. He bit his lip, like he was trying to think of how to arrange his thoughts together to voice them.

"So, fun story, once me and Oikawa were hooking up on his couch," was the way Hinata decided to start explaining. He had a slightly sly look on his face.

"Hinata!" Someone exclaimed. He laughed.

"It's fine, I'm not going to go into the details of what we did, but basically that was what started it. Anyway, Oikawa had forgotten that his mom was coming over to his apartment to visit him, and-" Hinata got interrupted by Noya's horrified sounding voice.

_"No!"_

Hinata winced at the memory. "Yeah, she walked in on us. And, y'know, Oikawa wasn't about to say, "Sorry mom, I forgot you were visiting me so maybe I contacted my booty call, oops." Like, " Hinata chuckled slightly, "he's stupid sometimes, but not _that_ stupid. So we told her I was his most recent boyfriend that he had simply forgotten to introduce to her."

Noya was nodding, like it made sense. The tension (that some people had tried to hide but had definitely been there) that had afflicted the teammates out of worries of what Hinata had gotten himself into this time had faded more or less from everyone's shoulders.

"And so she wanted to officially meet me some time, but wanted it to be casual. So we decided I could bond with her and whatnot while watching a volleyball practice match for Oikawa's nephew." At the mentioning of Oikawa's nephew, Yamaguchi made a slightly surprised noise.

"Oikawa has a nephew?" The brunette asked, and Hinata nodded.

"He's really cute too. And decent at volleyball, maybe it runs in the family or something." Hinata contemplated for a brief moment before realizing he was still in the middle of explaining everything to his previously worried teammates. "Oh, um, so anyway, it was all planned out and stuff but I was so excited about seeing Daichi and Suga that I kinda . . . Well . . . Forgot about it accidentally."

(Tsukishima face palmed slightly at that and Kageyama couldn't help directing a smile to the tall blonde boy. Hinata noticed and did his best to pretend he never saw it. It seemed Kageyama wasn't the only one who had made a habit of pretending, though Hinata didn't limit himself to pretending about things just relating to a certain foul mooded black haired setter.)

"Hinata," Ennoshita just barely managed to have sounded like he was chiding Hinata at his foolish behaviour, but the captain himself was smiling a bit at the poor redheaded decoy's expense just as much as the others. Now that they more or less knew for sure Hinata wasn't in deep with like, a gang or something, they were much relieved. It's always nice to know you aren't going to find someone you care about dead in an alley or something along those lines.

Hinata gave a kind of coy, cocky smile before continuing. "Anyway, so the bitch is his mom because she was kind of rude to me when she first met me. Not that I can really blame her, considering the circumstances . . ." Hinata chuckled a little bit. "And the court is, obviously, the volleyball court that Oikawa's nephew was playing his practice match on. I was looking scared with Oikawa because we were late for me to meet his mom, and honestly she's terrifying."

Kageyama nodded, and walked away from the circle of people surrounding Hinata when he felt his phone buzz. He smiled, because he knew only one person who would constantly call instead of text. He could hear Hinata still talking about Oikawa and all that behind him, but he didn't really care because his day had just been made by a simple buzz. He pulled out his phone and answered it, smiling just ever so slightly.

"Hi Mom."

"Hello Tobio! I just wanted to let you know that my trip ended early so I'll be back in about three days, around late Friday or early Saturday."

"Oh okay. Um, are we going to go to -" Kageyama got cut off my his mother, and he could tell from her regretful tone she really didn't want to refuse him but had no other choice.

His mom sighed. "I'm really sorry, Tobio, really I am, but I'm going to be just too tired to keep up our tradition. It means a lot to me too, I just . . . I can only take so much at a time, y'know?" Kageyama tried not to make a disappointed noise with his Mom right on the phone. It was a tradition for them to, as soon as she got back from a business trip, immediately go get curry at their favorite place. Before she even unpacked her things or sometimes before she even entered the apartment after she'd been back.

Kageyama smiled a tiny, pained smile before saying, "Yeah, of course Mom. You know that I think your health is most important, especially after what happened last year. We'll just do it after your next business trip, it's not a problem. I'm okay, so don't worry." While the words _were_ true, Kageyama still had to try and keep his ‘fine’ from sounding wistful or even just sad.

"Thank you, Tobio. You're a great son, you know that?" They shared a slight chuckle at that, her saying those words was something of an inside joke between them that neither of them remembered the backstory of. "Anyway, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'll be home soon, I love you. Bye, Tobio!"

"Love you too Mom," he replied, "bye!" Kageyama was a little bit upset to have to end the call so soon, he hadn't spoken to his mother in a while, but he understood she needed to be getting work done. She was a single mother, after all, and it wasn't like he wasn't used to her sporadic business trips. Sure, he would like to see his mom more, but he knew it was all for him.

"Is your mom coming back from her business trip?" Tsukishima asked, nearing Kageyama. He had given the black haired setter a bit if space so as to have a more private phone call, but now had come up to stand next to his shorter boyfriend. Kageyama nodded in response, and Tsukishima smiled a little bit gently. "Want me to come over and help you clean up?"

It had become a little thing for Tsukishima to come over to Kageyama's whenever the black haired boy's mom was coming back after a business trip. Kageyama wanted things to always look absolutely perfect whenever his mom came home, but it was a kid of large workload sometimes. The two boys had turned Tsukishima coming over to help as a sort of date thing, and Kageyama smiled at Tsukishima.

"If things go the way I want we'll hopefully be making at least something a little dirty," Kageyama replied, and he laced his fingers with Tsukishima's, "but yes. Always yes."  The taller blonde boy snorted at Kageyama and rolled his eyes, but squeezed Kageyama's hand nevertheless.

"You can be so fucking cheesy, King," Tsukishima said, both of them knowing fully that there was no malice behind the words at all. They walked out of the gym that way, holding hands and bantering like an old married couple. And for the first time in a while, Kageyama didn't have to pretend that he didn't care what was going on with Hinata, because he actually didn't this time.

He had a smile on his lips and a hand in his own and he didn't want or need anything else at the moment.

As the two boys were cleaning up Kageyama's place (dusting, wiping glass, sweeping, etc.) they were flirting completely shamelessly. Every little quip made Kageyama laugh a little cute thing that turned the corners of Tsukishima's mouth, and they ended the night in Kageyama's bed. Not with sex, just contact and talking about deep things.

"Hey Tsukishima?" Kageyama asked out of nowhere, his voice just barely edging on tentative.

"Yeah?"

"When . . . When did you know you loved me?" Kageyama knew his voice sounded a little bit nervous, a little bit uncertain. He didn't like that, no, not at all, but he couldn't help it. He was still a little bit scared that maybe Tsukishima hadn't meant it or something stupid like that.

"When I knew I was in love with you? Heh, you're gonna laugh. It's kind of stupid, and it was a long time ago." Tsukishima smirked a little bit, and Kageyama let out a little sigh in relief and happiness. "So, it was during the first time I helped you clean up, what a coincidence." Kageyama let out a little laugh at that, but let Tsukishima elaborate on what he was saying.

"I mean, we hadn't been dating for very long, but I had known I was in deep before we even got together. And then, seeing you so concerned for your mom, seeing you covered in sweat and looking a little flustered . . . I don't know, Tobio, it just made me realize, ‘Fuck. How incredible would it be to fall in love with him?’ And then I kinda thought about it, and I saw that . . . I already was in love with you."

Kageyama felt a pleasant shiver go down his spine at Tsukishima calling him by his first name so casually and easily like that. He smiled a little bit, and turned from his position where Tsukishima had been spooning him to be facing the blonde haired boy. Kageyama gave Tsukishima a little smile that looked a tiny bit helpless but just mostly overwhelmed.

"When did . . . You know?" Tsukishima asked, a little bit surprised when Kageyama turned around in the middle of his sentence. He could feel the intensity of their eye contact sparking along his skin, and Tsukishima didn't even notice himself biting his lip ever so slightly. Kageyama took a second to think, before starting to answer.

"Well, it might surprise you, but not long after you." Tsukishima blinked in surprise, and Kageyama gave a little shrug. "It wasn't even on the volleyball courts, it was on that disaster of a date we had." Immediately Tsukishima cringed, wincing and groaning.

"Oh _no_. You're kidding, right?" Tsukishima said, lightly face palming.

"No, it was then. Remember, I thought we were going somewhere fancy and was kinda dressed up but you were dressed so casual it was ridiculous? Ugh, that was embarrassing. Anyway, it was in that fast food place that I realised I was miserable but didn't regret it all because at least I was with you." Tsukishima's eyes widened and Kageyama gave him a little shrug again.

"And when I thought about it . . . I knew I was in love with you. I still really am, Kei, so much it's actually kind if scary."

A silence. Then. "Oh my god, King, you're so fucking cheesy," but once again, they could both tell there was nothing negative powering those words, and they sounded a bit endearing to Kageyama. And that was how he fell asleep, in Tsukishima's arms and occasionally mumbling stupid things that only flowed and worked because of his late it was in the night.

The next day, the two boys were in a faint haze. They felt almost like they had accomplished something, and Kageyama had to keep reminding himself to stop acting like a pathetic homesick teenage girl, it was actually disgusting himself. (It wasn't really.)

When they got to practice, because they just happened to get to the gym at the same time, Hinata was scary. He was already practicing with Noya, who was still trying to perfect the move where a libero can set if they jump over the line. He was actually doing fairly well, but what was drawing attention to them really was Hinata. He kept slamming the balls to the other side of the court that looked almost dangerous to try and receive. It was like he was trying to kill the ball or something, and he looked angry and honestly a little bit terrifying.

"Um . . ." Yamaguchi said, walking over to Kageyama and Tsukishima. "Is. . . Is Hinata alright?" Tsukishima shrugged, and Kageyama tried not to pay attention to the ginger decoy. It was inevitable, however, the way his haze came down and all he could see was Hinata looking the way he did whenever the smaller redheaded boy would drink too much and get fired up. Dark, passionate, and honestly terrifying anger.

After everyone was practicing and not just Hinata and Noya with that scary anger, things seemed more or less calmer. Still, Kageyama's bubble had been popped, and Tsukishima's too by consequence. It only got a bit worse when halfway through practice Hinata wasn't really not as upset looking and he had to leave halfway through.

"Why?" Ennoshita demanded, "if you're doing something with Oikawa, I swear-"  Hinata clenched his jaw ever so slightly even though it was incredibly clear due to Ennoshita's  tone that he was only teasing the fiery little redhead boy. The captain's eyes widened a little bit when he noticed, and he took a tiny step backward from Hinata.

"I just . . . Have to go see my aunt in the hospital . . . She . . . Um . . . Broke her leg," Hinata mumbled out, looking down. His jaw wasn't clenched any more, but he still didn't look anywhere close to being happy. Ennoshita's eyebrows furrowed, like he didn't really believe Hinata, but after a moment he sighed and his face took a look of understanding.

"Oh, right. Sorry, Hinata, go on ahead. Tell her I said hello," the captain said, looking incredibly, suddenly sad. "And tell me, please, if she gets better?" Hinata nodded, still looking upset but not as much as before, and he walked out of the gym with tense shoulders. Ennoshita's gaze followed the small decoy all the way out the door, all the while looking extremely over-sympathetic for a simple broken leg.

"Alright," Ennoshita clapped while turning to the rest of the Karasuno Volleyball team. "Let's get back to practice, yeah?" Everyone nodded or made some noise of confirmation, and they went back to practicing. And Kageyama was suddenly tired, so so tired. Because now he had to pretend he didn't care again, and honestly he was so done with pretending, he almost felt sick to his stomach.

He still pretended anyway. It wasn't like it was even hard to do anymore.

Still, Kageyama wasn't in totally down spirits when he was walking home. Not even close, actually. He had managed to push Hinata out if his mind. Well, maybe not _out_ , but down to the very depths if his brain that he wasn't going to think about any time soon.

He had also been cheered up by the fact that Yamaguchi didn't make any wistful looks (that he saw at least) towards Tsukishima during practice. It did a lot to make him less insecure concerning his relationship with the blonde, and helped him regain some of his pathetic livestock teenage girl aura he had about him. He even almost whistled on his way home from school.

As he entered his home he felt like he was forgetting something. But what could be? He fully scratched the back of his head and threw his school stuff into his room carelessly before heading to his kitchen to get a snack. Hey, he had just had an exhausting volleyball practice, and he needed sustenance if he was ever going to get started with his ever growing pile of homework. He realized what it was that he had forgotten when he entered his kitchen and stood stock still. So _that_ was why he had noticed the house was so clean compared to how the house was normally.

Or, more accurately, _who_ he had forgotten.

His mom was making something on the stove and turned around, smiling weakly. Even with dark bags under her eyes and no makeup and that utterly exhausted air about her, she was still a beautiful woman. Kageyama had inherited many of his looks from her, including his blue eyes and dark hair. She sighed a tiny bit, like to gather up strength, before speaking.

"Hi, Tobio."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was edited by a magnificent person and a true weeb, SilverDragon00.

Maybe if Kageyama had tried a little harder, he wouldn't have been faced with everything he had been. Or maybe he would, after it was all over (more or less) it was hard to know anything for certain.

He was with his mother, the day after he had walked into his kitchen to find her there. That night had been full of hugs and "I missed you's" and Kageyama had the same kind of overwhelmed feeling he always had when his mom would come back home, because fuck. He had truly missed her. While their household and family wasn't the most conventional, cookie-cutter type of apartment / home, they had a kind of mother-son bond that was incredibly strong.  Even if their personalities clashed sometimes, there could never be a doubt that Kageyama loved his mom and she loved him.

That morning he had cooked her breakfast. Kageyama Tobio wasn't the best cook, but he could boast that he made some killer pancakes. He also knew how to cook many American foods, as his mom had brought back a cookbook after a rather long business trip in that country. She had discovered she really enjoyed eating it, so Kageyama learned how to make most if not all of the things in the cookbook. (And even if most of them turned out burnt or ruined, Kageyama's mom still pretended they were the most delicious things she had ever eaten. That was one of the only times they were okay with pretending.)

So yes, he burned breakfast. And yes, she ate it and complimented his cooking profusely.

And yes. His smile beamed like no other.

Afterwards they were doing as many traditions as they could. They had several, like sometimes they would prank each other for the following week after she came back. Other times they would simply watch as much anime together as they could without their brains melting out of their ears and pooling on the floor. That day was one of the anime days, and they gathered their unhealthy snacks and made themselves into boneless piles of human on their couch.

Halfway through a show, his Mom suddenly said something that made Kageyama look over at her in shock. "You're a lot like me. But . . . You've got a lot of him too." Kageyama's eyes were widening. Was she finally going to talk about Tobio's father? She was always averse to talking about him, and would change the subject or bluntly say she didn't want to talk about it. But here? Now? Was she going to finally open up and tell Kageyama about who his father had been other than an abusive prick?

" . . . Mom?" He questioned, not sure if what she said was an invitation to ask. She was still facing the screen, watching their show with a fake interest. After a few moments, she continued talking.

"We met at this music festival when I was 21 and he was 19. I was there for this really indie band, and he was there for one band playing main stage. He happened to walk by the stage where I was listening to my indie band and he . . . Noticed me. Suddenly, he liked to say, his ears were opened to the music. He asked me the title of the song they were playing. I told him. And even though the performances overlapped by ten minutes, he stayed and attempted talking with me. I thought he was really stupid, but I went to see his main stage band anyway. And he got my number.

"I liked him, I really did. I was a sad girl who had run away and he was willing to take the time and figure me out. He worked in astronomy, which I wanted to pursue but didn't have the funds to. Hell, I didn't have the funds for hardly anything at that point.

"A week later we went on our first date, and a month later I met his parents. They didn't like me, but three months later we eloped anyway. I got pregnant, or knew I was anyway, only a month after. We'd only known each other for about five and a half months. He wasn't graduated from college and neither was I. The stress was killing both of us, and to make matters worse his parents weren't paying for his college any more because he went off and married me against their wishes.

"That wasn't when the abuse started though. Maybe he was a bit resentful, but if so he hid it crazily well. We were still in the love stage where just being in love felt rebellious. The fact that us rebels had a cause and weren't just fighting for nothing seemed to inspire him to fight even harder for us. Also, probably the fact I offered to help him pay his college tuition. Not that I really was in any place to be helping him with money problems, as I had plenty of my own.

"But nearing the end of my pregnancy, all that had changed. Originally he was so supportive of the idea of you, but as it just became more real he became bitter. I tried so hard to piece what we had back together. I pretended I didn't see or hear him when ever he was glaring at my big pregnant belly or whenever he would mutter something awful under his breath. It wasn't until he actually tried to push me down the stairs to kill you that I left.

"Two days later you were born, and I started my life over." Kageyama's mom was still staring at the screen of the TV, and it looked like she was desperately trying to hold in her emotions. Even so, Kageyama noticed the tears slowly dripping and sliding down her face as she just continued staring at the TV, not even watching the anime anymore. Just staring.

"Mom." He said, so quietly it was a wonder if she heard him. She didn't show if she heard him with a confirmatory noise or a real response, so it was a small mystery left unsolved.

"And you . . . You're so much like me, Y'know? But . . . There's a fuck ton of him too. I just hope that I've done a good job raising you, that you can be proud of yourself when you're older. He wasn't all bad, but me and him were together. Not in you though, because it's up to you, Tobio. You choose how to do things, yeah? Promise me. Please, Tobio, promise me you'll use what you have of both of us to become an always improving person. Okay?"

All a sudden Tobio was choked up. Where had this come from? What had happened during his mom's business trip? A second later, Tobio stuttered out, "I-I promise, Mom. I choose in my life, no one else." He visibly saw her relax, even though she still never moved her vacant gaze from the screen. She wiped her face, and a minute later laughed about something going on in the show. She seemed like she was just a happy, single Mom.

But Tobio had become an expert at pretending, and he could tell clear as day that that was exactly what his mom was doing.

The next school day, Kageyama was a wreck. The entire weekend had been full of him remembering what his mother had said. And even though he knew she also said he had the power to control his life, control his actions . . . The fact that there was apparently a fuck ton of his father's characteristics and traits in Tobio was scary as shit. How easy, he wondered, is it to lose your mind? To forget that precious things really are that, and to then be fully prepared to hurt said precious thing? His father did it.

It was possible that Kageyama might do it. And that thought chilled him down to his bones. Kageyama wasn't naturally a sunny person like Hinata, but even by his standards he was gloomy and dark. Tsukishima tried to talk about it, but Kageyama just shook his head. It wasn't until their last class of the day that Tsukishima grabbed Kageyama's wrist and dragged him into a janitor's closet.

"Really, Kei? Isn't this a bit cliche?" Kageyama commented, noticing that their chests were flush against each other. While he knew Tsukishima didn't like doing stereotypical things, Kageyama knew Tsukishima definitely was okay with a good make out session. But then again, Tsukishima honestly did not look like he had dragged Kageyama in that closet so that he could make out with his boyfriend.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. "Ugh, Tobio. You know very well I would never drag you into a janitor's closet to make out. I'd bring you to my car in the parking lot and just fuck you instead. No, that's not why we're here." Tsukishima's words had a little bit if an effect on Kageyama, but he tried to focus about the other bit of what Tsukishima said. So they weren't in there to make out, that logically only left one reason why Tsukishima would pull him into a janitor's closet. Kageyama already had the excuse prepared on his tongue.

"We can talk later, we're going to miss class if we talk in here. You know how hard I've been trying to keep my grades up, Kei." Kageyama tried his best to force the words to just sound convincing for him, but the tall blonde gave Kageyama the 'I'm not a fucking idiot' look.

"Don't try and sell me Bullshit, Tobio, I'm not gonna buy it." Kageyama frowned at Tsukishima's quick reply. He hadn't thought to come up with something else to say.

"But-"

"If it really matters I can just tutor you on it, Tobio. But right now . . ." Tsukishima sighed. "right now we're both going to do what's good for you and talk." Kageyama frowned. Tsukishima had him cornered, quite literally, and the ravenette had enough common sense to see that if he just brushed Tsukishima off or attempted lying to him, Kageyama would really only be digging himself deeper. Kageyama reluctantly accepted to himself that there was no way out of this sudden share and care type thing.

A moment of silence. Then, "Fine, you win," the black haired boy said. Tsukishima smirked, just a little bit, before tugging on Kageyama's sleeve.

"Well then? We really don't have all day. What's eating at you, Tobio?" Even though the words themselves were kind of harsh, it was easy to tell what they really meant. _I'm worried about you. Please tell me what the matter is so I can do something to help you. I want to do something, I hate seeing you so upset. Just give me a clue, okay?_ And Tsukishima knew that by now Kageyama had picked up on what the blonde really meant whenever he said something harsh or rude.

Kageyama sighed. "Well, it was kinda something my mom and I were talking about. Ah, well, she was talking. I was listening. But, you know how she's never told me even the story of how she met my father?" Tsukishima nodded. "Well she told me. She told me little details and Kei, I can't believe she had to live with that. The fucker almost pushed her down the stairs to kill me." Tsukishima's face took on an alarmed expression.

"What the fuck?" The tall blonde exclaimed, looking angry.

"Yeah, I know. But then . . .  Oh my fuck, she told me that she sees a ‘fuck ton’ of him in me, and Kei . . ." It was suddenly very hard for Kageyama to speak, much less think of words to explain what he was feeling. The black haired boy looked utterly distressed, and a bit frustrated mixed with just plain old self-doubt. "I'm so . . . I don't even know. Scared? I just . . ." Kageyama trailed off and bit his lip, averting his gaze from his boyfriend's.

Tsukishima didn't talk, just waited for Kageyama to regain what he was saying. The blonde had long ago learned the mess in that sometimes people don't even know what they're feeling until they talk about it with someone. And it definitely isn't always easy. So he let Kageyama take his time trying to find out how to express his feelings and all the crazy little things going around in his genius setter head.

"I guess I'm just more  . . . aware. Y'know? Like that in my blood is the blood of a man who turned bitter and almost killed me before I had the chance to defend myself. That any little habit of mine could be his too, and that just makes me kind of hate everything I do. Because . . . What if he actually does stuff like that? No, what if he used to while he was with my mom? What if I do something like him when I'm thinking and I'm unknowingly forcing her to remember someone who was an absolute dickhead to her?" Kageyama was still not meeting Tsukishima's eyes, but he was speaking more freely.

Tsukishima waited to see if Kageyama was going to voice any more of what was going on, but he didn't wait too long. The blonde teen knew that sometimes silence pushes people to say things they didn't want to say, or things they weren't ready to say. And Tsukishima figured he had pushed Kageyama enough for that day, silence or otherwise. The blonde smiled little bit, a really sad smile.

"Oh Tobio," he said softly, surprisingly tender for his usually harder personality. He softly tugged Kageyama so that the black haired boy was burying his head in Tsukishima's neck, and Tsukishima simply held Kageyama while the setter steadied his breathing. He didn't talk, but he wasn't silent. He purposefully made his breathing louder, partially so that Kageyama might unconsciously match it's steady tempo, but also so that Kageyama wouldn't feel pushed to say anything else unless he actually wanted to. Tsukishima also didn't want to start talking if he didn't even know what he wanted to say.

After a while of simply being with each other and calming Kageyama down a little bit more, Tsukishima finally started talking. "Tobio, it seems to me like your two biggest fears about your dad are becoming him or keeping the memory of him fresh for your mom and hurting her. Am I right?" Kageyama nodded, not moving his head from its resting spot on Tsukishima's neck. The tall blonde made sure his voice was a little bit low, just so as not to shatter the peaceful quiet atmosphere. Plus, he knew Kageyama would be able to hear him easily with how close the black haired boy's ears were to Tsukishima's mouth.

"Alright. Well then, I seem to have news for you, King. You're your own person. With the way your mom raised you, I find it hard to see you ever going down the abusive path. Especially with your past with Hinata. You're worried about turning into him, but are you forgetting that you have way more of your mom in you than your dad? Your mom is a fucking amazing woman, and I think if anything you're going to be more like her as you go through life. Hell, I think you already are a shit ton like her.

And with the trigger thing. You hurting your mom? Tobio, you do anything but. When she's needed you you've always been there. I swear, I've seen it and she loves you a fucking crazy amount. And you also seem to forget the fact that your mom fell in love with your dad. She wouldn't fall in love with someone who didn't at least seem amazing. Every little thing she sees in you that reminds her of him would be a good thing." Kageyama nodded again, mumbling something underneath his breath.

"What was that again?" Tsukishima asked, and Kageyama moved his mouth up to right next to the blonde teen's ear.

"Thank you."

It was a whisper, it was hardly there, and it almost sounded uncertain. But Tsukishima and Kageyama both knew that those two, weak sounding words could never have meant less than the world.

Kageyama was strong, really. It was incredible how durable he was. But, like all people, he had a breaking point. And that breaking point, that line was almost crossed so many times the day of the janitor's closet incident that Kageyama could have just screamed. He was so close to completely losing it.

So maybe Shimizu coming to visit during practice that very day wasn't the best idea if his mental health was to be considered a priority. He didn't notice her at first, as it wasn't exactly like she tried to draw attention to herself. Maybe subconsciously he saw her talking with Yachi, but that wasn't a rare sight to him. It wasn't until he heard the shouts of exuberant emotion from Tanaka, Noya, and Hinata that he realized Shimizu was in their gym.

He turned to see her, and at that moment she turned and saw his eyes on her. For only a moment, their gazes locked. But in that one moment, several things became abundantly clear to Kageyama. One, Shimizu actually was pretty, he'd just never cared enough to see it. Two, while she was strikingly beautiful she also was suddenly so cold and terrifying that Kageyama looked away first.

He saw Hinata bound over to her, almost frolicking. It was, admittedly, a bit comforting to all of them to see Hinata not in the same dark mood he had been in just a few days ago. The small ginger spiker started barraging her with questions of many kinds. Tanaka and Noya were a bit disappointed that it was Hinata and Yachi that she most easily conversed with, but they managed to slip a few comments into the conversation that didn't go entirely unnoticed.

"Awe, why not?" Kageyama heard Noya complain, and he turned to see Shimizu simply shrug in a form of response. Noya frowned. "How come it's always you guys visiting and never Asahi?! No offense, of course." Shimizu waved him off with a gesture that showed it was all good. The small libero huffed, and they started preparing together for practice.

Halfway through practice, Hinata needed to leave again. He simply said, "My aunt," to Ennoshita and the captain let him off with a sympathetic smile and a wish for updates on her health. Kageyama watched Hinata walk out the gym doors for only a few seconds, before turning to Tsukishima and continuing his own practice. So what if Hinata wasn't there? He didn't need Hinata.

He kept feeling something was distinctly . . . Off the entire practice. It felt like he was missing something crucial, something right in front of him. It was kind of like the feeling you get on your neck when you think someone or something is somehow behind you and about to decapitate you with a crazily large axe. Something like that. It didn't help that he kept seeing Shimizu and having to look away first due to the cold intensity of her stare.

Later, nearing the end of practice, Tanaka mentioned that there was going to be an obligatory meeting at his house in five days. That was a stupid little code for: Hey let's all get drunk at my house on Friday and have an excuse for it. Nevertheless, all but a few people declined going, and apparently Hinata had already said he was going. Yachi was always invited and she always turned the proposition down with a blush. Because Shimizu was present, Tanaka invited her, but she declined as well.

The night of the 'party / obligatory meeting' was more or less a hectic day. Kageyama had a test that he had been studying all week for, Yachi had been acting increasingly weird after Shimizu visited, and Hinata had to miss the end of three more practices. The stress of thinking about it and then pretending he actually never thought about it were nothing if not taxing on the stressed out blue-eyed setter. 

Nevertheless, that night a party was scheduled and a party there was indeed. Kageyama had made his peace with it, and was about to open the door when it was, perhaps conveniently and perhaps not, opened for him. "Tobio-chan!" A cheery, light voice exclaimed. Oh no.

Oh yes. There, standing in the doorway of Tanaka's house as if he owned the placed, was none other than the brown haired setter, Oikawa Tooru.

It was going to be a long night for Kageyama.

That night was filled with many things for a certain ravenette and his blonde boyfriend. For the reason that they didn't want to completely humiliate themselves, they both had the practice to not drink very much at parties. They weren't by any means lightweights, but they still wanted to be cautious. After all, Kageyama had seen first hand how someone totally in control could go from one drink to two to four to eight and so on. Next thing they would know they would be smashed.

It was actually pretty annoying.

They played all the stupid worth games that are so utterly cliche but people love them anyway. Things like Never Have I Ever, Truth or Dare, beer pong, seven minutes in heaven, spin the bottle, etc. Every time they would be suggested more than a few people would groan, like "really?" But there weren't actually any genuine complaints and it was fairly obvious to everyone.

During their game of Never have I ever, Tanaka said, "Never have I ever, um . . . Given a blow job!" The captain and Tanaka watched as all the second and third years but them put a finger down. "Noya?!" Tanaka asked, "You too?!" The small libero took another swig of beer from his bottle and shrugged at the distressed straight man.

"Yeah. Um, me and Asahi wanted to keep it on the down low but we're totally dating and," _hic_ , "in love and all. It's great." Most everyone stared at Noya in shock. The small libero seemed to enjoy the attention, and he answered a few questions about it. Tsukishima wasn't surprised, and neither was Kageyama. They were busy exchanging money. Noya saw, and said, "Wait, you knew? You bet on my relationship?"

Kageyama laughed. He had had just enough alcohol for his smiles and laughing to come pretty easily, and it was a well known fact by now that whenever Kageyama wasn't forcing it, he had the smile of an ever so slightly sultry angel. "Yeah, we could tell you and Asahi were dating. Well, Kei could. We bet on when you would come out. I said it would be sober and Kei said it would be drunk."

"I'm not," _hic_ , "drunk!"

"Sure you aren't."

"I swear!"

Tsukishima smiled in a kinda sarcastic way. "I believe you." Kageyama rolled his eyes and elbowed his boyfriend. Tsukishima frowned, so he gave the tall blonde boy a quick, chaste kiss. It was a little surprising how easy going and okay with things Kageyama was when just a little intoxicated.

The boys moved on to doing not really anything. They were just sort of in a circle, talking about stupid things. Every once in question while someone would randomly dare another to do something utterly crazy and ridiculous, and the dare would be met with grins and a "let's do it!" Attitude. The TV was just on in the background, and it was annoying Kageyama so he went to go turn it off.

"-old gang, call themselves Queens-"

Ugh. He hated petty news stories. It was always some gang or some murder that the reporters would take advantage of with fake sadness. They would blow up certain things and keep other things that might be more important on the down low. And so people would die and suddenly it was like one big game. Well, Kageyama didn't believe in that way of life. It's all fun and games ‘til someone ends up dead in an alleyway. 

"Hey Kageyama! Why'd you turn that off?"

"He hates the news."

It wasn't Tsukishima that said that (though it looked like he had been about to say that) but it was none other than Hinata. Kageyama pointedly sat down next to his tall blonde boyfriend, their thighs touching. Tsukishima put his arm around Kageyama's shoulders. No one else really payed attention to the sudden tension, and Hinata quickly changed the subject.

The thing that was one of the most impressive about the party at Tanaka's was the food. It was no secret that the volleyball boys tended to eat an enormous amount, and Tanaka had prepared literal bucket-loads of snacks and things like that for the teammates coming over. However, Tanaka had apparently not been completely prepared for one thing : Hinata wanted a cherry.

There wasn't even a conceivable reason either. Hinata just suddenly said, "Tanaka!"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a cherry?"

" . . . Maybe?"

"If you do, can I have it? I wanna show something that I can do." Tanaka stood up from his sitting down position on his couch.

"Um, okay?" After looking through his refrigerator and being told that, no, he couldn't use a frozen cherry, Tanaka found a bag of cherries in the back of his fridge. "Ah! Here we go!" He shouted, throwing the bag at Hinata. The ginger pulled his hand back to spike it before realizing he needed to catch it, not spike it, and he shifted his hands to catch the bag of cherries.

He pulled one out, grinning like a madman simultaneously. "Alright guys, " Hinata said, "Gather around, gather around. Time for me to amaze you all!" Hinata plucked the stem of the cherry off, and set the fruit part of the cherry down.

"Aren't you going to, I don't know, _eat_ the cherry?" Ennoshita asked. It turned out that their captain got quite sarcastic whenever he was drunk or just a little bit intoxicated.

"Not for this," Hinata replied, looking a bit sly. Surprising most, he took the cherry stem and popped it in his mouth. Some people said Ew, others questioned his sanity or what he thought he was doing.

"Hinata, that's really gross, right?"

"Why are you eating that part?"

"Are you mentally okay?"

Hinata just moved his mouth around, crunching his face up in concentration. A second later, he took the cherry stem out of his mouth, and everyone realized what he had been doing. The cherry stem, covered in a light layer of saliva, was tied into a knot. "I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my _tongue_!" Hinata explained, eyes gleaming and beaming at everyone.

"Woah! How do you do that?" Tanaka asked. Hinata smirked.

"It's called skill." Was his reply, followed shortly by a drunken hiccup.

"I bet that makes you really good at kissing. And probably oral too. I've always heard that being able to do that is kind of a genetic thing." Noya commented in a rather offhand sort of way. Hinata nodded, and opened his mouth to speak when Oikawa said something.

"You hear that Sho-chan? That Just means you were _born_ to suck dick." Oikawa's voice came out in a purr, almost a whisper but they could all hear him. Hinata turned to him, still smirking and his eyes hooded just a little bit. Kageyama felt rage rising inside of him at that comment. How was that respectful to Hinata? How could Oikawa just treat Hinata like an object, only good for teasing and fucking around with?

Kageyama couldn't help but feel like punching that Brown haired setter right in his face, but a light touch from Tsukishima on his shoulder stopped him. Hinata didn't seem to mind at all, and it wasn't like Hinata's honour or whatever was Kageyama's to defend anymore.

"You just are trying to say I was born to suck _your_ dick." Oikawa shrugged in a response, his hands resting gently on Hinata's upper thighs in a way that was not at all subtle. They saw Oikawa rub tiny little circles into the skin, and Hinata's cheeks reddened just a little bit.

The brown haired setter moved his mouth closer to Hinata's ear and said, "Well, that's just a given." They all visibly saw Hinata shiver under what little touching and movements Oikawa had done. Hinata looked just a little bit uncomfortable with doing what he was in front of a lot of his friends, but the fact that he was drunk was helping a lot with any reluctant behavior he may have otherwise been exhibiting.

"Well, uh . . ." Hinata attempted changing the subject, but a hiccup interrupted him. "Um, yeah, Well, the only reason I tried to learn it at first you know, was because of -mmph!" Hinata had been about to finish his sentence when Oikawa interrupted him thoroughly by slamming his lips onto Hinata's, pulling the redhead into his lap with fluid movements and feeling no hesitation at running his hands all over Hinata's lithe body. They saw Oikawa practically grope Hinata's ass, and the small boy was like malleable putty in Oikawa's hands. 

All of his words at explaining where he first learned it or why were lost in him kissing the brunette setter like his life depended on it. "Get a room!" People said, when Hinata practically grinded on Oikawa whilst still in his lap. Hinata had responded enthusiastically, and it was clear to everyone in the room that the two hadn't been joking around when they called each other fuck buddies. After a moment longer, Oikawa separated his lips from Hinata's with a smug look on his face. Hinata was panting, eyes still closed and he was clinging to Oikawa like a koala bear. His cheeks were flushed and his lips swollen.

"Y'know," Oikawa crooned at the boy in his lap, "I think we'll do just that. Do you have a room we could use, oh great Tanaka?" The brunette setter looked over at the bald teen expecting an answer.

Tanaka shrugged. He pointed to a hallway behind him. "That hallway, second door on the right. Please don't be too loud, I really don't need to hear that." Oikawa smirked and picked Hinata up bridal style, carrying the slightly drunk teen to the room Tanaka mentioned and closing the door with his foot.

Kageyama couldn't stop thinking about one particular thing. Right before Oikawa had interrupted Hinata, the small redhead had been about to say something. The thing that most disturbed Kageyama wasn't the fact that as he sat there he knew Oikawa was fucking Hinata, it was the flash in Oikawa's eyes right before he had kissed Hinata. It was almost too fast too notice, but Kageyama knew what he saw.

It had been an almost scared look, mixed with determination. And something else too. Not lust, not desire, but something . . . cold. A look that was hard and deadly, sharp as steel. A look that could slice you to ribbons. The most unnerving part of that flash of the look wasn't the look itself. No, it was the fact that Kageyama had seen that deadly terrifying look before, not too long ago.

He had seen it in the eyes of Shimizu Kiyoko.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited, as always, by the incredible SilverDragon00.
> 
> (Double update today because I can't update next Thursday.)

Kageyama had never meant to act like a creep.

It was an accident, he would swear. It was all because of Oikawa and Hinata acting all weird that he even followed them in the first place. Hell, he had never intended to follow them. They just happened to leave the party in the morning like Kageyama did, and for five minutes they happened to walk a way that could be a route to Kageyama's apartment. It was really just a bit of mere coincidence, really.

Well, it was initially. (Sort of.)

What had happened was that Tanaka's party lasted longer and longer into the night and early morning, and Oikawa and Hinata didn't experience any of the last bits of the party due to the fact that they had been getting laid. When they finally left the room that they had been in, the party was over (more or less)  and most of the people were passed out in random places. Kageyama had woken up in the loose embrace of Tsukishima on a couch, and had wiggled out if it so he could utilize Tanaka's bathroom.

When he left the bathroom, he noticed Hinata and Oikawa walking out the door hand in hand. Hinata always did have hardly any hangovers, he remembered. Ugh, why did they let the recovered/recovering alcoholic drink? He wanted to hit his head he felt so stupid. He just hoped that their collective stupidity hadn't caused  Hinata to relapse into his old ways. Then again . . . Hinata never did say he stopped drinking altogether, he only seemed to have stopped his reckless ways of going out and getting drunk and sleeping with strangers.

Kageyama didn't really know what feeling exactly it was that was his driving force to follow Oikawa and Hinata out that door, but one second he was watching them leave and the next he was out the door. He did that little thing where you try to keep a good distance between who you're tailing and you, but honestly he lost them a couple of times. It was good that after a while he could tell which general direction they were going.

They were heading to, well, _that_ part of town. Y'know. The part that can get really bad at night, and unless you know how to navigate and live in it safely, you honestly should try to stay away. Kageyama didn't really know why he was even following after it was positive that they could not be going in a more opposite direction than his apartment with his mother. Still, he persevered in his set decision that he was following them. If he wanted to, he could say that he just wanted to try and make sure they weren't doing anything dangerous, or that he wanted to perhaps protect them if they got into a sticky situation.

Honestly, at that point he was simply curious as to what Oikawa and Hinata could have business doing in _that_ part of town.

He was a little bit feeling like he should walk away just because of how utterly normal Oikawa and Hinata looked walking down the streets and sidewalks together. Hinata might bounce up and say something, or Oikawa might smirk, and overall they just looked like friends who were walking with each other and saying stupid things just because they were young and they could. (Kageyama remembered being like that with Hinata, but he pushed the thoughts and memories concerning that away.)

After a while, Kageyama felt he should turn away, just forget about all of it, for an entirely different reason. As the part of town got steadily more dangerous, Oikawa and Hinata looked steadily more and more deadly. Every fiber of Kageyama's being was telling him that he did not belong here and he needed to _get the fuck away as soon as possible_. But, he followed the boys anyway. He tried to mimic a brooding, dangerous expression. As he already looked a little scary with his resting face sometimes, Kageyama actually managed to pull of the scary 'don't mess with me' look really well.

He let his mind wander a little bit while he followed Oikawa and Hinata, as a distraction and also because it was easier than he thought to tail the other two teens. (Perhaps he was good at tailing, or perhaps Oikawa and Hinata just didn't expect anyone to be following them.) So yeah, he let himself think a little bit. Just about life (and how his might be shortened if he stepped another foot into _that_ part of town).

While it was a Saturday, and he would usually go to practice on Saturdays, Ennoshita had spoken with Ukai and Takeda about not having practice that weekend. Ukai had agreed, so that the boys could have a weekend just to be boys or something along those lines. Kageyama knew that the following Monday was going to be June 20th, and that marked only one month until their two month summer vacation. It marked the end of first term, and pretty much what was a  halfway point of Kageyama's second year of high school. He could hardly believe it, the year was slipping by so fast. It seemed like only a few moments ago he had had his first successful quick with Hinata, and now it was already a memory, a moment gone forever yet torturingly _there_.

He wondered if they would have another week long training camp in Tokyo with the powerhouse schools again. Hopefully they would, because he had actually enjoyed it. Being with a large group of people who felt as strongly or almost as strongly about volleyball as he did, feeling himself and the team get better and grow together every day, the amazing barbecue and that glorious meat. . . Yes, he had actually enjoyed the training camps quite a lot.

After a while, Kageyama stopped walking, as he had lost Oikawa and Hinata. Panic surged through him. If he didn't have a sense of purpose here anymore, someone might notice. He might just go from being able to scare people off with his resting bitch face to becoming the prey in a cesspool of nasty predators. Anything could happen, really, and it was terrifying.

A second later Kageyama calmed down, as he could see where the two other teens had gone. They had gone into a small corner store, and it seemed they were simply talking to the man behind the counter. Well, Oikawa was talking mostly. Hinata appeared to be just observing, though he still had his dark, dangerous and deadly expression splayed all across his usually bright, happy, overwhelming and sunny face.

Kageyama looked at the name of the store and felt relief, he knew that store! Him and his mom loved their food, they just usually went to one that was a bit closer to their own home. He also knew that Hinata knew he liked that store, so Kageyama felt good knowing that he could walk in and seem purposeful, and he would have an easy excuse to why he was there.

And perhaps it would have been a better idea for Kageyama to take the time to size up the situation going on that he could see through the window, but he didn't. Confidence flowed into and through his steps, and his feet easily led him right to the door of the corner store, and he walked through the door with little to no hesitation at all. The ding of the bell was more or less quiet, and Oikawa, Hinata, and the man behind the counter didn't seem to notice that Kageyama had entered the store.

" . . . Already two weeks late. Only because you haven't missed a week before we were this lenient, but there are limits and you are fast approaching them." Oikawa sounded downright terrifying. His normal easy going voice that he used whenever teasing Hinata or talking with people regularly was long gone. In its place was a hard as steel and sharper than a knife kind of voice that made Kageyama wonder if it could cut him if he came too close.

"Just a few more days! I almost have it all, I swea- Oh! Hello there!" The man behind the counter noticed Kageyama, and was very enthusiastic about making sure it was clear that there was someone overhearing them. Hinata turned first, his eyes lighting up and growing wider at the sight of Kageyama. Oikawa had the same look in his eyes that he had earlier - the deadly sharp one - and he looked irritated at Kageyama interrupting whatever had been going on.

"Ah! Bakageyama! What- what are you doing here?!" Hinata exclaimed. The short redhead teen seemed to be a little bit panicked to Kageyama, and the ravenette setter wondered what Hinata and Oikawa were hiding. He walked closer to the two other boys, and was a little bit surprised to see Oikawa's expression never leave the stormy, dangerous look. The brunette male's arms were crossed over his chest, his nose up and eyes trained directly on Kageyama. The ravenette couldn't help but feel a little bit like Oikawa might pounce on him at any second.

Kageyama didn't let himself back down from Oikawa's stare, however, as he had a perfectly good excuse to be there and that filled him with a bit of confidence. "Um, Hinata, you know that I come to this store sometimes. Just a different one usually. Still, I was in the area and thought I'd pick up my mom's favorite dish from here. Or," Kageyama narrowed his eyes at the pair of boys, "is that somehow not _legal_ anymore?"

There was too much tension growing, and too much accidental emphasis on the word legal. Kageyama wasn't really thinking about what he may have been implying with his words, but Oikawa's fists balled up and the man behind the counter of the store shook his bald head a little bit in fear. Hinata tilted his head, seeming to not even notice how thick the atmosphere of the little shop had gotten since Kageyama entered.

Oikawa clenched his jaw, his eyes narrowing to match Kageyama's own eyes. Hinata seemed to notice the tension growing in the air that was between the two setters, and he laughed nervously. "Oh, um, yeah. I remember. Go ahead, get what you came for. It's cool." Hinata seemed to be so nervous about the situation that he even forgot to smile his new sunny smile, instead Kageyama got flashed with the old (better, in his opinion) smile.

Oikawa snarled at Kageyama, it was like the brunette setter wasn't even trying to hide the clear hostility directed at Kageyama in his eyes. He brushed past the ravenette, walking to the door with an air of contempt. "Yeah, get what you came here for." He turned and gave Kageyama the steely, deadly sharp look again. "We're finished here." He held out an arm, raising an eyebrow at Hinata. "Come along, _Shoyou. We're leaving_."

Hinata's eyes widened at the poisonous tone of voice and the serious sounding use of his first name, and quickly walked over to the taller boy, practically running in his haste. The air inside the shop felt brittle, like any move Kageyama made might make something snap and then all hell would break loose. Something in Kageyama's chest tightened, something about the situation felt very, very distinctively _wrong_. Hinata left the shop with Oikawa, and neither of the boys looked back at him even once.

The man behind the counter didn't speak for a moment or two, but that was alright for Kageyama be cause the ravenette setter might not have noticed if the man had shouted at him. He felt his heartbeat in his ears and in his feet, and his mind was racing and stumbling and falling . . . Falling far and fast and it turned out the man behind the counter actually was trying to communicate with him, He was shouting at Kageyama.

"Sir! Sir! _Sir_!" Kageyama blinked and turned his head to look at the man behind the counter. How long had he just been staring at the door, how long had he been transfixed on the last place the two boys had been that he had actually seen them? While he still looked a little bit shaken, the portly man appeared to be way less nerve wrecked as before. "Young man?" The man asked in a quieter voice, seeming to have noticed that Kageyama wasn't zoned out any longer.

"O-Oh. Yes?" Kageyama replied, still a little bit startled. He blinked hard, and tried not to think about what had just gone down in the very location he was still occupying.  The man behind the counter of the store seemed even more relieved now that Kageyama was actually replying to him instead of just staring at the door with a tinge of murder in his gaze. Kageyama un-clenched his fists to see half moon shaped imprints from his nails having dug into his skin.

"Ah. Did you want something to eat?" Kageyama checked the time on his phone, and he saw that it was midday already. He nodded at the man behind the counter, and he ordered his mother's favorite meal from this store to-go. He was already somewhere he didn't especially know how to get back from home from, he figured he might as well get some food and do some good while he was at it.

While it felt a little intruding, Kageyama couldn't stop himself from asking the man something. "I- I know this isn't my business, Sir, but I heard a little bit of what those two were saying." The man's eyes widened, a little bit of panic and anxiety flooding them before Kageyama could reassure the man in his own good intentions. "I was just wondering if you were alright," the ravenette setter finished, trying to make the man feel more at ease.

The man behind the counter of the store scrunched up his face like he was thinking and simultaneously bit down on his lip, like he was deciding something. After a few moments, he sighed. "I'm a good, honest man," the man behind the counter said, "but a few years ago my wife, well, she was so sick and we couldn't afford the treatment. It was . . . Rough." Kageyama nodded, he knew what it was like to be worried and torn up inside about a scarily sick or injured family member.

"So, I borrowed money from my . . . Brother." Something felt just a little bit off about that statement, something that Kageyama decided he didn't really care enough about to decipher. The man sighed, "and I'm still paying him back. I just had a rough week with business, and I missed a payment date. Those two were just acting as messengers for my . . . Brother. He pays them for it, so I don't think they mind." The man chuckled, "the way they go about it though, you'd think they were in, I don't know, a gang or something. Heh."

The man's expression was not especially matching the tone of his voice. He looked like he was just playfully talking about to boys, but his voice sounded serious. Kageyama didn't really pay attention to that, though, he was feeling a little bit antsy about the situation. He didn't really want to be in the store anymore, he just wanted to leave. He could still feel a little bit of leftover tension from earlier clogging up his veins and his thoughts.

Kageyama laughed a little bit out of courtesy, and accepted the food whilst paying the man. "Thank you, good bye!" The ravenette setter called out before walking out of the door and into the street. He was about to start walking to his home when he realized . . . He didn't exactly know which way to go. He had been following Oikawa and Hinata before, but now he was lost. Frowning, he pulled out his phone to text his mom.

 **Tobio** : So . . . I might be lost and don't know how to get home.

 **Mom** : Tobio! Seriously? Ugh.

 **Tobio** : I mean I have one of your favorite foods though

 **Mom** :  . . . Where are you?

After a few minutes of looking over his shoulder every other second and waiting for his mom a block down from the shop, she pulled up in her car beside him. "Hey problem child," she called out, "get in!" He rolled his eyes at her nickname for him and got into the shotgun seat. "Oooh, that smells good," she commented regarding the food. "Now . . . what were you doing in _this_ part of town?"

Kageyama shrugged in a response, and his mom made a mock-offended sound at him. "Excuse you, I just picked you up from here, I think I deserve at least a little bit of an explanation!" She glanced over at him with a playful expression with an underline of seriousness before looking back at the road. Before he could respond to his mom, she added, "Oh right! And, I'm your mom. Now that's a good reason to give me an explanation, 'cause I could ground you if I wanted to, y'know."

Kageyama groaned, and he put his face into his hands. "Ugh, fine."

"Ugh, fine," she mimicked him, her imitation of him lacking the quality of actually sounding like him. He wanted to roll his eyes at her, but instead he tried to think of a way to explain things to his mom that sounded real but was really just the truth with something of a . . . A screen over it. The best lies are mostly true, or at least have a believable truth, so he just needed to take what actually happened and . . . Slightly modify it.

"Alright, so I woke up at Tanaka's place, y'know how he had the 'obligatory meeting' and I went because why not, well so I woke up craving this food." His mom raised her eyebrow. He was going to add more to his slight lie, but she just took it and went from there.

"So why didn't you take Tsukishima with you? I want to see that boy again sometime, he's great. Great for you too." Kageyama sighed in a way that wasn't very genuine. His mom seemed to just love Tsukishima, when she had met him even before the two boys were starting to date she openly told them that she shipped them. When Kageyama told her that he was dating Tsukishima she practically did a victory dance. It was a good thing that Tsukishima thought Kageyama had a cool mom and was okay with how much she absolutely adored him.

"He was still asleep. He has a cute sleeping face - stop squealing at me! And I didn't want to disturb him. God, woman, calm down." She was still smiling though, most likely just due to the fact that Kageyama had called Tsukishima cute on his own. That was why Kageyama was actually good at lying, he knew exactly what to say that they would believe and simultaneously be distracted by and less them onto a different topic of discussion.

When they got to Kageyama's apartment, his mom declared that there was too much food for just the two of them. So, Kageyama invited Tsukishima over to eat. "Hey," he said on his phone, "um, me and my mom are going to eat and we have extra food. Do you, uh, want to come over and eat with us?" As soon as the phone had picked up Kageyama had started talking, so he was a bit surprised when he heard Yamaguchi's awkward sounding laugh.

"Oh, um, sorry Kageyama," the sweet boy said on the phone, his voice sounding sincerely a bit regretful. Kageyama somehow got a bit more irked at that. "Tsukki is over here right now, we were about to eat lunch. I don't really think he'll be eating with you and your mom, I'm sorry Kageyama." The slightly good mood Kageyama had been in due to his mom and the food was shattered, torn, and fucking thrown out the window.

His expression went stone cold, and even though Yamaguchi couldn't see his face he sure as hell could hear the tone of Kageyama's voice. "Oh. Well, alright then. Enjoy your meal." The words felt bitter on Kageyama's tongue, and he didn't like the way jealousy was rising inside of him and clouding all of his vision from sharp to a misty grey. Maybe a tinge of red in there too.

Of course, it just had to be Yamaguchi.

Just then, Kageyama heard the faint sound of someone on Yamaguchi's end of the phone saying something. "Yamaguchi! Get over here, put the phone down. The food is gonna get cold." Kageyama heard the slight rustling of moving clothing.

"It's Kageyama talking," Yamaguchi said, and God _damn_ it even Kageyama could hear the slight hope in the big eyed boy's words. It was ever so clear that Yamaguchi wanted Tsukishima to just disregard Kageyama, to not care and to insist that Yamaguchi just get to the food already. But, Tsukishima didn't.

"Oh?" Kageyama heard Tsukishima say. "Bring it over here, then." Kageyama felt a weird feeling creep over him, it stuck onto his tongue in an uncomfortable way and it seemed into his bones. He didn't know why, but the feeling made him not want to talk to Tsukishima, he just wanted to maybe hang up on his tall blonde boyfriend and go eat with his mom already.

"No, it's okay," Kageyama hurriedly said, and before he could even really have a mental debate about it he simply hung up the phone. The feeling didn't go away though, and even after he'd gone down to the gym and worked out for hours he still felt like he needed to go get running. One saying kept coming back to him, one that his mom would sometimes say whenever she did something a little bit reckless. It was a quote from one of her favorite foreign movies, and it was something practically ingrained into Kageyama's head at that point.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

The next Tuesday at practice, Kageyama saw many things. Some of them he didn't want to see, others he thought that might be his eyes tricked him into believing he saw something that he didn't, and other times he saw things that made him want to scream at that high gym ceiling. Needless to say, Kageyama certainly had quite the day on that fateful Tuesday. (Well, he wouldn't call it a fateful Tuesday as Kageyama absolutely refused to indulge in any ridiculous ideas such as things like destiny, fate, luck, etc.)

First off, Kageyama had been trying not to think about the thing that happened with Tsukishima. After a little bit  of thought, he decided to himself that his reaction to the situation was a little bit overdramatic. Yamaguchi was Tsukishima's best friend, it only made sense that he'd hang out with his best friend sometimes and Kageyama wouldn't be there. Just because Yamaguchi had a ridiculously obvious crush didn't mean that Tsukishima was actually doing anything with him regarding it.

Kageyama trusted Tsukishima. He knew that he could always trust the tall blonde boy, and he assured himself of that over and over. Still, the thought of Yamaguchi sending wistful, longing looks at Tsukishima was like an itch that the ravenette setter could never really reach, and it bugged the absolute shit out of him. He wanted to just go up to Yamaguchi and tell him to fuck off, but alas, life isn't that easy.

The real cherry on top, however, was the fact that Kageyama was late to practice that day. Of course, the thing holding him back just had to be a confession from a starry eyed girl who was too nice for her own good. He had to be nice about letting her down, so it took even longer to get to practice. Just that was enough to make him irritated, but then there was more to come.

When he walked through the gym door, he got to have a nice, in-your-face view of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi having a little bit of more private practice. He knew that it didn't mean anything other than the fact that the two boys were friends, but he ground his teeth instead of just simply gritting them, and he had to try his hardest not to obnoxiously clench his jaw to show off just how annoyed he was getting to be. He was so distracted by them, He accidentally tripped Up the steps and banded his head on the ground, _hard_. No one noticed, to which he was thankful for. How embarrassing was that?

His negative feelings were eased just a little bit whenever Tsukishima's gold eyes lit up a bit at the sight of the ravenette setter. Though Tsukishima didn't do something crazy like run over and kiss Kageyama, or shout out hello at the other boy (maybe Kageyama would have appreciated just a bit more crazy at that particular moment, but he was prepared to simply take what he could get and not complain), the slightly noticeable reaction to Kageyama was enough to make him want to hit a wall a little bit less than he had wanted to before.

It wasn't enough though. For some reason, Kageyama felt himself getting confused and irked at almost everything all throughout practice. At one point Ennoshita asked Kageyama if he was alright, did he need to sit out for a little while? The first years eyed him somewhat warily, they had a seen an agitated Kageyama just a few times and knew that they certainly didn't want to experience being near one ever again.

The thing was that Kageyama didn't know why he was so irritable. He just . . . was! It wasn't like he wanted to be, it was just that almost every little thing that anyone did, including himself, was driving him absolutely mental. Up the wall. Completely bonkers.

Insane.

Halfway through practice, he hit his quick with Hinata, the really fast one. He wanted to let out a humorless laugh at the fact that high fiving Hinata because of the quick felt really good. He completely and utterly hated the fact that he reveled in the way that Tsukishima had his eyes lingering on Kageyama and Hinata whenever they did their insanely fast quick. He didn't want to be jealous, he didn't want to be feeling any of this! And God damn it, he didn't want to be feeling better because of Hinata of all people. That was the second thing he saw, that he wasn't in any way in control.

A few minutes after the quick and the high five, several things happened at once. One, it was Hinata's turn to serve. At the same time, Tsukishima leaned over and whispered something in Yamaguchi's ear, thoroughly distracting Kageyama. The next thing was that right before Hinata his the ball, Oikawa fucking Tooru practically waltzed through the gym door as if it was the time to try for making the grand entry of the motherfucking century.

Kageyama wasn't paying attention to the game at all anymore, Hinata hit the ball weird because of his surprise at seeing Oikawa walk through (though at this point it was a wonder that Hinata could still be surprised about something like that), and the ball copied the actions of the ball during that one practice match that they had played so long ago when they were only young first years.

The ball slammed hard on the back of Kageyama's head. He didn't help, though Hinata let out an alarmed and slightly afraid squawking noise, Kageyama just let out a soft " _oh_ " sound. He blinked, and it felt like he was a bent nail that had just been hit with a hammer back into shape. He could see it. He was letting himself think and his eyes were open to match his gaping mouth and oh god how had he been so blind so as to do that?

He noticed why he was getting irritated, it was the weird way that Hinata and Yachi had been acting ever since Shimizu had come and visited them all in the gym. The fact that he had denied everything, every sight from his eyes and his own mind had made his subconscious go all the way nuts. But now, oh god, it felt good to let himself actually see the things going on around him.

He noticed Hinata in general. Why the fuck was that little redhead changing so many things about himself? Why the fuck did that shrimp of a kid think it was a good idea to change all the parts of him that Kageyama had loved the most? The laughs, the smiles, the ways of talking, they were all so different and strange and just utterly . . . Foreign to Kageyama. So why was Hinata going so far as to steal him self away? To destroy the person Kageyama had known well once upon a time?

And Oikawa. Oh god. He let himself fully think about how much that fucker pissed him off. Why was that tall brunette bothering to make himself a place in Hinata's life? Kageyama let himself stop pretending he didn't care about what Hinata was going, because he so did care. Oh my god, how could he not? Not to mention, they were fuckbuddies? Did Hinata even think anything through?

And it kind of hurt Kageyama's brain, because all of this realisation and accepting and noticing was all happening in what was really a sickeningly short time span of about five seconds. He blinked, hard, again. "Hey Kageyama? You okay?" The voice was tentative, and it belonged to a certain redhead that Kageyama finally admitted he actually spent a lot of time thinking about.  The ravenette setter turned to face Hinata.

And yes, it was disorienting. Memories flooded his brain, begging him to notice the little things that he had denied and pushed away. But now he at least knew for sure he was upholding his promise to his mom. He wasn't pretending to not see things anymore, he wasn't pretending in general. And . . .  Oh god did that feel so, so good.

"Yeah," he replied, actually smiling a little bit. It was a little strange to him that at that moment Hinata and his beautiful concerned face was all Kageyama could see, but he let that pass. He found that the words passing through his lips were actually containing truth when he simply said, "I'm okay."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was edited by SilverDragon00, the most amazing of the silver dragons.

It was getting to be more or less overwhelming.

Kageyama couldn't seem to stop himself from noticing things. He'd pretended so long, after he let himself follow those two, after he let himself notice what they were doing, everything was sticking out. All of the feelings he'd suppressed were reeling throughout his head, flooding every last living corner of his mind. And letting himself noticing all the things he'd made himself not notice all at once . . . It hurt. It confused him. He didn't like it.

But he did. Because at least now he knew he was keeping his promise to his mother better, as he was pretending much less. But the side effects were, um, well . . . Less than desirable. Basically, a few seconds after he told Hinata he was fine he passed out cold. He woke up hours later in a hospital bed (he would insist that that was overkill, he really was actually okay), and the only people by his bedside were his mother and Tsukishima.

He could very lightly feel his heartbeat in his ears and in his feet, and the light felt too bright.

When his eyes first blinked open they were talking to each other in soft voices, so Kageyama had a few moments to look around at his new surroundings. Why was he in a hospital? What . . . What had happened to him during volleyball practice? And . . . Why was the only person that Kageyama could remember before utter pitch blackness . . . Hinata, of all people it could've been? Why not Tsukishima, that would make more sense, right?

Then, his wondering about his situation was cut short by his mom almost shrieking his name when she saw his eyes were open and he was sitting up. "Tobio!" It kind of hurt his ears a little bit, and he winced. She and Tsukishima had been sitting in folding chairs, and he noticed that Tsukishima's hand was holding onto his, strong and steady. The blonde boy's bright gold eyes lit up when Kageyama looked at him. He squeezed Kageyama's hand in his.

"King." The word is short, soft, and hardly even there, but it means more to the both of them than an "I love you" could've at that moment. Kageyama relaxed slightly, his hand squeezing Tsukishima's back briefly. Kageyama's mom saw it all and had to visibly bite her lip to stop from magnifying over her son and his cute tall boyfriend. She had done it before, it just wasn't the time.

The ravenette setter attempted speaking, but his throat was exceptionally dry and trying to talk felt like he was torturing himself. He noticed a bedside table with a cup of water on it, and he detached his hand from Tsukishima's to take a drink. He made an appreciative noise at the feeling of water sliding down his throat, dampening the overly dry parts and making his throat feel less like it was made out of sandpaper.

Kageyama sighed, and set the cup of water down reluctantly so that he could talk to his mother and his boyfriend, both having been waiting for him to be finished. "Okay," he started, "Why am I in a hospital bed? Did something happen to me?" Tsukishima and Kageyama's mom exchanged a look, and Kageyama's boyfriend grasped his hand again, looking a little bit scared to let him go.

"Well, we originally brought you here because you passed out in the middle of practice. It was right after Hinata accidentally served the ball right at your head, remember?" Kageyama nodded, he had a few vague memories of dull pain on the back of his head. He remembered . . . Wow. He remembered letting himself notice things, and most of all he just remembered Hinata. His smile (all of the different types, old and new), his laugh, everything.

"Y-yeah, I think I remember that." That seemed to comfort both Kageyama's mother and Tsukishima, and the blonde teen squeezed the blue eyed boy's hand another time. Kageyama felt his head reeling, jumping from conclusion to conclusion, never able to settle on one desperate idea. He passed out? So? Why was he in the hospital bed and why did they look so worried about something so trivial and kinda embarrassing as fainting during practice?

"So, when they checked you out," Kageyama's mother continued for Tsukishima, the blonde teen biting his lip while gazing at Kageyama like he was a precious gift almost stolen from him. Why did it all feel so serious? "They discovered that you actually had internal bleeding going on in your head. If left alone for too long, it can be deadly. It's hard to notice, but because it seemed to have happened close to when you were brought here they were able to fix it."

Oh. Oh. _Oh_. He had almost died, that was why they were so worried. Kageyama knew he should probably feel a little bit more concerned about the fact that in the last few hours he could have very easily died, but it didn't really sink in. "Huh," he said, voicing his almost indifferent attitude towards what could've been a fatal encounter to him. Tsukishima and his mother's eyes widened at his reaction.

Kageyama felt a very slight sting on his arm, Tsukishima had just leaked over and flicked him. It . . . Kinda hurt. "Idiot. Don't act so indifferent, we were really worried. I . . . I was really worried, Tobio." Kageyama felt his eyes widen slightly as he looked up at Tsukishima. Then, after a few moments, he smiled ever so slightly. Tsukishima was still scowling a little bit, and seemed a little bit surprised at Kageyama suddenly smiling.

"Oh. Sorry then, I'll try to care a bit more." Tsukishima cooled just a little bit more, but stopped when Kageyama lightly pressed his lips up against the blonde boy's own slightly chapped lips. It was quick, it was chaste, and it hardly counted as a kiss, but it counted to the two boys. "Thank you for worrying about me, Kei," Kageyama said in a very soft voice, still looking into the tall blonde boy's eyes like he was the whole world. Tsukishima moved his face closer to Kageyama's, as if to kiss the other boy back.

An awkward cough from Kageyama's mom brought their little moment to an end. They turned to look at her, remembering that they weren't alone in the hospital room. Their lips were still only mere centimeters apart, and bright red blushes overtook both of their faces as they practically jumped away from each other."While that was really cute, don't get me wrong," she said in a voice like she was about to laugh at them, "we actually still have another thing we need to talk about. Then you can stick your tongues in each other's mouths or whatever things you crazy kids do these days." She winked at them and Kageyama felt his blush deepen.

"O-Oh, okay," he hastily agreed, his mother was embarrassing him. The worst part was that it was all deliberate, and she knew exactly that what she was doing could only help adding to the dark, hot flush on Kageyama's cheeks, back of his neck, and the tips of his ears. She held back a laugh to say, "We still would like to find out what caused the internal bleeding. Little Hinata is panicking because he think his serve caused it, but honestly it couldn't have. It was too light, and there wasn't much power behind the serve from what I've heard."

Kageyama thought about it, though it was a little hard to coherently think as everything felt raw. His brain, his skin, his throat. He kept picking up random details, like "Oh look there's a small scratch on the hospital window" and "I've counted five times that Kei has blinked in the last fifteen seconds is there something in his eye" or "I think Mom's hair is put up in a different way, was she trying to impress someone? What was she doing when she heard I was in the hospital, she took a vacation day today and she's dressed kind of fancy." Was it still the same day? When he looked outside it was dark. How long had he been out before he had come to?

He tried to remember what had happened a few hours previous. The ravenette could remember that he had been having a more or less shit day, and that he had gotten really frustrated during practice. He also had been distracted when Hinata was serving because he saw Tsukishima whispering to Yamaguchi. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi . . . Oh! He remembered tripping up the stairs to the gym because he was distracted at them, and then he hit his head! That must have been when it happened.

"I accidentally tripped up the steps before practice, and I hit my head hard. That must have been when it happened," Kageyama told Tsukishima and his mom, and his mom nodded. And wow - the ceiling light in this hospital room was really bright, gah did it have to be so blinding? And huh, he noticed a bug on the ceiling near the light. And was that a small poster on that back wall? What did it say? And his mom just blinked, and he just realized her eyes were slightly rimmed with red like she had cried about something earlier. He felt guilt in his chest when he realized it had probably been him she was crying about.

"Alright, well, I'll tell the others that." She moved forward and hugged Kageyama tightly, then got out of her folding chair and walked towards the door. "Bye Tobio, it's great to know you're okay. I love you."

"Love you too," he said to her back as she walked out the door. It closed with a distinct click sound behind her, and then he was alone in the room with his boyfriend. The same boyfriend who was still holding onto his hand (not that Kageyama had more than one boyfriend in the first place. That want exactly the ravenette's style). Tsukishima let out a heavy sounding sigh, like he had been holding onto it for a while. His cheeks still looked like they were stained a bit red in a blush, but it had diminished from before.

Tsukishima was looking at Kageyama in the way that he hardly ever openly did. Usually Kageyama saw that kind of look in his eyes in the dark after they had just had sex. The tall blonde was the kind to enjoy cuddling after sex, and there were several times when Kageyama would catch boyfriend looking at him like was a crazy, beautiful creature. Adoration and love, mixed with a tiny bit of fear and appreciation.

"Oh god," Tsukishima said, the words vaulted off his tongue with a sort of casual colossal meaning. "Please, Tobio. Be more careful. Oh, fuck you scared me." Tsukishima had a growing broken bit of his look in his eyes, and Kageyama's heart lurched in his chest at the sight. The ravenette furrowed his eyebrows, and reached out his other hand to gently touch Tsukishima's face. He didn't really know what he was doing, but he didn't want his boyfriend to have that broken look anymore.

"Kei," he breathed. Then their lips were together, not hard or harsh but soft and light. Like they were both delicate and fragile, and scared shitless that they would shatter the other if they pushed too hard. If they ran they might've fallen, so they had the sort of kiss that's like a relaxing walk. The tension eased from Tsukishima's shoulders, and Kageyama slung his arms around Tsukishima's neck just a little bit hesitantly. It was muffled cotton, it was dreamy, and it was passionate in a way completely different than what is usually first thought of when someone says 'passionate'.

"I love you so fucking much," Tsukishima said, breathlessly smiling. Kageyama smiled back, both of them looking like utter fools. That's what they were though, Kageyama realized. Just two idiots who happened to fall in love. A stupid kind of beautiful, really. They started to continue where they left off with the kissing, but just then Kageyama's teammates burst through the door.

"Kageyama! They said we could you!"

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Tsukishima was pacing and we were worried!"

Kageyama froze, and so did his teammates when they realized just what kind of positioning the tall blonde blocker and their very own surly setter were in. Ennoshita started backing them out, saying "Oh, we didn't mean to interrupt or anything-" but Tsukishima moved apart from Kageyama and waved them in.

"It's fine, he's your teammate too." Was all the blonde said. Kageyama felt a little bit overwhelmed, were they all there waiting to make sure that he was alright? He couldn't see a single person not there, even Takeda, Ukai, and the first years had squeezed into the hospital room to see Kageyama and how he was feeling. He was barraged with questions and statements and he eventually eased up.

He started answering things people asked, getting looser and more at ease with it. The positioning of him sitting in his hospital bed and them standing was a little bit awkward to Kageyama, he wasn't very used to looking up at people, but he got used to it. His chest was swelling with emotions, they had all been worried for him, and they had all waited well into the night to just be able to see him. His hand never stopped gripping Tsukishima's the entire time, though.

After a few minutes of practically being interrogated by his fellow volleyball players, Hinata stepped forward a little bit hesitantly, his face looking solemn and like he was anticipating a slap or punch to his innocent looking face. "I . . . I'm sorry that I served into your head. It h- hurt you. I really am sorry, T-Tobio." There was a little bit of tension in Tsukishima's hold on Kageyama's hand whenever Hinata used the ravenette's first name.

Still, Kageyama knew that Hinata mainly used Kageyama's first name whenever the small redhead was serious, so it probably wasn't meant to be a subtle attack on Tsukishima. Kageyama tilted his head, and said, "Hinata. It's fine, really. If you hasn't hit my head I might not have passed out, and then they might not have gotten to the internal bleeding in time. In a way, you saved my life. So . . .thank you . . . Shoyou."

By the time that Kageyama had finished his little speech to Hinata, Tsukishima was holding Kageyama's hand so tight it felt like he may just break the darker haired boy's wrist. When Kageyama called Hinata by the ginger boy's first name Tsukishima's hold got impossibly tighter, and Kageyama had to struggle not to let out a tiny gasp of pain at it. What was Tsukishima's problem? He took their interlaced fingers and separated them, rubbing his wrist. Tsukishima's gold eyes widened at the silent realization that he hurt his boyfriend.

No one else really noticed what had transpired in those few seconds, and Hinata beamed when the others comforted him as well as the fact that he felt much better at knowing Kageyama wasn't hiding anything against him, he was actually thankful to Hinata. Slowly, people trickled out as their thirst to see Kageyama and personally make sure he was alright was quenched. Eventually, there were only a few people left in the room with him. One of them was Ukai, who informed Kageyama that just for his safety he should stay on the side of practice for a week, and the nurse informed him that he had to stay the rest of the night at the hospital.

Even that couldn't truly kill his high. The fact that every one had come and stayed to see and talk to him was still really processing in his head, and he felt appreciated, he felt real.

He felt like was flying.

The next day he got to go home, and Tsukishima was there to eat dinner with him and his mom. While Kageyama noticed that his boyfriend seemed to be a little bit tense, he wasn't exactly sure how to approach it without making it seem weird or rude. Sometimes words just failed to come to him in ways that seemed good to vocalize. So, he tried his best to make Tsukishima feel at ease. And the final days of June passed by with Kageyama sitting frustrated on the sidelines, and it was like sticky sweat staying on your skin. To put it simply, it was annoying.

Then July came. July passed by short and July passed by fast, but not in that order. 

First came the sickeningly slow days of schoolwork and staring out Windows, slow days of just wishing school was over, of crossing off days on the calendar like it was the only thing that could be done. Each day was better than the last, however, as Kageyama was being let back on the court again. He was so frustrated at himself, just by accidentally hitting his head he had almost died and was being forced to miss out on so much practice! He wanted to hit his head against a wall, but he knew that most likely wouldn't help his case at all.

He had talked to multiple people about it, one if them being Sugawara. The older setter had told him he had to be patient, but that he was sure that Kageyama would be able to play Volleyball again soon. Then, not satisfied with that answer, Kageyama complained to Tsukishima about it a little. The blonde seemed strangely passive aggressive, and the ravenette was a bit irked by that. What was his deal?

The Tokonami high school had approached the Karasuno team after they had played against each other to see about scheduling a few practice matches. Always wanting to get better, Takeda had happily agreed to having the practice matches. Kageyama was getting to play again for the first time since his annoying accident in one of these such practice matches. None of the third years of the other team were there, obviously, which included the boy that Daichi had appeared to be friends with.

While it appeared that Ukai and Takeda were still a little bit hesitant about letting Kageyama play, strangely they agreed after Hinata implored them to just let him. And sure, that was incredible for Kageyama, but it also made things infuriatingly more tense with Tsukishima, which was bothering Kageyama so much. He had no idea why it had gotten a little bit harder to be with Tsukishima lately, they had been perfect. He figured it was just the way that time goes on, not all times can be perfect.

It's not like they were yelling or fighting or anything, so that was a win in Kageyama's book.

The match progressed fairly well, for Karasuno at least. Scoring points on their side was actually happening frequently, and the spirits of the no longer flightless crows we're flying quite high. The volleyball team for Tokonami high school, however, wasn't doing as well. They weren't getting points as frequently as Karasuno, and the players were very obviously getting frustrated.

The first set went by somewhat fast, and Karasuno won it with the score of 25 - 16. The players on the other side of the net from Karasuno were sweating, gritting their teeth, and clenching their fists. Still, they didn't look very beaten down morale wise, they still seemed up for going another five hundred sets. "Remember guys," one of them shouted out, "we can't win unless we believe we can!"

Nishinoya turned to Kageyama with an incredulous expression on his face. "Did . . . Did they just quote Daichi?" He asked, a little bit of glee in his voice. Kageyama shrugged, the words sounded vaguely familiar but he couldn't say for sure who their original source was. Tanaka heard what Noya said, however, and he agreed with the short yet abundantly enthusiastic libero.

The second set was where things started to get with bit more interesting. The Tokonami high team switched out their setter, and the new one glared at Kageyama like he was the world's greatest evil. The ravenette glared right back, furrowing his eyebrows.  What right did that other setter have to just randomly glare at Kageyama like he knew the blue eyed boy personally? He didn't. Tsukishima put a hand on Kageyama's shoulder, and the ravenette was comforted by the fact that it eased him the same way it always did.

He flashed a quick upward quirk of his lips towards his blonde haired boyfriend before going absolutely all out in the set. Each toss he made felt like he was putting pieces of his soul up there with the ball. And even though he was trying hard, he couldn't help but notice the other setter. It was hard not to, his mind still felt raw in the fact that he was noticing so much and so many random details that he really didn't give two shits about.

The score was fickle during their second set with Tokonami high school. The points went up in bunches, then not at all for a little while. When the score was close to Karasuno winning, they scored three more points. They only had to score once more and Karasuno would have won the practice match. Kageyama noticed that the positioning was perfect to do a freak quick with Hinata, and the feeling appeared to be mutual.

He saw it happening all almost in slow motion. Hinata running up, the ball about to be in the position to toss it, getting his hands ready . . . When he saw Tsukishima out of his peripheral vision. He blinked, and the ball was tossed just a little bit wrong, and went too high for Hinata's hand. Still, the redhead did his best to hit the ball. Hinata fell to the ground, and the quick was. . .  Blocked.

Only a few minutes later Karasuno won the second set as well, but the shock of failing with their freak quick had both Kageyama and Hinata feeling just a little bit lost and confused. Tsukishima tried to jolt his ravenette boyfriend out of it by jostling the other boy a little bit roughly, but Kageyama just blinked dully in a response. Which, in turn, made Tsukishima get frustrated that it seemed Kageyama wasn't even trying.

A few hours later, it really sunk in for Kageyama. _We failed_. It didn't feel good. It made him kind of want to call Tsukishima, but he felt like his boyfriend was a little bit pissed at him and he felt like he shouldn't call him when It was getting closer to the middle of the night when Kageyama isn't very good at thinking and watching his mouth. Then he wondered if he should call Hinata instead, which unleashed a whole lot more of confusion and conflict inside of Kageyama's mind.

He technically shouldn't have been feeling the hesitation to be around Hinata that he was, they had both agreed to be friends (well, more or less) after Kageyama broke up with Hinata. But something about the shady talk with Oikawa and that man behind the counter at the corner store coupled with the fact that Hinata was his ex, and Tsukishima had the habit of getting jealous of the little redhead was screaming at him to not call Hinata.

So he didn't call anyone.

The rest of the July passed by like it was a criminal running for it's life from the police. It had the kind of days where Kageyama would wake up with a slightly unpleasant taste in his mouth. The rest of July was filled with the kind of moments that you realize will be memories and then with an imaginary snap of a camera lense the moment is gone and you're expected to move on with your life.

Kageyama was  cheered by the fact that he was being in a lot more volleyball practices than he had right after the accident and the hospital visit. That, coupled with Tsukishima and his relationship having a bit more ups than downs in the passing days. He had been actually getting a bit worried at how salty and bitter their moments had gotten, but all was all right in the end, just like everyone promises that it will be.

That quote kept itself in Kageyama's head, though. Get busy living or get busy dying.

 _Will life wait for me to make a choice_ , he wondered. _Probably not._

And even though Kageyama had let himself actually start noticing things again, he had stopped depriving himself of that and forcing himself to pretend about most everything, he wanted to have a break for a little while. Not necessarily pretending that his problems didn't exist, because he definitely knew that. He just wanted something of a. . .  Distraction. Something to make his thoughts turn away from things that annoyed him or frustrated the blue eyed setter to no end.

Things like Oikawa and Hinata. Ever since he'd accepted that, yes, it bothered him and something really did seem distinctly off about them, the thoughts concerning the two other males had practically barged his brain. He felt like he hardly had any chances to give his brain a rest. Was it too much to ask for to be able and not think about the way that the man behind the counter had seemed scared?

Kageyama didn't want to think about the way the two had kissed at Tanaka's party, at how visibly he had been able to see Oikawa's tongue actually go into Hinata's mouth. He didn't want to think about the dark look that Oikawa had worn on his face whenever the ravenette setter had joined them inside of the small corner shop. Honestly, if the  thoughts would just stop attacking him and forcing him to think about all the implications of them he would be incredibly grateful to them. Not an overstatement.

Then, of course, Kageyama had made the mistake of trying to talk about it with his blonde boyfriend. Whenever Kageyama asked him, "Don't you think it's kind of weird? Y'know, Oikawa and Hinata . . . dating. Or fucking or whatever they call it." At first Tsukishima had given Kageyama a look like the ravenette had just told him he had a kink for having bugs being put in his ears, and then he sighed and shrugged.

"I don't know, Tobio," the blonde boy had replied in a dry voice. "To be honest I don't really care that much about what goes on inside of Hinata's life. We aren't really close, not like- like you two were." There was a bit too much emphasis on the word 'were' for Kageyama, and the fact that he felt that way was a little bit confusing to him. He had to remind himself of how dark Hinata had been acting lately, how irresponsible with having to leave practice so much. He had to remind himself that he distanced himself from Hinata, not the other way around.

And it wasn't pretending, it really was the truth. It was just a bit annoying. And frustrating too, whenever Tsukishima genuinely seemed not to give two shits about Hinata's life, and Kageyama didn't want to bore his boyfriend with talk about his ex. Oh god, he didn't want to do that. Fuck, he thought, he was such an awful boyfriend.

One time, three days before the last day of school, Kageyama had tripped walking up the stairs of his apartment. Tsukishima had been walking up beside him, and the blonde boy fucking freaked out. He practically hung onto Kageyama the rest of the way up the stairs, and the ravenette setter was reminded of just how much his boyfriend really did care for him, even if he kind of sucked at showing it sometimes.

That night Tsukishima had been exceedingly gentle with Kageyama whenever they were getting at it, and that somehow made the ravenette setter a little bit mad. "I'm not delicate porcelain, Kei," he had breathed out, his cheeks flushed, "don't act like you're afraid that you're gonna break me." Tsukishima told him to stop whining, but he never really did stop giving it to Kageyama in gentle waves instead of rough.

The days approaching the two month long break from school had gotten to feel even shorter to most everyone. On the second to last day of school before their vacation, Ukai and Takeda informed the volleyball team that they would be having two week long training camps with Nekoma and the other powerhouse schools, so to make sure they passed everything. This time, both Hinata and Kageyama actually did pass on the first try.

Kageyama knew exactly why he had actually passed, and that was Tsukishima. With his boyfriend tutoring him on it all, he was doing well (for him at least) in his classes. He didn't want all of his boyfriend's hard work at teaching and helping him to go to waste, so he tried extra hard to study for everything. When he had passed, Tsukishima gave him a little smirk and called him king in that tone that both of them know didn't hold any hostility.

The ravenette didn't know what had been driving Hinata to do well, though. The redhead had appeared to not really studied at all, he had even left the practices early to see his aunt at the hospital again. But, when Hinata had taken all of his exams he had appeared to be the literal epitome of confidence and cool, and Kageyama wanted to know what was powering him to get all of the schoolwork done. _Whatever_ , he told himself,   _just be like Kei. Don't care._

And the last day of school before summer break felt like he really was a crow flying far, far away. Like he was free.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was edited by not a bird, not a plane, but . . . . (Suspense intensifies) . . . SilverDragon00!!
> 
> Also I hid the phrase "bona fide" in this chapter, comment if you find it (if you want to that is).

"Okay, I'm going to be honest with you, because I really do love you," Tsukishima stated, then continued, "you're getting way too obsessed with Hinata's life." Kageyama blinked. The blonde blocker had his arms crossed over his chest, and he was wearing the expression that Kageyama recognized to mean Tsukishima was utterly done. "That might've been a bit blunt, but it's the truth, Tobio. It's getting almost a little bit creepy."

What had led up to this point of confrontation? Kageyama sighed, his head and shoulders drooping. It had been his fault, really. After Kageyama had let himself start noticing things again . . . Well, things had gotten a little bit out of hand, so to speak. Perhaps his sense of personal restraint had faded a little bit (then again there was always the chance Tsukishima was saying that because he was jealous, but Kageyama didn't want to think about that possibility).

It had been coming - this conversation that is. Kageyama knew that from the moment on the second day of summer vacation that he asked Tsukishima if it was weird that Hinata was always skipping the ends of practices. The blonde male had looked at Kageyama like the ravenette teen was asking him if it was okay to make little aprons for his toes and make them do plays across Tsukishima's stomach.

The blonde boy sighed. "Kageyama, this is the . . . what? Second time you've asked me about my opinion on Hinata's life in the past two weeks or something like that. Fun fact : the answer hasn't changed a bit. I don't really care about what's going on Hinata's life, as long as he isn't killing people or something." There was an unspoken question there, _So why do you care?_ Kageyama chose deliberately to not answer it.

Ever since that summer moment, however, he knew that Tsukishima was going to have a conversation regarding how interested Kageyama was exactly in a certain redhead spiker's life. So far, the raven haired setter had found somewhat creative ways of evading the inevitability of the upcoming conversation. Still, there is a limited amounted of excuses that you can come up with, and the ravenette had not really stopped asking Tsukishima about his opinion on Hinata's life.

It was getting on both of the two volleyball boy's nerves, really. Tsukishima was sick and tired of hearing about Hinata (especially with his lingering bits of jealously towards the small redhead), and he had made his feelings of distaste quite clear to Kageyama. The ravenette, on the other hand, was aching for one of the people most close to him to just talk about it with him. He was getting annoyed at how easily and sickeningly fast tension was growing between him and his tall blonde boyfriend.

So, two days before the Karasuno team would be leaving to go to the week long training camp with the other powerhouse schools and their teams, Kageyama decided he needed to do something about the tension growing between him and Tsukishima. He thought about what to do, and couldn't exactly think of a single plausible option. When he asked his mom for advice, though, she told Kageyama that he should try treating his boyfriend to a nice date. Not too fancy, but nice. Peaceful.

So he asked Tsukishima if maybe the tall blonde wanted to go to a movie with him. It was nothing too flashy or expensive, but he was still taking him out and Tsukishima said yes with a somewhat hidden smile crossing over his face. That made Kageyama feel more sure about their relationship, and the day of the date arrived one day before the Karasuno team would leave for a week long training camp.

The date actually went well for the most part. Kageyama walked to his boyfriend's place, and whilst holding hands they walked to the movie theater together. The ravenette payed for their tickets, making Tsukishima say sarcastically, "Oh how smooth, King, I'm practically swooning right now." At those words the shorter teen lightly slapped Tsukishima on the arm, and they both laughed.

Then, the movie was actually alright. Nothing worth talking on and on and on about, but a high enough quality movie that they were both okay with it. After the movie, Kageyama took Tsukishima back to his apartment to cook lunch for the surly teen (Kageyama knew his mom wasn't going to be home because she winked at him and made sure it was very clear she would be out of the apartment when he and Tsukishima had lunch).

While Kageyama was making lunch (one of the American foods that his mom really loved, there would be extra and she could eat it later), the date was still going on completely fine. Kageyama hadn't mentioned Hinata even one time, and both of the boys could practically feel some of the tension between them melting away. Maybe Kageyama's mom knew a thing or two about gay dating after all.

During lunch, however, they started talking. Kageyama realized that everybody has a go-to topic when they're talking, and his was turning into Hinata. He did his very best to avoid talking about the decoy, or redheads in general, or short people just in general too, or even volleyball for that matter. He tried to be discreet, but after a little while he was practically bursting with the need to say something about it.

Finally, he burst. "Don't you think it's kinda weird that Hina-"

" _Don't_." Tsukishima had a cold look on his face. "I'm going to stop you right there." The blonde boy sighed, then continued. "Okay, I'm going to be honest with you, because I really do love you," Tsukishima calmly stated, then continued, "you're getting way too obsessed with Hinata's life." Kageyama blinked. Tsukishima had his arms crossed over his chest, and he was wearing the expression that Kageyama recognized to mean Tsukishima was utterly done. "That might've been a bit blunt, but it's the truth, Tobio. It's getting almost a little bit creepy."

The ravenette setter winced, and he dropped his eyes to look at the table. "I'm not _obsessed_ with him, Kei," the slightly surly boy muttered. The blonde tall boy opened his mouth to protest, but Kageyama kept talking, "He saved my life. If I'm noticing things that are going on with him, and I'm his friend . . . I also owe him. I can't just ignore when he looks like he's hurting or damaged, Kei. Not after what he did for me."

There was a moment of silence between the two teens after Kageyama spoke those words about the short redhead spiker. It was the kind of silence that feels prickly, like the space around the two of them was barbed with deadly sharp steel swords and if they moved one step out of place or spoke one wrong word they would get stabbed over and over because of what may have been just a simple mistake, some tiny miscommunication.

After the moment of stifling silence passed, the tall blonde teen rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. "Stupid. He didn't save your life, King." The blonde gave Kageyama a look like it was so sad that he had been born so unintelligent. "All he did was literally serve a ball into the back of your head. He made a mistake, really. You know who it was that saved your life? The doctors who stopped the internal bleeding. Not Hinata."

Kageyama clenched his jaw and huffed. "Say what you want, but I never would have gotten to the hospital if Hinata hadn't made that mistake and made me pass out." Tsukishima rolled his eyes again, his gaze filled with more distaste and his mouth pressed into a hard, bitter, unhappy line. All of the steel tension between them that the date had been melting away had come back ten times as strong, and that made Kageyama want to scream at how unfair it was.

Tsukishima checked the watch on his wrist and grimaced. "Sorry, King, I have to go now. I'm meeting Yamaguchi. It was nice, thank you for the movie and meal." With those words, Tsukishima left the apartment abruptly. Kageyama huffed again, and frowned deeply. This was not how he expected nor wanted his date to go, especially when it was meant to fix the slight brokenness to them. Now the slight brokenness was . . . Slightly more broken.

The next day Kageyama took his bags on the bus to go to the training camp in Tokyo. He sat next to Tsukishima on the bus, despite how that caused tension to rise in both of their shoulders. Somehow, he fell asleep on the drive to the camps, and woke up with his head in Tsukishima's lap. He could feel the blonde stroking his hair very gently, incredibly softly, and was nice again filled with a sense of hope that him and Tsukishima's relationship would be fine.

To say that the training camps that year went a bit better for Karasuno than the ones in the year previous would be a bit of an understatement. Karasuno won their first two sets that they played, and they were both against the fondly nicknamed by Hinata 'Owl Team.' When it got to playing against the Nekoma team however, Karasuno had a bit of a tougher time. Lev had somehow impossibly grown another five centimeters at least, and his moves were much more smooth and coordinated.

The thing that was somewhat a drawback for the Nekoma team was that they no longer had Kuroo Tetsurou. That third year had graduated half a year ago, and the team's new captain was none other than Yaku. While the height difference between the two captains (well, ex captain in Kuroo's case), was something along the lines of ridiculous, they both had and utilized their excellent leadership skills. Not to mention that Yaku was definitely dramatic enough to do the 'we are the body's blood' speech.

It was fairly obvious that the vice captain, Kenma, would have absolutely stopped the team from using the speech had he been made into the captain.

During their first set against the Nekoma team, they were both a bit shaky towards each other. It was well known to the other teams that the Karasuno team had the habit of evolving and using their potential to grow faster and better than the others could have previously imagined. In just a week they could be a completely different kind of skilled and it sometimes absolutely boggled the other teams.

The points were being rather fickle in how they went up during the first set that Karasuno played against the Nekoma team. First, Nekoma scored three points in a row (that wasn't necessarily good for the Karasuno morale, but Tanaka was doing well at keeping the spirit up for everyone). Then, Karasuno managed to get the ball and get four points in a row, so that they were winning by only a mere point.

After that, Kageyama caught Hinata's eye and was able to convey by only giving him a look that they should introduce the freak quick into the game, the one that they had been polishing for ages and making nearly perfect. Hinata nodded, and they got into place. At first it seemed as if the ball was going to go to Tanaka, who was drawing attention to himself perfectly. Tanaka didn't know that he and Hinata had temporarily switched places (Tanaka being the decoy this time), so it looked so genuine that Lev forgot about Hinata and went to block the bald male and . . .

The ball slammed hard onto the Nekoma side of the court, and all eyes went to where Hinata had just landed from his jump. The small redhead stared at Kageyama and the ravenette boy stared right back. They had done it. Perfectly, really. It was like the two boys were transported back to the first time they got it right, when there was a moment of shock and even though it shouldn't have surprised them at this point, they both stood stock still for a second.

For a brief moment, Kageyama remembered exactly what being in love with Hinata felt like.

Then, the court exploded in noise. People on the Nekoma team saying "don't mind" and people on the Karasuno team cheering each other and the 'dynamic duo' on the successful freak quick. The strangest feeling for Kageyama was when he high fived the shorter teen and wanted to let his hands linger, intertwine his fingers with Hinata's like he knew he used to a long time ago. He found himself wanting things he had forsaken long ago.

He shook his head. He needed to keep his mind on the ball, he needed to focus, and he most definitely did not need to be thinking about Hinata like that. Especially when his boyfriend (who Kageyama had been with longer than he had even been with Hinata in the first place) was only a few feet away from him and aforementioned short redhead. The ravenette found himself hoping that he could stop his thoughts about the little shrimpy ginger before they invaded too far.

The next time they tried the quick, Lev blocked it. Still, the adrenaline and amazing feeling of success was already injected, now it was flowing through their bloodstream and making them see in whole new ways. (In a totally figurative way, not actual drugs or anything like that).  Everything felt faster, and the Karasuno team managed to score more and more points.

Nekoma did too, though. Gaining points was a like a few of tug of war, or a really close footrace. One team would get a few pints ahead, then the next team would get a little bit ahead of them, and so on and so forth. Soon enough, the set was moving past 25, and the scores went all the way up to 29-30, and Nekoma needed one more point to win their first set against Karasuno. The crow boys were determined to bring up the score and win.

However, the next quick that Nekoma used won the set for the team wearing red. The next set started after a small break to let the team members get drinks of water and small pep talks from their respective coaches. The old Nekoma coach was still there, but he had announced that it was his last year before retiring for good. Even the Karasuno and other team members felt strangely sad and nostalgic about that bit of news.

The start of the second set was tense. Kenma, who usually didn't look all that threatening, looked a little bit like he was an evil mastermind who was capable and willing to destroy your life. Lev, with his practically freakish height, looked a little bit menacing. And Yaku, despite being unfortunately short, had such an intimidating get face that Yachi squirmed just wee bit in discomfort. The entirety of the Nekoma team was ready to face the other team across the net.

The Karasuno team, however, was getting just as ready to fight via volleyball. Tanaka was about ready to take of his shirt and twirl it over his head. Noya, despite his small stature, seemed to be the biggest on the court out of what was really just sheer bona fide willpower. Kageyama had a matching 'game bitch face' with Tsukishima, and Hinata . . . was trying his best to be intimidating. Yamaguchi just seemed to have a confidence that had grown so much over the last year, which made him seem and become strong. Ennoshita was displaying a perfect captain posture, steady and reliable but cunning as a sleek red fox. Overall, they practically looked like the volleyball version of warriors.

Really, both teams were going to try their very hardest to win.

The second set was completely different from the first one. Karasuno got a streak of points going all the way up to the score becoming 19-7, and the Nekoma team was getting frustrated. With hard effort on both sides, the score evolved into being 23-14, and even though the Karasuno team had only gained four points and the Nekoma team had gained five, the team of crows was still winning by a long way. Eventually, the set ended at 25-19, and Karasuno won the second set.

The third set to decide the winner of the match was strangely more easygoing than the first two. The intensity at the beginning of the second set was replaced with an easygoing knowledge that they were both good teams and good friends. Sure, both teams wanted to win quite sorely, but they had both relaxed a little bit when the knowledge set in on pretty much all of them that a loss to the other team really wasn't failure.

Points were both slow and fast in the third set. The first team to get points was Nekoma, but they only got one point before Karasuno got one point as well. Then, the crow team gained another point and Nekoma gained one more too, right after Karasuno gained their second point of the third set. Hinata was smiling, and Kenma was strangely almost reflecting it (it was a little weird to the other teams, how good of friends Hinata and Kenma had become in a short time).

Then, points were fast. It had come as somewhat of a shock to the Karasuno team. Why? Because, well, one second it seemed that they could win the set easily, and the next moment practically the score was 2-15, and they (the Karasuno team) were the ones who were losing. Yamaguchi looked a tad bit confused, and most of the team mirrored his expression. The one person on the Karasuno team who didn't look some variation of puzzled was a certain short redhead spiker.

Hinata looked ready to kill someone. Not ready to kill someone in a hot and angry way, but he looked suddenly like him being capable of killing someone was not a stretch of the imagination at all in the slightest little bit. The Karasuno team turned a little bit wary of their little redheaded decoy at the sight of his mood change, they knew he was a little bit explosive at time and, well, who knew how volatile he could get?

It wasn't exactly the same dark energy that Hinata had had that one day at practice, it was colder. Like ice on a steel blade, like a stab wound in the heart. Like cracking glass and like a hidden dagger, poised for the kill. Kageyama could remember seeing almost that exact expression on the face of none other than the infamous by now Oikawa Tooru, as well as Shimizu Kiyoko. It was the kind of look that would remind someone of the phrase, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold.'

While the Karasuno team had seen this side of their shrimpy spiker once before so that made them somewhat used to it, the rest of the teams practically stopped and stared at Hinata. It would be hard to blame them for that, the short redhead was actually looking scary. Like someone took confidence and deadly skill and mixed them up and then poured them into Hinata along with a striking will to kill. It looked almost like a thirst for murder. Like bloodlust in one of its most pure forms.

The person on the Nekoma team who had been about to serve the ball, a first year, had frozen in their spot. A sickening and dangerous kind of smirk spread across the redhead's face as he made a "go ahead and try" gesture. "C'mon," Hinata spoke somewhat loudly to the mostly silent gym, "what are you waiting for?" His voice even sounded dangerous, like the sharpening of a silver blade underneath the light of the moon.

The points in the third set continued to be fast. After the Nekoma first year served the ball in a somewhat shaky manner, the Karasuno team easily got a hold of it easily and the ball was spiked over the net by Tanaka, though it was almost blocked. Points continued to stack up for both of the sides, but more for Karasuno. Eventually, the score was at 22-24, with Karasuno only two points behind the Nekoma team.

Hinata was still exhibiting his dark energy, and it even intimidated Kageyama a little bit when he looked at the taller boy with that look in his eyes. Kageyama nodded, the ravenette knew what it was that Hinata was wanting. The redhead wanted to spike the ball, he wanted to win so badly it was insane. More than that, Hinata wanted it to be them that won the game for the Karasuno team, and Kageyama couldn't pretend that he didn't mirror that desire at least a little bit.

Time slowed down. It didn't stop, but it slowed and Kageyama was amazed. The ball went to his fingertips like it was answering a call that he had issued, and he set it with the expertise and the confidence of someone who knows exactly what they are doing. Out of the corner of his eye, Kageyama saw something that made him start to doubt for a second that he should have set the ball to Hinata. The blockers of Nekoma had read them like books, and had set up a wall so strong, so impenetrable, yet the ball was already out of Kageyama's hands and . . .

And it slammed through the wall of blockers and onto the other side of the court with an almost sick sort of ferocity.

Lev, the proudest member of the wall that Nekoma had formed and the self-proclaimed ace, stared at it in shock. Kenma looked at the ball and then Hinata with a calculating and somewhat concerned look clouding up his golden eyes. Yaku just looked a bit confused, albeit a tiny bit scared of the crazy power that Hinata had used to drive his spike past the blockers.

Despite the absolutely mental look that Hinata had driving him, the Karasuno team lost to Nekoma with the score of 23-25. The short redhead spiker looked just about ready to scream at the ceiling, and his dark anger had spread to form something of a figurative cloud inside the gym. It was suffocating and crackling with negative energy. Hinata excused himself to the bathroom, and everyone sighed a little bit inwardly in relief, because they could finally breath again.

Kageyama, despite the look in Tsukishima's eyes that was desperately pleading him not to, wanted to go check up on Hinata. He grimaced while making eye contact with the blonde blocker, and aforementioned blonde blocker bit on his lip. The ravenette sighed, and then turned to follow the short redhead. And Tsukishima made no move to follow and no move to stop his boyfriend. That wasn't really his style.

Kageyama walked into the bathroom to see the angry redhead splashing water on his face, practically growling in an animalistic sort of manner. "Hinata . . ." Kageyama trailed off, and then tried again. "Shoyou." The redhead whipped his head around to face the ravenette setter once the taller boy had used his first name. The ginger teen's eyes were alight with a crazed killing passion, and the ravenette almost took a step backwards.

"What do you want, _Tobio_?" Hinata spat out the words like they pained him, and his tone while using the setter's first name was almost like he was mocking Kageyama for calling Hinata by Shoyou. The ravenette setter took a tentative step closer to the short redhead, being cautious in case there was something that could suddenly leap out of the darkness inside Hinata's eyes and get him. While It woupd otherwise be considered silly, the air was way too intense and prickly to not be careful.

The ravenette slowly started to speak. "Why are you so upset, Shoyou? It's just a practice match. Sure, we lost the match but we're already doing better than we were last year." The redhead frowned even more, and it so went against Hinata's usual sunny characteristics that the entire experience felt a bit surreal to the taller yet younger teen. Being slightly apprehensive of Hinata was such a strange feeling.

"It's not just a game. It's never _just_ anything. It's a fucking battle lost. It's one more night of trying to sleep when you know that this is the real world, and in the real world the good guys _die_ and the bad guys win!" Hinata looked so enraged, but underneath it all the short redhead teen really looked like he was being tortured from the inside out. Kageyama wondered what Hinata meant. The shorter teen gave a bitter bark of a laugh. "I guess that could be good or bad for me."

Kageyama took another step towards Hinata, trying not to be too sudden. He didn't know what was driving his words, but somehow he managed to ask, "Shoyou? Are you . . . Are you one of the good guys or the bad guys?" The redhead bit his lip hard, and looked at his feet. When Hinata's voice came out of his mouth he sounded contorted in a hidden agony that he hated revealing. And maybe . . . Just maybe Hinata sounded a little bit afraid too.

"I don't know anymore."

The ravenette took a sharp inhale, then shook his head. "Let's forget about that." He could tell that Hinata was dealing with something deep and dark, and maybe he could distract the short redhead, if only for a second or two. "Either way, we aren't dealing with good or bad guys here. Ju- we're only dealing with friends and practice here." Kageyama just barely managed to stop himself from using the word 'just.'

Hinata shut his eyes hard, and took a deep inhale then exhaled a few seconds later. He repeated himself a few times, then opened his eyes and looked up at Kageyama. He no longer looked dark, or angry, or really violent at all. Just lonely. Lonely and scared, and way too young and small to be dealing with whatever was torturing him to being nearly insane. Kind of Like a puppy who bit only because that's how they had been taught to live.

"But Tobio, if I can even win in something as simple as a practice, how can I ever get it right when it really counts?"

With those words, Hinata walked out of the bathroom with his head held high and his shoulders strong.

And Kageyama wondered if they were ever talking about volleyball in the first place.

The next day at training camp wasn't nearly as eventful as it was the day before. Nekoma won a little more than half if the sets they played that day, and Karasuno won just barely under half of their sets that day. Luckily, Hinata didn't explode or even go a little dark like he had the day previous. He kept his sunny personality going strong till everyone forgot about the darkness the day before. Or maybe they just let themselves be blinded by the sun so that they wouldn't have to think about the darkness they had seen.

People tend to do that more than they let themselves notice.

It wasn't until everyone else had showered and most everyone was asleep that something happened. Kageyama had thought that maybe everything would just be fine that day, that maybe he had simply imagined the pained desperation he had seen in Hinata the day before in the bathroom. He really wanted to believe that, and even though he let himself get his hopes up that it wasn't as bad as it seemed, he couldn't just forget like magic.

In no way did Kageyama like taking the last showers of the night, that was definitely not why he was in the bathroom. In reality, the ravenette had forgotten to brush his teeth and he could practically feel them rotting away in his mouth. Eventually it kept ticking at him till he had no choice but to get up at 2:00 in the morning because he couldn't sleep simply because of his teeth. It was ridiculous, he was frustrated at it so much he wanted to stomp on the way to the hallway. He didn't want to wake anyone up, however, so he didn't.

Anyway, he was approaching the bathroom when he started to hear a voice. After a second he was able to identify it as none other than Hinata. He held his breath, and even though he knew that he really should have respected personal privacy and all of that, started to listen in on the conversation that Hinata was having with the mystery person on the other side of the phone.

"No, no, no. You _told me_ I'd have more time."

. . . .

"What? Are you actually fucking serious?!"

. . . .

"Okay, and how am I supposed to excuse that? Just go 'hey guys, sorry about this, I've gotta leave training camp a day early to go see my Aunt with a broken leg in a hospital. Not that I haven't been using that excuse for a long time or anything.' Really?!"

. . . .

"Are you pretending or are you really that stupid? I'm only in my second year of high school, Oikawa!"

. . . .

"Okay, okay, okay. I know that it's got to be hard, but can you buy me one day. Just one, _please_." There was a crack in Hinata's voice when he said please, and Kageyama realized it was because the redhead was crying.

. . . .

"What? No! I'm not trying to back out of this, I know that I'm long past the point of no return. I just don't want to be suspicious."

. . . .

"Fine, alright?! Fine. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I admit it. Can you blame me, though? Weren't you like this before your ceremony?"

. . . .

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh my god, I swear you won't regret it Oikawa."

. . . .

"Okay, yeah. Bye. See you in a few."

There was a silence, and then footsteps walking towards Kageyama. The ravenette realized that Hinata was about to walk past him, and then the redhead would realize that the taller teen had heard an entire half of what sounded like a very private conversation (with Oikawa, of all the people Kageyama could eavesdrop on Hinata talking with, it just had to be Oikawa fucking Tooru). Kageyama wanted to run but his feet felt frozen in place.

Hinata, however, didn't seem surprised to see Kageyama outside the bathroom. He sighed, like he was being forced to take out the garbage or something. Then, before the ravenette could comprehend what was happening, he was being held against the wall by his throat. It was hard to breath, and Hinata was looking up at him through dark and cold eyes when the redhead said, "Keep what you heard to yourself." The 'or else' didn't need to be said, Kageyama could already tell it was definitely there. He clawed at the hand on his throat for a second before Hinata sighed again and released him.

The next day, they both pretended it hadn't happened.

On the second to last day of the training camp, it was getting late. Still, there was a small group of people from various teams who were huddled around a TV. Even though Kageyama usually hated the news, they were doing a short segment on volleyball. To his distaste, however, all they had spoken about so far was the Shiratorizawa team, not the Karasuno team or even any of the teams at the training camp.

Eventually, the segment ended and Tsukishima stood up in sync with Kageyama, who didn't want to hear about nor did he care about the other news stories. The only word he heard was "Queens" before he was out of earshot from that annoying TV. Kageyama was glad that Tsukishima had gone with him, he was ever so slightly scared that one day he would stand up and the blonde boy would stare at him and then turn away.

The next day, they had their final sets and a barbeque similar to the one only spoke year previous. It was a great end to the training camp, and when they said goodbye to their friends and rivals the Karasuno team seemed to have evolved again. It was a crazy kind of knowledge to have, and the Karasuno team was practically buzzing with it. They were new, they were brave, and they were ultimately free.

The rest of the summer was fairly uneventful. Kageyama pretended he didn't notice anything about Oikawa and Hinata, and Hinata looked like he was completely fine. The ravenette saw no more tears in his eyes, he heard no more distressed words, and the dark energy didn't make a reappearance. The amount of days till summer was over were dwindling down to practically nothing.

The day of the first day of second term, September 20th, Kageyama received some distressing news.

Something awful had happened to Bokuto Koutarou only a little bit earlier that very day.

It was also Bokuto's birthday.

He was now 19 years old

And he was dead.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was edited by your mom.
> 
> Just kidding it was totally SilverDragon00.

Kageyama was watching TV with Tsukishima, and nothing good was on any of the channels. It was commercials and annoying kid shows and, ugh, the news. Kageyama hated watching the news, they mostly only talked about the bad things going on in the world, or the things that would cause the most uproar in society. So maybe some story wasn't going to be as shocking, and even if it deserved being on the news more it would probably not get the cut. So yes, Kageyama didn't especially enjoy watching the news channels on TV.

To make matters worse, the news were practically non stop talking about the crime rise in his area of Japan. It was all due to this gang that had come back called Kings or Queens or Douchebags or something like that. He was absolutely sick of hearing about all this, he wished that the news would provide more stories other than crime and weather for once in their lifespan.

Then again, he really just wished that the news would stop talking about the death of Bokuto Koutarou.

He sighed whilst standing up and turning off his TV. He hated thinking about it. How could some one like Bokuto, someone who was so full of life and so crazily in touch with his existence die so easily? Was everyone like that? You'd think Bokuto at least would be a strong flame, but it seemed like the wild haired man was the same size candle flame as everyone else. Small enough to be snuffed out on a mere whim.

The funeral was on September 28th, which had been just two days ago for Kageyama. Hundreds of people had attended, which was hardly surprising. After all, Bokuto was the kind of person to touch the world everywhere. Even if he had just been in someone's life for a week, it would be nearly impossible to not consider him someone important in your life. So when he was so sharply ripped from the world the way he was, well . . .

It tended to leave a hole in a lot of people's hearts.

Hinata had looked absolutely terrible at the funeral. While Kageyama hadn't exactly been close to Bokuto, he had simply known him a bit, Hinata and Bokuto were like kindred spirits. If Hinata was to spontaneously combust it would have close to the same heart ripping feeling that happened when the wild eyed man from the owl team died. The short redhead had been friends with the former ace, and him dying was like a white flag being put in a shredder.

Then again, that's how most people looked at the funeral. Kageyama knew that he had simply looked solemn and in mourning while at the funeral, but most everyone was red eyed and bleary faced. Everyone there had just lost something incredibly important to them, and they were being forced to let that something go only a few days after they lost it. It was heart wrenching to say the least.

The person who perhaps looked the most like a wreck was none other than Akaashi Keiji. Him and Bokuto had been dating for a long time, and they were getting really serious about each other. Then, out of a cruel gamble by fate or some other goddess of luxury and bad news, the person that Akaashi would have given his life for was taken away from him in one of the worst ways possible.

The coffin was not open, as Bokuto's body was too mangled to be alright for people to see. It was somewhat a common knowledge that a gang called Queens had killed Bokuto, and it was quite clear that they had taken their time beforehand to absolutely ruin the once tall and proud male. While the people who had prepared Bokuto's body to be buried had done their job and cleaned him and all. . . No matter what it was not a pretty sight.

One of the worst parts of the funeral, however, was that Bokuto's parents never actually came. They had tried so hard to make it, but Kageyama had been outside when it happened. Bokuto's parent’s had pulled up in a small grey car, and they had both walked out. After only a few shaky steps the mother started crying, and she absolutely refused to see her son in a coffin. Hinata was there too, and he looked like he was struggling not to cry as well.

The parents drove away a few seconds later, leaving Akaashi as the person that everyone was looking to. The thing that may have been the worst was that Akaashi was wearing something that he hadn't been at the training camp only a little bit earlier in the summer. The brunette's ring finger was adorned with a simple yet beautiful band of gold that was decorated with three small stones, two black and one white in the middle of them.

It was obviously an engagement ring. And it was well known that there was only one person that Akaashi would accept their proposal.

After a little while, the utter sorrow in Akaashi's  eyes faded as he looked upon the many people gathered to mourn. Kageyama could see the change taking place in the brunette male's eyes, and he saw Akaashi Keiji turn from being completely defeated to practically boiling with anger. Suddenly, Kageyama felt a new fear towards the boy he had always considered to be more or less harmless.

The other person at the funeral that looked like a mix between enraged and overwhelmingly sorrowful was none other than Kuroo Tetsurou. The black haired man was crying in the scariest way that Kageyama had ever seen. His eyes were alight with a fiery passion and ringed with a desperate sort of red, and somehow the ravenette setter knew that Bokuto's death was something that Kuroo would never fully be able to completely get over.

Kenma was at the funeral too, he wasn't crying as well but he was simply mournful and quiet. Hinata went over to the ombre man, and just fucking collapsed crying in his friend's arms. Kenma patted his back, and Kageyama heard Kuroo tell Hinata not to worry, that he would personally rip apart the bastards that had killed his wild haired friend. Somehow, those words that were saturated with wishes of revenge and intense sorrow only served to make the orange haired spiker cry harder.

Kageyama felt an intense urge to go and comfort the crying orange haired boy, but he unfortunately all too well knew two things. One, he was aware that he wasn't exactly welcome to be in that exposed and  soft part of Hinata's life any longer, not for a while.  Two, he knew that despite Hinata's small frame and helpless sort of atmosphere, Kageyama had experienced first-hand just how intense and deadly seeming the short spiker could be.

Words were said about the wild eyed man. Words of kindness, containing thoughts of extinguished valor and a soul that shined so bright that it was now living with the stars. Words that held sorrow so deeply dug that trying to reach in and take it out would be stepping in a grave. Words of power, words of endless bravery, and words that contained such vast amounts of tender love that listening to them felt like stepping in on a private moment.

And the hours in which the funeral took place were too heavy to pass by quickly. People met eyes, stories about the crazy haired man were exchanged like it was the only thing that the people had left of Bokuto that even mattered anymore. And all of the unspoken sentences and unasked questions that were floating around in the air like confetti made most everyone's heads swirl around. Raw emotion and bared nerves were practically the main decoration being displayed there.

If Kageyama was to be honest, he was more than relieved whenever the funeral was over and he could go home. Not because he didn't want to pay his respects to Bokuto (which he did), but the entire atmosphere of the place was so overwhelmingly sorrowful that it was choking him. So when Kageyama was just trying to forget about his sorrows for just a moment with his boyfriend a few days later, it was extremely irritating to be constantly reminded of Bokuto's sad and untimely death.

After turning the TV off, Kageyama moved and leaned his head on Tsukishima's shoulder, which tensed a tiny bit underneath it. The ravenette felt it, and sighed. First all this tension, then Bokuto's death. Was his boyfriend still going to stick with this stupid little rift that had started raising between them out of sheer stubbornness? No. Kageyama refused to let him. After all that had happened, how could they take all the chances and time together for granted? How could they spend their time full of tension when Akaashi Keiji might do desperate things for just one second more of time with his long gone beloved?

"Kei," the shorter teen murmured, "I think we need to talk." The shoulder that had only just relaxed underneath Kageyama's head tensed up once more at the soft yet borderline threatening words. A second later, however, the ravenette could tell that his boyfriend had thought about it for a moment and had agreed with him, as the shoulder relaxed in a somewhat reluctant way

Tsukishima sighed. "Alright, Tobio. Let's talk." After a few seconds of silence, Kageyama scrunched up his nose in reluctance to actually start. While he knew that there was a problem with Tsukishima and his relationship, he had sort of hoped that the tall blonde blocker would take charge of the conversation once the shorter ravenette teen had just mentioned it to him, had only just brought it up.

The ravenette pulled his head off his boyfriend's shoulder to look Tsukishima in the eyes while talking to him. He didn't want to be the one to really start it, but he supposed that the tall blonde blocker wasn't exactly giving him an easy choice in that matter or direction. "Okay, so if I'm going to just get to the point, then . . . " the darker haired teen took a slightly deep breath before continuing on with his sentence, "we need to do something about what's going on with us." Tsukishima's eyes looked a little bit pained in response.

Kageyama struggled to find more words, and after a second his boyfriend started talking. "I . . . I've felt it too, Tobio. All this . . . Unease between us. Truthfully I hate it, and I just don't know how to fix it. Every single place we turn I just see something that makes me say something that makes you mad or vice versa. Walking next to you had become something of a . . . Something of a tightrope walk."

The darker haired boy nodded. "Still, I feel like we can't just . . . Give up. Y'know?" Tsukishima made an agreement noise, and Kageyama continued on again. "Especially . . . Especially after all that just happened with Bokuto and Akaashi. I feel like we owe it to them, almost, to try and make our relationship work. Otherwise, it's like throwing our opportunities in their faces." The lighter haired boy thoughtfully bit his lip a little. "So can we . . . Make up?" Kageyama asked.

At those words Tsukishima laughed a little bit. "King, you do realize we haven't even fought or anything, right?" Kageyama ducked his head in slight embarrassment, and his hands found his boyfriend's, and he intertwined their fingers. The ravenette teen relished in being close to Tsukishima like that, in the way their warmth was shared and their problems faced side by side.

"I know, I just . . . Can we?" The blonde teen smiled a little bit at his boyfriend's antics, and squeezed their intertwined fingers.

"Sure. We can 'make up', Tobio." After a moment if silence, Tsukishima said, "It's just-" then the blonde boy shook his head, as if shaking stupid thoughts away from his brain. "Nothing. It's just nothing. It's never just anything with you anyway." Kageyama felt his brow furrow in slight confusion at those words, but before he could ask about them Tsukishima was detaching their hands and giving the ravenette a quick chaste kiss on the mouth. "I have to go now, but I'm glad we talked about this. I love you, Tobio."

"Love you," Kageyama said back, and then Tsukishima was gone. That left the darker haired teen to ponder over what Tsukishima had just said. He was happy that they had mutually come to the conclusion that what they had was worth fighting for, and that they would try. Still, their conversation was a bit short, and the lighter haired boy didn't seem to want to have it very much.

Also, his words had struck a strange chord within the shorter ravenette teen. 'It's never just anything with you anyway.' What was that supposed to mean? And after a few seconds of contemplating it, Kageyama realized why the words sounded so familiar to him. Hinata had something rather similar while they were at that practice camp, something about life never being just anything. Somehow the two boys in Kageyama's life, while different in almost every way, had managed to overlap.

The day after that was another school day, one more day to get up reluctantly and turn off the alarm. Just one more day of teachers already talking about the exams the would be taking at the end of the school year, just another day of the same old shit. When Kageyama arrived at volleyball practice he couldn't help but let the feeling carry over into what was usually his favorite part of the day.

They seemed to always do the same thing, didn't they? It was strange how almost everything was walking the line between becoming boring or being annoying for Kageyama that day. He was honestly sick of being in such a foul mood, and it was confusing. Weren't things supposed to get better after a while? If that was true, then why did Kageyama feel so invested in Hinata? If that was true, how come someone like Bokuto Koutarou had died so painfully?

Tsukishima got Kageyama's attention somewhere around halfway through practice. "Are you alright, Tobio?" The golden eyed teen asked. "Today you seem really . . . Drifty or something." The ravenette waved him off with a promise that he was simply tired, the shorter teen had accidentally stayed up really late the night before. Kageyama spun up a little white lie that he was fine so easily that he stopped to wonder for a second when lying had become so suddenly easy for him, almost like a second nature.

The rest of practice the ravenette teen spent trying to pretend he was paying better attention. His boyfriend had been right, he was feeling drifty. Still, despite his best efforts to concentrate and rid himself of the underlying and strange to him resentful feelings, he seemed to just catch himself staring off into space and zoning out every two seconds or so. If he was being honest, it was annoying. He didn't want to feel that way.

Something that helped and simultaneously hurt him was whenever he overheard Tanaka and Noya say something about that gang, Queens, to each other. On one hand, it snapped him right out of his hazy atmosphere that day, but on the other the word 'Queens' sparked so much emotion and thought inside of him that he almost dropped the ball that he had just caught a second earlier. He also saw Hinata stiffen a bit at the word 'Queens.'

Kageyama assumed it was because the gang had killed one of his friends and caused the boy so much emotional distress.

The rest of practice went by either good or bad, it was debatable. If you counted Kageyama suddenly being on high alert for anything and having been brutally snapped out of his lazy bubble of unknown emotion good, then the rest of practice was good. But if you counted the prickle on his arms when he so much as looked at Hinata, or the sharp feeling in his gut. . . Well, like already said, it was debatable.

After practice was over, Kageyama couldn't stop looking at Hinata. It wasn't in the sexual sort of way where you can't stop looking at someone, it wasn't even just the kind of looking because of attraction. It was because of something in the corner of Hinata's eye that Kageyama had accidentally seen out of his periphery vision when the word 'Queens' was spoken, and the ravenette felt like he needed to see it again to understand it.

The ravenette tried his hardest to keep his gaze off of Hinata while the boy changed into his clothes in the locker room, but there was a second when Hinata moved especially fast whilst changing that caught the taller teen's eye. He saw, once again out of his periphery vision, a small black blob, about the size of a small coin, decorating the area on Hinata's lower left hip. Immediately Kageyama wanted to ask about it, but he bit his tongue (in a figurative way).

Even someone with as little tact as Kageyama knew that it had been extremely rude to have seen it in the first place. While he knew that he was still going to ask the short redheaded spiker about it some other time, the time and place for that was most definitely not inside that locker room. Especially not with Tsukishima changing only a few feet away from the both of them.

It was hard for Kageyama to get sleep that night. The ravenette had many things plaguing his mind, and every time he started to let himself go into a slumber he would suddenly remember one of the several things that were stressing him out. One of them being the black blob he had seen on Hinata's hip. Was it just a ugly looking bruise from falling off the orange haired spiker's bike? That was probably it. Hinata moved fast simply because he didn't want anyone noticing his mistake and that he had fallen off of his bike.

Still, Kageyama couldn't help but feel that, no matter how logical that explanation was, he was bullshitting himself.

The next day at school it was hard to concentrate on anything for a completely different reason than it had been just the day previous. Somewhere in the back of Kageyama's mind he knew that he really should have been paying more attention, hadn't Tsukishima slaved over tutoring Kageyama so that the ravenette could be doing better in his schooling? It wasn't exactly fair to pay the blonde back by not paying attention anymore. Still, the setter couldn't help it.

The reason that Kageyama was having trouble concentrating on school that day was not because he was feeling drifty, no, it was because of Hinata. It seemed Kageyama's habit of pretending had switched itself around. He was no longer pretending to himself, but he was pretending to everyone else. If he had given it more thought on why he was suddenly so good at lying, he would realize it was because he had so much practice lying to himself. And now, he was so hyper aware of pretending that when he noticed others doing it a lot, well, he couldn't stop himself from staring at them, from trying to find out what they were hiding. And the one person that Kageyama was certain was hiding something was none other than Hinata Shoyou.

He noticed  Hinata's hair (which the shorter boy had let grow out a little bit, at this point it was a little longer than it had been before he cut it), and how the breeze from the open window ruffled the soft orange strands and locks. He noticed how Hinata would stiffen up if anyone mentioned that gang, and he noticed how the shorter boy kept noticing that Kageyama was practically staring at him.

At one point, Hinata glanced over across the room to notice that the ravenette setter's gaze was already resting on him. The short redheaded spiker was a little bit alarmed, and his eyes grew a bit wider in response. Kageyama felt a little bit like he had been caught red-handed. Then, not being able to help it, the ravenette felt his eyes drift for only a moment to Hinata's lower left hip, an area currently hidden by clothes. The shorter teen noticed, and his expression went from being slightly shocked to cold, hard, and deadly in only a second. The redhead spiker deliberately turned to face himself away from the ravenette.

The younger of the two couldn't help but feel like he should have simply left all of it alone, but he also couldn't help but feel like he had to know what was going on before he went insane from thinking about all of it. He had a vague feeling that he was only a few steps away from understanding the strange new occurrences and appearances in his life, he just needed to find the few missing puzzle pieces.

During practice, he knew he had to do something. He couldn't follow Hinata home and ask the lighter haired boy what was going on, even Kageyama knew that was creepy. He also couldn't just ask the shorter teen what the black blob on his lower left hip was in front of everyone. After they had finished practice and Hinata was walking towards the door, the taller ravenette setter realized a way he could address the blob without letting others know what had happened.

"Hinata!" The ravenette called out, detaching his hand from his boyfriend's and running up to stand next to the shorter teen. He really hoped that Tsukishima didn't get the wrong message from what he was about to do. The orange haired teen had stopped in his tracks, only a few meters away from walking out the gym door. Hinata looked like he was an animal about to bolt though, and he avoided looking Kageyama in the eye.

"Yes, Ka . . . Tobio?" Hinata's voice sounded uncertain, and he realized that he really didn't know where he stood with Hinata on the subject of first names. Maybe he should ask when he asked about the little black blob and kill two birds with one stone? He shook the thoughts out of his head, he needed to concentrate on the matter at hand, which was not their first names.

"Well, um," the taller teen hesitated. It was a lot harder to ask Hinata in front of everyone than he had thought it would be a few moments earlier. "I just -uh. I wanted to ask if I can talk to you in private about something." At the words ' in private ' both Tsukishima's eyes and Hinata's eyes widened, and the shorter teen looked like he was a little bit scared to say yes. "It'll be really short, I promise," Kageyama added, hoping that would make the older boy accept sooner. The anticipation of Hinata's answer was causing pins and needles on his skin.

The shorter redheaded boy closed his eyes very tightly for a moment and inhaled like he was calming himself down. When he opened his eyes, Hinata grabbed Kageyama's hand and started pulling him to the back of the gym, saying only one word, "Fine." Kageyama could feel his boyfriend's eyes narrow at the sight of Hinata holding the ravenette's hand, even if it was just for a few seconds.

"Now," Hinata started talking once he and Kageyama were standing right next to the wall of the gym furthest from the others who were leaving a bit slower now, his eyes were still not meeting the taller teen's and his voice was a little bit harsh, "what was so important that you had to ask to talk in private right in front of your boyfriend?" The ravenette scratched the back of his head sheepishly. Yeah, maybe he should've waited for a better time than the one that he had perhaps too rashly chosen.

"Oh, um," Kageyama was finding that actually addressing the blob, like asking to talk to Hinata in private, was a lot harder to do in real life than in theory. "Actually, I just wanted to ask you about, well, um -"

Hinata's expression turned annoyed, and he spoke somewhat harshly, "Just fucking spit it out, Tobio, I don't have time for this." At those words Kageyama felt himself turn a bit defensive.

"Why? Do you have to go have another meet up with Oikawa?" The ravenette asked in a voice that made the older boy want to slap him right across the face.

"As a matter of fact, yes," Hinata replied, a smug and slightly cruel look adorning his face. "What? Do you have a problem with that?" The words coupled with the redhead's infuriating tone of voice made Kageyama snap and no longer feel hesitation about the black blob.

"Fine, I'll keep it short then! I saw something black and small on your hip the other day, that's what I wanted to ask about!" As soon as the words left Kageyama's mouth he knew that he shouldn't have spoken them, or if he had to he should have at least used a bit more tact.

The redhead boy went from looking slightly enraged to shocked. Then, as quickly as the shock appeared, malice and dark, cold energy replaced it. Sharp steel filled Hinata's eyes, and the shorter teen swallowed once before starting to speak. His voice was no longer irritated, it was the same tone Hinata had used when telling Kageyama to keep what he had heard to himself. In all honesty, it scared the absolute shit out of the taller ravenette boy.

The shorter boy took one step towards the taller, making Kageyama's skin crawl. "Alright, Tobio. Since you seem to enjoy playing with fire, I think it's time to teach you something that could really fucking help you. So listen the fuck up." Hinata took a somewhat deep breath before continuing on. "There might be times in the future where you witness me doing something or saying something. Follow my advice, Tobio, and remember this if you can't remember anything else : You didn't see or hear anything. Not a single fucking thing. Got it?"

Kageyama felt a little bit like he had a knife pressed up against his throat, that was how incredibly deadly sharp and destructive Hinata's voice was to him. His voice felt thick when he responded to Hinata's somewhat threat with only two words. "Got it." He let out with deep breath when Hinata nodded and walked away from the taller boy in a silence that you could only refer to as splintering.

The taller boy noticed that he could see a head of blonde hair shining underneath the sunlight just outside the gym door and felt an overwhelming wave of relief. At least Tsukishima was still waiting for him, that would distract him from playing attention to the disconcerting words that Hinata had practically hissed out only a few moments before. He started walking to the gym door, making sure that the smaller boy was at least a few meters ahead of him at all times.

To say that the short redheaded spiker had spooked Kageyama a little would be an understatement.

When you're hoping or expecting that something is nothing, even a little something can be fucking huge.

As soon as Kageyama reached the gym door, he heard voices and his heart dropped a little bit. There was Tsukishima, yes, but right next to him was Yamaguchi. And when he said right next to Tsukishima, he really did mean right next to his blonde boyfriend. They were sitting next to each other on the steps, and their thighs were pressed next to each other while their arms were just barely brushing.

When the ravenette setter walked out and Tsukishima saw him, the blonde's eyes flashed with something akin to deviousness. He moved his face obscenely close to Yamaguchi's and asked, "Hey, Yamaguchi. Do you have more freckles than you used to?" The blue eyed boy visibly saw the brunette teen's breath catch in his throat at how close his little crush was to him. Kageyama felt jealousy curling itself inside of his chest.

"Ah, well, um," the freckled boy laughed a little bit nervously, stuttering and stumbling over his words. Kageyama stepped past the boy and put a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. The tension was thick in the air, but the black haired teen ignored it. The brunette, just now noticing Kageyama, let out the tiniest of squeaks and starting blushing a brilliant, bright crimson colour. The darker haired boy had the strangest urge to slap the blush right off of Yamaguchi's face.

"Kei." The voice that Kageyama used to say his boyfriend's name and get his attention was unconsciously one that he based off of the one Hinata had threatened him with at the training camp. It cut through the air like a fast hand through frail foam, and it felt as if it might just snap the brittle tension that had crawled between them in a way similar to quicksand. What would happen if it snapped, Kageyama thought to himself.

"Yes?" The blonde didn't move that much farther away from Yamaguchi, but he did move his face to be looking up at the standing form of Kageyama.

"Weren't you coming over to mine today?" Kageyama said, making sure to keep his voice very even despite how much he was gritting his teeth. Yamaguchi's eyes turned wide as he looked at the boy who was still sitting quote close to him. Tsukishima smirked ever so slightly at his boyfriend.

"Oh, right, I was. Let's go, I want to have some time with you in private too." The words and what they implied were not lost on either Kageyama nor Yamaguchi. Tsukishima stood up, suddenly taller than his blue eyed boyfriend again, and grasped the darker haired boy's hand. "See you later, Yamaguchi." The freckled boy looked devastated, but Kageyama ignored it in favor of practically breaking his boyfriend's wrist with how hard he was holding his hand.

And Tsukishima held his back just as tight.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING : This chapter has sexual content. If you want to skip it, skip the beginning to the words 'But the entire time it had the feel like Tsukishima hated him.'
> 
> This chapter was edited by the one, the only, the motherfucking best of all : SilverDragon00.

Rough hands grabbed at Kageyama's hips, pulling him closer in the dark room. "Fuck, Tobio," Tsukishima muttered under his breath, the blonde's jaw still clenched a little bit. Kageyama cut him off with a kiss, forceful and bruising and rude, like a slap to the face. Kageyama knew his lips and hips were going to be bruised the next day, but he couldn't find it inside himself to care.

Tsukishima was on top of Kageyama in the darker haired boy's room, he was wearing nothing but a smug look on his face, and Kageyama was matching him except for the aforementioned smug expression. The blonde boy had dragged Kageyama to the darker haired boy’s room as soon as they had entered Kageyama's apartment door. It was a good thing that Kageyama's mom was seemingly not at home that night, as Tsukishima didn't especially care if anyone knew what they were doing.

"K-Kei-" Kageyama's voice was already strained sounding, he had practically been screaming at Tsukishima's ministrations. Tsukishima let out a shaky laugh at the state Kageyama was already in, his glasses almost falling off his face due to how slick with sweat every bit of his skin was.

"Well would you look at you, Tobio. So hot and bothered. So needy." The words sounded cruel, and the blonde boy's eyes glinted despite the lack of light in the room. It was well known to the lighter haired boy at that point that sometimes dirty talk affected Kageyama more than anything. "You're practically begging for my cock without even asking, you filthy little _slut_."

At the last word Tsukishima simultaneously tweaked Kageyama's right nipple in an almost painful way while giving the darker haired boy's dick a small tug. Not enough to give any actual satisfaction, but just enough to string Kageyama along. The boy underneath Tsukishima gave a desperate little mewl, and he arched his back whilst dragging his nails down Tsukishima's back in painful lines.

"P-please!" Kageyama exclaimed, his skin hot and flushed and his mind too lust-addled to think straight. Tsukishima chuckled darkly in a response, and he brought his hand up from Kageyama's hard dick to the dark haired boy's mouth. Kageyama's already wide blue eyes got even impossibly wider at the sight of Tsukishima's long, nimble fingers in front of his kiss swollen lips.

Something almost dangerous curled itself in Tsukishima's tone when he ordered, "Suck. Coat my fingers nice and good, or this will hurt," while his words might have implied that he didn't want to hurt his blue eyed boyfriend, they both knew that with the mood they were in that pain could easily be confused as pleasure and neither of them would know better. Kageyama took three fingers in his mouth, sliding his saliva all over them thoroughly.

Tsukishima pinned his boyfriend's hands up on the bed so that he couldn't wipe away the rivulets of Kageyama's saliva that were streaming out of his mouth due to the fingers keeping his mouth partly open. The blonde boy tugged hard on Kageyama's hair, and the boy moaned around Tsukishima's fingers. The blonde let out another cruel sounding laugh. "You're such a cock whore, I bet you wish these fingers were my dick, don't you?" Kageyama let out another mewl in response

"Hmm, I think that's good," Tsukishima muttered about his fingers, pulling them out of Kageyama's mouth. There was a string of spit connecting his fingers and Kageyama's mouth, which Tsukishima smirked at. Shattered sounds made their way past Kageyama's lips, and his blonde boyfriend bit his lip at them. The taller boy moved one of his fingers near his boyfriend's tight pink pucker and Kageyama struggled with his hands still pinned up by Tsukishima.

Tsukishima teased the edge of Kageyama's hole with his index finger for a moment before surprising Kageyama by deftly slipping two fingers into him instead of just one. "Kei!" Kageyama shouted, his back arching off the bed once more. Tsukishima's smirk deepened, and he thrust his fingers into Kageyama's hole relentlessly. "K-Kei-" it seemed Kageyama was struggling to say anything other than his boyfriend's name.

"What is it, Tobio?" The taller blonde boy asked in a misleading sticky sweet voice. Tsukishima moved his lips to rest right next to Kageyama's earlobe, and he deftly bit it once before continuing to talk to his boyfriend. "I think you'll have to tell me what you want, unless that's what you're doing by just saying my name. Then if that's the case," Kageyama could feel his boyfriend smirk against the ravenette's skin, "you'll have to be more specific."

The blonde casually slipped his third finger in with the other two. While he might normally take his time in stretching his boyfriend out, while he usually would savor each individual little mewl and whimper that left the ravenette teen's mouth, this night was not like others. This wasn't a time for making love or something like that, this was primal need and anger being let out in a blurry and sloppy display of desire. He stopped using his hand not inside Kageyama to pin the boy up and started simply teasing the area around the blue eyed boy's ridiculously hard dick.

Suddenly, Tsukishima's head was slapped back away from Kageyama's skin. The shorter teen was glaring at his boyfriend from underneath his disheveled fringe, his hand burning from slapping his boyfriend. The glare held more than just arousal, it held month's worth of tension and mutual frustration. Some might say that their way of releasing the tension was unhealthy, but they didn't especially care.

"Just fuck me already, you dipshit."

Tsukishima snarled at the words, and bit on Kageyama's right nipple a little bit, swirling his tongue on the hardened nub and mixing pain and pleasure for the ravenette till Kageyama couldn't tell which one was which any longer. The darker haired male let out a little broken sound, and Tsukishima sounded downright deadly when he murmured against Kageyama's skin, "Well, if his majesty requests, and since he asked so _kindly_ . . . "

The blonde pulled away his fingers after deliberately pressing against the darker haired boy's prostate for only a second. Kageyama's back arched off the bed again, and he screamed a hoarse thing. "Fucking hell, Kei, fuck me please, you shitty excuse for a - mmph!" His words were cut off by Tsukishima slapping the skin of the side of Kageyama's ass hard. He pulled out the lube he had in Kageyama's bedside drawer and started slicking up his dick, all while talking to his boyfriend in a throaty whisper.

"Now, your highness. Even though I do love when you're vocal little whore for me, I don't think I gave you permission to talk just now, did I?" The golden eyed boy's voice was edging on cruel as he lined his throbbing dick up with the boy underneath him’s wet and stretched hole. He slapped the skin that was turning red again, and repeated himself, " _Did I_ , Tobio?" His voice was somewhat dangerous.

Kageyama glared at Tsukishima again but muttered under his breath, "No." Somewhat satisfied with the answer, the golden eyed boy smirked and slowly started entering his boyfriend. He did it in a torturingly slow pace, causing the ravenette underneath him to squirm and curl his toes in anticipation for his boyfriend to finally start for real. Kageyama made a little desperate sound, and Tsukishima peered at him. "Oh? What was that? Does the little slut want to be fucked?"

The ravenette glared up at his boyfriend, but he couldn't keep the expression when suddenly Tsukishima thrust in hard, all the way to the hilt. He screamed, his hands finding their way to his back again and dragging down long streaks of scratches on the golden boy's back. "Fu~ fuck," the darker haired boy muttered, his jaw clenched ever so slightly. The blonde boy smirked in an insufferable manner at the boy underneath, feigning indifference at the sudden heat surrounding him.

Then, the golden eyed teen started a hard, fast pace. "Tobio, I think you should promise me something, as I'm already being so nice and giving you the cock that you've been begging for," his words are similar to breaking silver, and the ravenette shivered at then despite the heat of the moment.

"Yes! Okay fucking hell fine!" The blonde gave him another infuriating smirk, and he let his voice adopt a lazy sort of drawl.

"Now, you need to promise me not to have any more little 'private talks' with our redhead friend, alright Tobio?" Even though there was a smirk still stretched across Tsukishima's face, the tension was brittle in the air and Kageyama knew that asking Hinata to talk for a moment in private in front of his boyfriend had been a very bad idea. God, he was such an idiot sometimes. "So, are you?" Tsukishima asked after a bit of silence from his boyfriend.

Even though Kageyama knew it was a bad idea, he was feeling rebellious and it wasn't inside him to just submit easily to someone, no matter how hard and brutal their dick was slamming into him. "I fucking might," he hissed out, his nails dragging new paths down Tsukishima's back with every thrust of the blonde boy. At the ravenette setter's words, Tsukishima's face contorted into something cold.

Kageyama didn't expect it, but one second he was staring up at Tsukishima with cold eyes and the next he felt a stinging pain on his right cheek as his head was flung a bit to the side. Tsukishima had . . . Slapped him? "You fucking bitch," the blonde boy gritted his teeth. "Such a little shameful slut. I'm gonna ask you again, and you're gonna answer right this time, Like a fucking good little whore." The ravenette clenched his jaw, and the blonde gave almost painful thrusts into him with every word in his next sentence.

"Are-you-going-to-have-any-more-private-talks-with-Hinata?" The tall blonde male's voice was starting to sound strained, and his eyes were boring into Kageyama with the strength of an earthquake. The hard thrusts were starting to be too much for Kageyama, and each one brought another new onslaught of the darker haired boy's nails done the taller teen's muscled back. While he would probably complain a little about it later, pain and pleasure were too close now to readily discern one from the other anymore.

"Fu-" the ravenette bit his lip, trying hard not to give in. Somewhere in the back of his head he knew that he should agree with Tsukishima so as not to make his boyfriend more jealous and insecure about their relationship, but in the front of his mind were images of the blonde teen leaning close to Yamaguchi, there were images of thighs touching and the freckled boy blushing and that coupled with his reluctance to submit was making him want to fight against his boyfriend's dominance and request (it really was more like an order than a simple request though).

"Fuck . . . You," Kageyama choked out, smirking a little bit. This time, Tsukishima slapped the skin on the side of his ass again, and again, and again . . . The ravenette practically choked, and struggled for purchase on the blonde's back. "Fucking hell!" He cried out, the sharp pain combining with the actual action and hurting him but simultaneously being so fucking hot, it was making it hard to think he was feeling so overstimulated.

"That was the wrong answer, whore." The words are cold and almost hateful, and the raven haired boy almost wished they could stop because it felt like the exact opposite of loving and nice, it feels like blades and broken promises instead of anything remotely close to a stable and working relationship. It was giving him little flashbacks to the end of his relationship with Hinata, and he decided that it was making him miserable and malicious so why wasn't he stopping?

The whole endeavor ended a little while later, both of them getting their release and with Tsukishima falling asleep with Kageyama in his arms. The raven haired boy, however, couldn't sleep. He had bruises on his neck and his ass, and he felt honestly like he had just been run over by a truck. It had been hot, yeah, crazy hot. Arousing and alluring and mouth watering and mind numbing and all, but . . .

But the entire time it had the feel like Tsukishima hated him.

And that made it torture for Kageyama.

After a little while of failing to fall asleep in Tsukishima's arms, the darker haired boy wriggled out of them (being careful so as to not wake his sleeping boyfriend) and got out of his bed. After checking his watch he saw that it was around 7:50 P.M. He went to his kitchen and sighed, starting water in a kettle to have tea and getting out a mug and a teabag. While his mom liked to be fancy and mix up herbs and come up with quirky little tea flavors and everything, Kageyama was somewhat lazy in that he just bought tea bags of tea he liked.

He saw a note on his kitchen counter left by his mom. She wasn't going to be back until the next morning, but she trusted him to be safe and she already missed him.

While his water was heating up, the dark haired setter let his mind wander and meander where it liked. What had just transpired about thirty minutes previously or so, it really had reminded him of the end of his relationship with Hinata. After seeing the orange haired boy kiss strangers and insist it was nothing, Kageyama would practically pound him into the mattress. He hadn't liked hatesex then and didn't like it now, he wasn't in relationships for hate or lust. He was in relationships because he loved someone, or had potential to.

Kageyama sighed. When had all of it gone off the deep end? Was it really just the fault of his that he had that private conversation with Hinata? No, it went deeper than that.  He knew that, they both did. After all, they had 'made up' only just a day or two ago. And why had they needed to? Because they had both felt the tension and negative feelings between them. They had both felt the way that it was harder to be around one another and it was breaking Kageyama.

 _"You're so, so young. Too young and too sad and just way to young to be this brokenhearted,"_ he had heard his Mother whisper to him once. It was right after he had broken up with Hinata and had fallen asleep on his bed so that he wouldn't have to think about it. When he had woken up, his hair was being stroked lightly and his mom was singing to him and talking to him in a whisper, just like she used to do when he was a baby.

And here he was, in a place in his life that was supposed to be far better and far healthier for him, feeling just as miserable and wondering how it had crept up on him like it did.

When he looked out the window, something about the October sky made him wonder if he even had any control anymore.

At some point, Kageyama went to the bathroom and took a shower. He scrubbed at the places where he remembered fingers and heat touching him, he practically burned his skin with the heat of the water. He tried to forget the angry look that had stayed somewhere in Tsukishima's eyes the entire time, he tried to imagine a world where tension between them was gone and he could just live his life without feeling like it was a house of cards falling down around him no matter how hard he tried to keep it up.

When Kageyama left his bathroom with only a towel wrapped around around his waist and water still dripping from his hair, something about the atmosphere felt different in the apartment. It had been a long shower, when he got out it was 9:05 P.M. He went to his bedroom door and saw that Tsukishima wasn't there, and when he hesitantly called out his boyfriend's name to see if he was just in another room Kageyama got no response. That most likely meant that the tall blonde boy had just left while the ravenette boy had been in the shower.

"Oh," was the only soft sound that left the blue eyed teen's mouth. He wanted to just sleep, to ignore the wrenching and confusing feelings in his chest. That's what he usually did. Then he looked at his bed, the place where Tsukishima had just fucked him like he hated him, and sighed. He couldn't sleep and recover there. Kageyama grabbed an extra blanket that was folded on the couch and curled up underneath it, feeling as hollow inside as the empty apartment that felt like his ghosts were surrounding him.

The days of October were like a lonely wind on a grassy and devoid of trees hill. Kageyama felt as if he blinked once and then suddenly he wasn't trying to fall asleep on his couch, he was going to school almost a week later and something felt weird but honestly he was too blank to really take notice of most anything. He seemed to be in a prolonged confused state, and he felt numb. What was his problem? He couldn't concentrate on anything.

Where was he? What was he doing? Why? What was he going to do after that? How was he here? What was the point of any of it?

On some level he was sure he knew, but everything was out of focus and slipping out of his vision at every turn and at every intersection he was stuck with the realisation that he had no idea whatsoever what he was even doing. He was in a state of being confused for so long, like being eternally drowsy and everything slides and goes in a blink and you feel on the cusp of getting something, but you never quite get it.

It got to the point that Yamaguchi (who had somehow gotten more confident after that day where Tsukishima had messed with his head a little bit), came up to him. "Kageyama?" He had asked, his eyes wide and concerned. "Um, you've been seeing really distracted during volleyball and . . .  pretty much everything else lately. I know we aren't exactly close, but if you need to talk about anything you should know that I'll be here."

Suddenly, it came into focus. Where was he? He was in his school hallway. What was he doing? He was going to his next class, of course. Why? So that he could learn and get good grades and advance in life. What was he going to do after that? Well, it was his last class, so after that he'd go to volleyball practice. How was he here? He had walked that morning to school. What was the point of any of it? Well, that one was debatable. He figured that since many people who were all grown up still didn't know that answer, it was okay for him to be clueless for a little while longer.

He noticed that Tsukishima was about to go to his last class (an advanced class that Kageyama wasn't in but Yamaguchi was), and had paused right outside the door to hear a bit of what was happening between the two boys. The ravenette looked right at Tsukishima as he responded to Yamaguchi in a cold voice. "Noted, but," he gave Yamaguchi a mock once-over and then pulled a slightly doubtful and disgusted face. "I don't think so."

Then he walked away. He knew he was being stupid, and that Yamaguchi didn't deserve his rudeness (who was saying that anyone did deserve his rudeness), but he also felt the strangest sense of satisfaction at being an asshole to Tsukishima's childhood friend while the blonde was standing close enough to hear every word. Though he felt that he might pay for it later, he somehow didn't really care that much.

Still. Yamaguchi didn't deserve that. He might make things better with Yamaguchi later.

Or he might not.

Who knew?

That day at volleyball practice, Tsukishima was cold. That wasn't really a surprise to the ravenette setter, he knew exactly what he had done to make his boyfriend a bit pissed at him. Still, he couldn't help the underlying feeling of freedom that he got whenever he thought of the virtual "fuck you" he had given Tsukishima. He felt like he did better at that practice than he had been doing for weeks.

As the practice was finishing, he executed a practically perfect freak quick with Hinata. All of his worries about the red haired boy slipped away, melting like ice near a flame, and he could feel a slight flush on his cheeks and an easing feeling in the muscles of his back as he high fived the shorter teenager and actually felt himself calming down. The miserable feeling, the confusion, it was all being thrown out.

Perhaps Kageyama owed Yamaguchi a thank you after all.

Or maybe an apology.

Or both.

When he was walking over to Yamaguchi, he noticed that Tsukishima's was talking to Hinata about something. _Oh_ , Kageyama thought to himself, _so he can have little private talks with Hinata but I can't? What a fucking hypocrite._ "Erm, Yamaguchi," Kageyama somewhat hesitantly greeted the freckle faced teenager. Instead of wilting away, he smiled at Kageyama.

"Hello Kageyama! Did you think about what I said? I really am open to talk if you need it." The ravenette stared blankly agape at Yamaguchi for a moment. Why . . . Why was this fucking kid so kind? A little bit shy, a little bit boastful of Tsukishima, but really Yamaguchi was just incredibly, crazily, overwhelmingly and almost frustratingly kind. His mind was blank with how to respond. Was Yamaguchi not offended in the slightest of how rude he had been?

"Yeah, um, Well. . . " Kageyama trailed off. He really sucked at things like that, didn't he? The ravenette scratched the back of his head a little bit anxiously, not really knowing what he should do or what even he should have said to the waiting Yamaguchi. He was saved (debatable) by Hinata, who walked away from Tsukishima with the tiniest bit of sass in his step, and came up to Kageyama with a look that made the ravenette remember Thursdays spent with the stars and Hinata and no worries, back when they were still shining gold.

"Tobio! Can you set to me just one more time?!" His voice was a little bit demanding, and his hair was brighter than ever, and his eyes held promises that they hadn't held for a long time. Kageyama just wanted to accept, he wanted to feel the brush of the ball sent from his hands to the hand of Hinata's that he could trust to be there for him. Hinata was one of the first Kageyama could trust on the team, that and so many other things and memories were brought back fresh in the ravenette's mind.

Then he felt the warmth of a hand touching his hip. He could feel Tsukishima's hand grasping his, and they started walking. "I don't think so," the tall blonde said, "I already scheduled tutoring with him." With those words, Kageyama remembered the bad things, he remembered why their relationship failed, and he remembered the thing that Hinata had in the back of his eyes now instead. It was there, even under the newly returned stars and promises : a lie.

No matter how many times Hinata might laugh, it was there.

No matter how many times he would be there to spike the ball as reliably as ever, the lie would be there too.

And Kageyama hated lies.

"Sorry, Shoyou," the ravenette called back to Hinata, not stopping walking out the gym. "Maybe you can have Oikawa set to you." He couldn't help but feel a pang of pity at the sight of Hinata looking smaller than ever, alone and holding the ball like he was confused that Kageyama had actually refused him. And when he said Oikawa's name, the wave of hurt that crossed over the redhead's face was unmistakable. It was gone faster than it came.

The next two weeks of October passed by just as fast as the hurt look on Hinata's face. They say that time is the best medicine, really, and you might be able to say that was true in this case. The orangey haired spiker didn't act like he was wounded emotionally in the next week, he didn't even flinch if someone mentioned Queens any longer. Kageyama tried not to notice him just for Tsukishima's sake, but if he was being honest he didn't try very hard.

He had become more calculating. Though he usually was on the volleyball court, that usually didn't pass over into his studies or everyday life get much. Some people thought it did simply because many times Kageyama failed at being very expressive with what he was feeling (other than anger. He had a pretty solid standing on expressing anger or most of the variations of it). When he tried to be more expressive he was usually mistaken as being rude and/or sarcastic.

But now he really was more calculating. Not with everything, still, but with people. He noticed the way other people tensed up a little bit at certain words, he became better at reading other people's emotions and sometimes he could tell just from their behaviour, body language, and a few other factors, what they planning on doing before they had even done it. If he wanted to he could blame Hinata for bringing that sore out of him, but he suspected it was just a common thing that happens to most people: he was just growing up. Simple as that.

He felt like he was waiting for something. Like a puzzle piece was about to appear and then suddenly the picture would be clear and he would understand what was going on with the whole Hinata/Oikawa/Everything Else mess.

Then, a puzzle piece came.

It was in the middle of practice, and Kageyama was going over to get his water bottle. He had been pushing himself rather hard during that practice, and Ennoshita approached the ravenette and managed to convince him to stand out of practice for just a few minutes. Kageyama felt like Ennoshita had learnt how to be practically a mom from Suga, as the older boy sometimes acted liked the ravenette's own mother and it was a little bit scary.

He was by the door, wishing he could just be back in practice, he was fine for God's sake, when the puzzle piece appeared. He heard voices approaching the gym, and he was able to easily distinguish one as the annoying brunette setter, Oikawa Tooru. The other one though . . . It was very familiar, he just couldn't place where he had heard it before. Only when it was identified for him did he realize.

"Iwa-chan, _please_ , go. I'll come to the apartment later, I just have a meeting with little Sho-chan first, okay?" His voice sounded strained, and Kageyama was immediately more okay with being out of practice for a little while. He knew that the conversation sounded incredibly private and none of his business already, but that didn't mean shit to him as he tried to open his ears or something to hear it even clearer.

"Seriously, shittykawa, I don't even know what to believe anymore. You're always being so mysterious lately, and it's driving me crazy. You never let our relationship be seen outside of closed doors. Fuck, you never even let me near you outside of closed doors! Am I some kind of dirty little secret? What the fuck?!" This news was . . . Daunting. Our relationship? But . . . If Oikawa was in a relationship, then why was he fucking Hinata? Was he cheating on Iwaizumi? Was he even dating Iwaizumi in the first place?

"Please. Just - go. I promise I'll explain it all to you later, but now is really not the time.  _Especially_ here. Just give me a few hours and I'll come home and we can talk. Is that fine?" Unlike how he was usually, Oikawa sounded utterly panicked and distressed. Kageyama couldn't help but remember the day that the older brunette setter had run into the cafe that they had been meeting up with Suga and Daichi in. He had been uncharacteristically upset then too, and rushed and a little bit scary and afraid.

"It'll have to do, I guess. But let me just do this here, alright?" Kageyama wandered what 'do this' was, so he quickly peeked out the gym door. What he saw almost made him make a sound of surprise. There was Oikawa and Iwaizumi, all wrapped up in each other. Their eyes were closed and their lips were locked, and Kageyama thought that maybe he saw some tear tracks on the older brunette male's face. It made him do a double take, and then he quickly pulled his head back into the gym.

Only one thing was certain to Kageyama in that moment.

Oikawa could not know that he had seen that.

A few moments later he heard footsteps fading away and a few sniffles. Kageyama went to a different wall of the gym, so that when Oikawa would come through the brunette wouldn't know that he had been on the other side of the wall and had heard most if not all of that private conversation. He felt like he might get a worse punishment than he might usually have gotten for eavesdropping on someone, because this was eavesdropping on none other than Oikawa Tooru.

A minute or so later when Oikawa walked into the gym, Kageyama wasn't surprised. He wouldn't have been anyway, as the older male had totally given up on seeming to mind that he almost constantly interrupting the Karasuno practices, so he saw a lot of the tall brunette setter (unfortunately). He let himself be just as irritated as he would be anyway, but it was a bit harder after watching Oikawa cry while kissing someone like his heart was breaking.

Because Kageyama knew exactly how it felt to kiss someone when it felt like you were about to lose them. He had been victim to the feeling far more times than just one, with both Hinata and Tsukishima. He knew what Oikawa was feeling (more or less) so it was harder to hate that smile now that he knew it was fake and tortured, it was harder to hate Oikawa when he could feel the empathy creeping up on him and settling into his skin.

He watched Oikawa pull Hinata out of practice, and instead of just being annoyed as usual, Kageyama thought. If Oikawa was dating Iwaizumi, then why was the taller boy fucking Hinata? Hell, he had heard Oikawa say "come home" and "the apartment," meaning that he probably lived with Iwaizumi. If he was so far in a relationship with that darker haired ex Ace, then why was he still messing around with Karasuno's little decoy? Was he really just cheating behind Iwaizumi's back? When he thought of the way he had seen them kiss, the ravenette setter found that hard to believe.

It didn't make sense.

October was fleeing fast, and Kageyama wondered why it seemed that everything was speeding up lately. Like he was on a train that was getting closer to its destination so it was going faster. Like a runner who sprints the last few meters of their race when they see the finish line. Like he was picking up speed and information and memories along the way, but he had no idea what he was to do with any of those things.

When the last day of October dawned, the ravenette felt a strange sinking feeling in his stomach. He thought to that February day when Hinata and him had kissed in the middle of a cafe, and he thought of that day only a few months later when a tall blonde boy made the mistake in wanting to be the one to pick up Kageyama's pieces and repair him from his seemingly permanent broken state.

He remembered Thursdays. Oh god, those Thursdays with Hinata may have been the best days of his life. The city coming alive under their fingertips, the world embracing them through the night air . . . And, of course, his ever smiling companion. He thought of days spent under the illusion that they were perfect, that they were an unbreakable force to be reckoned with. How was he supposed to know that the way they'd be broken was from the inside?

Kageyama thought of blonde hair and sarcastic personas. He thought of a golden eyed boy who, despite the thoughts suggesting otherwise, could care and smile and live in a way that seemed so strong to the ravenette setter. He remembered nights of saying I love you, and days of walking hand in hand through life. He had, once again, thought them to be larger than life. Was he supposed to know that discord can sneak into perfection easier than pieces can be picked up?

He remembered both of the big relationships and their starts and good times. He didn't know why he was thinking about them the way that he was, but he could feel himself comparing them somewhat. Which was better? Which of the boys loved him more? Which of the boys did he love more? He tried to shake the thoughts away. They were different people and different relationships. It was like trying to decide if oxygen or water was better, you couldn't really draw a conclusion. Not really. Even though they're similar.

When the last day of October ended, Kageyama still hadn't made any progress.

When November started, the ravenette was wondering what had happened. Had October really just flit by, then disappeared behind him as if it was only a few hours long? Had he really just lost another month to the great monster of time, never to have it or hold it again? It was another month of tension between him and Tsukishima, and another month of confusion regarding a certain redheaded decoy.

The days of the first week of November were sharper than October. Kageyama could notice little things changing throughout the time. Ennoshita talked to both Yamaguchi and Kageyama about who would be the captain of the team the next year. Strangely enough, pretty much everyone agreed that they'd be the best at it. Kageyama was puzzled by that, he wasn't a people person. It took Yamaguchi explaining that he really had grown up past the boy he was in their first year to realize he was changed.

It wasn't him who had dated Hinata, it was a long faded Kageyama. It wasn't him who got together with Tsukishima, it was a version of himself that had walked off away from the future. Who was he now? Who?

He wondered if it was a problem that he didn't really know.

November was nice, at least the first few days were. Kageyama had become aware of a lot, and he had gotten on better terms with Yamaguchi. He knew that it was never very mature of him to hold the freckled boy's crush against him in the first place, the heart wants what it wants after all. Though he couldn't completely let it go, he was able to be civil with Yamaguchi whilst talking about who would be captain of the team. It was ultimately Ennoshita's choice, but he wanted them to talk about it too.

They decided together on a few things. One, that the freckled boy, with how much he had grown past the shy and not confident boy he was in his first year, would be a better captain of the volleyball team. They decided that Kageyama would do well as the vice captain, he had grown up a long way past who he was as well. They also decided to stop the subtle resentful feelings they had towards each other because of Tsukishima.

Long story short, they got drunk together one night and emerged that morning as new people and better friends.

Nearing the middle of the second week of November, Kageyama was feeling better. Even though he wasn't exactly sure where he stood with Tsukishima (the blonde had scarcely touched him since the night that he fucked him like he hated him), and he had no idea what was going on with Hinata, but he felt like somehow he was moving forward in life. Moving on and . . . and growing up.

But then, around 10:07 P.M. Kageyama got a call. Now, he hardly ever really called while on his phone, he was more of a texting person, but he figured he wasn't doing anything so he might as well answer it. He looked at the caller ID and saw that it was none other than Hinata Shoyou. He sighed, did he really want to do this? He shook his head. Of course he did. Who knew, Hinata could be in trouble and need help or something.

"Hello?" Kageyama answered the call with just a little bit of hesitancy lacing his voice. He heard a hiccup on the other end then Hinata was responding.

"To-bi-o!" His voice was loud and made Kageyama wince at the volume which was right next to his ear. He cursed, moving the phone away from his ear for a moment. He quickly deduced that the orange haired boy was drunk, which made him face palm. Who had given the recovering alcoholic a drink?!

"Fuck, Hinata, calm down!" His voice was a little bit angry, but it was partly Hinata's fault for yelling right into the phone and hurting the darker haired boy's ear.

 _"Calm down._ That's all that Tooru ever, _hic_ , says to me. 'It's just one person, calm down. It's just an initiation ceremony, calm down. It's just a job, calm down!' I'm sick of it! I'm not going to calm down, you can try calming down instead!" Hinata was ranting at the blue eyed boy, and Kageyama was wondering what the redhead was even talking about. It was very confusing. "It isn't ever  _just_ anything! Not just Bokuto and . . . and not fucking just Natsu!"

"What are talking about, dumbass?" Kageyama demanded. Hinata made a noise on the other end, and the ravenette realized a second later that it was a choked sob. "Are . . . Are you alright? Are you crying?" He added in a softer voice, wondering what the hell was going on with his borderline crazy sounding ex.

"No! Fuck you! I'm- I -" another sob crawled out of Hinata's mouth, and Kageyama heard the older boy breathing heavily. "I've ruined everything. " Those three words were practically whispered, but the darker haired teen heard them loud and clear. "I've . . .I've messed up my whole life, Tobio. I really am a dumbass I guess." He heard a sniffling noise, and he was about to ask what the older meant when he heard something.

Footsteps. Then another voice, cold, saying, "Sho-chan? Who are you talking to?" After a second in which Hinata mumbled something incomprehensible, he heard the voice right in his ear. "Who is this? Where are you?" Kageyama quickly hung up. If Oikawa hadn't been able to tell immediately did that mean that Hinata had called him from a payphone or something?

Was . . . was Oikawa going to come after the ravenette? Why was it so bad for Hinata to call him? What really had the redheaded spiker meant when he had claimed to have ruined things, to have messed up his life? Why had he been crying? Why had he been drunk? Really, he just wanted to know what was going on with Hinata already.

He had gotten his wish, even if it had taken a while. He had gotten twice his wish, actually. Two puzzle pieces

But he was more confused than ever.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter was edited with the skill of the gods by none other than our own resident friendly neighborhood SilverDragon00.

Private talks with Hinata almost always led to bad things. While at first they had led to crushes and gooey feelings and somehow a relationship, they had gone from there to heartbreak and silence and noise all in the wrong places. Then, private talks with Hinata had led to hateful sex and wishing to reverse so many things, and it led to discontentment and far too many negative feelings and outcomes. So it was true that private talks with Hinata hardly meant something good. Someone with half a brain in their head might avoid them, but, well, um . . .

Kageyama was really just acting like he didn't have a brain at all.

He had learned from the last time, though. This time he didn't ask Hinata if he could talk to the redheaded spiker in private in front of his easily jealous blonde boyfriend, he just didn't ask Hinata at all. The raven haired boy literally just decided one day in the middle of the fourth week of November that he was done pretending again, he was going to go straight to that little redhead's house and ask for answers.

He was walking home, so he simply chose the path that led to Hinata's house instead of his own. It was a  somewhat a long walk, but he didn't mind and kept thinking so the time actually passed by a bit quicker than it would have. When he was approaching Hinata's house, he noticed that something about it seemed . . . _Off_. Duller or dimmer or something along those lines, it just looked like a shadow of it's former self.

When the ravenette setter knocked on the door, it was a good thirty seconds before Hinata opened the door. As soon as he saw who it was that was standing on his doorstep, he said five words and almost closed the door right in the darker haired teen's face. "You shouldn't be here, Tobio." Before he could close it, though, Kageyama stuck his foot between the door and the wall, stopping it from closing.

"I know. But I need to talk to you." His words were hard and serious, and after a moment the redhead spiker sighed and let Kageyama enter, looking defeated in more ways than just one.

"Fine. At least it's not in front of your boyfriend this time." The words didn't fail to hit their mark, and Kageyama grimaced at them, memories flooding into his head. Memories chock full of angry looks and rough hands touching him like he was an object and burning eyes that felt like they were looking into his heart and didn't care how much love they saw in it, they were going to destroy it anyway.

He shook his head to get rid of the stray thoughts and walked into the Hinata house. He realised after a few moments why it seemed off, at least one of the reasons why. It was quiet. Eerily so. Like someone had taken a candle that represented the Hinata household noise, and they had snuffed it out without even a second thought. It felt so strange to Kageyama. Like a house after it's all sold and empty, except this one just looked . . . Sad. Almost abandoned.

Walking in the ravenette practically felt the misery creeping from the walls. He could sense the utter sorrow cleaving into his thoughts and his heart. "Why is it so . . .  Quiet in here? Your house is never quiet. Like, ever." The redhead shrugged, and walked past Kageyama to the direction of the redheaded teen's room. He looked . . . Tired. Alone and tired and way, way too young to be dealing with whatever his burdens were.

"Things change. People change. Get over it."

At those words, the redhead was down a hallway and in his room. The blue eyed teen followed him, and asked, "Where's your family? Your mom? Your dad? Natsu?" He entered the redhead's room and saw Hinata wince when Kageyama said Natsu's name. Once again, the ravenette was struck with how incredibly tired the shorter teen appeared to be. Hinata shrugged again.

"My mom and dad have been separated for a few months. My dad is visiting . . .  My aunt, and my mom is probably off being a stuck up bitch somewhere. We don't really keep up with what she does anymore. And Natsu . . . " he trailed off and bit his lip. He seemed to be in pain, the deep emotional kind that gets hidden far too long and then everything becomes too blurry to see straight anymore. "Natsu is at a friend's house," he said in a small whisper.

Kageyama blinked. "Your mom and dad . . . Separated? Why?" He realized a second later that maybe it was a bit rude for him to have asked that. Hinata shed his shirt and lay back on his bed, staring at the blank ceiling in an almost wistful way. Maybe he was jealous of the white blankness, maybe he found himself wishing that all his problems and sorrows would melt away and he could be just as blank as that stupid ceiling was.

The redhead didn't seem to care. "I don't really know. One week they're fine and the next it's loud and then it's quiet and she's moving out and calling home less and less. She doesn't even know about Na- about the fact that you and me broke up. I think she thinks we're still going strong, fucking around like we used to, or just fucking in general probably. Like she moved out before we'd even been together two weeks."

"Oh." Kageyama commented. Hinata rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, oh." The shirtless redhead sat up from his previous position on his bed. Kageyama had sat down at the desk. "Now, didn't you have something to talk about? I don't have all day you know. And Mr. Possessive Boyfriend probably wants you at his place soon so that he can put his grubby hands all over you and pretend your relationship is any better than ours was."

The words hit their mark, and Kageyama got a little angry. "Hey! That's my boyfriend you're talking about, shut the fuck up! Our relationship was way worse than mine and Kei's is, he doesn't cheat on me after all." It was kind of a low blow, but the blue eyed boy was somewhere past the point of caring. A dark look crossed over the shorter teen's face, and his eyes narrowed on Kageyama.

"He might as well, with the way he looks at Yamaguchi when you aren't there or aren't looking. " Hinata laughed a dark, bitter huff. "Actually he even does it when you're looking now. Better watch out, or your boyfriend might start acting on all the times he jacks off to Yamaguchi." Kageyama's jaw clenched. The only thing that stopped him from punching Hinata in the face was the fact that he still needed to talk to him.

He took a deep, angry inhale. "Why . . . why are you saying all this, Shoyou?" He asked. He didn't really want to know, but he wanted to get off of the topic of his relationship with Tsukishima.

"If you were me, you would understand why I don't exactly feel like being nice." His words were like small arrows, and it felt like the redhead had somehow built up defenses. Every single one of those new smiles was a wall, every little laugh he changed or mannerisms he got rid of was a spear aimed at anyone willing to try and best him. "Strangely enough, you're the one person on the team I don't have to pretend as much with." In the most sarcastic voice Kageyama had ever heard Hinata use, the redhead said, "Isn't that just grand?"

The ravenette was about to comment on that, but Hinata waved him off. "Never mind that. Ask your little questions, can't say I'll answer them but I'd like this to be done as soon as possible. I have an appointment today with - " the blue eyed teen cut him off.

"With Oikawa?"

Contrary to his thoughts that maybe that would provoke the redhead who was resting like a gangster on the bed, the ginger spiker only gave him a slightly sinister smirk. "Yeah. With Tooru."

That made the ravenette want to ask about the kiss he had seen, but he restrained himself. "Ok, well here's the first thing. You can't just pretend that the phone call the other day didn't happen." Kageyama had been expecting even just a tiny reaction to grace the redhead's face, but somehow Hinata had adopted a perfect poker face and must shrugged as a response to the taller teen's words.

"What phone call?" The ginger spiker gave Kageyama an innocent face, and if he hadn't received and heard the call himself he might actually doubt that it had even happened in the first place.

"Hey! You were talking about serious stuff, you can't just pretend to forget it!" At those words the lighter haired boy smirked a little bit, and flopped on his back on the bed again.

"Wanna bet?"

Ignoring the last two words, Kageyama continued, "And how were you drunk? You're supposed to be recovered-"

"Debatable."

"-and how did Oikawa not know who it was me you were calling? Did you not tell him? Were you using a payphone or something?"

"Or something."

"And why aren't you answering any of this seriously?" At those last words Hinata's eyes narrowed. He pointedly ignored all of what Kageyama said, and sighed.

"I'm getting bored with this. Move on to your next little thing you wanted to talk about. Unless that's it, then you know where the door is." The ravenette grit his teeth. It was really frustrating the blue eyed male that his ex boyfriend was being so difficult. Why couldn't Hinata understand that he was looking out for him (more or less)?

"Fine. The next thing I wanted to ask was about Oikawa, actually." Hinata raised an eyebrow at that. "The other day when I was out of practice for awhile I heard him talking to someone outside the gym before he came back. It was Iwaizumi. I also saw him kiss Iwaizumi, and I want to know what you're doing fucking him if he already has a boyfr-" Hinata's eyes had turned dark and cold and he grabbed Kageyama's collar quick as lightning.

The look was back.  The deadly sharp one. Hinata looked like, in that moment, him killing someone in cold blood wouldn't be a stretch on reality in the slightest little bit. His words were even when he spoke, but their undertone spoke of fiery rage. "Tobio, apparently you haven't learned your lesson. There are things that are better left unheard, but left unseen. And you . . . " he shook his head, looking tortured.

"You keep pushing your nose in. Hearing the things better left unheard. Seeing the things better left unseen. And I can only . . . You're pushing your safety. It's only because of how stupid you are that you even have this illusion of it in the first place. And me, but that's irrelevant." Kageyama blinked. What was Hinata even talking about? He opened his mouth to speak but the redhead cut him off with a glare. "No. Listen to me."

"You did not hear anything while you were out of practice. You did not see anything, you were even a little surprised when Tooru walked into the gym. Meaning, because you didn't see or hear anything and there wasn't anything to see or hear, you won't talk about it. Nothing happened, get it? And you're going to forget about it, because if you don't a whole world of hurt will reign down on you."

"Shoyou, what the fuck-"

"No. Promise me, Tobio. Swear it." Something in the back of Hinata's eyes didn't look so dangerous. It looked like sorrow and regret and a little bit of heartbreak, but not sharp and deadly steel. It held the tiniest bit of . . . Was that fear? Maybe that made it the most dangerous. Kageyama didn't really know. He didn't know very much those days, it seemed. It was like each day brought about negative knowledge, and he was almost all out of it.

"No! Just fucking tell me what's going on, you're being so confusing and I want answers!" _Smack_. Kageyama's head swung to the side, the force of the shorter boy's slap causing a sting on his cheek, and he winced. " _Mother fucker,_ what was that for?!" The lighter haired teen crossed his arms over his chest, and when he spoke his voice hinted at tightly reined and hardly controlled danger.

"You're so arrogant, Tobio. You think that you can just, what, walk into my house?! Question me about my parents, about my sister, about my life?! It's like you're fucking interrogating me! You have no right to do this, and you are crossing far too many lines! You make things hard enough, if you keep going like this I won't be able to prote- to talk to you anymore because I can't stand it! Get out, I don't want to see your fucking face anymore!"

"I promise I'll walk out of here, just give me a fucking clue God damn it! One motherfucking hint at what is so awful about your life!" Kageyama shouted back. The redhead looked like he was going to shout something back, but he bit his lip. A look like he was thinking passed over his face, and after a moment the shorter boy sighed, all of his anger slipping down and out of him. He turned to face the ravenette with a glint in his eyes and only said one word.

"Hearts."

"What does that mean-"

"Now get out."

"But-"

"Get. Out."

So Kageyama left. He clenched his jaw and his fist, and he never wanted to punch his ex boyfriend more than he did in that moment, but he left. Simply walked out Hinata's bedroom door, through the desolate and abandoned hallways of the house that held too many secrets, and right out the door. He walked all the way to his apartment, he walked past his mom and flopped onto his bed (He wanted to sleep, the fight had made him exhausted emotionally and he wanted to stop thinking for even a few seconds).

He didn't look back even once.

November ended quietly. Despite the words Kageyama wished to throw Hinata's way, and despite the way he kept flinching whenever Tsukishima touched him, nothing more happened. The ravenette even had a date with the blonde, and it ended with a chaste kiss and a goodbye and the setter wondered when exactly it had felt so foreign to feel the blonde's lips against his own. When had it crumbled? When?

Maybe it had been a steady thing, like water shaping a cliff. Slow and hardly noticeable and suddenly Kageyama was feeling output by something that should have been even something of a comfort to him. He kept falling asleep right after studying, he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to keep replaying Hinata's angry words in his ears, he didn't want to think about the way the redhead had voiced Kageyama's own insecurities about Tsukishima and Yamaguchi and the whole thing.

He wanted an escape.

So the ravenette started pouring even more time into volleyball. Before it had been ridiculous. Now it was downright idiotic. Still, when he was sharpening his skills and setting and tossing and receiving and learning and growing he was not thinking about Tsukishima. When he was practicing he couldn't hear the echo of Hinata's slightly crazed words in his ears and his already hazed mind.

It was better when he was practicing by himself anyway. During practices with the whole team he could feel the tension in the air choking him, and it was getting harder and harder to breath every single time he tossed one more ball with them. By himself, he could breathe. And he realized that he had always underestimated the importance of that before it had been ever so subtly taken away from him.

Sometimes Noya or Tanaka or Yamaguchi would join him. The first years steered clear of him, still thinking he was scary. The teammates would remind Kageyama at seemingly every opportunity that he needed to make sure he wasn't pushing himself too hard, sports injuries weren't uncommon after all. The ravenette heard them in some corner of his head, but he had just discovered an old way to breathe, one he had somewhat forgotten. He wasn't letting it go again.

On the first day of December Kageyama didn't get up. His mother walked into his room and asked if he was sick, and he pretended he was. Though they both knew he wasn't, she let him stay home without a word about it. To say that Kageyama's mother was a little bit worried about her son would be an understatement. She had watched him practically fall apart, and she was beside herself with the knowledge that she didn't hold the key at putting him back together.

In that respect, she was utterly hopeless.

She hated it.

When Kageyama was alone that day at his apartment, he spent most of it staring at the ceiling. He remembered when he had argued with Hinata, the way the redhead had stared up at the ceiling. He found himself relating. He wanted to be blank, he wanted to not be all muddled up and confused. He had been in that kind of state for a long time by then and was sick of it.

The next day he didn't pretend to be sick. He got up and went to school and trudged through classes and hallways like he had one hundred pound weights attached to his feet. He tried not to look bored, but all he could think about was white. Blank white, pure and untouched and a completely fresh start. But then again, white can also be used as a surrender flag, to signal and ending. No, he was thinking too much. Blank. Untouched. Clear. That was better.

At one point Tsukishima tried to talk to him and he stopped after a second. Kageyama's gaze was hazed over, and his mouth was trembling for some reason. "Are - are you okay, Tobio?" The taller blonde boy asked his boyfriend. The ravenette sighed a tiny little bit and nodded, trying to smile a little in reassurance. The three words that left his mouth did nothing to make Tsukishima more confident of his well-being.

"Just tired, y'know."

Nevertheless, the blonde teen nodded. He wondered if maybe the blank look in Kageyama's eyes had something to do with his absence from school the other day. The ravenette, on the other hand, was getting actually tired from just trying to communicate, so he walked on past his tall boyfriend to his last class of the day, leaving Tsukishima staring after him like he had let the ravenette slip through his fingers.

That day at volleyball practice, Kageyama was snapped out of his mini haze by (not Yamaguchi) none other than their manager, Yachi. She had called him out of practice to talk, and Ennoshita had looked a little bit irritated but had let it pass. As he had approached her, the ravenette setter somehow got a creeping feeling from his fingertips to his toes that something was very, very wrong. Like the air was just for some reason . . . off.

"Hello Kageyama," she greeted him with a smile, but it felt cold. Insincere and a little bit spiky like a plethora of unseen icicles. He nodded, not responding verbally. Her smile turned a few degrees more chilly, and she took a step forward. "Now, I wouldn't do this if I absolutely did not have to, but Hinata and I share the desire to keep you safe. Believe me, this is for your own good."

His head cocked to the side, and he started to question what she could possibly mean by that. "Wha-" she cut him off with a voice that must have been colder than the entire arctic.

"You need to stay away from Hinata. I'm sorry, but you can't be the same kind of friends you guys were before you two broke up. Y'know? It's bad for him. It's gets ideas in his head, like you want to get back together with him again. It, excuse my language, fucks with his head." Her voice had a sweet undertone to it, but it still sounded deathly cold. For some reason he felt like Yachi was talking about something via subtext, and he felt stupid for not being able to understand what she was trying to communicate.

"Yachi, I'm sorry but I don't know what you're - "

"Kageyama. Listen to me, okay?" He blinked. She looked tense. He hadn't been paying much attention to his friend as of late, but she looked more stressed than she had been in a long time. He was reminded of the sloop of Hinata's shoulders that suggested overwork and way too many burdens for such a young person. Why had he taken so long to notice that two of the people in his life looked way too grown up? They were just kids. Being forced to grow up too fast could have bad effects on someone, Kageyama knew that first-hand.

He sighed for a second, wishing he had payed more attention to help Yachi while he could have, and nodded again. "Yeah, I'm listening to you, Yachi ." Her ice cold face melted a tiny, miniscule little bit, and they both understood one thing at that moment: somehow their lives, which had once been so full of potential and life and love, had taken a dive off of the deep end and just might drown.

She looked like she was a about to say something, but then her expression hardened again as she saw something. Kageyama turned around and felt annoyance creep over his skin. Oikawa had just entered their gym, as arrogant as ever, and sweetly but firmly demanded that he needed Hinata. It wasn't even halfway through practice. "Just - " she sounded irritated. "Just stay away from Hinata, okay? For both of your sakes."

Before he could respond, she had pushed past to go and speak with Oikawa. Kageyama couldn't help but feel a tiny bit threatened. Why had she turned so cold? She was supposed to be bright, and cheery, and a little bit anxious but charming nonetheless. Yet now . . . she seemed a little bit sharp, like Oikawa and Hinata. As he watched her argue a little bit with Oikawa, he felt like he didn't even know her anymore.

In the end, Hinata ended it all by saying he was going with Oikawa, that was that. After a mention of his aunt and sad eyes sent Ennoshita's way, the captain melted and agreed that it was okay for Hinata to leave practice a little bit early.

Kageyama could hear Tanaka grumbling about how they were going to be out of sync because Hinata wanted to get laid all the time. Nishinoya agreed, and mentioned that it wasn't fair for their kouhai to be getting so much action when he hardly got to see Asahi those days. Ennoshita told them to quiet down, as he had his own reasons for letting Hinata go and they needed to respect that.

Yachi looked pissed. She grumbled something unintelligible and never said anymore about what she had been talking to Kageyama about. The blonde girl watched Hinata leave with something akin to regret in her eyes, and she bit her lip then tried to put on a cheery face for the rest of practice. She acted like she usually did, and the ravenette setter realized why he had never noticed her straining under her burdens. She was a fantastic actress. Why she had ever been labeled as a towns person B confused him, as she was incredibly convincing.

A thought crossed his kind. If . . . if Yachi was this good at acting like everything was okay, like she wasn't pissed . . . What other things could she easily be hiding? What else could she be holding something herself or carrying across her shoulders that she had simply disguised as something harmless? And what did that have to do with her warning / threat about their redheaded spiker? Once again, Kageyama felt like he was missing a puzzle piece or two or ten.

Tsukishima caught Kageyama looking wistfully out the door, and his jaw clenched. The ravenette knew he was walking a thin line with trying to balance his ever crumbling relationship with his tall blonde boyfriend and his always increasing curiosity and drive to figure out what the fuck was going on in Hinata's life. He hadn't meant to seem like he cared more about the redhead, but that's what his boyfriend seemed to be interpreting it as.

The rest of the week passed by just as time always did. Kageyama was no closer to knowing what was going on in Hinata's life, and Tsukishima was no closer to reviving his relationship with his dark haired boyfriend. Noya was no closer to seeing Asahi, and Tanaka was no closer to figuring out if he was straight after all (he had been having some interesting dreams concerning Ennoshita).

During the next week, Kageyama was somehow even more accidentally distant with Tsukishima. The blonde had been distant too, but it was getting to a ridiculous level. On the Friday of the second week of December, the tall blonde teen approached the ravenette and offered to tutor him or something. Because Kageyama had been a little behind in class, he agreed with only the slightest bit of hesitation.

He was working on math  when Tsukishima casually brought up Hinata. Unfortunately for the ravenette setter, he was rather dense when it came to interpreting subtext clues, so he failed to notice the subtle hints that he should say he wasn't really interested in the redhead spiker. He started listing off all of the things that had been bothering him vaguely, saying things like, "he won't talk to me about anything anymore."

"Oh really now," Tsukishima replied dryly. He sighed and set down the pencil was using on Kageyama's bed (that was where they were working on schoolwork). "Why are you even trying anymore then? Aren't you just wasting your time on him? If you accept that he won't open up to you and just back off, it won't be your fault if he ended up being addicted to drugs or something."

The darker haired boy shook his head, still not receiving the subtle hints and still trying to work on the difficult math problem in front of him. The lead of his mechanical pencil snapped. " I can't do that. He's my friend, I've got to look out for him. Him pushing me away probably means he needs me more than ever." At those words the blonde teen clenched his jaw.

"Well maybe," Tsukishima started again, his voice getting a little bit more strained and adopting an undertone of annoyance. "You should take a hint, and know that maybe it's a good thing that he's giving you a chance to get away before you get yourself hurt." At that, Kageyama blinked. He set down his pencil, and looked his boyfriend in the eyes. The ravenette was feeling confused again.

"What do you mean?" His voice copied the strained and annoyed tone that Tsukishima was using, and his head tilted. "Hinata . . . He hurt me before, yeah, but that's part of being friends with someone. Sticking around even when times are tough and all." Kageyama didn't know why he was saying all of that, it felt weird to him. It was merely an excuse, he honestly had no idea why he was so invested in the redhead's life.

"What the actual fuck, Tobio? Can't you understand that if you keep offering yourself up like this you're just going to get used by him? He isn't the same person he was in our first year, and he's not a friend worth sticking around if my experience says anything." The blonde was getting more aggravated, and his voice was getting louder and more condescending and rude sounding.

Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows, and said in a tone similar to Tsukishima's, "What, your experience with Yamaguchi?" What kind of experience, huh? At those words Tsukishima stood up, ready to defend his friend, and the ravenette setter stood up too. Kageyama went on. "And all your talk about Hinata being a bad friend, well I think it's just you being jealous. Just because you think I want him back doesn't make him evil, Kei!"

"Tobio! Can't you see it?!" Tsukishima practically yelled at him. "You're pathetic! Hinata was the one who broke nearly every part of you, yet you still keep running back to him. Breaking up with him? It means nothing! Not if you take the knife that he used to hurt you and continue stabbing yourself with it!" Kageyama heard his boyfriend's words and fumed, his fists and jaw clenching.

"Well-" Kageyama got interrupted by Tsukishima though, before he could even really say anything.

"No! I don't want to hear any bullshit 'he's my friend, I'm looking out for him' excuses. They're fucking stupid and you know it, Tobio. No, you're just fucking mental! I swear, you want to get hurt by him, you want him to break you, shatter you to tiny pieces!" Tsukishima pushed Kageyama so that the ravenette was sitting on his bed and Tsukishima was looking down at him through furious and pained eyes.

"Don't you realize that I'm the one getting cut by picking up your pieces after him, Tobio?!"

The entire atmosphere changed when Kageyama drooped his head.

"Maybe I don't want you to pick up the pieces anymore."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amazing and borderline unearthly SilverDragon00 edited this chapter for me, thank fren.
> 
> There is sexual content in this chapter. If you want to skip it, then when you read the words "It felt Like flying" skip the next bits all the way till the words "He had thought maybe the older boy would want to talk about what they had just done." Stay safe my frens!

"You miss him." It wasn't a question, so Kageyama didn't answer it. He stared at his hands, and didn't meet Tsukishima's eyes. "You . . . You still love him, don't you?" Kageyama tried to find it inside himself to look up into the tall blond's eyes, but the weight of guilt and pain was practically forcing his head down, it was all he could do to just stare at his palms.

The silence that stretched between Tsukishima's unanswered words was prickly and bothered Kageyama. He wanted to stop it, the silence hurt just as much as Tsukishima's words. He tried to speak, but all he seemed to be able to do was open and close his mouth repeatedly, like a fish or something along those lines. Finally, he managed a few words. Well, he managed one word.

"I-" he couldn't finish. There were too many ways that that sentence could end up, and too many of them could hurt Tsukishima. It's a dangerous business, being in love with multiple people, and by this time Kageyama knew this fact far too well and far too late to do even a single thing about it. "I just-" he stopped and sighed, not continuing.

Tsukishima's sharp intake of breath was like a needle pushing into the top of his finger. "You fucking asshole, just tell me the truth! I don't care if it hurts, I'm just tired of pretending that we're okay when we're not." Pretending. Kageyama sighed. He knew a lot about that area of life, and in his opinion far too much. He would be happy if he never had to pretend again, but he knew that was a childish hope. He thought . . . He had thought he was finished pretending a while ago, but it seemed he was wrong.

"I just . . . I need to hear the words out of your mouth, so that I can move on. Please, Kageyama. Just do this for me. Tell me what I already know, because I'm always going to wonder and not really be free if you don't." Tsukishima's voice was strained and Kageyama didn't want to hear it. He didn't want any of this.

_"Things change. People change. Get over it."_

Kageyama found himself able to sympathize with Hinata's voice and words from earlier. _If only_ , Kageyama thought, _I could have one more day to pretend that Tsukishima and I are all right, that my life isn't falling apart at the seams, that I don't want to rip out my vocal chords so that no one can expect me to talk to them with pretty little words anymore. I want to have one more day of pretending we aren't different people, that things haven't changed since when we said I love you. Just . . . One more day, please._

Kageyama squeezed his eyes shut, and clenched his fist while simultaneously biting down on his lip till he tasted blood. The metallic tang felt dull, and he finally raised his pained gaze to meet Tsukishima's eyes. "I love you, Tsukishima," he told the blonde boy quietly, and Tsukishima looked like he was hurting just as much as Kageyama was in that twisted and tortured matching moment.

"But I-" his voice broke off. Kageyama was struggling to form words. "But I have to tell you that I used you. I mean, you used me too, but you were honest about it. And I think you always have thought of yourself as a rebound, even if no one ever said those words to you." The small sound of the words hit their mark clearly and faintly, destroying it all ever so delicately, with the care of ripping out seams from faded cloth that holds sentimental value.

"And I really do love you, Tsukishima. So much that it's actually scary. But I . . ." Kageyama shook his head. He hadn't even admitted this to himself, even though he had known from day one. Even though the entire time he had told himself he was fine without Hinata, he had always known what a lie that was. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to let Hinata go."

There. There it was, the truth all laid out. You can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you stay in love with. And Kageyama, even when his relationship with Hinata turned into hell, even when everything was shit, even when he was in a better situation, would never not choose Hinata.

"It's always been him," Kageyama's voice broke, and it was absolutely torture for Tsukishima to have to hear that. "I don't know if I even can move on from him." A tear slipped out of Kageyama's eye, and he brushed it away angrily, biting his lip again. "I'm sorry, Tsukishima, I really am." The blonde boy's shoulders drooped, and he sat down by Kageyama at his bed.

"I know you are, Tobio. I . . . I still love you too. But I'm not making you choose between me and Hinata, I'm choosing for you. Because I deserve better. And we both know that." Kageyama nodded, his eyes still upset looking. "I don't hate you, Kageyama." Tsukishima whispered, moving to hold the ravenette in his arms. Kageyama's head was on the crook of his neck, the boys clinging to each other like they'd never be able to again. Maybe the wouldn't.

"I don't think I ever will. But-" Tsukishima tilted Kageyama's head so that the black haired setter was facing him, and their faces were only a few centimeters apart. "I am choosing to not try and still love you. I wish I wasn't, but I can't do this with you anymore. I haven't been able to handle it very well for awhile and," Tsukishima chuckled in a humorless way, "I think we've both been able to tell."

Kageyama lightly nodded, and pressed a tiny kiss on the corner of Tsukishima's mouth. "For closure." Tsukishima squeezed his eyes shut, and then opened them. Kageyama pretended he didn't see how glassy they were, he pretended that all he was seeing was the glasses and not the wetness in the blondes eyes. Tsukishima pulled Kageyama close and kissed him for real, and tears mixed with slight blood and lips and everything was just a little bit too bitter and not even close to enough sweet.

It was too passionate. It was too sad, and it was wet and teeth clacked. Kageyama wanted to scream but he just kept kissing Tsukishima. He was weak, he thought, because he couldn't seem to let either of the boys go. It was a selfless thing, really, for Tsukishima to force Kageyama to let go. And they kissed for a while longer, because neither of them wanted to part. Everything was done and said except for this goodbye, and both of them were the kind to loathe saying goodbye.

They pulled away, and shared one last thing, a sad smile.

"Goodbye, Kageyama." Tsukishima left the bedroom, and Kageyama sighed a shuddering sound that made it seem like it came right out of his broken heart.

"Goodbye," he whispered to no one.

It was maybe a few minutes or maybe a few hours before he pulled himself up from his pitiful position on his bed. He went over to his dresser, and winced. It was simply covered in memories. How had Tsukishima forgot to bring that stupid dinosaur plushie with him? Kageyama frowned, because how had the tall blonde boy forgotten his whole drawer at Kageyama's place?

Kageyama pulled all the stuff into a bag, much to his disliking.  All of the clothes in that drawer, all of the little mementos of his times with the blonde boy, even the pictures of Tsukishima and Kageyama. Kageyama wondered if he could just stuff himself in the bag as well, as Tsukishima had touched him the most out of all the painful objects in his room. His  fingers hurt with the memory of holding Tsukishima's own fingers tightly.

He knew there was a word for it. When you break up with someone, but their stuff is still all over and your memories are too sharp. What was it again? Oh, right. Caraphernelia. Well, Kageyama sure as hell knew that feeling well. He started at that fucking plushie, right at the top of the bag. He'd won that plushie for Tsukishima at a carnival, just like a cheesy couple in a movie. Maybe Tsukishima left it on purpose.

Kageyama threw the bag of stuff in his closet, and ran his fingers through his hair. He didn't want to think, his room was too quiet. He needed something, anything, to distract him from the undeniable truth. Even when Tsukishima had been with him, even when he had been breaking up with Kageyama with soft, painful words, at least Kageyama hadn't been alone. But now . . . But now . . . "Fuck " Kageyama whispered, running his fingers through his hair again and pulling against the black locks too hard.

Kageyama tried turning on the TV.  The soap operas -

"But the baby is actually . . . Yours!"

\- the murder mysteries -

"But if the murderer isn't him, then who is it?"

\- the news -

"Once again, there's another Queens incident, the police have been -"

\- the musicals -

"And when I'm with you . . . I'm alive~~~!"

He sighed and turned off the TV. He didn't care about that stupid gang or mob or whatever. "Tch," Kageyama voiced his disdain, then his eyes widened and his fist clenched. Because who did he sound exactly like just a moment before? Kageyama let out a shuddering breath that practically sounded like the auditory version of broken glass.

Being alone with himself to face himself was something Kageyama was definitely not prepared to do. His phone vibrated, and he gladly unlocked his phone, he was willing to talk to even Noya or Tanaka at this point in his silence and his pain. It was Hinata. Without even looking at what Hinata said, he typed out a quick message.

 **Kageyama** : can u come over?

Then he turned off his phone, not even looking to see if Hinata responded. Kageyama paced, and his jaw clenched. "Fuck!" He shouted, repeating himself from earlier. He hated it. He hated it so much. Why had he messaged that to Hinata, wasn't he supposed to be broken up with him? That's right, he had broken up with Hinata. Then, of course, he had to ruin his next relationship because he was still in love with who again? That's right.

Fucking hell, fate was a cruel bitch.

He was prepared to text Hinata to never mind, to stay away, but he didn't. When Hinata knocked on his door Kageyama told himself that he was going to turn the small ginger teen away. He would tell Hinata to leave him alone, he was going to apologize very briefly for wasting Hinata's time. But when he opened his door with the words prepared on his tongue, they died.

Kageyama dragged Hinata into his apartment with a forceful hand, turning them around and closing his door with a kick. "Kageyama!" The ginger boy shouted as he was pushed up against a wall, "What are you- mmph!" His words were cut off by the darker haired boy slamming his lips onto Hinata's with an almost painful force, not even waiting for Hinata to respond before moving his lips against the redhead spiker's.

It was wrong.

It was so, so wrong.

And it felt so right to finally feel Hinata responding to him.

It felt like breathing after almost drowning.

And Hinata was so fucking malleable underneath him, was responding to his actions so enthusiastically, it was all that he had remembered and more and damn him to hell he was going to enjoy it and -

Hinata pushed Kageyama away, alarm flashing in his eyes. "W-wait! Tobio!" The ravenette was heaving in breaths and the redhead was too. After a moment of catching his breath, the spiker stated. "You shouldn't be doing this. We shouldn't be doing this. I mean, you have Tsukishima. You should stop before you do something you regret." You have Tsukishima. Those three words made Kageyama feel like punching something.

But he feigned indifference to the name of his previous tall blonde boyfriend, and shrugged. "I broke up with K . . . With Tsukishima." The redhead in front of the ravenette's eyes widened. Kageyama pushed forward. "So is there still a problem with this or . . . " he was answered by Hinata pushing his lips up against the darker haired boy's, and that was the only confirmation he needed to go on.

It felt like flying.

It felt like pain.

It felt like beauty.

It felt sickening.

And he couldn't stop if he wanted to.

He pulled Hinata into his room, shutting the door and kissing the redhead's neck like he was worshiping it. Hinata kept making little whimpering noises, and he wrapped his legs around Kageyama's waist. The ravenette nipped at the sensitive skin on the redhead's neck a bit more, and he moved up a little bit to tease the shorter boy's earlobe with a tiny and slightly wet and sharp bite.

He deposited the older teen on the bed more or less gently, and crawled up on top of him. The ravenette pulled off his own shirt and Hinata followed suit. Before Kageyama could make another move the redhead had connected their lips again, fire practically running along their nerves and connecting their two lonely hearts, if only for a short time in a small apartment bedroom.

The ravenette let his hands run down Hinata's body, gripping the redhead's ass in his hands as leverage to keep him upright and his lips close. Meanwhile, the shorter teen seasoning his hands to Kageyama's jeans, and touching the semi through the rough material. "Sh- Shoyou, fucking hell," Kageyama breathed out heavily leaning their foreheads against each other. The redhead bit his lip a little cheekily.

"Yes, Tobio?" He asked innocently, whilst unbuttoning the other teen's jeans and slipping his hands inside to touch Kageyama's semi through the fabric of the ravenette's boxer briefs. The blue eyed boy sucked in a shaky inhale, and moved his head back to Hinata's neck, biting and sucking in response to the older boy's movements. The redhead moaned a tiny bit, and separated from Kageyama for a second to lift up his hips and slide off his pants.

The ravenette did the same, and immediately pushed the now hardly clothed Hinata onto the bed a little bit roughly, grinding their hips together and sliding his hand underneath Hinata to once again use a hold on the redhead's ass as leverage. The ginger haired boy was responsive, so vocal, and so fucking submissive for Kageyama, the ravenette kept going further and further without Hinata having a problem in the slightest.

Then, Hinata flipped them over with a cheeky grin. He practically flaunted his body as he slid down the ravenette's till he was eye level with the erection straining against Kageyama's boxer briefs. He slipped a finger in, then out, teasing the darker haired boy. The taller teen groaned, and thrust his hips up a little bit in some desire to relieve the tension. Hinata finally, after more teasing, took mercy on Kageyama a little and mouthed over the fabric, leaving trails of witness that made Kageyama go crazy as the slight warmth and witness was so close yet so far.

Sensing that the ravenette was going to do something soon about his erection if Hinata didn't, the redhead suddenly slid the boxer briefs off of Kageyama, revealing his leaking dick. It practically sprang up and hit him in the face. "Someone's getting excited," the redhead commented. The ravenette glared at the redhead through his fringe, and thrust his hips up minutely again.

"Fuck off."

"I'd rather you fuck me instead, if I'm being honest," Hinata replied, his voice teasing. Kageyama had forgotten how much of a tease the redhead was in bed, and it was all coming back to him as the older boy gave the head of his cock a gentle kiss, a small peck that only served to make the darker haired teen more frustrated than he had been before. The sight of Hinata's small hands trailing up to only just barely not touch him was seriously doing things things to him, and those tiny pink lips puckering up to give him that kiss made him want to hold the redhead down and just fuck his face.

Knowing Hinata, he would most likely enjoy it more than he would giving a blow job.

Finally, Hinata licked a stripe up Kageyama's dick on the underside, he groaned in response, his hips bucking up again. The redhead smirked, and started giving the tip more small kisses and tiny licks until Kageyama was about ready to force his mouth onto his cock, until the ravenette was close to just choking the insufferable redheaded teen on his aching cock. The redhead seemed to sense that, and started finally paying attention to the rest of his dick.

As he progressed, the ravenette started moaning more, and roughly grabbed Hinata's hair to have the redhead take more of his hard cock into the older teen's waiting mouth. He had forgotten just how well the other boy gave head, and was a mess. He bucked into the redhead's mouth, and Hinata gagged for a second before relaxing his throat to take in more of Kageyama.

The redhead's own erection was leaking in his underwear, and a wet spot was forming on the cloth. At the sight of it Kageyama bucked up into the redhead's mouth more, and moved a hand to the inside of Hinata's underwear. The ginger boy actually squeaked, and started moaning around the ravenette's dick as the aforementioned ravenette gave the redhead teen a hand job.

When the ravenette knew he was fast approaching his orgasm he pulled Hinata off of him after thrusting up without too much hesitation. "Close," Kageyama said, and Hinata nodded as he understood. The ginger boy went to the ravenette's bedside table, shimmying his underwear off along the way. When he pulled out the lube, he held it up with a slightly gloating smirk.

"You still keep lube in the same place as always," he mentioned. Then he crawled back on the bed, resting with his head on the pillows and his back on the bed. He started preparing himself, and tossed the lube to Kageyama. The ravenette slicked up his dick while feeling his throat tighten at the sight of Hinata's fingers stretching himself, thrusting into his hole and making obscene squelching noises. The ravenette was struggling to breath evenly, and the redhead bit his lip at the knowledge, feeling a bit haughty.

Once the redhead had prepared himself, he bucked his hips up once, like an invitation. Kageyama had been staring at Hinata's hole like a predator at its prey, and his gaze snapped up to the ginger boy's face when Hinata spoke the words, "I'm all ready for you now, Tobio." The sound of Hinata's voice being partially broken and whispering his name like it was a prayer made the ravenette shudder.

"Are you, though?" Kageyama whispered back, rushing up on top of Hinata with his mouth right next to the smaller teen's ear. His dick was touching the rim of the redhead's wet hole, and he was aching to sink himself into the wet warmth. He restrained himself, though. He had control. At his words and his sudden proximity, the boy underneath Kageyama gasped.

"I- yes. I have been for . . . " the redhead hesitated for a moment, like suddenly he was saying something with more depth. Only because of how close he was did Kageyama hear the words leave Hinata's mouth, " . . . I have been for awhile now." He wondered for only a moment if the ginger boy could mean anything not related to the moment at hand, but the desperation in Hinata's eyes made him dismiss the possibility from his head.

He started moving in, and he exhaled sharply. His breath was coming in sporadic little gasps, it had been a while since he had topped. Kageyama was a switch, and he had usually topped with Hinata - but had never topped with Tsukishima. The blonde was . . . Quite dominant, to say the least. Kageyama shook his head, trying to shake thoughts of the tall teenager out of his head. He was with Hinata in this current moment, and that’s what was important.

Finally he started thrusting in at a decent pace, and the redhead thrust his hips up to meet Kageyama. "Faster, dumbass," he muttered, and the ravenette complied whilst going harder and moving his head to the redhead's chest. He simultaneously went hard and nipped at Hinata's right nipple, and the redhead screamed his name. "Fuck, do that again!" He encouraged the darker haired boy.

Kageyama bit a little harder that next time, smirking at Hinata's moans. He had known from previous times that the redhead, despite his somewhat innocent appearance, was a real sucker for pain. Hair pulling and scratches and bruises were like badges that the ginger haired boy would bit his lip at later. At that thought, Kageyama moved his head to the redhead's neck and made a nice big hickey whilst thrusting harder again.

His mind was blurring the further they went. Kageyama had already been close before he had actually entered Hinata, from all the teasing and the blow job, so he was doing his best not to give out on the redhead. She never he topped Kageyama liked for the other person to finish first, and he'd be dampened if the ginger boy managed to best him in that. He was reminded a little bit of when they used to race each other to the gym.

This was just a different kind of race, in a way.

He was remembering all of the lighter haired boy's buttons and little sensitive spots as they kept going, and he manipulated the smaller teen's body like it was a lump of clay that he was shaping. He might as well have been, as the older boy was so fucking malleable underneath him and so goddamn vocal - it was making it harder to last longer, that was for certain.

He could feel Hinata's nails scratching his back, and with each little burst of pain he grinned. All he could think about was Hinata. The soft hair that he was pulling, the eyes that were squinting shut when he thrust especially hard, the pretty pink lips that the younger boy kept biting, the soft and smooth and blank white skin that he couldn't help but caress and explore and mark like it was his first time with the older teen.

Kageyama went at it harder, faster to the urging of the boy who never seemed to get enough. Shoyou. Shoyou. He was everything in that moment, and nothing was anything without him even considered. He was the horizon and the surrounding air and he was the _sun_ -

And he was coming with a scream of Kageyama's name.

When his face was so perfectly open like that, when he was finishing so beautifully, Kageyama couldn't help but thrust harder and capture the redhead's lips again, nipping at his lips and exploring his mouth like he didn't already have a map hidden in the back of his memories. Only a few seconds later of thrusting into the finished boy Kageyama was finishing, coming inside of Hinata and collapsing next to him after pulling out.

He had thought maybe the older boy would want to talk about what they had just done - and God was Kageyama realizing what an incredibly idiotic thing it was to do - but Hinata had curled up into his chest and he had used a tissue or five to clean up where the redhead had came on his stomach, and he figured that letting it stay unclear for the rest of the night would be fine, sleep was calling with all his emotions and the warmth coming from Hinata who was all beautifully and comfortably situated in his arms.

So Kageyama let himself sleep.

And when he woke up, the redhead teen was gone.

Hinata made no move to contact him about it, so he didn't make any moves either.

On Monday of the next week, the redhead was wearing a scarf in class. Some other kids teased him, asking if he was hiding hickeys, and he told them that he had an ugly rash that was all green and orange and blue but if they wanted to look at it he would let them. They shirked away at that, not interested in seeing the rash that Hinata claimed to have. A few faked laughs, but  with how serious the redhead looked it would be hard to doubt him.

So they had both become much better liars, then. That was a little bit saddening to Kageyama, but he didn't make any move to shine light on the truth for the classmates. Hinata didn't even look at the darker haired setter, he almost acted like the ravenette didn't even exist. It wasn't really surprising to Kageyama, and he didn't really focus on it. He was more distracted by the sight of his ex walking with dropped shoulders through the hallways.

Somehow it had made it into the school gossip that Tsukishima and Kageyama had broken up, because girls weren't hiding it anymore when they would bat their eyelashes at him with (what they probably thought looked seductive) a glint in their eyes. The ravenette honestly felt like a piece of meat they were eyeing up. For some reason he had become more popular with the girls as he had progressed through schooling, and it was a thorn in their side that he had only been in two public relationships and both of them were homosexual.

Still. It wasn't clear to them whether or not he was bi. They might have had a chance.

But then again, they didn't really. Not with the pain that was in every single cell of Kageyama's body, the utter sorrow that filled him whenever he looked over and chanced to see a tall blonde person push through the crowd in the hallways. Even if it wasn't Tsukishima, he would immediately think of his ex and be filled with something akin to hope that would then be immediately crushed by two things.

One, by the knowledge that it either wasn't Tsukishima, or that the blonde most definitely wasn't walking there for him.

Two, the fact that the tall blonde might never walk to him through the crowds just to touch his fingers again.

Of course it went deeper than that. But it was somehow that little things that kept breaking him up the most. Things like knowing that there most likely wouldn't ever be another time where Tsukishima would come over and make sarcastic remarks whilst helping the darker haired boy clean up the apartment so it would be nice for his mom returning from a business trip. He didn't regret breaking up with Tsukishima, but fuck did it hurt.

Over the next week, one thing comforted him that he saw. Despite his little thoughts that as soon as he had broken up with Tsukishima then the blonde would go and get together with Yamaguchi, that didn't happen. If anything, Tsukishima had secluded himself a little bit from his freckled friend. That made Kageyama feel better, because at least it wasn't just him that had been so deep in love and then he had his heart ripped out.

It helped him believe that he hadn't been a fool to fall in love.

During the last week of December the news was blowing up, practically. That gang, Queens, had killed someone named Inoue Kaori, a woman who lived with her old and sick mother. Apparently it was a common thing for people to not be able to afford medical care so they borrow from Queens. Just a loan, but if you miss too many payment dates they kill you in retaliation, and your family and loved ones sometimes too. The woman's mother had already died a week previously though, so they couldn't kill her.

Inoue Kaori only had two best friends, a woman named Oshiro Asuka and a man named Sasaki Sayuri. Both of them were put under police protection, and both of them died on the last day of December. The news wouldn't shut up about it, and Kageyama found that even though he hardly watched the news he still knew all of these details just because of how much students and teachers alike were talking about it.

When the winter break started (The first week of January and the last week of December) Kageyama had thought he'd still stay in touch with his friends. He did have some practices, which is how the teachers and students (Takeda being the teacher of course, and Ukai) somehow managed to talk about Queens enough that he knew far more about the gang than he had ever wanted to.

He was getting frustrated, though, because Hinata was still being cold to him when they needed to be coordinated and communicating. Eventually he angrily pulled Hinata out of the gym and demanded what his problem was. The redhead looked down, and sighed. The dark energy didn't make an appearance, Hinata just looked kind of empty and sad looking. "It's because you fucked with my head, Tobio." He said gently.

Kageyama was confused. "What? What does that mean?"

The redhead blushed a little bit, and looked down at the ground. "When . . . When we slept together, right after you broke up with Tsukishima. I thought - well, I don't know. I guess I wasn't thinking, not really. But either way, you really shouldn't have done that, because I was all sure and now . . . I don't know what I'm feeling anymore and I hate it," the redhead looked up at him with a bitter expression on his face.

The ravenette soured. "It fucked with your head? Really? It fucked with my head! If someone just broke up with someone and they kiss you, you always push them away. Even I know that! And then to wake up alone, you know what that does to me Shoyou! I get - messed up!" His voice was strained, and he was angry that Hinata seemed to be acting like such a victim.

Hinata clenched his jaw. "How bout you stop acting like a victim too then! You used me, Tobio, to get over a dick of a guy and now my feelings about you are so fucking crazy-"

"You have feelings for- about me?" Kageyama asked. Hinata had seemed to not care all those months ago, he had started hooking up with Oikawa and turning colder and darker. The redhead had always seemed to be completely over the ravenette setter.

Hinata sighed, and started walking away. Right before he walked back into the gym he asked four little words.

"When have I not?"


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SilverDragon00, bless their angsty smol bean soul, edited this chapter for me because they're fucking awesome.

Hinata didn't come to practice the next day. Or the next, or the day after that or even a week later. After that week, Kageyama went to the orange haired boy and tried to ask him why he had been boycotting practice. Did he not care anymore? Was he just giving up on all of the things that they had been working on together? What the fuck did Hinata think that he was doing, dumbass?

The redhead just started at him with a blank look and turned away.

It was hard to look at the redhead without feeling like Kageyama was missing something. Like the smaller boy had expected him to pick up on a hint, or solve some puzzle. He already knew that he had disappointed the younger boy by messing with his head (not on purpose, however, he was still unclear whether or not Hinata still had feelings for him or not, and in what way? It was all very confusing.) but he hadn’t meant to miss some other thing as well.

All throughout the third week of January Kageyama thought about it, and it was itching on him something awful. He could tell that Tanaka and Noya were eating their somewhat bitter words that they had slowly and steadily being saying more and more under their breath. The little comments about Hinata only wanting to go because he wanted to get laid, the teasing that was laced with practically obvious irritation. They all were just wondering what was wrong, and if Hinata was going to be okay or not.

It wasn’t helping that Hinata wasn’t talking to anyone about it. If Yachi knew something then she was lying about having no idea where he was, and that made them all the more worried as they didn’t even have someone to bribe and tell them what the fuck had happened to their formerly bright and cheery decoy. At the end of the third week of January, however, the rest of the team had found out that one person actually was in on what had happened.

The reason that they found out who knew what was going on wasn’t due to some spectacular detective work on any of their parts. It was because, that friday at practice, Ennoshita gathered all of them together with a solemn look decorating his features. He took a deep breath, and told them in a voice that sounded way too old and way too burdened for a high school student, “Hinata has been missing from practice a lot, I know. I’m . . . finally giving you answers, because he told me that I could.”

Their captain looked all of them directly in the eyes with a pained expression, and drooped his head a little bit. “He’s not coming back. He . . . He quit, guys.” At those words outbreaks of murmurs and shouts started. Noya had yelled and Tanaka demanded that Ennoshita tell them the truth, Hinata would never quit the team. The first years were looking confused, they had grown to like the sunny fake of Hinata, and they wanted to know what was wrong with their senpai. Whilst the other second years exchanged looks of somewhat knowing, Kageyama felt alone.

There was still a puzzle piece left, wasn’t there? He felt like he was still missing quite a few, actually. Like the reason that Hinata quit, for one. Kageyama could say one thing about Hinata, and that was that the redheaded male really and truly had a deep love in his heart for their shared sport. It wasn’t like him to drop it out of nowhere. And Kageyama had a feeling that the smaller teen didn’t drop the sport simply because they hooked up.

“You’re lying, that’s impossible!” Noya demanded, “What actually happened?!” Ennoshita looked conflicted, and he accepted the yelling and accusations and all of the demands with heavy shoulders and a face like he wanted to be anywhere but there. After a moment of looking attacked, Tanaka sighed and went up to Ennoshita with a more calm look on his face. He tenderly placed a hand on the captain’s shoulder, and asked him in a quieter voice why Hinata had quit.

“He quit because,” everyone quieted down at that, and payed attention to their speaking captain, “Well, first he just called in a few absences so that he could go to the funeral. But afterwards he quit. I guess he just couldn’t deal with seeing even more people. I can understand that.” Murmurs broke out again. A funeral? For who? Did someone who was close to their decoy die?

Ennoshita sighed once more before saying, “I know most of you most likely don’t know this, but for almost a year Hinata’s little sister, Natsu, has been fighting the sickness Leukemia. She . . . she died just a week and a half ago. He confided in me that she was sick only because I’m the captain, otherwise he would have kept it to himself. He . . . well, you know our Hinata. He hates being pitied.”

At the words of Natsu’s death, suddenly many things clicked. Hinata saying he had to go visit his aunt, Hinata saying his dad was visiting his aunt whenever he had practically interrogated the younger boy. His father had been visiting Natsu, hadn’t he? And Hinata . . . almost a year of dealing it with just his dad for support. His mother had left so early in the previous year that she wouldn’t have even known about the state of her young girl.

The redhead had dealt with it practically alone . . . he suddenly realized the reasons of the increase in drinking the last year, the sorrow, the reckless behaviour and the infatuation with hurting Kageyama via kissing and fucking strangers. Even his relationship with Oikawa made more sense, to have someone there to fuck away the pain when he needed it, especially as Natsu’s  condition only got worse . . . he didn’t want to, but Kageyama could feel pity invading his thoughts and feelings directed at Hinata.

All of the increased instability that Kageyama had seen over the past few months had an explanation. Though his sister dying didn’t explain everything (not the kiss between Oikawa and Iwaizumi, nor the borderline threatening moves made by him and Yachi) the dark haired setter was too distracted by the matter at hand to even think about those other puzzle pieces. Natsu had died, for fuck’s sake!

“Does that mean . . .” Noya started saying, his brow furrowed and his voice strained, “Does that mean that he and Oikawa were never a thing? That he just said they were fuckbuddies so that he wouldn’t have to tell us the truth and so he could go visit Natsu?” Oh. Kageyama hadn’t really considered that. Could the entire relationship between Oikawa and Hinata have been a ruse so as to visit his little sister as her life dwindled down to nothing?

The captain shrugged. “Well, I don’t really know if Oikawa and Hinata were actually fuckbuddies or not. I do know that Hinata was visiting his sister most if not all of the times that he left practice early. He . . . he wasn’t just leaving to get laid or something, like I know a lot of you probably thought.” Some of the players, including Tanaka, Noya, and some first years as well as Tsukishima, hung their heads in shame.

“Now, I don’t know if he’s going to rejoin when he’s recovered from his loss more, or if that was it for his volleyball career. Just . . . don’t push him, and offer him support when he needs it. Alright everyone?” The rest of the team nodded and voiced low agreements, an edge of second hand sorrow creeping up on all of their voices and attitudes of that day. Kageyama felt like shit overall.

He didn’t know the exact day that Hinata’s little sister had died, but Kageyama could figure out that Natsu couldn’t have passed away more than a day or two after Hinata had let it slip that he may still have feelings for the ravenette setter. All of the comfort that he knew, as a friend in the very least, he should have provided for the redhead spiker . . . he had failed at being a good friend, or even just a good person.

And who knew how bad that coupled with everything else was making Hinata himself feel.

That weekend and the next week as well were both eventful in the fact that Hinata’s friends that he had acquired from all over were coming to see him. It was always a bit sad (more than just a bit, if they were to be completely honest) for the team to have to redirect the people who just assumed that Hinata would be still on the team and so that was where they could find him to comfort him. Almost everyone had the same expression on their face the whole time.

When Suga and Daichi came back to see their younger, most everyone was surprised to see Asahi too. The tall male hadn’t even been able to make it to Bokuto’s funeral, so it was nice to see him after almost a year. Noya jumped into his arms the first second he saw Asahi step through the gym door, uncaring of the sweat coating his body. “You didn’t tell me you were coming,” almost everyone heard Noya say.

“I didn’t know I was till last night, if I’m being honest,” the tall male responded, holding the smaller teen gently. Once the display was right up there for them to see, it wasn’t hard for the rest of the team to accept how deep the two boys were for each other. Noya’s shoulders trembled a little bit, and his eyes were closed like he was hiding in a safe place. It struck Kageyama that maybe Asahi was Noya’s safe place, and he was filled with awe at his senpai for holding it together for so long and being so strong when it was obvious how important the bigger man was to Noya.

The previous captain smiled faintly at the sight of his friends finally seeing each other after so long apart, and he squeezed the hand of the silvery haired teen harder. Suga asked everyone where Hinata was, and for the millionth time it felt they had to tell them about how Hinata left and really might not ever come back. The older males turned even more morose looking at the news.

“But . . . Hinata loves volleyball. He can’t lose both the sport he loves and his little sister in this short of a timespan, he’ll break,” Suga argued a little bit, seeming more concerned and sad for his kouhai than anything. Maybe he already has broken, Kageyama thought to himself at that short moment in time, and we just all never noticed because he had such a convincing fake put up around the cracks.

No one really responded to Suga, they just shrugged and went back to half heartedly playing volleyball. The gym just wasn’t the same without Hinata, especially when they knew he most likely wasn’t coming back to them. It felt something as if the hard beating heart of their beloved sport had suddenly died on them, had given all that it had till it gave out completely. Like the sun got tired of shining down for them and gave up.

In the end, Suga and Daichi and Asahi (and Noya too because the look he shot Ennoshita’s way was so sad looking that the captain didn’t give up any fight really) left to go to the Hinata house and see their kouhai. The rest of the team feigned playing volleyball for a while longer, and though Kageyama was feigning in a different way than everyone else. Most everyone on the team was half heartedly batting around the ball, but Kageyama was putting all of the frustrations into the task at hand.

He could relate to Hinata more than before, he felt so conflicted and confused that the only way to distract himself was to pour all of the dark energy flooding his veins with crazed feelings into the game and to forget it all if only for a moment. He almost wanted to go find a stranger and let them have their way with him, because even then it would be better than having to think about everything that was going on.

At some point Ennoshita had to stop the ravenette setter from practicing any longer, he was reminded for what must have been the trillionth time that sports injuries were common after all. The blue eyed setter grit his teeth and looked down, but stopped himself for the night. As he was leaving the the gym, he could hear someone talking right outside of it. He recognized the people as Oikawa and Yachi.

Someone should tell Oikawa that the outside of the Karasuno gym isn’t a very good place for private talks, Kageyama thought. He stopped himself from leaving though, because he heard two distinct words that made him freeze up like a deer in headlights or something. “. . . Hinata’s debt, it’s still not helped. Natsu dying doesn’t change the fact that the Court won’t let him go, not while he has a few years of service left and has caught the eye of The Bitch’s aunt.”

It was Yachi who had spoken those words. Oikawa responded. “Pity can’t help him now, Yachi. I know that we got him into this more or less, but he played a part too. He joined this fucked up game of hearts, and he had the chance to say no. The only way you can help him now is . . .” The tall brown haired setter’s voice faded away, him and Yachi must have been walking away. After another minute, Kageyama let himself exhale shakily and walk outside the gym.

He had somehow let himself believe that the few puzzle pieces he had were enough to sort of understand the overall picture. It seemed he was wrong, and now he was more confused than ever. There was only one thing that was made quite clear to Kageyama after overhearing the exchange of Yachi and Oikawa. Hinata, whoever the redhead had become in the past few months time, was in deep trouble and had very low chances of escaping unscathed.

Hell, the redhead already was scratched and charred, his little sister had just died, his mother was long gone, and his mental state was most likely in shambles.

The last week of January, Kageyama decided that he needed to see the redhead. He couldn’t ignore everything that had transpired between them. It wasn’t because he was being brave and trying to face his feelings, no, Kageyama had tried to hide from his feelings. That hadn’t let him sleep though, and it made him painfully aware of every second that Hinata was absent from his life. Not to forget that he had only just recently let himself admit again that he was still scarily in love with that certain redhead short ex spiker.

So he randomly skipped practice one day. He knew it was stupid, but Kageyama didn’t tell anyone that he wasn’t going to be there. It was more because he didn’t want anyone to tell him that he was doing something stupid. Also because of that time Yachi had practically threatened him and told him that he needed to stay away from Hinata because it would fuck with the ginger’s head. He already had fucked with his head, so doing more might make her go off on him and he would go to great pains to avoid that if he could.

There had been a few more people to visit Hinata by that time, but by the Wednesday that Kageyama tried to find him on all of Hinata’s friends had payed their respects and told Hinata how utterly sorry for him they were. All but Kageyama of course, he was so lost on what to do. It had really been a spur of the moment kind of thing that made him start walking towards the way to get to Hinata’s house instead of going to practice.

He wouldn’t have been able to tell Ennoshita or anyone easily even if he had wanted to, so he didn’t feel that guilty. It wasn’t like anyone was trying very hard anymore in practice anyway, Things had gotten all too real for the group of them all too fast, and it was really just too much for many of them.They didn’t blame each other for the decrease in morale and enthusiasm, not really.

On the walk to Hinata’s house Kageyama wondered several times if he was doing the right thing after all. Should he have turned back? Would Hinata even want to see him? What if the redhead closed the door in Kageyama’s face when he tried to talk to him? What if Hinata pulled him inside and used his body for comfort the same way Kageyama had used Hinata not too long before? There were too many vague chances and it was messing with the ravenette setter’s way of thinking.

That problem was solved for him, however, when he got to the Hinata house and discovered after a little while that Hinata wasn’t there. Hinata’s dad (So Hinata, in a way, but not at all) was there and opened the door to see Kageyama, and he informed the ravenette that the redhead teenager wasn’t home. He hardly was in the past few months, according to Hinata’s dad. Kageyama thanked the grieving man and left him, not knowing where to go find his ex.

So Kageyama had missed his practice for nothing, it seemed.

The next day at school, Hinata did not even come to the education part of school. The ginger had been looking so thin and close to breaking in the past few days, and for a second Kageyama wondered if the smaller boy had simply broken and faded till he faded away. After a little while, the ravenette setter realized that Yachi probably knew where Hinata was hiding out (among other things concerning Hinata).

He approached the little blonde teenager with only a slight bit of hesitation lacing his echoing footsteps. Kageyama was . . . not looking forward to being borderline yelled at by Yachi again, and that was the nice was of looking at it. With how he knew that the smaller blonde was sure he was bad for Hinata and the redhead was bad for him, he knew it would probably be hard to fish the knowledge out of her. Still, he had to try.

He had tapped her shoulder a little bit while they were having lunch to get her attention. She turned to him with a bright expression on her face, and it only dimmed a little bit when she saw that it was Kageyama who had grasped her shoulder. “If you are coming to ask about Hinata then you should be leaving now,” she said in a cold voice that contradicted her sunny expression. She was sitting with her friends, and they had only slightly noticed Kageyama.

“We have to talk,” the tall dark haired teen insisted. The bright and convincing smile turned into something that resembled more of a grimace, and she sighed a little bit before grumbling an agreement and stating to walk into an empty hallway. That got her friend’s attention, and Kageyama would most likely have apologized for all the teasing she was certain to get late for hanging around with the hot Kageyama Tobio in an abandoned hallway if he wasn’t quite so oblivious.

“What is it?” Yachi demanded from him once they were far enough down the hallway that no one would be able to hear them. Gone was her sunny look, and in its place she looked stressed, mad, and very faintly worried. Kageyama wanted to stop everything and ask her if she was okay (because she looked very far from okay in that particular moment) but he already had something that he needed to do and he couldn’t afford to be sidetracked.

“I need you to tell me where I can find Hinata,” he told her straight out, bracing himself for the impact of words and possibly a hand slapping him too. Her face hardened, and she gave him a look like he was incredibly stupid for thinking that he even had chance, like she even pitied him a little bit for his crazy levels of stupidity.

“Um, I don’t know what you’re high on, but it must be good.” She snapped at him with words sharp enough to cut through his defenses. “I already told you, you should be staying away from him. He can’t help you the way he thinks that he can, and trust me you couldn’t help him even if you were hiding a fucking magic trick  inside your pocket or up your sleeve.” Hearing Yachi cuss distracted Kageyama. The word ‘fucking” sounded so wrong in her voice. Just . . . no.

“But - “ she stopped him before he could even get past one word.

“No. No no no. If you think you can fish him out of this mess then you’re wrong, and you should let it go. I don’t like seeing my friends getting hurt, and that’s all that will happen if you find Hinata. You two are like masochistic bastards, running at each other even though it’s you two that cut each other the deepest. Not me, not Oikawa, and not K- uh, life. Don’t you see that?”

Once again, Yachi was able to craft words that were made in a way that was perfect to destroy his defense. Was. . . was he really hurting Hinata more by seeing him? No. No, he had to. Even if it wasn’t for Hinata, he had the sort of vague feeling that he needed closure of some sort. Everything was unclear and he needed that redhead boy to turn up the sharpness filter on his life or something like that.

“Yachi, I know that you want to protect the both of us. And I think that you’re a really nice girl and all, but you’ve got to let me live my life. You’re acting like my mom.” Her face contorted more than it had previously. She looked frustrated and annoyed at him, like he was being so stupid and it was killing her on the inside. He really didn’t like seeing his friend like this, it was so different from the Yachi that he knew and loved.

“Oh, Kageyama. Your Mom? And how much attention has she even been paying you recently? I could tell you something about that, y’know. The reason that she’s always out recently and the reason that you think you’re living your life when you’re just walking yourself right to the line. You’re gonna cross it, Kageyama, before you even know it’s there. I’ve seen it happen before, to people smarter than you.”

The ravenette setter could feel his brow furrowing in confusion at Yachi’s words. Okay, so sure his mom was not at home more often than not those days, but that didn’t mean that she was a bad mom. It didn’t have to mean anything at all. She had her own life, after all. Right? He opened his mouth to protest to her, but she was already taking a step forward and talking again.

In a voice that was practically a whisper she said, “Now, I know you probably have good intentions, but I don’t give a shit. This is a warning, don’t ever come to me about finding Hinata or talking to him, or really anything about him. Not once more, not ever. It’s for your good, yes, but if you really care then know that it’s also for both mine and Hinata’s good. We don’t need you interfering, you’ve done enough as it is.”

With that she stormed off out of the hallway, her footsteps still echoing faintly, like she had learned how to take light steps over the time. Or she was just a light girl. Kageyama felt strangely intimidated by her, and stood stock still in the middle of the abandoned hallway as he watched her disappear from his vision. Probably she was returning to her friends, a smile plastered on her face and an excuse for why she was alone in an abandoned hallway with Kageyama Tobio  already formed inside of her brain.

He took a good five seconds to consider her . . . was it a threat? Had Yachi actually threatened him? It seemed like a far fetched notion that Yachi of all people would actually threaten him, but that was what it seemed to have been. Things were changing it seemed. Or perhaps they already had changed, and Kageyama had just been blinded to what had been right in front of his eyes the whole entire time.

After those five seconds of considering what she said, he went off to find Yamaguchi. That little brunette would know where he could find Hinata, right? Of course. And he wasn’t exactly scared of Yachi. How could he be? She was . . . Yachi. It wasn’t like she could or would hurt him. Though the comments that she made about his mom were actually a little bit below the belt. Still, he wasn’t scared of her. That would be kind of stupid, in his opinion.

After going to Yamaguchi (he realized that he should have just gone to him in the first place, the brunette told him with an understanding smile and no hostility, maybe a little bit of sadness etched in his face but no negative emotions otherwise really) Kageyama knew where to find that redhead he had been searching for. He felt stupid for not thinking earlier that Hinata would be there.

The redhead ex spiker was at the graveyard, visiting his little sister.

During the walk to the graveyard, Kageyama thought over what he wanted to say to Hinata once he got there. It was hard, because he wanted to say sorry to the smaller redhead boy for the way he had taken advantage of him practically, but he didn’t want that sorry to be confused with how sorry he was about what had happened with Natsu. He also wanted to talk to the teen to see whether he was taking care of himself.

As he entered, he could easily spot Hinata from somewhat far away because of his bright hair. There had been many times when Kageyama had wondered if the hair was fake, like Hinata dyed it or some weird shit to get it that colour. After he met Hinata’s family though, he saw that everyone had the crazy red hair, except for Hinata’s mom. Natsu had a bright smile on her face almost all the time to match her hair . . .

Had being the key word. Oh shit. He kept forgetting that Natsu was dead, gone and passed in an unfortunate circumstance. It was like a sucker punch every time he was reminded of it. Whether or not people believed it, the only kid that Kageyama had been good with was Natsu. He loved playing with her, and entertaining her little whims. Though he had distanced from her after he broke up with Hinata, that kiddo had always still had a place in his heart.

Kageyama could remember one time that he had gone over to Hinata’s house and Natsu had goen fucking nuts when she saw him, practically bouncing off the walls. She had this baby doll with black hair that she named Kageyama, after him. Even though the baby doll was a little bit sore on the eyes and a girl doll, Kageyama was honoured to have been the reason she named it what she did. He remembered that Hinata was a tad bit grumpy, complaining under his breath that Natsu had never named something after him.

The ravenette had found it a little bit cute. Then, he went off with Hinata to have one of their Thursdays.

Kageyama approached the mourning teen in silence, the only sound was the nature surrounding him and the crunching of his shoes on the ground. He could see Hinata twitch once, showing that the lighter haired boy had noticed the darker haired boy’s presence. Other than that, however, Hinata made no move to indicate that he knew and was okay with Kageyama coming closer to him.

With every step that he took toward Hinata, Kageyama wondered if Yachi had been right. Was it a bad idea to try with Hinata? Especially now that he had come to terms with his feelings for the lighter haired boy, and even if he wasn’t going to act on them (Because he was still reeling from the breakup with Tsukishima, if he was being completely honest) he still felt them influence his actions or thoughts at times.

But when he finally reached Hinata, the redhead looked up at him with this face like his world had crumbled underneath him. Kageyama sat down next to where Hinata was sitting next to Natsu, and the lighter haired boy leaned his head on the darker haired teen’s shoulder. The weight of Hinata’s head was somehow grounding, like that weight was what truly convinced him that his life so far hadn’t just been a dream.

“Y’know . . . I’m sorry about that night. I shouldn’t have done that.” Hinata didn’t make any sign that he had even heard him, so Kageyama went on. “Also, I’m really heartbroken about Natsu. She was important to me, just like how you’re important to me.” After a second the raven haired boy started rambling a little bit. “Well, not just like the way that you’re important to me, but like -”

Hinata stopped him with five words. “I get it. It’s okay.”

“No, it really isn’t.” Kageyama responded, his heart feeling heavy and his arms wanting to encircle the sad teen and pull him close. To help Hinata feel better. In fact, there were few things that the darker haired boy would not do at that moment just to make Hinata feel better than he was. The redhead sighed at Kageyama’s words, and his weight on the darker haired teen’s shoulder increased a little bit.

“Yeah, you’re right.” The fight was all gone from Hinata’s voice, and it made Kageyama a bit sad. They sat there for awhile longer, and eventually the sun got lower in the sky and darkness started to embrace them. Still, they kept still sitting there next to each other, Most of the time they just sat there in silence, because even the kindest words felt too harsh.

After a while Kageyama broke the somewhat alright silence with the words, “Shoyou? Can I walk you home?”

Hinata just nodded in a sort of reply.

And so they walked.


	14. Chapter 14

Sometimes, life seems to give you a short break. It isn’t so much as a prolonged period of things in life being generally better, if even for only a few days. There isn’t usually a certain beginning or ending to these points, and they’re more often than not only good for one or two people. Still, they exist and show up every once and awhile, as if to remind you that long periods of relaxation are not always a fairytale. They maybe exist to give hope. It’s debatable, really.

Either way, Kageyama was experiencing a short period of time, only ten-ish days really, like that. He had started building a sort of bridge to cross the gap between him and Hinata, and he had even managed to say hello to Tsukishima without feeling a sort of twisty, wrenching feeling in his gut. Overall, he had a few days of calm, a few days to catch his breath and relax.

Then, Queens made the whole world explode again. It seemed to the ravenette setter that whenever someone in that stupid gang so much as breathed, the media had to talk about it. Whether it be reporting past crimes that the gang had done or suspected ones, the gang seemed to never sleep in its pursuit for the world to not forget about it anytime soon. It wasn’t exactly their intention to, this time though.

A member of the gang was caught in the act of killing someone. Well, not in the act. The person was long dead when the gang member was caught, quite literally red - handed. While the gang was reported to be way more careful than that usually, this man who had been captured was suspected to be a new initiate or something along those lines. Kageyama was almost sick when he saw who the person killed was. It was that man behind the counter from the corner store, from the time that he had followed Oikawa and Hinata.

The man who was caught wasn’t speaking to anyone. They had already removed several devices from the man that were there so that he could kill himself if he got captured. Then, the police told the public that the man was confirmed as being a member of the Queens, as he had the brand of a member on his hip. The brand was small and easy to miss if you weren’t looking for it, just a small playing card with the classic queen on it, no suit labeling the card though.

When he saw the picture of the brand plastered around all of social media and the news, Kageyama noticed that it seemed very familiar. Like somehow, even though he had never seen a member of Queens in person, he had seen the brand on someone before its picture was everywhere. He tried to shake the feeling off, as dwelling on it could lead to things like paranoia. He didn’t want that, he was aware of the fact that he had enough problems already. The last thing he needed to do was add on to that because of a stupid feeling.

The thing that was bothering him the most, really, was that Hinata had been opening up a little bit more before the whole big Queens thing had happened. The redhead, despite still recovering from a difficult loss (and despite the fact that Kageyama suspected Yachi had been telling Hinata to stay away from him), had been coming to school every day, for the entire day and not being so . . . empty towards most everything.

Sometimes whenever Kageyama talked to him, the redhead ex spiker would actually reply. They wouldn’t have an actual conversation with each other per say, but small talk with the redhead was a big step when considering the situation. It was like watching a snail come out of its shell, and Hinata was swathed with school friends who were desperate to talk to him and were ecstatic when they started getting responses. The redhead was actually quite popular in school, not that that was a surprising feature about him. Of course Hinata would be popular.

But after the man was caught, Hinata shut down like a high security prison on lockdown. He was still putting on an act for all of his school friends (Some people just love having the illusion that they’re helping someone and a good person, and Hinata took advantage of that to blind pretty much everyone). With Kageyama though, the redhead wasn’t acting or anything like that. He just wasn’t speaking to him at all.

It was a frustrating trip back to square one, and the ravenette found himself cursing that stupid Queens gang. What was so special about them anyway? Just because you kill a lot of people and have a lot of influence doesn’t mean that you’re anything special, or at least not to Kageyama Tobio. Not to mention, it was stealing time from him. Time that he could be practicing Volleyball with was wasted on the first years not shutting up about Queens. One word kept coming back to Kageyama, and it was annoying the absolute shit out of him.

“Hearts.”

That had been Hinata’s one hint to the ravenette. Surely it had to be something clever or important, and obvious right? Not All that the dark haired boy could think of were the things that beat in your chest and those little valentine heart things. Which, of course, reminded him of the day when Hinata and him had first kissed. It had been on Valentine’s day, in that stupid and way over-decorated cafe.

Finally, Kageyama had the bright idea to search up the word hearts on the computer. He got frustrated rather quickly, because all that had popped up were things about some game. He was looking for something important, not a game! Then he remembered the words from earlier that Oikawa had said to Yachi. “He joined this fucked up game of hearts, and he had the chance to say no.” Kageyama had closed out of his browser, but when he remembered Oikawa’s words he quickly opened a new window.

“Hearts,” he typed into the search bar. What popped up was the game again, and an article that said, “Hearts is an "evasion-type" trick-taking playing card game for four players, although variations can accommodate 3–6 players.” He mouthed over the words as he read them, and continued reading. After a while, though, he realized he couldn’t remember a single word he had read. After a moment he decided he would re-visit hearts in the morning, it was getting late and he had a test the next day in math.

And he didn’t think twice when he exited out of the browser, and it never even crossed his mind that morning.

It was on Valentine’s day that Kageyama had had enough. He was absolutely done with calling the redhead’s name in a hallway only to be ignored. He was up to his breaking point in seeing the ex spiker flinch whenever Kageyama would stretch out his arm to touch Hinata’s shoulder or something like that. It was annoying, yes, but also mind numbingly frustrating and confusing too!

So on Valentine’s day (Although Kageyama didn’t remember that it was, in fact, Valentine’s day, he was a little bit out of it and never really payed attention to specific dates on the calendar anyway) the ravenette setter decided he was going to do something about the Hinata thing. Like insist that he go with Hinata when he would visit Natsu’s grave, or bring him soup or something. Anything to get a response that wasn’t negative, really.

That day, though, Yachi approached him of her own free will for the first time in a little while. He was in the hallway, trying to get to his locker so that he could get his stuff for his next class, and she stood directly in front of him. “Kageyama, I know what today is to both you and Hinata. Even though it’s really important and all, and I know how it feels to not be with the person you love on today, please don’t mess with him. He really doesn’t need you making things even more difficult for him than they already are.” With that, she walked away.

The ravenette setter hadn’t even had a chance to reply to her. It was a little bit annoying to him how Yachi kept insisting that he was ruining things for Hinata. He couldn’t see that very well, though he did admit that perhaps he had been in the wrong for fucking Hinata. The redhead had read the situation wrong, yes, but only due to Kageyama’s lack of explaining things the way they were. Whether it’s believable or not, the fact stands that it doesn’t feel very good to only be someone’s rebound fuck.

While Kageyama also was painfully aware of his feelings for Hinata (The whole thing with never having stopped loving the redhead teen even when everything turned to shit and they broke up), he couldn’t just forget Tsukishima. He was moving on, yes, but at a snail’s pace. He was recovering from an emotional wound, and it wasn’t expected to heal overnight. Then again, so was Hinata.

Then the thing with Yachi took on a stranger shade when she had become even more snappish after the man from Queens had been captured by the police. Her words had gotten sharper and her shoulders seemed about to break form all the burdens they seemed to be carrying. After the man from Queens had gotten captured by the police, her jaw seemed to be clenched all the time and it was hard to talk to her without feeling like you were being threatened. For some reason she was really tense.

What was really bothering Kageyama though was that every time that she seemed to go up to him and lecture him about staying away from Hinata, the next time he tried to talk to the redhead it was way harder. As if she was taking all of her sharp words and delicately crafted thoughts and tailoring them to fit Hinata. The ravenette had an itching feeling that she was lecturing Hinata as much as she was lecturing him.

And that was just plain irritating.

It was with a start that the ravenette setter forgot all about what Yachi had said, because he realized why today of all days she had approached him. It was Valentine’s Day. Oh holy mother of shit. The day that, in a way, started it all for the two of them. It had been on that Valentine’s day a year past that they had kissed for the first time, it was on that Valentine’s day that they had stopped being just friends and had crossed into the territory of being more.

It was when things started getting faster too. It was when the earth’s spinning had seemed to have increased, and was going to kill them all. It was when the foundation of something beautiful had been built. It had been the start of gazing up at stars and talking about the future, it had been the start of when Kageyama felt something growing in his chest that he would later call love. It was when he learned how to fly in a different way than before.

He remembered so much from that time. He could almost still feel Hinata’ hand hesitantly trying to reach out for Kageyama’s from underneath their desks. The ravenette could almost still hear that raging and increasing heartbeat (his own) in his ears whenever his lips dared to touch Hinata’s again. The blush from his first time was practically still all over his face because of how much he could remember it.

The tall dark haired boy buried his face in his hands for a moment, taking a deep breath. Oh god, they were so messed up. Things had used to be so simple between the two of them, just some mutual attraction and teenagers who thought they knew what love was. When had all of it spun up into a tangled mess of feelings and friends and pushing the wrong buttons? How had everything suddenly gotten so . . . complicated?

But then again . . . at the same time that they had been only a week into their relationship, Hinata’s mother had left them. That realization hadn’t hit very far at home before, but now it made the dark haired setter’s eyes widen. And then not long after that, Natsu had probably been diagnosed with cancer. So things really hadn’t ever been as simple as Kageyama thought, had they? Maybe . . . had they always been so messed up, and the increasing speed had just distracted him from it?

No. He thought to himself that maybe he should stop blaming the speed for everything. Really, it had nothing to do with him or Hinata. It was how they dealt with the speed that was important, not the speed itself. Because while Kageyama needed to have maybe not blamed it for everything that went wrong in his relationship, Hinata was still at fault too for all the times he cheated on Kageyama and such. It takes two to tango, that’s what they say.

It was funny how the deeper side of him seemed to come out in unconventional places like in the shower, sitting on the toilet, and standing in the middle of the school hallway when he should have been moving to go to class.

At that thought, Kageyama retreated from the depths of his mind where he had been thinking about all of it, and realized that the hallways were almost empty. There could only be thirty seconds or so before the next class period started, and Kageyama hadn’t even gotten his stuff for his next class out of his locker. Hell, he wasn’t even at his locker. He was just a mess, really.

“Hey! You should be getting to class!” A teacher had been walking to the facilities for the faculty and noticed the setter just standing in the middle of the now empty hallway. Kageyama considered the fact that his locker was far enough away that no matter what he would be late for his next class. He also thought about how he hadn’t even seen Hinata at school that day, the redhead was probably skipping school that day or something like that. Was it really worth it to go to class?

No, he decided. It really wasn’t.

Kageyama looked right into the teacher’s eyes and replied, “Yes sensei.” With those words he walked right out of the hallway and in the direct opposite direction of his locker. That direction just so happened to be to the doors of the building. He looked so confident in his actions that he wasn’t questioned, and he left the school building with a slight spring in his step, and the adrenaline that you can get when you get away with something.

While the tall dark haired teen wasn’t exactly sure where he was planning on going, his feet were surer than his mind, so he just let them lead him wherever he needed to go. He felt that in times of confusion, and when the greater powers fail, sometimes you just have to trust your instinct. While he was more inclined to acting with valor, sometimes he needed to just let life lead him where he was supposed to be going (but maybe he was mistaking his subconscious for what he considered “life”).

Whilst walking, he wondered what Hinata was doing at that moment. Was the redhead staring blankly at some wall again? Did the shorter teen even think about volleyball anymore, or did he not care after all they had gone through together? Was Hinata maybe visiting the grave of his dead little sister? It struck a sorrowful chord in Kageyama to remember Natsu, that she was gone and past. He really did have a place in his heart that had broken for that smiley little girl.

It seemed that his feet and his mind suddenly became in sync in a way, because right as he was thinking about how Hinata could be visiting Natsu, he found himself at the entrance to the graveyard. He took a deep breath before heading off to find Hinata. It wouldn’t be very hard, with his bright red hair that boy was hard to miss, even if you wanted to.

Sure enough, he found Hinata by the grave of his late little sister. He was all ready to force Hinata to hear him if he had to, but the sight before him made his eyes soften. Instead of having that dull look of grief in his eyes, or the burning anger that was there almost all of the other times, there was nothing in his eyes because Hinata Shoyou was asleep. Gentle puffs of air were escaping his mouth, and he would inhale ever so slightly through his nose. His face was on the grass, and the position he was in looked quite uncomfortable.

Kageyama took a quick second to ponder what to do. He could wake up the sleeping teen and demand he listen to the taller and darker haired boy, but that was a little harsh, even for Kageyama. Another option was to gently wake up Hinata and tell him he should be getting home, or maybe then convince him to listen to him. But that, just like the first option, didn’t feel quite right to Kageyama. Who knew how much sleep Hinata was getting in recent times?  
So instead of rousing the smaller boy, Kageyama simply moved to be sitting next to where Hinata was sleeping, and gently moved the ginger haired boy’s head to his lap. The taller setter figured that his lap was probably a lot more comfortable than the cold hard ground. The weight of Hinata on him was reassuring in a way, and though the smaller boy stirred just a little bit, he quickly went back.

After a while of simply staring at the sun moving slowly through the sky, Kageyam started stroking Hinata’s hair. It was peaceful, having a pattern and putting it to work. He heard a little sound of appreciation from the still - asleep Hinata, and felt himself smiling down at him. It got to be really uncomfortable just sitting, So Kageyam started leaning back a little bit until eventually he had somehow ended up with being laying on his back with Hinata’s head on his chest.

He really hoped that Hinata didn’t freak out on him when he woke up. It was comforting to be able to hold Hinata in that way again, and for a moment Kageyama was transported back to another moment in time, at that very same graveyard.

/“I get it. It’s okay.”

“No, it really isn’t.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Shoyou? Can I walk you home?”/

At the memory of the day only a little while past, Hinata started stirring. It started with a few mumbles, and then his arm reached across Kageyama’s chest in a lazy sort of manner, as if to stretch out or get more comfortable. The ginger boy was making himself right at home all cuddled up in Kageyama. He was in the midst of burying his face into the dark haired setter’s neck when he froze, realizing where he was and who he was with in a split second.

Before the ginger could make a big deal out of anything, Kageyama sat up, cradling Hinata in a way so that the redhead was brought back up to a sitting position too. His hand was still resting on Hinata’s shoulder, and the redhead didn’t seem to mind the touch very much. The shorter boy was looking groggy, and he rubbed at his eyes with his right hand, a too big sweater sleeve getting in the way a little bit.

Kageyama’s other hand was still cradling Hinata’s cheek, almost caressing him but not quite. He could feel the concern in his eyes practically boring holes into the smaller boy, but how could that bother him when, in that tiny moment, Hinata looked so completely and utterly fragile? “Shoyou,” he broke the silence lightly, his words sliding over soundless spaces like his voice was meant to fill them, “You’re awake.”

Hinata blinked hard for a moment, still looking confused. “When - when did you come here? I don’t - remember.” Kageyama bit his lip, hoping that his response wouldn’t creep the other boy out or something along those lines.

“I, ah, left school and found you here. You were asleep when I came.” Hinata nodded a bit, his eyes still having a haze of tiredness. The taller teen couldn’t help but find the small redhead to be crazily cute in that moment, with his too - big sweater and sleep mussed hair, not to mention the way Hinata kept licking over his chapped lips to wet them. Kageyama found himself wishing he could be holding Hinata as tight as he was earlier again, close and nice.

It struck him then how small Hinata was. Not just height wise, but the fact that in comparison to his own, Hinata’s fingers looked like they belonged to an elementary schooler. How Hinata was this tiny human, and so incredibly cute that it was hard to stand it. He was filled with a sense of strange wonder, and the hand touching Hinata’s shoulder moved of its own accord to rest on Hinata’s other cheek. A slight flush filled the very same cheeks, and oh god was it beautiful to the tall setter in that moment.

“But - how did we end up cuddling . . . ?”

The more sharp part of Hinata started to come back, the awake and fully aware of his surroundings one. The ravenette remembered when he was experiencing both the soft and the sharp of Hinata why and how exactly he had fallen in love with him. “Oh, you, uh, looked uncomfortable?” It comes out as more of a question than a steady reply, but Hinata is already nodding, like that’s a perfectly acceptable explanation.

“Okay.”

With that one word, Hinata seemed content. The redhead stared up at Kageyama, and the taller boy was suddenly very aware of his two hands cupping the smaller teen’s face. He realized that they were really, really close. Hinata was sitting in Kageyama’s lap, and the redhead’s hands were resting on Kageyama’s hips. With how close they were and the way that the smaller boy was looking up at him, Kageyama thought maybe he should kiss those pink lips, claim Hinata again in a soft way . . .?

After a few more moments of silence, Hinata closed his eyes and stretched a little bit, and Kageyama’s hands fell away from the ginger boy’s face to rest on his shoulders, as if Hinata still needed support in some way or another. The moment was more or less over, and he realised that he was a big, giant idiot. Of course he shouldn’t just kiss Hinata on a whim, he shouldn’t kiss anyone on a whim! He had wanted to talk to the redhead anyway, not kiss. (Well, that was debatable.)

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Kageyama didn’t know how to lead into the main gist of what he wanted to say, so he just kind of skipped the lead in. Like a mental “fuck it.” The soft - ish expression on the smaller boy’s face faded away to something unreadable, and he looked down. Though they were still close and sharing each others body warmth, Hinata seemed colder than before.

For some reason that made Kageyama feel a little panicked. He wanted to keep the warmth, he wanted to preserve the moments of soft for just a little while longer. Hinata, though, was cooling down, and his blush that had graced his face in such a beautiful little rose tint was fading away right before the tall setter’s eyes. The redhead swallowed a little bit, and Kageyama’s eyes followed the bob of his adam’s apple.

“I have,” Hinata confirmed, meeting Kageyama’s eyes again. Unlike some of the more recent times in which he had talked to the smaller redhead boy or confronted him about something, there was no malice or anger hidden in the depths of the shorter teen’s eyes. There wasn’t even a bit of resentment, not a sliver of loathing or even a shred of contempt. No, none of those.

Instead, Hinata just looked really, really sad.

It wasn’t the kind of sad like, “Oh, I just dropped my meat bun and now it’s all covered in dirt and Ennoshita is saying I can’t eat it.” It was more along the lines of deep emotional pain. Like the redhead was just a poor lost soul, being tortured in the dungeons for a crime he did not commit. It made sense, his sister had just died after all, but Kageyama felt like he had been seeing the look in Hinata’s eyes for awhile.

Sometimes, there are these chain reactions in the world. Like cause and effect and effect and effect. There is one thing that starts all of it, no matter how small the thing is. Sometimes the chain reaction is good, and one small thing can lead to a good day with smiles all around and warmth and happiness. Most of the time, however, the chain reaction is usually bad. It could be something like tripping while getting out of bed which leads to your foot being hurt which leads to not pedaling on your bike right which leads to falling off and scraping your knees. Things like that.

Kageyama felt as if he had been seeing Hinata like that for awhile because maybe Hinata was in one of those chain reactions, just for a long time. The kind where you can watch everything going wrong before your eyes but there’s really nothing you can do but bow your head in defeat. The ravenette wondered what Hinata’s starting point had been, what little thing had tipped him off the edge and started the chain reaction of one bad thing after another.

“Why?” Kageyama asked the smaller boy, who seemed to be (in that short time frame at least) just as reluctant as the taller darker haired boy was too leave the warmth and comfort of each other’s presence. At the raven’s question, Hinata looked to the side and sighed, a small little puff of air leaving his mouth in a way that conveyed tiredness. The kind of tired that sleep doesn’t really help.

Then, Hinata shrugged. “I guess. . . I don’t even really know anymore. At first it was for reasons, and Yachi seems to hate us being around each other, and then it was just a habit. Avoid Kageyama. He brings trouble.” After a moment of not speaking, Hinata added to what he had just said. “The funny thing is, though, that you’re not the one who even brings the trouble, that’s me. Funny funny, ha ha.” The words left his mouth bitterly, and the dark haired boy looked down at him sadly.

Then the redhead looked up at Kageyama with a somewhat curious look on his face. “But you . . . you used to ignore me too. Now you aren’t. You’re actually trying to. . . chase after me or something like that. Why are you doing that, Tobio? We both know that I’m nothing but trouble for you.” With the words vaulting off his tongue like that, it seemed that Hinata’s effect on other people’s lives was something that the redhead had made peace with somewhere along the way.

This time Kageyama wanted to be the one to look away, but he didn’t. He kept staring into the other boy’s eyes, not wanting to miss a single second. “I think we both know why,” the tall setter replied in a sort of low mumble. Had Hinata not been as close to Kageyama as he was, he might not have caught it. Still, he did, and a second later a bit of realization crossed over Hinata’s face.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They were quiet for a little while longer, and Hinata shifted a little bit in Kageyama’s lap but didn’t move out. They both seemed content to just sit with each other for just a little while longer. After that, Kageyama asked, “Are you going to keep ignoring me?” The redhead sighed again, and let his head fall to rest on the taller boy’s chest. His breath was hot, which Kageyama took notice of.

“I don’t know.” The response wasn’t what the taller boy had wanted to hear at all. Kageyama sighed, as if copying Hinata from just moments earlier.

“I see.”

“I don’t think you do.” Hinata countered, his the vibrations of his words could be felt by Kageyama against his chest, even though the material of his shirt. One of the hands resting on Hinata’s shoulder moved down to the redhead’s lower back, as if holding him. Whether for safety, for comfort, or just for the feeling of warmth from another person, it made both of them relax a little bit. “I don’t want to ignore you.”

“Oh.” Before Kageyama could say anything more, Hinata was talking.

“Tobio? Can you promise me something?”

“That depends on the promise.” He didn’t mean to sound as harsh as he did, but the tall raven setter had learned over time that you can never promise something without knowing what it is you are promising. It’s like signing an empty contract that someone can fill out later however they like.

“When you figure out why all of this is going on - which I’m sure you are going to figure it out or somehow know at some point - don’t . . . don’t hate me, okay?” He didn’t know how to reply to that. What was the redhead implying by that? Sure, he knew that Hinata had gotten a bit dark, but what could he have done to make Kageyama hate him?

“I . . . I’ll try, Shoyou.”

“Thank you.” The relief in those two lonely words was clear on Hinata’s face as the redhead pulled his head back to face the setter once more.

“It’s fine, really.” Hinata nodded. It had seemed like the redhead was done, but after biting his lip and looking conflicted for a moment, he said a few last things.

“And Tobio?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I messed everything up.”

Before Kageyama could reply, Hinata had sprung up from the raven’s lap and was walking away, head held high and feet sure. For some reason, the tall raven setter was once again reminded of flying.

Maybe that was just Hinata’s effect on him.

But wasn’t that just his effect on everyone?


	15. Chapter 15

Graduation.

The word left a sort of bitter taste in Kageyama's mouth, and he wanted to frown and turn up his nose at it. Because . . . it had to be impossible. Just yesterday they had started their first year, but now they were already finished with their second. And to think, all of their senpais were just gone. Tanaka was going to university, and it wasn't for volleyball but Kageyama could remember it had something to do with athletics. Nishinoya was going to the same university that Asahi was, and it turned out that it was actually kind of far away.

Ennoshita was going to university in the United Kingdom of all places, at Oxford. He wanted to pursue some fancy job that Kageyama hadn't been able to pronounce even the fifth time he attempted, and after that time he gave up. It was some form of being a doctor or something like that. It was surprising to Kageyama, because he had just assumed that their captain would obviously continue with volleyball.

Narita and Kinoshita had been going steady for the last year, and we're going to a university together not very far from Ennoshita’s, in Germany. (The universities weren’t very close in reality but they were both in Europe so he considered them close.) They were more interested in being engineers for automobiles and such than in pursuing a career in volleyball. Kageyama just hoped that they weren’t overestimating their fluency in German.

The time leading up to graduation day was hardly slow. February had been over in the blink of an eye, and though Hinata wasn’t avoiding him as much, he certainly wasn’t going out of his way to contact the taller raven haired setter. It seemed Yachi was still influencing the redhead. Then again, both of the two were seeming to be incredibly tense, like a cat about to pounce or maybe a mouse caught in a trap. Either way they seemed to be somewhat dangerous and desperate, two terms which often go hand in hand.

The tall setter was back in that somewhat hazy way of life. The ones where days slip by through your fingers and all you can do is stare numbly at them and wonder what the hell is going on. He felt like he was on the verge of getting something important, but it just wasn’t coming to him. He was trying desperately to piece together what was even happening with Hinata and him and all of that confusing shit.

Things kept circling around in his head. Things like, “Hearts,” and “Pity isn’t going to help him,” and “I’m sorry I messed everything up.” What did any of it even mean? Kageyama was getting more and more frustrated as he kept failing to comprehend what it all even was hinting at. Was it because he was dumb or something? He didn’t want to believe that. It made him feel inferior.

_ “Tobio? Can you promise me something?” _

_ “That depends on the promise.” _

_ “When you figure out why all of this is going on - which I’m sure you are going to figure it out or somehow know at some point - don’t  . . . don’t hate me, okay?” _

_ “I . . . I’ll try, Shoyou.” _

_ “Thank you.” _

It was getting hard to sleep. His mother was noticing, and kept trying to subtly bring it up and figure out what she could do to help him. But then again, she was also absent most nights those days, whether it was for work or dates or whatever, Kageyama didn’t know. All he knew is that Yachi’s words about her kept coming back whenever she asked what was wrong, and it hurt.

“Tobio? You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

_ “Oh, Kageyama. Your Mom? And how much attention has she even been paying you recently? I could tell you something about that, y’know. The reason that she’s always out recently and the reason that you think you’re living your life when you’re just walking yourself right to the line. You’re gonna cross it, Kageyama, before you even know it’s there. I’ve seen it happen before, to people smarter than you.” _

“I know. I’m okay Mom, really.”

“ . . . Alright. My offer still stands, you know. Whenever, whatever.”

“Yeah.”

He never did go to her to talk. It was like whenever he even considered it he would be hit by that little blonde’s words again, and he’d just stay put. It was a shame, really, because he figured that she was probably smart enough to figure out the puzzle that had been eluding him for so long. Still, it was a matter of pride and doubt, and it wasn’t her puzzle to solve (or at least that was what he told himself ).

All of the words swirling around in his head were distracting, and he almost didn’t notice how Hinata wasn’t exactly open to him after their times in the graveyard together. Almost being the key word. Mostly he was just confused and distant. Yamaguchi was a surprisingly good friend (only surprising to Kageyama, everyone else wasn’t surprised in the slightest) to the raven haired boy, making sure that both he and Hinata were eating lunch and things like that.

Yamaguchi was also making sure that Kageyama wasn’t overworking himself. That small brunette boy was somehow very firm and stubborn with making sure that Kageyama wasn’t practicing too long. He could feel himself following in Oikawa’s footsteps in a hazy, unknowing and unaware way (that knee injury had been known to him, and even though he didn’t especially like Oikawa he still felt sympathetic for the tall brunette setter).

Still, he couldn’t help himself. Kageyama always thought better when he was setting a ball or perfecting his serve, and to be on the court with that ball felt so right that he couldn’t stay away if he wanted to. For someone who lives in an almost constant confusing haze, just a few moments of clarity can be addicting. Most nights he found himself being forced off the court by either Ennoshita or Yamaguchi.

(By that point, everyone agreed that Yamaguchi was going to be an excellent captain. The boy had grown up into a confident and gentle young man who was nice but firm. Yamaguchi’s serves had gotten to be so good that they were winning several points in a row almost every single game and practice match whenever he was up to serve. Despite their loss in Hinata, they all felt the next year with Yamaguchi as captain would be a promising one.)

There had been more than just a few awkward run-ins with Tsukishima due to Yamaguchi’s almost mothering attitude towards Kageyama. Because the tall blonde was best friends with Yamaguchi, they tended to be found together more often than not. Though pretty much everyone knew that Yamaguchi had feelings for Tsukishima (and everyone heavily suspected that Tsukishima reciprocated the feelings) the two had not started dating and hadn’t even hinted at a possibility of it.

That wasn’t exactly a surprising thing, however. Kageyama had been Tsukishima’s second or third relationship ever, and they had been together for a long time. The amount of emotion that they had felt for each other had been borderline unhealthy, and by the end of their relationship even when they broke up they were still in love. For the blonde to need a while to get over the raven haired boy and move on, well . . . it wasn’t exactly a shocker or anything like that.

Kageyama wasn’t a heartless bastard in the matter either. He had been torn in his relationship for a long time, and the amount of hurt and bitterness and pain that was swirling around inside of him was crazy. Not to mention that he had held onto caraphernelia for a little while, just for the illusion of still having the tall blonde boy that he had felt so intensely for. The day that he had given back Tsukishima all of the possessions he had left at Kageyama’s was one that hurt both of them to the core.

The times that they crossed paths were often, obviously. They were still on the same volleyball team together, and with Hinata being gone Tsukishima was spiking more often. Every time he set the ball to the tall blonde it felt a mixture of beautiful and bitter, and he didn’t know if he wanted to stop it or not. Having practice with each other also meant it was impossible to go without talking to each other at least a little bit, and it was easy for everyone to see that they had both not moved on every time they spoke and the raw hurting emotion was on their faces.

It was confusing for both of them, because they were moving on and simultaneously holding on way too tight to something that couldn’t ever be again. Both of the boys also had people that they wanted to move on for (although the person Tsukishima wanted to move on for would unquestionably be a better and healthier option than the person that Kageyama wanted to move on for).

While they were managing to still keep moving on despite the amount of time that they spent together, it was harder during those times when Tsukishima would be with Yamaguchi when the soon-to-be-captain would yell at Kageyama to stop practicing and give himself a break. At night everything becomes more raw it seems, and seeing the blonde boy that had held a position in his heart for so long after the sun had gone down made everything ache a little bit less numbly.

Time is an incredible remedy, however, and by the time that it was only a week from March 20th (the day of graduation), both of the two teens were remarkably better off than they had been. When Yamaguchi came to tell Kageyama that it was time for him to shut down for the night and Tsukishima was with him, all they did was exchange a knowing look.

They had grown up, all of them.

So as the days moved past steadily, Kageyama lost track of how many times he would be longing for the end. Not the end as in death, but the end as in graduation. Though he detested it simultaneously, and felt pangs of nostalgia overwhelm him whenever he thought about all of his senpais leaving him, he was also ready. He somehow felt like he had been waiting for it for a longer time than he thought.

It was hard to endure. That was a fact he knew for certain. To wait is one thing, but to endure is to take blows and not know how long you will last. He was done with enduring. Though he knew graduation wasn’t quite closure, it was something similar to moving on, which was enough for him to be anticipating was so relieving to him it made him feel better than he had in a long time.

The day before graduation and the last day of school (though it wasn’t really graduation for him, he was literally moving from being a second year to being a third year) he decided that he couldn’t move on without at least some sort of closure. Though he knew he had been seeking it in the form of Hinata for a while and that hadn’t exactly been working, he wanted to try one last time while he had the chance.

The walk up to Hinata’s place was slow, because of several reasons. One of the reasons was that he was thinking as he walked. There was hardly any cars on the road at all, and the sounds of the world being alive around him was thought provoking. He was still struggling to piece together what it had meant whenever all of those things had been said by Oikawa and Yachi and Hinata. What did they know that he was ignorant of?

Most likely a lot, admittedly.

Another reason that it took a rather long time to get to Hinata’s house was that he checked the graveyard first. With the fact that he had had a few important moments with the redhead in that graveyard, it wasn’t a silly idea to him to check there first. Especially with how much Hinata was intensely feeling the loss of his younger sister and his likely reluctance to go back to an empty house (Hinata’s father was hardly ever at their house anymore, the man was most likely out somewhere drinking away his feelings).

So when Kageyama didn’t find Hinata at the graveyard, he was even a little bit surprised. He knew that there was always the chance that the redhead wasn’t at his house either, the redhead could easily be with Oikawa somewhere or something like that. Still, the raven haired boy knew that he wouldn’t have proper rest or closure in any way until he’d tried looking at Hinata’s house too.

It was also not a rather short walk to Hinata’s place. Although he could get a ride or shorten the walk by getting a bus or something to a stop closer to the redhead boy’s house, he didn’t mind the walk. It wasn’t like it was exerting him a lot, the raven haired boy was fit if anything. So he simply walked, and kept going no matter how many times he wondered if it really was worth it.

As the view of Hinata’s house crept up into his vision, one thing struck him. It wasn’t quiet. Now, that didn’t mean that Hinata seemed to be having a party or something, it wasn’t loud in that he was playing music or something along those lines. No, no, no. He could hear the sound from over twenty feet away from Hinata’s house because of just how loudly the people inside of it were yelling their throats hoarse at each other.

“No! I don’t fucking care anymore, You can - NO!” Hinata’s voice was clear, and it was almost as if  he was trying to drown out the other’s argument with his voice. “I’m sorry we can’t all be fucking perfect like you, Yachi, okay?! That doesn’t mean you have the right to fucking -” Kageyama had never heard Hinata sound so angry, not even when they would fight about Hinata’s cheating habits when they were still dating.

“Stop it! You’re being unreasonable and you know it Shouyou!” Yachi screamed back, her voice sounding shrill and infuriated. The raven haired setter had never heard either of his friends sounding so mad before, especially not ever at each other. Yachi had been surprising the raven haired teen lately with her bitter attitude and sharp words, but he had never pictured her capable of yelling with such ferocity in her tone.

“ _ Shoyou _ ?! You think you have the fucking right to call me that you motherfuck-” Once again, his voice was interupted by Yachi’s shrill and angry tone. The sound of Hinata calling his friend a motherfucker was so strange to Kageyama, and he felt anger rise in him a little bit that his friends could be acting this way to each other. But . . . were they really still his friends? He didn’t even know anymore.

“Stop! Stop it, stop it, stop! You’re always doing this, and you have no place to talk about having a right to something when you have no right at all to be this bad about following a few orders from your _ superior _ , I’ll remind you!” his superior? Kageyama wondered what that meant. How in hell was that little blonde girl in charge of the redhead ex spiker in any way, shape, or form?

“Oh right, my  _ superior _ ! Because you’re letting the boss fuck you, we both know that’s the only reason! Or do you somehow sickly enjoy how she fucks you, Yachi?! Are you that fucking twisted on the inside?!” The accusation stopped Kageyama in his tracks. He had been walking closer to the house, his feet guiding him more than an actual desire to get closer to the angered voices.

“How DARE you-” the blonde girl was cut off.

“What? Speak the fucking truth?!” There was a sickly laugh, a cruel sounding thing. “C’mon, let’s be real, you’re nothing but a casual hole to her and we both know it!” The words were enough to make a silence occur, and Kageyama theorized that the sharp sound he’d heard right after Hinata said that was Yachi slapping the redheaded teen across the face. He couldn’t really blame her, not when Hinata had said something like  _ that _ .

“You’re acting all rebellious right now, but we both know that as soon as I threaten your little Tobio you’ll be right back around my pinky, you and your pathetic little thing you call love!” At the sound of his first name, Kageyama’s eyes widened. Why were they including him in their argument? What was even going on in the first place?

“Oh, I have a pathetic love?! Have you _ seen _ yourself?!” When Hinata didn’t deny that he was in love with Kageyama the dark haired boy took in a sharp inhalation of breath. His feelings were still reciprocated. While that was somewhat a relief, it was also some of the worst news that Kageyama had gotten in awhile. If Hinata was still in love with him then that meant so much and it made absolutely no sense at all.

Kageyama was starting to feel like he really shouldn’t be there, and started inching away when he felt a hand grab onto his forearm and drag him away from the house. He let out a little cry of alarm, but stopped when he saw that it was Oikawa.While the look in the tall brunette’s eyes was definitely scary, it wasn’t as bad to Kageyama as a kidnapper or something trying to sell him on the black market.

He was never actually scared of Oikawa, though the taller male was certainly intimidating if anything. Still, Oikawa was his senpai sort of. Though he generally disliked the brunette setter, he couldn’t deny that he still respected the intense skill that Oikawa had as well as the fact that Hinata seemed to trust him. Sure, maybe the fact that Hinata was the one to trust the taller male wasn’t very credible, Kageyama nevertheless wasn’t scared.

That is, until he was far enough from the house that he could hardly hear the noise anymore. That is, until he realized Oikawa had dragged him into a woods that Kageyama had no idea how to get out of safely or even at all. That is, until his back was slamming up against a tree roughly, scraping at his back through the material of Kageyama’s shirt. That is, until Oikawa pulled out a knife and held it up to Kageyama’s throat with that sharp steel look on his face.

“Oikawa - ?” He started, but was interrupted by the older male. The expression on Oikawa’s face turned a shade more regretful, and another shade conflicted.

“No. Shut up.” He followed the orders of the taller, even if only because he was very aware of the knife being held against his throat. “Listen to me, Kageyama, and listen closely. This is more important than your pathetic soap opera story with Hinata, and you need to accept that. Alright?”

He didn’t especially like the accusation that his confusing thing going on with the redhead was like a soap opera, but he nodded. There was a knife against his throat, he didn’t dare argue. “Alright,” his word came out sounding choked and terrified. His eyes were focused on where Oikawa was gripping the handle of the knife tightly. The fact that Oikawa had called them by Kageyama and Hinata instead of  Tobio-chan and Shou-chan could only mean that the tall brunette setter was more serious than he had been in front of Kageyama in a long time.

Contrary to his usual distaste towards hearing anything that came out of Kageyama’s mouth, Oikawa let out a slight sigh of what could possibly be relief at the raven haired boy’s response. “Good. Now, let me get this clear with you that I don’t actually hate you. Sure, you’re really goddamn annoying and you’re always messing with Hinata when I would really appreciate for you not to, but I don’t hate you. I don’t want to hurt you, I really don’t. Even so,” at those words Oikawa’s eyes narrowed.

“You shouldn’t doubt me when I say that I will. You’re walking a narrow line, and if you aren’t really  _ fucking _ careful you’re going to make more than just one person fall. There’s more at stake here than just your little whims and desires. If I’m considered selfish than it’s nothing compared to how you blindly tarnish people’s lives threaten their-” Oikawa noticed he was ranting and stopped. “Nevermind that.”

Kageyama didn’t dare to try and speak. Inwardly, his head was reeling. What was Oikawa even talking about? Whose life was he ruining by pursuing Hinata? Certainly not Oikawa’s. If Oikawa was getting hurt than it would only be because he had romantic feelings for the redhead, and if that was true then Kageyama thought that Oikawa had bigger problems than him. Namely, Iwaizumi.

That whole thing was honestly so confusing to him.

“What I want you to do is tell me that you’re going to stop chasing after Hinata, alright? Say it.” He didn’t especially  _ want _ to tell Oikawa that he was going to stay away from Hinata, but then again there was still that handy dandy knife pressed up against his throat. He wasn’t really in a position to be arguing with the tall and obviously ruffled brunette setter.

“I’m going to stop chasing after Hinata?” It came out as more of a question than a statement, and Kageyama winced as Oikawa pressed the tip of the knife harder against the skin of his throat. The raven haired boy felt a tiny trickle of blood creep down his throat and he closed his eyes hard.

“Are you fucking asking me?! Say it like you mean it, you pathetic piece of shit!” Kageyama felt panic rising in his body, and his breathing increased.

“I’m going to stop chasing after Hinata!” The raven haired boy practically yelled it out. “Was that good enough?” he asked, when the knife was pulled away. Kageyama rubbed at his neck, leaving a little smudge of red on the ghostly pale column of his throat. His adam’s apple bobbed as the blue eyed teen gulped nervously. Literally everything about the situation was bothering him.

Oikawa muttered something underneath his breath, and then turned to face the younger male with a blinding smile on his face. “Ah, you were perfect Tobio-chan, I’m very proud!” Before Kageyama could comment on the situation, Oikawa added, “Now, sleep tight!” and thrust his hand towards Kageyama’s face. He was holding a white cloth, and the world faded away before Kageyama’s eyes as he breathed in.

When the raven haired teen woke up, he was alone in the woods. The cloth, the knife, and Oikawa were no where near him. He was able to find his way out of the woods on shaky legs by following the places where he saw footprints. When he was finally out of those terrifying woods, he breathed in deeply. Oh, he would never take being alive for granted ever again!

As he walked towards the road, Hinata’s house came back into view. While there was no longer an overwhelming amount of sound coming out of the house, the lights were on. Kageyama was suddenly sorely tempted to burst through the doors and see if Oikawa was there, he wanted to prove that he had been able to get out of the woods fine on his own, and that he wasn’t fucking scared of that tall brunette setter.

Sadly, that wasn’t exactly true. Not after that experience, not when he could still practically feel the sharp prick of the tip of the knife up against his vulnerable throat. While the thought and the vague idea of bursting through the doors was more or less exhilarating and exciting, it was also . . . terrifying. Because Kageyama couldn’t help but feel like he had stopped playing around, and now he was deep in the danger zone without even knowing when he entered.

_ “Are you fucking asking me?! Say it like you mean it, you pathetic piece of shit!” _

_ “I’m going to stop chasing after Hinata!” _

The memories were coming back to him more or less slowly after he had woken up, and as they came back he was getting steadily more upset. He  . . . He’d never had a knife up against his throat before. He’d never really believed it when it looked like Oikawa could kill someone without blinking until that moment. Kageyama had never been scared for his life the way he had been. He had never . . . Oh god he hadn’t ever . . .

It was getting hard to breathe. His eyesight was blurring, and panic was overwhelming him. No matter what he did the air seemed to refuse to enter his lungs. Life was tragic and passing and oh god what was he going to  _ do _ ? He could feel his knees collapse from underneath him in some faraway world,but the place in his head was all red sirens and no breathing and he had never thought he’d be threatened like that. . .

After a while his lungs finally let him take in breathe, and he tried to do the thing where you breathe in and breathe out by threes. Breathe in . . . one . . . two . . . three . . . breathe out . . . one . . . two . . . three. Repeat. Breathe in . . . one . . . two . . . three . . . breathe out . . . one . . . two . . . three. Repeat. And so on and so forth. His eyesight finally cleared up, and he was aware of where he was again.

He started walking away from Hinata’s house after he got up. It wasn’t worth it to even think about going into that goddamn house, no it wasn’t. He was walking away with the wobble gone from his steps, and he didn’t even look back at that place once. No, not even once.

He walked all the way home. Although he saw plenty of bus stops, his feet were the only things he trusted at that moment. He couldn’t trust his lungs, no, and he couldn’t trust his eyes. He couldn’t trust his friends, no, he couldn’t trust Hinata and Yachi. But his feet had always tried to lead him to where he was meant to go, so that’s what he was willing to place his trust into at that time.

He did take the time to stop inside a convenience store to go into the bathroom and see how he looked. He winced at the state of his hair and at all the scrapes on his body. He cleaned the stain of red off of his neck and did his best to look like he hadn’t just been hit by a car. By the time he was done he didn’t look like a complete disaster, no he just looked ridiculously tired.

It was dark outside. He remembered the sun being in the middle of the sky when he set out to go to Hinata’s. Oh well.

When he got back to his apartment, his mother had cooked dinner for them. She looked worried, and hugged him tightly when he walked through the door, and then pulled back to scold him. “Kageyama Tobio! You have a cellphone for a reason, and it is not to ignore my texts and calls when I’m worried about you! Where even were you?! You look like shit, are you alright?! Oh god, I’m just glad you’re safe oh my god.” She kept rambling and scolding him and holding him tightly until his stomach rumbled, and she sheepishly pulled back.

“Oh, you’re hungry. I’m sorry, Tobio, I was just so worried about you. Especially since you’ve looked so tired and sad recently, I just - “ She cut herself off, and shrugged, sighing a tiny bit in relief. “Well, let’s just go eat, yeah?” He nodded gratefully, and they sat down to eat. She had cooked his favorite American food, which was macaroni and cheese. It made him brighten up a little bit, but he still felt awful.

They talked a little bit during the meal, but it was mostly just Kageyama’s mother trying to get him to open up about what he had been doing all day. At one point she even said, “Tobio, are you alright? You do know that if you need to talk I’m going to listen. I’ll never . . . hate you or anything like that, you can tell me anything, anytime.”

He nodded, but words were swirling around in his head.

_ “Are you fucking asking me?! Say it like you mean it, you pathetic piece of shit!” _

_ “I’m going to stop chasing after Hinata!” _

_ “Stop! Stop it, stop it, stop! You’re always doing this, and you have no place to talk about having a right to something when you have no right at all to be this bad about following a few orders from your  _ superior _ , I’ll remind you!” _

_ “You’re acting all rebellious right now, but we both know that as soon as I threaten your little Tobio you’ll be right back around my pinky, you and your pathetic little thing you call love!” _

_ “Oh, I have a pathetic love?! Have you  _ seen _ yourself?!” _

/“Oh, Kageyama. Your Mom? And how much attention has she even been paying you recently? I could tell you something about that, y’know. The reason that she’s always out recently and the reason that you think you’re living your life when you’re just walking yourself right to the line. You’re gonna cross it, Kageyama, before you even know it’s there. I’ve seen it happen before, to people smarter than you.”/

“Yeah, I know Mom. I’m okay, I mean it.”

She gave him a sad look. “Oh . . . okay then. Well, don’t stay up to late tonight, you’re graduating tomorrow after all! Exciting, right?” She sounded discouraged and worried, but he just kept staring at the ground.

“Right.”

  
  



	16. Chapter 16

Out of all of the people who could have approached Kageyama on the third day of his third year, Hinata was one of the last people that he would’ve expected. Not because they were on bad terms (more just confusing and complicated terms), but more because Kageyama finally understood the depth to which he really should not have been messing with Hinata. That led to him not trying to make the redhead talk to him, not even going out of his way to do as little as say hello to the smaller teen.

_“Are you fucking asking me?! Say it like you mean it, you pathetic piece of shit!”_

_“I’m going to stop chasing after Hinata!”_

He was still having a bit of trouble breathing if he thought about what had happened in the woods near Hinata’s house. The black haired boy kept having little flashbacks of Oikawa’s voice in his ear, of his promise to stay away from Hinata. Even in his sleep, he couldn’t evade the awful memories. He had dreams of that deadly expression, nightmares of that sharp point of the knife pressed up against the skin of his throat . . .

To say it simply, he hadn’t gotten over it. If the tall raven haired setter was being honest, he’d admit that after that encounter with the older setter he was scared shitless and would have stayed away from Hinata the best he could for the rest of his life. However, he wasn’t quite honest to himself all of the time, so he was at that point still keeping up the illusion within his own mind that he was okay. He could talk to Hinata whenever he wanted to, Kageyama just didn’t feel like it. Yeah, that was it.

_“Oh, I have a pathetic love?! Have you  seen yourself?!”_

It was also harder than he would’ve expected to stay away from the redhead. Sure, he had avoided Hinata after he got together with Tsukishima and all, but that had been a long time previous. For the last few months before that encounter in the woods, he had been trying to do whatever he could to look out for Hinata (sort of), and he had tried stupidly hard to get the redhead to open up to him and tell Kageyama what was going on.

So yes, it was harder than he had initially believed it would be to ignore the older redhead boy. Especially because he knew that Hinata still loved him, which was an entire new world of complicated being introduced to the already confusing one. Then, of course, there was the fact that nostalgia had seemed to have decided to attack Kageyama at all times that it could, so he could just be looking in Hinata’s direction and feel a pang in his heart.

All of this wound together with the fact that he was almost completely over Tsukishima (though he still had those lonely nights sometimes of staring up at ceilings and yearning for the blonde’s company one last time) gave him a nice fresh batch of hurt and puzzlement in his life, which he didn’t really need more of in the first place. So really, the last thing that Kageyama needed on that third day of being a third year was Hinata approaching him looking both concerned and angry.

The raven haired boy really hoped that Oikawa wouldn’t count Hinata talking to him first as a type of chasing after the redhead. That would really suck, and he didn’t want to deal with all of Oikawa’s confusing messiness in life, especially when he could still feel the ghost of a knife pressing up against his neck. Choking him. . . he couldn’t breathe . . . dark nights and waking up alone in a forest . . . no, he needed to stop thinking about all of that. It really wasn’t doing him any good. It was hard not to, though, with plenty of material to think about arriving him to torture him in his dreams every night.

The reason that Hinata came up to Kageyama was a little bit ironic to the taller yet younger teen. Although the entire reason that Oikawa had threatened the younger setter in the woods that time had been so that the raven haired teen would stay away from Hinata, the only thing that did was make Hinata approach Kageyama. The redhead had spotted the tiny scab on Kageyama’s neck, and had dragged him off to a bathroom in the middle of the school day so that he could ask him about what had happened.

It had all started on that third day whenever Kageyama had noticed Hinata staring at him. That gave him an underlying sense of slowly building panic, because the raven haired teen had no idea what lengths Oikawa was going to to make sure that he stayed away from Hinata. What if Hinata staring at him meant death for the raven haired teen? So Kageyama very deliberately ignored the redhead, focusing on his schoolwork instead.

He could still feel Hinata’s eyes on him though, focused on the small red mark on the otherwise pale blank skin. He didn’t want any of this, but at the same time he wanted to yell, “Fuck it,” and walk over and just kiss the redhead, or make him tell the raven haired boy what the hell he had gotten himself into. Still, he didn’t. It was something rather peculiar that kept him in his seat, not turning back to return the glance and not moving to imply he had even noticed Hinata staring at him in the first place.

Then, however, he heard the screeching sound of a chair being pushed back, and he knew Hinata was getting up. As the redhead walked past Kageyama’s desk, a small, crumpled up piece of paper landed on the desk. Kageyama heard Hinata ask to go to the bathroom in the back of his head, but all he was focusing on was the crumpled up ball of paper that he hadn’t dared read yet. He didn’t want to.

_“Are you fucking asking me?! Say it like you mean it, you pathetic piece of shit!”_

_“I’m going to stop chasing after Hinata!”_

He wanted to. With trembling fingers, he slowly unfolded the piece of paper and read the few words on it. It directed him to go to the bathroom nearest to their classroom, and he waited a minute before standing up. It would be simple to just stand up, walk over to the bin, and throw away the note as if it was nothing more than a piece of paper. But as he kept walking towards the front of the room to do just that, he somehow wound up asking the teacher if he could go to the bathroom.

He didn’t want to, but apparently he did, because there he was in the hallway, walking towards the bathroom Hinata wanted to meet him in. It . . . It wasn’t like he was scared of Oikawa in the first place or anything stupid like that, so why did it even matter? It didn’t, it shouldn’t have at least, and he kept trying to tell himself that no matter how much he wanted to turn back. What did Oikawa mean to him anyway?

_"You’re walking a narrow line, and if you aren’t really fucking careful you’re going to make more than just one person fall."_

Nothing.

_"There’s more at stake here than just your little whims and desires."_

Nothing at all.

As he entered the bathroom, he noticed the absence of anyone else there except Hinata. Whether that had happened by chance or providence or some crazy shit like that, Kageyama didn’t really  know. Maybe the redhead turned on his dark energy and scared away anyone else that was in there too make them leave the two third years alone. Either way, Kageyama was alone with Hinata, no backup and no distractions from the redhead in front of him.

“Tobio,” the smaller redhead boy greeted him in a cold voice as he entered, “thanks for coming. I didn’t know if you were going to, ah, ignore me or not.” The same way that you have been ignoring me recently.  There were unspoken words there, and Kageyama had become more attuned to hearing things like those over the years. He knew that Hinata was aware of his turn at playing the ignoring game. Hinata just didn’t know why.

“You’re one to talk,” Kageyama replied bluntly, leaning against a bathroom wall. He was more or less trying to feign a casual air, when he really just felt as tense as something about to snap. Like a rubber band, he was thrumming with the potential to just break and go ballistic at any second. Or  . . . or was that Hinata that could go ballistic any second? Really, it was getting harder to tell which of them was more messed up.

Hinata huffed a little bit, and mumbled, “Not like you, though. Not you recently, that is.” Ah, there it was. The mention of when Kageyama ignored Hinata earlier when the raven haired boy was still dating Tsukishima. Of course the redhead would bring that  up, even if it was just indirectly. Of course.

The blue eyed teen simply shrugged at that and quoted Hinata’s own words from a long time previous at the redhead. “Things change. People change. Get over it.” There was a visible reaction on Hinata’s face when Kageyama used the shorter teen’s own words against him, and Hinata clenched his jaw a little bit. Kageyama didn’t even know why he was testing the older so much, maybe it was how nervous he was.

Maybe it was because he knew he was already deep, so it didn’t matter if he was six feet or a hundred. Either way he was screwed, and either way he might as well dig just a little bit deeper.

Hinata looked like he was about to respond, but then the redhead dropped his fight out of him with a small sigh, and took a few steps towards Kageyama instead. “Whatever. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about anyway, and I think that you know it. I wanted to know,” Hinata was closer now, his thin fingers stretching out, “Where the hell you got this.” His fingers lightly brushed the spot where Kageyama had a scab on his throat, and the raven haired boy winced.

He gently grabbed Hinata’s wrist, moving the fingers away from his neck a little bit. With the ghostly feeling still haunting him, he did not need even more of a feeling on his neck where the knife had been. No, no, no. He didn’t feel like not being able to breathe that day. “Does it even matter?” he asked Hinata, trying to make the older boy stop talking about it. He had a creeping suspicion that things would not go well if Hinata knew who had drawn a bit of blood from his neck.

The light reflected sharply in Hinata’s eyes for a moment, as the expression on the shorter teen’s face turned a shade more serious and upset, not to mention dangerous. He let out a little huff of annoyance at Kageyama. “Um, of course?! Tobio, who was it that did this to you?! Tell me.” There was a commanding tone of voice underlying in Hinata’s words, and it was bothering Kageyama how eerily similar it was to Oikawa’s.

_“What I want you to do is tell me that you’re going to stop chasing after Hinata, alright? Say it.”_

He turned his face away so that he wasn’t facing the redhead. Hinata had gotten so close to him, whether on purpose or not, that he could literally count the smaller teen’s eyelashes. He could feel hot puffs of air escaping Hinata’s mouth against his skin, and it was making him want to just lean down and kiss Hinata, which was a bad idea. “It’s nothing, Shouyou. I just - scratched my neck while doing homework. I didn’t notice that it bled a little bit. That’s all.”

The redhead took his hand not in Kageyama’s grasp to turn the taller boy’s head to be facing him again, his eyes looking disbelieving. “Oh really? It’s just a scratch from you?” Kageyama nodded in a response, and Hinata rolled his eyes at him. “Oh come on, Tobio! How stupid do you think I am?!” Words were still swirling around inside of Kageyama’s head, and he couldn’t focus on the present. He needed to distract Hinata.

_“Oh right, my superior! Because you’re letting the boss fuck you, we both know that’s the only reason! Or do you somehow sickly enjoy how she fucks you, Yachi?! Are you that fucking twisted on the inside?!_

“Why did you call Yachi a casual hole?” Hinata’s fingers stuttered on Kageyama’s skin. The redhead’s eyes widened, and he drew his hand out of the blue eyed boy’s grasp slowly, and took a step away from him. Like he was distancing himself from something dangerous.

“What . . . What do you mean? When did you hear that? What does that have to do with the mark on your neck?” Hinata asked all of the questions whilst staring at the raven haired boy through narrowed eyes. Kageyama noticed how Hinata never said that he didn’t say that, but he didn’t say that he did either. He was avoiding answering the taller teenager just as much as he was avoiding answering the redhead.

“Why did she say that she was your superior? Is she your boss or something? Why? How?” Kageyama fired back. He saw the disbelief cross over his face, and smirked to himself on the inside. Outwardly he didn’t say or show anything else. He needed Hinata to stop asking about what could potentially lead to the redhead finding out about what Oikawa had done.

“You - stop. No. You didn’t hear anything, okay? Don’t bring any of that up. I don’t know how you heard in the first place, but I don’t need to. Please, actually, don’t tell me how you know - or don’t know - any of those words. Just - tell me what’s going on with you, okay?!” Hinata’s face was contorted, and Kageyama could tell that the older teenager did not like the way that this conversation was playing out.

“Tell  you  what’s going on with me? You realize how stupid that sounds after everything, after all of the times I begged you to tell me what the hell was going on with you?! You’re such a fucking - ugh! I can’t believe you. You have no right to ask me about what’s going on with me, Shouyou.” He had avoided answering the boy in front of him, and that was all that really mattered to him at that point.

Hinata huffed and stomped his foot, like a two year old having a tantrum. “Stealing my words, are you?”

“No, just seeing how you like them when you’re faced with them instead of me.”

“Oh come on-”

“Are you in love with me?” Kageyama had stopped the smaller teen with the few words that he actually hadn’t expected from the raven haired boy at that moment.

“I . . . “ Hinata’s face was suddenly very, very open. Hurt and the slightest tinge of hope decorated his features. It was tearing at Kageyama inside. The redhead looked to the side, a scowl trying its h  spring up in his chest anyway.

He was silent for too long in response to what Hinata said, and the redhead looked back up at him with anguish hiding inside of his eyes. “Tobio - “

“Come back to the volleyball team.”

He hadn’t meant to say that, he hadn’t even formed the words in his brain before he let them vault off of his tongue and into Hinata’s eyes. But they were out there, and he couldn’t take them back if he wanted to. Hinata’s eyes widened, and he looked surprised but regretful. “T-Tobio. You know that I can’t do that.” The words weren’t crafted to hurt the raven haired teenager, but that’s what they did nevertheless.

“Why not? Come back to the team, Shoyou. Come back to us.”

“ . . . I-”

“Come back to me.”

The words were simple, yet they made Hinata look more tortured than he had let himself be seen as for awhile. Kageyama didn’t make any attempt to edit what he had meant in Hinata’s eyes, because he had been wanting to say that for awhile. In all of their confusion and mess, he wanted a little bit of truth to come back. And that, well . . . it was a very raw form of the truth. He wanted Hinata to make the move to come back to him.

“I’m sorry.” Kageyama sighed a tiny bit, he had known that was coming. Of course it had been coming. Why would Hinata come back? He had complications and confusions built together to form an impossibly high house of cards, and just about anything could cause it to topple. Of course Hinata wouldn’t be willing to make the risk for him. (Somewhere in the back of his head Kageyama realized he had maybe done too good of a job distracting Hinata from the mark on his neck.) “I just . . . can’t -”

This time is wasn’t Kageyama to cut off Hinata. It was none other than Yachi.

_“You’re acting all rebellious right now, but we both know that as soon as I threaten your little Tobio you’ll be right back around my pinky, you and your pathetic little thing you call love!”_

“Why not?”

They both turned to see Yachi standing in the middle of the entrance of the boy’s bathroom. “What are you doing in here, Yachi?!” Hinata demanded. She rolled her eyes, but continued with what she was saying.

“Why can’t you return to the volleyball team, Hinata? I see no reason. After all this fight you’ve put up, I still don’t see why you won’t return to your beloved sport.” Kageyama made a connection, and he wondered if the fight that Hinata and Yachi had been having that he overheard was over the very matter being brought up in the boy’s bathroom. Meanwhile, the redhead was looking at Yachi like she was ripping him apart.

“C’mon, Shouyou,” she was speaking in a sickly sweet tone, and Kageyama realized he knew for certain how he liked about this new Yachi. He didn’t like her. He wanted the one who had called for Tanaka to split up their fight, not the one who seemed to be practically edging one on with a sadistic smirk. So what if she was convincing Hinata to do something he wanted? “Don’t you want to run back to your little team? The one with your little setter who you hide your feelings for, the one with me right there _all the time_ , your caring friends all with you every day and everyone _asking you how you’re doing, and_ \- “

“Fucking shut up. Fine. Just stop it. Just shut the hell up.” Hinata sounded tormented, and Yachi looked way too pleased with herself. Kageyama wondered what it was about volleyball that had made Hinata leave in the first place. He couldn’t help but think that maybe Natsu’s death hadn’t been the cause for Hinata leaving. That didn’t make very much sense, did it? Wouldn’t Hinata hide in his comfort sport, not abandon it?

“Awe, Shoyou. You hurt me. Really. Right here.” Yachi put her hand over her heart with a somewhat mocking expression on his face. Kageyama couldn’t help but feel like he was experiencing the lite version of an argument that had spanned longer than just a few minutes in the boy’s bathroom. Hinata sounded absolutely done, and Yachi had the worst attitude of a victor that Kageyama had seen in awhile. It was sickly.

“Can you leave me alone now?” The question was posed with a tired voice, and the raven haired boy wanted to say something, do something, but anything that he could do would make him feel like he was imposing on a moment he most certainly did not belong in. Yachi rolled her eyes again, and walked up to grasp Hinata’s arm.

“No. You’re coming with me back to class. You need to be getting good grades, remember?” Her voice sounded like she was talking to a two year old, and Hinata drooped his shoulders in defeat before walking away with her, not even glancing back at Kageyama. The raven haired boy wanted to call out, wanted to stop them somehow and make them explain what was going on to him, but the expression on Yachi’s face stopped him. It reminded him of nights in the woods and a knife up against his neck, and it was all he could do just to breathe normally.

_“Are you fucking asking me?! Say it like you mean it, you pathetic piece of shit!”_

_“I’m going to stop chasing after Hinata!”_

So that left Kageyama alone in a bathroom, with way too many words swirling around in his head and way too many memories affecting him at once. He experienced another one of those times where being able to breathe evaded him like it hated him. It was hurting and he hated it and oh god he could feel the knife still pressing up against his throat and he knew it shouldn’t be such a big deal but he had never known death as a possibility the same way as he had in those woods and -

No. He needed to calm down, he needed to breathe. He needed to breathe, he needed air and he was dying . . . and he was fine. He would be alright.

_“Things change. People change. Get over it.”_

It didn’t hurt. He wouldn’t let it hurt him.

_“Hearts.”_

Not anymore.

That day Hinata was at volleyball practice. It was only the third day, so the first years didn’t really see anything amiss with the redhead not being there there first day. The second and other third years, though, were all made up of agape jaws and questions of why Hinata was back and telling him how much they missed him. Hinata just stood there awkwardly, indirectly answering each question and smiling faintly at each compliment or word of how much he had been missed. Then, Yachi took him to the side for a moment.

Kageyama saw Hinata’s face change minutely. No one else would have been able to see it, but it was the reason that Hinata came back to them and suddenly was acting just as smiley and energetic as ever. It was like an itch that Kageyama couldn’t scratch, seeing Hinata acting like that. Because really, that’s all that it was. An act. He knew Hinata better than anyone else there (Except maybe Yachi, which was an aggravating thought to him) and he knew that the redhead really did not feel like smiling at that point in his life.

Still, Hinata was a good actor. He had been doing it for awhile, longer than even Kageyama was sure of. Maybe he had started while they had still been dating, maybe before then. Who knew how long Hinata’s parents had been fighting and the redhead had still come to school pretending everything was fine. Who knew how many things Hinata had been balancing long before the whole Yachi/Oikawa mess had started up too.

Kageyama wanted to be the one to be able to pull Hinata away from practice, except he’d be different from Yachi. He wouldn’t make Hinata pretend he was the same smiley person he had been in their first year. The raven haired boy could tell that doing that was driving the redheaded boy up the wall, and he hated seeing Hinata like that. Really, it was hard looking at Hinata without wanting to exchange a few choice words with Hinata, Yachi, Oikawa, and a whole bunch of other people that seemed to be fucking with the small redhead’s life. Why couldn’t they stop piling more complications on top of everything?

When would it be enough?

The raven haired setter was having a hard time also with the fact that Yachi was there and he had no idea what that meant regarding Oikawa. If Kageyama spoke  with Hinata during practice, would Yachi tell the older setter and then Oikawa would come after him? Or was she against Oikawa? Or maybe, she could tell him to stay away from Kageyama  since she was his superior? Somehow?

The next day, Kageyama didn’t really think about Hinata as much, strangely. It wasn’t because he suddenly stopped caring about the redhead, or because he had some weird case of amnesia. It wasn’t because something happened to his mom that distracted him from the other boy, and it wasn’t anything negative. It wasn’t really something that was bad or anything like that, at least.

It was just because of the way that Yamaguchi walked into practice with a bright smile on his face and his hand holding Tsukishima’s. It had something to do with the way Tsukishima looked happier than he had seemed in a while, and the way that Yamaguchi seemed to be floating through everything. It was because of every smile that the two shared that they thought they were hiding but were actually being crazily obvious with. It was the slight glow you could almost see radiating from the two.

Really, Kageyama was distracted from Hinata because Tsukishima had finally asked Yamaguchi out (and obviously the bruenette captain said yes). Though that wasn’t a surprise to Kageyama, not at all, he was still taken aback by it. For some reason unknown to him he just hadn’t seen it coming as much as they obviously had. Sure, he knew it was most likely going to happen sometime soon, but he had just felt like they would wait a little bit longer before becoming official. Obviously, he was wrong.

It didn’t bother Kageyama that Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were dating, it just felt… weird. He couldn’t quite place why it felt so odd for him to see the new captain holding their resident surly blonde’s hand. Maybe it was because he still knew exactly what it felt like to be the person holding that very hand. Maybe because he still remembered exactly what Tsukishima’s eyes looked like in the morning after a night together and he wasn’t hiding anything.  Maybe it was because it was strange for it to be anyone other than him kissing those lips, though he hadn’t seen that quite yet he knew it had probably happened.

“Hey, Yamaguchi,” Kageyama said during practice. Because Kageyama was the second in command he and Yamaguchi were already talking over how to take advantage of certain players strengths. Yamaguchi had somehow become a real friend for the raven, so it didn’t feel weird to call out Yamaguchi’s name in a fond way anymore. It didn’t feel foreign on his tongue like it might’ve awhile previous

The brunette captain turned to face Kageyama. They were standing on the sidelines of practice, watching their new first years and the returning second years as well as the other two third years. They were technically supposed to be seeing how they interacted and synced with each other and how to make that work better, but Kageyama just wanted to know for certain what was going on between Yamaguchi and Tsukishima.

“Yeah? What’s up, Kageyama?” the captain asked. Kageyama took a few steps closer to Yamaguchi and subtly pointed in the surly blonde blocker’s direction. He didn’t even ask, he just did the point thing, jerked his head slightly in that direction as well, and raised his eyebrows. Over the past time that he had let Yamaguchi in, they had gotten better at communicating nonverbally. A slight blush rose on Yamaguchi’s cheeks, and the raven haired boy knew that the message had gotten across, more or less.

Yamaguchi deliberately turned away from Kageyama, and whispered. “You’re a bully.” The raven haired boy snorted at that, and let himself smile a little bit. Damn it was nice having a friend he could count on not to be dangerous and/or messed up somewhere inside and several places outside.

“Yeah, sure. Last night, was it?” He asked, his voice sounding not quite as happy for Yamaguchi as he was. Not to get him wrong, he was happy for his friend, but he just hadn’t quite decided yet if he liked the overwhelming feeling inside of him. It was the same feeling he got whenever he heard Tsukishima’s name mentioned, or when he saw a picture of his ex boyfriend.

It was the feeling of moving on.

Yamaguchi nodded, smiling faintly despite himself. “Yeah, um, he kissed me. I was really awkward about it-” the brunette captain cringed at his memory, “- but he was all cool and collected. And now … we’re dating. He’s my boyfriend.” Kageyama could see his friend brighten at saying those words out loud, and felt a strange feeling like he was proud of Yamaguchi rise in his chest.

“I’m happy for you,” Kageyama said in a voice that pretended like that meant nothing. Inwardly, they both knew that the simple statement meant far more than Kageyama had let it seem.  

“Are you?” Yamaguchi asked, sounding unsure and hesitant and like he was afraid to hurt his friend.

Kageyama thought of blonde hair and wry smiles in the twilight.

Of shared nights and cleaning up before his mom came home from a trip.

Of times that were in the past, and better off that way.

“Yeah,” he said, and he knew he was speaking the truth. “I really am.”

Yamaguchi visibly relaxed. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

  
(And moving on, Kageyama decided, wasn’t a feeling that he disliked. No, it reminded him very much of another feeling that he actually enjoyed quite a bit - being free.)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was edited by my dear friend SilverDragon00, you should all check out their fics!! I swear, some of the best writing you will ever read.

Moving on is a tricky sort of thing. For the first part, it involves having something to move on from, which is difficult, It isn’t like as soon as you have something precious you are alerted, or that you even need to get rid of it and move the fuck on from the thing once you have. Not all precious things are bad for you, not every habit is one that you need to break. But sometimes, there are those times when something hurts you deeply and despite everything inside you screaming with alarm bells and siren and red lights, you can’t help but still call it beautiful.

The first part of recovery isn’t admitting you have a problem, it’s making one in the first place. If you can avoid that first step and listen to the warning bells, then you’re golden. However, many people just get wrapped up in their new habit, their new addiction. They couldn’t care less about whether or not it’s slowly killing them inside, they couldn’t care less about whether or not they are crumbling apart and going black inside and out, poisoned and destroyed but it seems so poetic that they can’t help but smile.

The problem is that even if you accept if it’s a problem, even if you know that you are _dying_ and hurting yourself on  ridiculous level, the real problem is that many people don’t want to get better. If you know and have accepted that you have a problem, sure that’s an important step and oh how wonderful that you’ve finally accepted it. But if you don’t care about how you’re ruining yourself, all you care about is your addiction, then accepting doesn’t mean anything.

Maybe that’s the scariest for someone, when they realize they’re dying slowly but they wouldn’t stop if they wanted to.

Kageyama wondered if that was how Hinata was feeling. Though the raven was still more or less clueless on what exactly was hurting and burdening on the small redheaded teenager so much, he could tell that it was grating on Hinata. It’s easy for someone to look at a smoker and tell them that they’re slowly killing themself, but the smoker themself might just deny, deny, deny. It was like that in how Kageyama could tell that Hinata was crumbling inside out from something, and the redhead most likely wasn’t even accepting that.

Or maybe Hinata didn’t care.

Whichever it was, Kageyama couldn’t tell if helping Hinata was his own personal addiction, his own specifically chosen poison. If Hinata was… the raven haired setter wasn’t exactly sure if he even minded. That was what really scared him, when he realized Hinata might be killing him from the inside out and he wouldn’t know. He let himself wonder and pretend, and decided with an ugly introspective light that he wouldn’t even mind.

Well. He would mind. But not in the exactly conventional sense. It wasn’t so much that he would mind it being Hinata that found a destructive outlet inside of him. It was more of a sense that he wanted Hinata to love him, or at least stop confusing him at every single turn. If Hinata told him what the fuck was going on that wa driving him and everything else insane, then maybe he wouldn’t care if it was the redhead to stab him through the heart.

Being fucked up is a little bit scary to accept, but Kageyama figured he had known they were fucked up for longer than just since the day Oikawa held a knife up against his throat.  He had known he was fucked up before he had the nightmares. He had known he was fucked up before he even broke up with Tsukishima. He had known he was fucked up before he had even gotten together with the surly blonde blocker.

He had been fucked up, he figured, since the time he learned that he didn’t have a dad like the other kids at school had a father. He had been fucked up since the time he wanted to scream because he didn’t know why he didn’t like girls the way that the other boys did, he liked the boys the way the other kids liked girls. He had been fucked up long before he kissed Hinata in that cafe on Valentine’s day, he had been fucked up before his first thursday with Hinata.

Hell, he had been fucked up before he saw his boyfriend kissing other people with liquor on his lips and lust in his eyes. That hadn’t been the cherry on top, but maybe it had been another scoop of ice cream on the metaphorical ice cream cone of how fucked up he was. It was getting to be too tall, and he knew he was going to fall sooner than later, the fucked up can only accomplish so much before they succumb to their inner demons and _go wild._

Maybe it was scaring him more than he let himself accept. It only came into the light in his dreams, the ones where he was running through dark woods and watching terrible things happen. The ones he’d been having since he was a kid where he saw his mother die. The ones he’d been having since he learned the truth about his father and saw a faceless man kill his mother by pushing her down the stairs.

There were the dreams where he entered houses to try and find something he could never remember when he woke up, and he never escaped. There were the ones where he saw people being tortured and murdered, and he couldn’t make himself wake up. There were the ones where they were soft bad dreams just with a terror tone overwhelming them, the ones that are silly when you wake up but chilling while you occupy them. Then, there were the ones where he couldn’t even breathe and wanted to disappear and he always awoke by-

_Screaming._

He was screaming again, and he quickly shut his mouth. He needed to not wake up his mom. His sheets were soaked in sweat, and there were goosebumps all over the raven haired setter’s skin. All of the hairs on his body felt like they were standing up, and he had the strangest feeling that, even though he was laying down, there was someone behind him. Kageyama hated nights like those, the ones where he wakes up at four in the morning and can’t get the dreams out of his head the entire day and then some.

Kageyama sighed, and sat up in his bed. It was clear that he wasn’t going to be getting any more sleep. He could always call Yamaguchi, and talk to him. The raven haired setter had told the captain about the dreams in a moment of weakness, and the captain insisted that Kageyama needed to talk to him about them the next time or anytime that he needed to. Still though, Yamaguchi was probably asleep and Kageyama refused to be anyone’s burden.

There was always Kageyama’s mom, asleep in the very same apartment. He knew that if he ever needed help with his nightmares or even anything, his mother would be all over herself doing whatever she could to help him. It might have been selfish, he knew, but he didn’t want to go running to someone whenever his mind was plaguing him again. He need to suck it up and get over himself, and he could only rely on himself (not even himself, really, his mind was his own enemy on so many levels) for that.

If there was one thing Kageyama was good at, it was denial. And he was hella good at denying that.

The next day (Or that day, he supposed, since it was two in the morning) was Monday, and he was due to talk to the first years with Yamaguchi about the practice match they had scheduled with Nekoma. The cat team was travelling to meet them, and Kageyama and the captain needed to give the team the talk about their particular relationship with Nekoma. Also they would tell them who would be playing in the game and who would be sitting on the bench.

Though some of the first years had promising talents, they were having only second and third years playing against Nekoma due to the fact it was only the third week of the school and Nekoma needed to be shown that Karasuno was just as strong as it had been when it had last years third years. A pang of nostalgia always invaded Kageyama when he remembered that he was a third year, and in a year no one from the original team of his first year would be there.

For that matter, no one from other teams would be the same as his first year either.

It was strange to think about it, but even just Nekoma was a good example. In his first year Kuroo had been on the team, and there had been Kenma and Yaku and Lev and god everyone else and it tore Kageyama apart to think that they weren’t that team anymore. The same team, yes, but at the same time no. Only Lev was the captain and ace now, and that somehow made Kageyama smile.

Still … that training camp with the cats and owls and all that first year had been such an impression on him. They had grown so much and made friends and learned while they were there, and almost no one from those teams were even still on them anymore. Some of them didn’t even play volleyball anymore in university, and some of them did but only as a way to pass the time. In one more year no one from that first year would be on those teams anymore, and that hurt Kageyama in a weird way.

Shit, some of the members from those original teams in his first year weren’t even alive anymore. Bokuto… shit. It still tore him up to think about it. His fist clenched when he thought of that motherfucking stupid gang. What did Bokuto do to deserve to die? He doubted that the energetic man had ever truly been involved with them, he had probably just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. That sent a white hot spike of anger through Kageyama. Who were those Queens to decide who got to live and who died?

He tried to relax his fist. Getting all fired up about some stupid gang wouldn’t get anything done, or at least anything productive. The next things he should have tried to do was get at least a little more sleep, but he wasn’t willing to get caught up into that mess of nightmares again. Instead he went to his kitchen and started heating up water for some tea. He might as well,it wasn’t like he was going to be getting any more rest.

When his mother came into the kitchen that morning  hours later for work preparation, she noticed Kageyama just standing by the window and drinking tea. A sad look crossed her face and went unseen by the tall blue eyed setter, and she sighed. One of the worst punishments the world can give you is when you’re unable to help someone that you love out of a painful rut.

Punishment for what, exactly?

Well, that was another matter.

That day at school, Kageyama learned more about the phrase ‘a false sense of security.’ Though he didn’t realize it till practice, he had been letting his guard down all day.  After having that nightmare, he had unknowingly been reaching out for something to comfort him, and so when time after time something close to good happened he was relaxing. Every mediocre happening boosted his mood, till at volleyball practice he was actually feeling better since his dream that night/morning.

And then he saw her and it all came crashing down. Not Yachi, no, she wasn’t a monster in his eyes or quite awful enough to completely bring him down if he was in a good mood simply by seeing her. She was just another complication or stressor in his life. No, the person that he saw and managed to make him feel suddenly alone and powerless was none other than Shimizu Kiyoko.

It wasn’t that she had a glare on her face or anything, or that she had gotten scarily ugly after high school. No, she was prettier than ever and actually smiling this serene, accomplished smile. She was wearing jean cut offs and a red  flannel and looking soft, like she might hug you or laugh at your stupid joke. But the second that she saw Kageyama a glint crossed her eyes, and the tall raven haired setter couldn’t breathe because that glint felt as sharp as Oikawa’s knife had felt that night in the woods, daringly and threateningly on his neck.

He hated not being able to breathe.

It made him feel powerless.

It made him feel weak.

It made him feel like a burden.

It made him want to scream.

He bottled that all up, however, and only let his foot hesitate for a second when stepping into the gym and seeing Shimizu. She gave him a cold smile, one that might fool other people into believing that she was friends with Kageyama and not someone that he actually strangely was growing to fear. Had Tanaka or Noya been there they might be jealous of the smile (only might have been, as Noya was actually very happy with Asahi and Tanaka had come out to all of them as bisexual, leaning towards guys more than girls).

“Hello, Kageyama-kun,” she greeted him, Yachi standing by her side. Yachi had let her hair grow out and it was now longer than Shimizu’s when they stood next to each other, which made Kageyama do a little bit of a double take. They had grown up so much since their first year, and stupid things like hair length were giving him random pangs of nostalgia. It was weird, and he was pretty sure that he didn’t like it.

“Hello,” he responded, his voice not echoing the hollowness he was feeling inside. Instead he sounded almost like he was happy to see her, if not maybe a little impolite. Her face didn’t show any signs of discomfort, if anything she seemed much less shy than she had in his first year. Once again, nostalgia was trying to worm it’s way into his emotions, and he decided that he wasn’t really enjoying that at all. It was like regret but not, like a sense of being wistful was turned up to full volume and he had no choice but to succumb to it and have that weird echoey feeling accompany him all day.

He tried his best to smile back at Shimizu, and  hoped that it didn’t look as much of a grimace as it felt to him.

They manage to progress through all of practice without an issue coming up, though Yamaguchi notices how tense the raven haired teen is. However, at the end of practice Kageyama’s problems started. It seemed like he would be able to leave without a hitch until right before he walked through the door and into freedom. “Kageyama?” Shimizu called. “I was hoping to be able to talk to you about something, if you don’t mind.”

His brain was screaming that yes he minded a lot and he wanted to go home not talk to her, but instead he turned around to face her. He hoped that the looks he had plastered across his face was a pleasant one, and that she couldn’t tell how much he wanted to get the fuck away from her in that moment. “Ah, of course I don’t mind,” he forced himself to say. Every step he took towards her felt heavy.

Hinata wasn’t sticking around to see how it was going to go. There was a dark look on his face and his eyes looked wary when he passed the raven haired teen. The redhead bumped into him, seemingly accidentally, and whispered, “Good luck,” to Kageyama. Though the dark haired male hadn’t believed in luck for years, he knew he was going to need it.  He took all that he had inside himself not to sigh as he was the only one left in the gym with Shimizu.

“Oh good, we’re finally alone,” she commented in a neutral tone. He nodded, his shoulders tense and his mouth a firm unsmiling line. She looked up for a second, as if gathering her thoughts. He took that single moment to prepare himself for the worst. Who knew what she was going to say to him. When she looked back down at him, she had that steely sharp expression on her face and he knew that she was out to win. What she was winning, he wasn’t sure, but she looked like she wasn’t afraid to go all out to get it.

“Um, what do you want to talk to me about?” he asked. The tall blue eyed setter was dreading the answer. He didn’t even really know why, maybe it was just because of that subtle unease that crept into his veins because of his close proximity to Shimizu. It was bothering him, because he did not want to feel weak. He knew that he wasn’t, and he was tired of feeling that way.

She took a step closer to him. “Kageyama, I understand that my friend Tooru had a conversation with you not too long ago. I don’t know the details exactly.” Her smile suggested that she did and didn’t care. “What I do know, is that the gist of it was to stay away from my other good friend, one we share. Shoyou.” The conversation had barely begun and Kageyama already felt incredibly close to making the wrong move.

Shimizu didn’t appear to have a knife like Oikawa did, but something told Kageyama she didn’t need one.

“I came here to revisit all of you, as you know, and I found out that Yachi has been telling you more or less the same thing. I’m sure you’re very sick of hearing it over and over again, stay away from Hinata and all that. But I have something different to tell you. Or, I suppose, ask of you. A small favor, if you will.” While her expression was more or less pleasant, her tone was borderline threatening.

“A favor?” he asked. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to do anything for her. Then, Kageyama reminded himself that she had technically never done anything to deserve all of the mistrust he sent her way and thought of when he was reminded of her. Why couldn’t he do a favor for her? Sure, they weren’t really good friends or anything, but he was trying to be nicer lately. You need that quality to be a second in command.

“Yes. Though, really, it will more be a favor to yourself. All I need you to do is ask Hinata about Argos and argine. Or the meaning of Regina. Or his gambler friend. See how he reacts.” Kageyama felt his brain cloud over with fog of confusion. Who were those people? Or what were those things? And, most importantly, why did Shimizu want him to talk to Hinata about what they were or who they were?

“But - I thought you would want me to stay away from Hinata. Just like Yachi and Oikawa,” he voiced his thought, his eyebrows furrowed together. She nodded in response to what he said, her neutral expression never fading or wavering on her face. She was like a queen, regal, cold, and mighty.

“Oh believe me, I do. If I thought that getting you to stay away from Hinata could be achieved by force or my own words I would do what I could. But I’ve thought about it, and I know that you aren’t a weak person, Kageyama. Your will doesn’t just bend because of what others say or do. You make your own decisions a lot of the time, and I can respect that.” Her words were somewhat flattering, and he tried not to let them judge for him.

He tilted his head to the side a little bit. “Then why are you sending me to go talk to him about the meaning of regina and Argon and gamblers then?” She sighed a little bit, still not losing her composure though.

“ _Regina, Argos and Argine,_ and his gambler _friend_. Remember that.” He nodded, and she went on. “I’m sending you to go talk to him because of what I just told you. You make your own decisions. However, I feel like you’ve prematurely made a decision to disregard what yachi and Oikawa have told you. I’m giving you the tools to make your own choice, and to really see why it should be the one that we have been suggesting this whole time.”

“Oh,” he replied, thinking it over. He felt oddly threatened. Even though her tone was not that sharp and her appearance was soft, he felt like he could be killed by her and it would be no big surprise. He decided not to tell her that, as she might take offense. Then again, she might decide to take it as a compliment, but Kageyama was fairly certain that she would not.

She nodded, and started walking away. “Think about what I said,” she told him. As she neared the gym door she hesitated, and said her last piece before leaving the room completely. “If there’s one thing that I have learned in life, it is that choices are sometimes the things that define us the most. I hope you make the right one, for your sake and for others as well.”

_“You’re walking a narrow line, and if you aren’t really /fucking/ careful you’re going to make more than just one person fall. There’s more at stake here than just your little whims and desires.”_

He stood alone in the gym for a few minutes afterwards, and wondered a lot of things in a short amount of time.

That evening he was getting ready for bed and words were still busy swirling around inside of his head. He decided to pull out his laptop and look up some of those things that Shimizu had said. He pulled up the search bar and typed in ‘Regina meanings.’ The first thing to pop up said, ‘ _Behind the Name:_ **_Meaning_ ** _, origin and history of the name_ **_Regina_ ** _. Means "queen" in Latin (or Italian).’_ He blinked at that. He didn’t know why, but that felt like something important to him. He shrugged and moved on to the next thing that Shimizu had said.

Had it been Argos? Argon? He was pretty sure she had said Argos. And another a-word. Arginine? No. Argine? That seemed right. He typed ‘Argine and Argos’ into the search bar, and a few websites popped up. The first one wanted to sell him something, so he ignored it. The next one, however, was an online encyclopedia entry titled ‘Queen of Clubs.’

He clicked on it.

‘ _The_ **_Queen of clubs_ ** _(Q♣) is one of 52 playing cards in a standard deck: the Queen of the suit of Clubs (♣). The card is also featured in standard 56-card decks. It has a picture of a queen (which has a nominal value of 12) and pictures of clubs, signifying that it is a part of the clubs suit.’_ He still had no idea what any of it meant, but he felt oddly close to discovering something. Maybe Shimizu had been helpful after all.

He skimmed through the rest of the article. ‘ _As Queens, they are aware of their place in society (the "royal court"), and resist change in character. As the Three of Hearts is its displaced card, The Queen of Clubs represents "indecision about love and friendship" and means it is hard for them to find success in these areas… In The Eight Clubs, the Queen of Clubs signifies: "An affectionate woman, but quick-tempered and touchy". If the card is reversed, it symbolises jealousy and maliciousness... The club represents the number three, and in French cards represents an acorn. The Parisians developed historical and mythical names for the various picture cards. They called the Queen of Clubs "Argine" (an anagram for regina, which means Queen). The name may also be connected to the Greek "Argos".’_

He felt so close to understanding, it was like an itch he could not scratch. Why were all of these puzzle pieces just confusing him more? He kept thinking he had finally almost got it only to realize that the puzzle was bigger than he had previously thought.  Then, he one of the words swirling around in his head clicked. It was a word that he had looked up before and still never made sense, but he felt an overwhelming feeling that he had made a breakthrough of some sort.

_“Hearts.”_

He was about to type that into his search bar as well when someone knocked on his door, presumably his mom. He hid a groan, and closed his laptop, exiting out of his tabs and clearing his history before he did. He didn’t want his mother looking through it for some reason and seeing that (though his mother didn’t ever look at his history or even use his laptop, he was just being careful). “Come in,” he called out.

The door opened, and he prepared some little lie inside of his head that he hadn’t had a nightmare the night before, or that he was fine and she didn’t need to worry about him as much as she did. Something along the lines of her overreacting and he was just a bit stressed because of school. However, he was shocked for a moment to see that it wasn’t his mom entering his room and closing the door behind her. It was none other than Hinata.

“Shouyou? What are you doing here-” he got cut off, and Hinata continued walking towards him.

“It was cold.”

“... What?” Kageyama was just a tad bit confused.

“I never did know how to work the thermostat. Natsu knew how to, but I didn’t. My dad isn’t home tonight, and it was cold. I don’t want to be cold anymore. And you’re… you’re always warm, to me at least.” Hinata never met the raven haired boy’s eye and mumbled out most of his words, but Kageyama got the general gist of what he had said. He made a quick decision, and moved his laptop to his desk., and then scoot over in his bed.

“C’mere.” Hinata looked numb as he stumbled over and collapsed in the bed, not taking off his shoes and looking overall just really sad. Not depressed really, or even tortured. Not exactly regretful and not really melancholic. Just… sad. Hinata buried his face in Kageyama’s chest and breathed in deeply, his small body relaxing in the taller teen’s arms. His back shuddered a little bit.

“Are… are you alright, Shouyou?” Kageyama asked. He wasn’t sure if it was a bad thing to pry or not. He knew one thing for certain. Now was not the time to ask about Hearts or cards or the queen of clubs or Argine/Regina/Argos stuff. No, not that night. Maybe not for awhile. It seemed like Shimizu giving him a choice cancelled out what Oikawa had said, so he felt he had more time.

“They want to give me a promotion.” The words were small, and Kageyama hardly heard them. He had no idea what Hinata could mean by that. Did he have a job or something? What was going on? Once again, Hinata was leaving him clueless.

“What? Who does?” The words were meant to come out gentle, but they sounded a bit nosy and prying even in Kageyama’s own ears. He winced, but before he could change what he had said and reiterate it into something a little bit better for the crumpled up form of Hinata, the redhead was speaking again.

“I’m scared.” Hinata was shaking harder now, and Kageyama could feel little wet patches forming on his shirt where the smaller boy’s face was pressed up into his chest. He brought his arms up around the redhead and tried to hold him close, eventually laying them down so that he could hold Hinata more securely. Kageyama tried to ignore how nice it felt to be holding Hinata again like he used to.

“Shouyou?” At one point he felt like maybe Hinata was asleep, so he said his name quietly. He didn’t get a response for a minute, and then suddenly the redhead was speaking again with soft, wavering words.

“I could hurt so many people, Tobio. I’m not ready for this. But I can’t say no.” The sentences stuck with him. He had absolutely no idea what Hinata was talking about. How could he hurt people? What had he gotten into that he wasn’t willing to tell Kageyama about? The taller male just wanted to know, the curiosity and confusion were eating away at him like rust in his lungs.

However, it was clear that Hinata wasn’t going to tell him the specifics anytime soon. He had pried, he had nosed his way in, he had tried his hardest, but it was obvious that when Hinata wanted to he would let Kageyama know what was going on. No sooner. Kageyama was tired of pressing for it anyway. It was tiring. He’d much rather enjoy the way it felt to hold Hinata close to him than think about that stuff.

“Don’t leave.” Hinata seemed to be almost asleep, his words groggy and slurred, and the smaller male grabbed Kageyama’s hand and squeezed it tightly. The raven haired setter held it back just as tight, and kissed Hinata’s cheek as softly as he could.

  
“I promise, I’m staying right here.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to everyone that this is both a day late and (for now) unedited. The latter will change soon I swear. I'll try to stay more on top of my writing you guys, really. Anyways, enjoy the chapter!

_“Don’t leave.”_

_“I promise, I’m staying right here.”_

Maybe it had just been a one sided promise, because Kageyama woke up alone. He could tell that the redhead had been gone for awhile, because the spot that the redhead had taken up was cold. The raven haired setter could have easily slept longer, as his alarm still had a while before it would go off and he needed to be leaving the warmth and somewhat safety of his bed. Still, it felt like everything was off in his room, as if he was missing one key detail, and it was making him feel paranoid.

So he got up. The feeling that something was off permeated every part of the apartment, not just his bedroom. He wanted to rifle through things to discover what was going on that he hadn’t noticed, as it was bothering. It was like a tiny itch on his leg, he tried to ignore it but whilst he did that it was also the only thing he could think about. It was a case of Ironic process theory if there ever was one.

To ease the ‘itch’ he tried making tea. However, all that happened was him thinking more and more about the fact that _something was wrong._ He drank the tea, not even feeling it go down his throat. The blue eyed teen figured he might talk to his mother about it, because he hadn’t been as open with her lately and she would be waking up soon anyways. She was always happy to have a cup of tea and a conversation with him, after all.

 _"Ironic process theory or the white bear problem refers to the_ [ _psychological_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology) _process whereby deliberate attempts to_ [ _suppress certain thoughts_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_suppression) _make them more likely to surface. An example is how when someone is actively trying not to think of a white bear they may actually be more likely to imagine one._

_"Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute."_

_—_ [ _Fyodor Dostoevsky_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fyodor_Dostoevsky) _,_ [ _Winter Notes on Summer Impressions_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_Notes_on_Summer_Impressions) _, 1863"_

When he went into her room after knocking lightly, it struck him what was wrong. He finally knew what his ‘white bear’ was.

His mother was hanging from the ceiling fan by a thick black cord around her neck, mouth lolled open. She was wearing a simple white dress, and her hair was chopped off in random places. Smears of blood littered her visible skin, and over her eyes were ‘x’ marks in black. She was missing both of her middle fingers, empty spaces in their places. Instead of somewhere else like the rest of the victims, she had the Queens mark in blood on her chest.

There was a scream building up in his throat somewhere, but instead he just stared for a second. With horror, he saw his mother lift her head up a bit to look at him. Her eyes weren’t simply exed out, they were _gone._ “Tobio…” She whispered, an almost giddy self satisfied smile crossing over her lips. “I love you.”

_“You’re walking a narrow line, and if you aren’t really /fucking/ careful you’re going to make more than just one person fall. There’s more at stake here than just your little whims and desires.”_

That was when the scream came out, and it was gone in a second because there was a hand on his mouth closing off his sound. He was back in his bed and it was dark. The hand was small and there was a body huddled up to him and he wasn’t standing in his mother’s room anymore. He was in bed. “Tobio!” Hinata exclaimed. “Are you alright? I think you were having a nightmare, you started screaming.”

Kageyama realized with a start that he had been dreaming. His mother wasn’t dead - or whatever that thing she was doing, it wasn’t real - and he was in his bed. Hinata hadn’t left, the redhead was still right beside him. His bit of the bed would be warm, and the smaller boy’s cheeks were flushed a little bit with grogginess and sleep still glazing over his usually bright eyes.

_It wasn’t real._

That was the thing that really drove him over the edge, resulting in him not noticing Hinata trying over and over to obtain his attention again. Somewhere in his head he could see Hinata waving his hand in front of his face. Somewhere intermingled with the rest of the background noise he could hear the smaller redhead boy saying his name over and over, sounding more and more desperate each time.

_“Listen to me, Kageyama, and listen closely. This is more important than your pathetic soap opera story with Hinata, and you need to accept that. Alright?”_

_“If I’m considered selfish than it’s nothing compared to how you blindly tarnish people’s lives, threaten their- nevermind that.”_

“Kageyama Tobio!” Hinata yelled, finally causing the black haired boy to turn his head back to face the older yet smaller teenager. His cerulean eyes were glittering with underlying fear and overwhelming relief. Hinata relaxed a little bit when Kageyama actually looked over to him, but inwardly was still panicking about the tall setter. Kageyama hadn’t told anyone about his recent dreams.

When they had been together Hinata had experienced comforting or waking up Kageyama from a bad dream a few times. He was never told what happened in them, but the redhead knew that something bad enough to make Kageyama shiver in fright or cry whilst asleep or really any number of extreme things had to be a bad dream. He had thought that the blue eyes setter was not having the dreams anymore, he had just assumed it.

“Yeah?” the black haired teen replied in a somehow nonchalant way. “What’dya want?” Hinata’s eyes narrowed in a response to the tone running along the words vaulting off of Kageyama’s tongue. He knew he was a little bit of a hypocrite (well, okay, a lot of a hypocrite), but he really detested whenever that raven haired tall setter would try to cast off illusions that he was perfectly alright when it was obvious he was not.

“You woke up screaming. You were having a nightmare,” the lilliputian teenager stated, as if Kageyama was missing something by not seeming more concerned about that fact. The taller boy shrugged, which was a little awkward with one of his arms still wrapped around Hinata’s chest. It made both of them more aware of how close they were, as they had temporarily forgotten what with Kageyama waking up screaming and stealing all of the available attention unintentionally.

Hinata didn’t shy away from the touch of the other, so Kageyama kept his arm there, and even pulled the smaller teenager a miniscule bit closer. “So what?” the raven haired boy muttered, not really even looking at Hinata. Instead, he was staring at his wall, images from his nightmare sliding underneath his eyelids to torment him further every time he blinked. He knew it would fade away after a little while though, he was extremely used to having nightmares.

At those two small words, Hinata felt his eyebrows furrow together in growing irritation. “So what? So what?! Tobio, you having a nightmare where you literally wake up _screaming_ is not a tiny deal. How do you not get that?!” Kageyama just shrugged again, and pulled Hinata up against him so that the redhead’s back was pressing up against his chest. He buried his face in the smaller boy’s neck.

Despite his wishes to stay agitated at Kageyama, a tiny blush crept up his cheeks at the suddenness of the taller boy’s movement and the closeness. It felt way too intimate for him to be able and just dismiss it. “It’s my head, what goes on inside it is my business. Stop nagging at me,” mumbled Kageyama against the skin of the redheaded teenager’s neck. He was too tired to care about awkwardness, and the closeness helped stop thinking about the dream.  


_hanging from the ceiling fan by a thick black cord … simple white dress… chopped off in random places… Smears of blood…  ‘x’ marks in black… middle fingers, empty spaces … Queens mark and “Tobio…I love you.” and oh god he was screaming -_

But he wasn’t. His mouth was shut closed after he muttered those words to Hinata, and it was close and warm and he was not alone. Kageyama didn’t find it inside himself to care about the small argument going on. Sure, it was a little upsetting, but he didn’t think about it. All he wanted to flood his mind with was the sensation of holding Hinata close and not being alone, so that’s what he did.

“Why don’t we talk about you instead?” He asked in a way to deflect the thing being conversated away from being him. The raven haired boy was groggy, yes, but he could remember the Hinata that had visited him the night previous. The one who had crie and asked for Kageyama not to leave him, the one who talked about the court. The same Hinata who was pressing him to talk about his nightmares, but not really.

_“They want to give me a promotion.”_

_“What? Who does?”_

_“I’m scared.”_

_“Shouyou?”_

_“I could hurt so many people, Tobio. I’m not ready for this. But I can’t say no.”_

_“Don’t leave.”_

_“I promise, I’m staying right here.”_

Hinata’s eyes narrowed more, but this time it was in a sort of defensive response. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m perfectly fine, I was just being silly last night. And sad, y’know, about Natsu.” Kageyama wanted to drop at it the mere sound of Natsu’s name, because the pang that went through his heart reminded him of comforting Hinata in a graveyard. It hurt to think about, but he didn’t want to address his nightmares, so his options were few.

“But you mentioned something about a promotion? Where do you work? Isn’t a promotion a good thing? And why the hell would you maybe hurt people?” The questions stumbled out of the taller boy’s mouth like staggering drunk men, they were slightly slurred and dropping off suddenly only to pick up. He was tired, and trying to interrogate Hinata when he didn’t really even feel like it was hard.

Hinata tried to move away from the embrace wrapping around him, but the younger teenager had strong, unforgiving and unyielding arms, and the black haired boy wasn’t quite willing to give up the comforting body contact quite yet. His lips were still only a hairsbreadth away from the smaller boy’s skin, and he was tempted to just distract Hinata from the whole thing by dropping his lips lower and showing adoration on the pale planes of skin.

Kageyama didn’t.

But he wanted to.

“No. We aren’t talking about this, okay? You don’t need to know, so stop pestering me about it.” the words were bit off and bitter, cut off and cutthroat in how they prickled down to their core. Kageyama felt his mood burn and blister, before he moved his head up to where his mouth was right next to the smaller boy’s ear. Even though if he had the steel glare pointed at him he wouldn’t have told Hinata any of what he was about to say, he felt powerful with the redhead in his arms. The words rolled off of his tongue in a hiss form and into Hinata’s ears like a whispered battle chant.

With Hinata in his arms, he felt like the lion speaking to the mouse who thought they could roar.

“Look, you fucking hypocrite. You don’t get to act like you fucking care and then pull away the next second. Make up your goddamn mind, but don’t expect to get something that you aren’t willing to trade for. You keep playing me, right? Well, if you keep fucking around with me then I’m gonna learn how to play the player, got that? I’m done being messed around with. You either tell me or you don’t, but your little in between game is pissing me off.”

Hinata made a sound in the back of his throat and pushed away from the bigger teenager, breaking through the strong embrace and turning around to face the raven haired boy. He was squatting on the edge of the bed with his face scarily close to the other boy’s, eyes containing anger and frustration and annoyance. The redhead perhaps had a bit of steel edging his look, as if he himself was a rapier.

“Oh, I’m the hypocrite? Stop it. You have no idea what the fuck you’re asking to know, and how much you’re fuckign dancing all over every single button that you can!” Kageyama felt his vision harden at what Hinata had said. He was getting seriously fucking pissed at the redhead’s attitude. He pressed his nose against the other boy’s knocking Hinata off balance, causing the redhead to get off the bed none too gently and standing angrily.

“I don’t know what I’m asking to know because you won’t tell me! You won’t even give me a goddamn clue-” He was cut off, and he stood up too, he wasn’t willing to let Hinata look down on him if they were going to argue.

“I fucking did give you a hint, and a damn good one at that!” Kageyama’s mind flashed back to that single word he had researched and tried figuring out what it meant. That one, stupid, infuriating word.

“ _Hearts?!_ That’s not a good clue, I have no fucking clue what it means!” He might as well have spit out his words, they were bitter in his mouth and reeling through his mind. Everything was boiling over, like a pot put on low heat that goes unattended and suddenly is boiling over and causing a big mess whilst simultaneously ruining everything near it.

“That’s the point! I don’t want you to know!” That was the final thing to tip him off. It was bad enough that he felt stupid in his lack of results with his search to discover what hearts meat, but Hinata had just let him know that he had practically set him up for failure. His mood soured even further, and his next words were like grains of salt on his tongue, almost like the taste of tears.

“Pfft. I guess it makes sense, it’s not the first thing you didn’t want me to know anyways.” Kageyama crossed his arms over his chest, frowning at the redhead and clenching his jaw.

“Back to this _again?!”_ The way that Hinata phrased it made it seem like he almost thought it _wasn’t_  his fault that he and cheated on so many people right in front of Kageyama, like he hadn’t meant to rip the raven haired boy’s heart in tiny little pieces.

“It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to get back to! You can’t even say it was one time because you were getting drunk so much you don’t even know how many times it was!”

“You know what, fuck you!” Kageyama rolled his eyes at the redhead’s eloquent choice of words. “You never fucking let anything go, do you? _Tobio?”_  The way that Hinata seemed to be making fun of their choice to use each other’s first names, it infuriated the taller boy down to his very bones.

“Hey, you didn’t have to see the person you love shoving their tongue down someone else’s throat!” The words were the first thing that came to his mouth (coincidentally, they were the words he had thought of first whenever Hinata was mentioned for months and months and months, even after they had broken up).

_Slap._

“Yeah, I fucking did, dipshit. Maybe you don’t remember, but you fell in love with Tsukishima. I fixed myself for you, I stopped drinking, I did my best all for you, you fucking asshole, and you fell in love with him! You just forgot about me completely, and distanced yourself from me when you had the chance to help me and know what the hell is going on in my life-” Red clouded Kageyama’s vision for a second, long enough to explode. How dare Hinata say that?

“Can you fucking blame me?! Are you even serious?! Shouyou, you broke me! I couldn’t stand looking at you, and you were moving way too fast for me to catch up or even fucking see sometimes! You didn’t even seem to care every time I say you with somebody else!” His words were trying to mimic Hinata’s perfected cold ones, but failed in how heated they kept ending up being.

“You know what, I’m done here. I’m done with you. I have to give to get, you say? Well I’m not exactly in the giving mood, so sorry that I don’t care about your fucking dreams enough to stick around.” With that Hinata started walking towards the door, but before he could reach it Kageyama reached forward and grasped his wrist tight.

“No, you don’t get to just choose when to end things. That’s not -” Hinata didn’t try to get his wrist out of the taller boy’s grasp, he just cut through what the raven haired teeenager had been saying with steel edged words.

“Why not?” Hinata looked back at him, eyes shining with several things and nothing all at once. “You did.” The weight of the words landed on Kageyama, and he let go of Hinata’s wrist after a second. The redhead clenched his jaw, and walked out of the taller boy’s apartment without another glance backwards. His footsteps faded away till all that was left in Kageyama’s ears was the faint huff of his own breath.

And his only company, once again, was the bit of his dream flashing under his eyelids every time he blinked.

He didn’t see Hinata again till the monday of the next school week.

But he saw his nightmares again every night.

_“Don’t leave.”_

_“I promise, I’m staying right here.”_

Kageyama didn’t bother to try and communicate with Hinata on that monday. Instead, he ignored the redhead. He knew that Hinata was probably hating everything about life at that moment, but he didn’t think about it. (That is, he tried not to think about it. Once again, he was suffering from the ironic process theory, only this time it wasn’t in a dream that he was suffering from it, it was real life and worse yet much better at the same time.

That day at volleyball practice, he was relieved at how uneventful it was. Shimizu and her steel glare and confusing words made no appearance. Neither did that buzz in the back of his head like he was missing something, which would have been comforting if he had noticed. There was an easy sort of chemistry forming between the older players and the first years, and he had a productive conversation about how to use a certain gifted first year’s abilities to their advantage.

The first year reminded him a bit of Hinata, but he looked like Tsukishima so it sort of negated that effect. Kageyama could feel their potential and he knew it meant something great for them if they could harness it and milk it as far as it would go. It was boosting his mood, and during the practice the image of his mother hanging from the ceiling fan didn’t flash underneath his eyelids when he blinked even one time.

Yamaguchi sidled over to him halfway through practice, trying to be subtle and failing a bit. The raven met him in between. He cocked an eyebrow as if to ask what was going on. Yamaguchi scrunched up his nose before sighing. “I didn’t want to mention this, but have you noticed Hinata? Is he okay? I mean, I understand the thing with his sister happened and all and I just want to know why he’s looking so down today unlike other days and if we can do anything to help him-”

Kageyama waved off the seemingly unending stream of babble with a lazy hand, and cracked his neck. He hadn’t really payed attention to Hinata all practice, but when he finally let himself look at the redhead he could easily tell that the smaller teenager looked downright depressed. Though he had already prepared some words about how Hinata was fine, they caught in his throat. “He, well, he…” Kageyama trailed off, and didn’t have to finish because just then their world was impacted.

The first years had never even heard the name Oikawa Tooru before. They had no idea who the man with suave smile and cutthroat mannerisms regarding volleyball was. They didn’t know what that tall brunette could and would take Hinata away from any practice at his whim. They didn’t know hardly anything, and Kageyama thought in that moment that ignorance truly was bliss.

Oikawa burst through the open door with a winning smile, and most everyone’s head perked up in recognition of who was there. Unlike the steely man in the forest that night, the one with the knife and the agenda, this Oikawa looked about as harmless as a butterfly. Like the  nice university kid who wanted to give you their chemistry notes and tutor you on anything for free.

“Shouyou!” he exclaimed, his voice ever so slightly shrill yet enrapturing at the same time. Kageyama could very faintly discern that underneath everything, Oikawa seemed… disturbed. Like something had gone wrong in his life and he was just piling smile after smile on top of it to bury the happening far enough down that he could forget it. It was just faint though so the raven haired teen wondered if he was just imagining it.

Probably.

Hinata turned to the taller man and was looking more upbeat. Whether it was an act or not, Kageyama could see that the short redheaded teen had slipped easily into that fake new smile. (It wasn’t exactly a new smile anymore, but compared to the one that he used to love and wake up to, the smile and laugh and all of that was stupidly new and annoying and a reminder of how much he had lost the smaller boy.)

“Oikawa,” Tsukishima “greeted” the taller brunette. “I’d say it was a surprise to see you, but it really isn’t. Are you here to whisk off our spiker and fuck him into oblivion or something?” The first years that noticed suddenly went wide eyed and rigid, staring at both Oikawa, and then Hinata. The redhead wasn’t amused, but Oikawa had a smile plastered on his face.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi chided, nudging the tall blonde with his elbow a little bit. “Cut it out.” The words by themselves might have been a little bit harsh, but the way that Yamaguchi uttered them made them almost sound like a little ‘I love you.’ It was gross. Cute, sure, but also gross. Especially since it reminded Kageyama how utterly surrounded by his exes and such he was in that moment. God, his life was complicated.

The blonde rolled his eyes at his boydriend’s reaction to his words,but didn’t add anything more to his comment. Oikawa just kept smiling, and started speaking. “Oh, I’ll do that later. I just wanted to pop in for a moment to say hi and tell Shou-chan something.” At the words _do that later_ both Kageyama’s and the first year’s eyes widened and his breath caught a little bit in his throat.

The raven haired boy didn’t know why those three words bothered him so much. It wasn’t like he was really anything to Hinata. All they had done was fucked a little while earlier. And of course there was the whole deal with that they both knew that they were both still in love with each other but unwilling to do anything about it. Or perhaps just too afraid to even really address it.

Kageyama was still pissed at Hinata though, so it wasn’t like it even mattered.

(It mattered all too much.)

He tried his best to hide how Oikawa’s words affected him, but judging by the glint in the older male’s eyes Oikawa knew exactly what it did to him. “Hello Tobio,” Oikawa practically purred, his eyes shining like he knew a secret. “It’s nice to see you again.” the raven haired boy nodded, swallowing heavily.

“Yeah.” The words were full of tension, and Kageyama felt like he could tap the air in the wrong place and everything would shatter all around them. He held eye contact with Oikawa for a few seconds, feeling a time bomb ticking away in his heart with how long he could keep up the eye contact and still be able to breath. If the bomb went off, his breath would run away like it did sometime and he might freak out.

_Tick, tick, tick…_

Kageyama looked away first, and Oikawa’s smirk widened just enough to be noticed. The taller brunette male walked closer to Hinata, and the redhead look like he was being pulled towards the taller by a string. His smile just barely failed to reach his eyes, and the raven haired setter wondered if anyone else besides him even noticed all the minute things happening around them. Apparently not.

“I just wanted to tell you that the decision was made. You’re up and in.” With those words Kageyama could see the bitterness in Oikawa’s eyes truly, and Hinata looked a little more crumpled. “C’mere,” Oikawa said, reaching out an arm. Hinata took it, and Oikawa pulled him close to kiss the redhead boy intensely. Kageyama felt his throat constrict, and he turned to everyone else.

“Why are you stopping? Get back to practice, all of you.” He tried to follow his own advice as he saw out of the corner of his eye Oikawa pulling away from the kiss and embracing the smaller boy. He spurred everyone else to work harde when the tall brown haired man whispered something into Hinata’s ear, quiet and close. He ignored the way (more or less) Hinata looked broke.

He tried to forget the words he could practically hear as he saw them vault off of Oikawa’s tongue and into Hinata’s ear. The words he didn’t expect to see at all.

“I’m sorry.”

Oikawa left soon after, Hinata looking more defeated. The redhead was hiding it better however, so Kageyama wondered if he was just oddly attuned to what Hinata was doing and acting like. Maybe he had experienced pretending to be fine enough times that he knew what it looked like when someone else did it as well? He wasn’t sure, and he tried to distract himself with volleyball. Volleyball was safe, volleyball was sure.

That day when he got home from school, his mother was watching TV on the couch, a bowl of soup in her lap. The news was on, but she quickly switched it to the anime that they had started watching as one of their traditions. He felt a lump in his throat. There was only one reason that his mom would turn on Soul Eater, which they still hadn’t finished after literal years. The reason that they hadn’t finished it was because they only watched it a one day every once in awhile.

They had a tradition to binge watch Soul Eater the night before she would leave for a business trip. He felt his world collapsing a little bit beneath his feet. His mother kept a large calendar on their fridge, and it had been marked off for a while that she would be leaving the next day, but it had somehow slipped his mind. The image from his nightmare flashed underneath his eyelids as he blinked, but he ignored it in favor of dropping his backpack on the floor and joining his mom on the couch.

“I guess it’s that time again,” he commented. She nodded, grimacing a little bit.

“Yeah, it is. It’s only a short trip though, so I’ll be home soon. Only six weeks. I promise the time will fly, and I’ll be back here before you know it.” He tried his best to smile and make her happy but she didn’t quite ook convinced. She ruffled his hair. “I’m like a virus, I’ll never truly leave you.”

He managed a somewhat real smile. There was his mom’s lame sense of humour again, making a comeback. “Mom, that’s more than just borderline creepy sounding,” he said in a joking manner. She put her hands over her chest, looking mock offended.

“What?! No. It’s sweet, I swear. It sounds less creepy the less you think about it.” He rolled his eyes, and she mocked his eye roll with a ridiculous sigh that no one could make naturally.

“Oh hey, did you hear the news? That guy from the gan killed himself in his cell. The guy that everyone was making a fuss about.” He looked at her for a moment with pursed lips. She had a somewhat hopeful expression on her face, and he had a look like ‘you’re bullshitting yourself’ on his.

“Mom, you know that the news bugs me.” The words vaulted off of his tongue in an almost questioning way, like he was wondering where she could be going with all of it. Her shoulders slooped in a response to his words.

“Ugh, I had hopes for you. It wouldn’t kill you to care about the world, you know.” Her words were joking, but he knew there was a small seed of truth beneath them. She was incredibly into current events and studying the world, so his introverted attitude matched hers but at the same time was the complete opposite of hers.

“Eh, I think the world and I have a good thing going on. I avoid most everyone, most everyone avoids me. It’s good.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, let’s just start watching this. We’re never going to finish it at the rate we’re going.” Kageyama nodded, and let himself forget about the homework that he had a few days to finish and had thought he was going to finish that night and be ahead of the game. He forgot about how Oikawa had said he was sorry to Hinata, and he forgot about everything else really.

None of that was even important to him at that moment anyway.

The only important person in the world was next to him on his couch.

And when he closed his eyes

He saw her hanging

From the ceiling fan

Eyes exed out

Swinging

_“I love you”_

Nothing else was important.

Nothing.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited oops but at least it's on time
> 
> I promise it'll be edited soon
> 
> sorry frens

It was a bit confusing. He knew that he probably should have been doing exactly the opposite of what he was doing, but his hands knew their way across Hinata’s skin and the redhead was making sweet sounds and he didn’t really want to stop. He bit the skin of the smaller boy’s neck gently, the gleaming white skin getting marked all over as pride was shed along with dignity and clothes.

 

His head was fire and his touch was numb. It was exciting and nothing new yet so, so new. Every single time was new. Every time he brushed his fingers along the upper inner thigh, he was greeted with a tiny bit different of a reaction. Kageyama claimed his lips again, feeling the slight wetness brush along and the chapped nothingness make his head spin around. He felt high on something, though he wasn’t quite sure what it was.

 

Kageyama’s mother wasn’t home, she had left a week ago. A week ago, when things had managed to be so different from how thing were in that moment, yet painstakingly the same. The blush was spreading from Hinata’s face to his upper chest, and Kageyama couldn’t help but feel like kissing it. This time was slow, this time was fast, this time was several different things and possibly something more than it had been before.

 

“T - Tobio,” Hinata muttered, melting underneath his touch and melding into something entirely new with the raven haired setter. Kageyama let his head drop to Hinata’s neck to ravish it whilst his hand, just recently lubed up, lowered itself too. He bit down gently just as his first knuckle entered, and the redhead let out a soft, high pitched sigh. “Tobio,” he murmured again, the taller boy’s name sounding something like a prayer on Hinata’s lips. 

 

Kageyama was alright with being rough. He enjoyed it, he liked seeing people’s reactions as he handled them roughly and whenever he responded positively to being treated that way. He liked quick and fast and dirty, filth and indiscrete and with the lights on. He liked feeling almost used and feeling almost like he was just using. He really did like it, and sometimes it was what he wanted more than anything else.

 

Usually though, the tall teen wanted slow. He wanted to draw out reactions, to let every little sound wash over him and make goosebumps erupt all across his skin. He wanted his hair standing on edge and milking every single little thing until nerves are so sensitive they would scream if they could. He liked dragging thing out until both him and the other person become completely and utterly exhausted after only just one round. 

 

The kind of thing you can smile after, and pull the other person close to fall asleep next to.

 

Not the kind of thing where it seems like a race of who can leave first.

 

The redhead reached around to drag his fingernails down Kageyama’s back after he let the first finger go in all the way, stretching out the tight pink hole and getting Hinata ready for something bigger. By that point in time he knew where to look to find Hinata’s prostate, and he let himself casually brush past it lightly a few time, torturing the other boy to the point of begging in soft, desperate little whimpers.

 

The redhead slung his arms back all the way up Kageyama’s back to be wrapped around the back of the taller teenager’s neck, and pulled the raven haired boy in for a sweet and tinged with more kiss. There were gaps between little kisses and some of the more drawn out ones. There was a sort of easy rhythm between them that Kageyama couldn’t have found the words to describe even if he had read through an entire dictionary in his free time. 

 

The little freckles and tiny scars (most likely from stupid things like jumping out of a tree and landing on a bush, or playing around with friends and scraping your knee, Hinata-like things) decorating the smaller redhead’s skin coupled with the flush was the most beautiful thing in the world to Kageyama. It topped any modern ‘art’ that critics might rave about in pretentious voices and fake accents. 

He really thought that Hinata was just plain beautiful, so he told him. “I think you look so good right now,” he murmured, his voice husky and raw and low from earlier. “So red and pink everywhere, so … pliant. So willing to be taken. How much do you want that, Shouyou? Hmm?” He let his voice linger in some parts of his speech, the words coming out of his mouth sounding lazy and partially slurred together. His lips returned to the smaller boy’s collarbones as Hinata inhaled shakily.

 

His second finger joined the first slowly as the redhead choked out words in some sort of more or less comprehensible sentence. “I - oh god - please just do it. I want you so, so bad Tobio.” The redhead sighed and squirmed, the fingers working inside of him simultaneously. He was being stretched out so carefully, so slowly. He was like clay underneath Kageyama’s touch, malleable and easy to mold however he wanted. 

 

The raven haired teenager let out a somewhat strained laugh, his throat bare and his straining erection restraining him from coming off as completely casual. “Be patient, Shouyou. You know I want to take my time with you.” He stopped talking so that he could drop his lips to Hinata’s nipples, hard and pebble-like. “You’re not even fully undressed yet,” he sort of complained. It was true, as Hinata was still wearing his boxer briefs. It served to make things feel somehow more dirty, but Kageyama wanted to be able and ravish every single bit of the other boy’s body, to enjoy every little detail that made up the whole.

 

He wanted to love all of them, no matter how difficult it might seem. Every little flaw, every blemish. He wanted the chance once again to find them all beautiful.

 

Hinata waved off his little complaint with his right hand. “Oh, does it really matter?” For some reason, Hinata suddenly seemed more concerned than before. Why did it matter? Well, for one it would be easier to fuck the redhead if he was naked and not just sorta there. Kageyama would have thought that was a given in the situation. Then there was  that other whole thing where he wanted to be thorough in his exploration and mapping out of the smaller teen’s body, he wanted it to be in his muscle memory to feel. So yeah, it kinda mattered.

 

“I guess not for now,” Kageyama replied, his voice soft against the slightly flushed planes of pale skin. He let his lips drop back down to Hinata’s nipple to suck and swirl and play with it as he continued evenly thrusting two fingers into the redhead. The simultaneous stimulation was prickling at Hinata’s skin, and the redhead kept making little noises and murmurs and gasps. It was sweet, which was contradictory to how they had done it in the past recent times. 

 

Kageyama viewed it as a nice change of pace. He teasingly slowed his thrusting fingers to add a slow third. Soon he knew Hinata would be stretched and ready for him after the raven haired setter got himself lubed up, but he resolved to enjoy it while it happened. He had learned the lesson far too much and far too recently that he never knew what was going to happen next with Hinata, so he may as well enjoy the good times while they lasted and wait to lament them till they were past.

 

“Bakageyama, just do it already…” the redhead half whined and half moaned. “I can’t take it much longer.” The raven haired teen smirked as an idea came to his mind, a lightbulb moment if there ever was one. The redhead’s hands were still wrapped around Kageyama’s neck, and the raven haired teen felt them drop as he raised his head from the mussed up and played with chest of the flushed redhead spiker. 

 

“Hey Hinata,” his voice was alow rumble in the back of his throat and his words were slow, like molasses in the dead cold of winter. He pushed his fingers in harder and faster out of the blue, and aimed right at the smaller redheaded boy’s prostate. Hinata screamed, jerking up and back arching as Kageyama watched with an almost shark like grin. “Do you think I can make you come two times?”

 

Hinata bit his lip, tears welling up in his eyes from the stimulation and the onslaught of pleasure coming from the attention to his prostate. Kageyama was working his fingers inside him with a careful eye, twisting and molding the smaller redhead boy into something different from the steely Hinata. “I- I don’t know!” The redhead finally exclaimed, having tried to hold back the cracks in his voice and the higher pitch of his voice due to Kageyama’s nonstopping ministrations.

 

Kageyama smirked again, and lowered his mouth to Hinata’s throbbing erection, teasing the tip whilst causing white pleasure in Hinata due to the almost torturous attention being payed to his prostate. The raven haired teenager was not giving up, and the smaller boy was edging on a climax. “I’m close, Tobio,” mewled Hinata, his nails scratching Kageyama’s back again. He left harsh, angry red lines across the pale skin.

 

The raven haired setter put all his attention and effort into Hinata’s ass and the tip of his dick, resulting in the redhead coming only a short few second later. Hinata was panting, tired, and glaring at the blue eyes boy hovering over him. The come had gotten all over Hinata’s stomach and Kageyama’s lips, and they stared at each other for a moment before Kageyama pulled his fingers out of the redhead’s ass and licked his lips.

 

“I think you’re ready now,” he said slyly, and Hinata would have kicked him if he wasn’t unable to at the time. His glare was half-hearted though, and he watched Kageyama start to lube himself up out of the corner of his eye somewhat hungrily.

 

“You’re so arrogant, Tobio,” Hinata commented, the comment put off slightly by how out of breath he was and how scratchy his voice sounded in the blue eyes boy’s ears.”What makes you think you’ll be able to make me come again, hmm? What if you just leave me unsatisfied and upset because you overestimated your own abilities.” The redhead sounded a bit teasing to Kageyama, so he just shrugged.

 

“I guess you’ll have to deal with it then,” the raven haired boy said, making a crude gesture and smirking a little bit. Hinata was left agape, not having expected that from the blue eyed teenager. Kageyama hummed a little bit, having paid only half of his attention to the redhead underneath him and half to the throbbing dick he was lubing up. He pulled down Hinata’s boxer briefs faster than the redhead could blink, finally he could see all of the unclothed creamy skin. Hinata’s asshole seemed to be winking at him, a pretty pink pucker that he couldn’t wait to experience at least  once more. 

 

“Asshole,” Hinata mumbled under his breath, earning a sharp slap to the side of his ass by Kageyama. His eyes widened, and he tried not to let it show how he was affected by it. “What the hell?” He demanded with a creeping sense going up his spine like maybe he should not have just asked the tall blue eyed teenager that particular question. Especially knowing the raven’s past experiences with Hinata.

 

Kageyama rolled his eyes very pointedly at the redhead, finishing up and eyeing the pucker more and more. “Idiot, don’t pretend like you don’t like it,” he replied, making Hinata blush even more. “You’re lucky I lo-” he cut off what he was going to say very sharply, ducking his head to the side. The redhead underneath him froze up very suddenly, knowing exactly where that sentence had been about to go.

 

The awkward tension was so strong in the air, Kageyama felt like he could harness it and hang himself from the ceiling fan with it if he wanted to. It wa thick and clogging his lungs, it was sly and invading his every system. And, the cherry on top of the sundae or whatever, was that he knew that it was him that had caused all of it. Not Hinata, but him. He wanted to cringe, but instead he just nudged his throbbing erection to poke the edge of Hinata’s stretched out asshole instead. He was hoping to distract the redhead from what he had been about to say.

 

It worked considerably well, considering how large Hinata’s eyes widened. “Oh shit,” the redhead murmured, tired out from one orgasm but already feeling himself harden a little bit at the lewd sight greeting his eyes. How could he not look? Kageyama was so red and even with all of the slow and careful stretching that he had done, he looked way too big to fit into Hinata. “You ready?” Kageyama asked quietly, sliding his hands to brush along Hinata’s shoulders, as if to steady the redhead.

 

Hinata looked up into the blue eyes staring right at him. He had always had the strangest feeling that Kageyama was seeing into his soul when he looked at him with his intense blue eyes like that, and for a moment he thought that maybe he didn’t really mind that at all. “Y-yeah,” he replied, his stutter only due to how incredibly transparent he felt in that moment.

 

“Alright,” Kageyama replied, and they lost themselves once again. Hinata yelped, and the sound turned into a drawn out whine. The taller teen was achingly slow in easing into the tight closeness, and pressed their lips together to swallow the sounds that Hinata was making in response. He bit down very lightly on the redhead boy’s lip, drawing out another little moan/hum from him.

 

This. This was what he wanted, what he found so utterly pleasing. To be slow, to be careful, and to make everything just feel more… important. Every little movement felt intimate to him, every little sound that escaped the confines of those pretty and chapped lips washed over him in an overwhelming way. He wanted to preserve every little bit of it for just a while longer. He tried to distract himself from the thought in the back of his head.

 

It won’t be long now. 

 

It won’t be long now. 

 

It won’t… 

 

There were hands on his face and eyes staring into his and they were bright and oh god it was Hinata. “Tobio,” the smaller boy said, somehow sounding ridiculously calm whilst being thrusted into (thought the pace was relaxed and slow at that point). “You’re thinking. That’s not allowed, not right now. If you have to think at all, think about me. Otherwise, get your heads out of the clouds.”

 

He smiled a very faint little thing, and only let it decorate his face for a moment before it slipped off. “Alright,” he repeated himself from earlier. “If you say so.” tHe words rolled of his lips and tongue in an odd sort of way, where he felt both silly and scared at the same time. He never did ask to fall in love with anyone. It was a daunting thing to reflect on if he would just let himself for more than two seconds at a time.

 

“I do say so,” Hinata replied, his voice sounding very matter-of-fact. “So stop thinking and fuck me already.” Kageyama didn’t reply verbally, he just snapped his hips into the smaller boy, surprising Hinata. The redhead clawed at the ravenette’s back again, and an endless babble of mewls and moans poured from his mouth as Kageyam radically increased his pace, slamming into Hinata with a fervor.

 

“Shit - ah - you took that to h-heart,” the smaller teenager mumbled against Kageyama’s lips as he pulled down the taller boy’s face so he could kiss him again. Kageyama allowed himself a tiny little smile at that, though it wasn’t very discreet as Hinata could feel the twitch of his lips against his own. Kageyama’s hips were slamming into the smaller boy like a broken record, and the slow part was all but gone from their experience.

 

It always stuck Kageyama as sad that Hinata seemed more into fucking, whilst he was more into making love.

They continued on past the point of no return, Hinata reaching his climax some time later and Kageyama following not too much later. They had had so much preparation and teasing beforehand, and Hinata was so sensitive ffom his first orgams that the moment he entered Hinata he was achingly close to just exploding inside of the smaller boy. It filled him with a fire to know that the insides of the redhead’s ass were painted white with his come, it was a filthy sort of pride. 

 

They lay together for a little while, Kageyama holding onto Hinata and the redhead burying his head in the ravenette’s shoulder like he seemed to enjoy doing so much. The darker haired teenager sighed as he stared up at the white ceiling, He wondered why seemingly everywhere, no matter who’s house you were in or what apartment, the ceiling always seemed to be white. Didn’t the ceiling deserve to be vibrant too? Maybe that was the tiredness talking. 

 

It was when he was stroking up Hinata’s side that he felt a bit of skin that was slightly more raised than the rest surrounding it, and it seemed to be in some sort of a pattern. His eyebrows furrowed, because skin didn’t work like that. Right? Right. Skin didn’t work like that, he was fairly certain. So then what was going on with Hinata’s hip that he felt that?

 

He didn't want to lift his head up from the confer table spot where it was resting somewhat on top of Hinata's, but he did anyway. The redhead spiked had already frozen inside of Kageyama's secure hold, and the ravenette wondered what was Hinata's deal as he looked over at the pale skin of the older teenager’s hip. He felt his breath catch inside of his throat a little bit at the sight that awaited him.

 

It was the mark of Queens. The same mark that Kageyama had seen on his mother’s chest inside of his dream, the same mark that was found on every single victim of the goddamn gang. The raven haired boy looked at the smaller boy in his arms in pure terror. “S-Shouyou?” He asked, his voice wavering inside of his throat. “Why is that on your hip? Why are you marked by Queens?!”

 

Kageyama saw dots connecting. The stress, the scaredness. Queens was hunting the small redhead spiked down, and then they were going to kill him. Maybe Yachi thought that Kageyama would lead the gang to the small redhead spiked or something, and that's why she didn't want them together. Or maybe she thought Hinata would drag him into the same mess that the smaller teenager was in himself. Perhaps both.

 

But what had Hinata done to deserve the wrath of Queens? 

 

“Shut up! It’s nothing!” Hinata exclaimed, covering up the mark on his hip with his hand and pushing himself out of the embrace of the taller boy. “Leave me alone,” the redhead said as Kageyama tried to touch his shoulder to calm him down, and Hinata started gathering his clothes and putting them on. “I should’ve known this was a bad idea…” the redhead grumbled to himself.

 

“Wait, what the fuck?! You can’t just leave, not after we had sex and not after I see  _ that  _ on you!” The taller teenager pointed to the still visible mark on Hinata’s hip, and the shorter teen frowned even more. He was yanking on his clothes with a determined energy, and glaring at the raven haired boy like he was the worst person in the world. Kageyama knew that things could go fast with Hinata, but this was light speed.

 

“Um, actually yes I can. Don’t touch me, and  _ don’t even try  _ to stop me from leaving if I want. We are technically nothing Kageyama, no strings attached and no reason to stay if I don’t feel like it.” The redhead was just trying to distract the taller raven haired boy, and it was working rather well.

 

“Bullshit! Shoyou, you know probably better than I do that we are anything but no strings attached. We’ve got strings all over the place! And the only time we seem to stop fighting is when we’re having sex! We’re not no strings attached, we’re strings all tangled up and hanging us out to dry!” Kageyama gesticulated along with what he was saying, but Hinata just rolled his eyes at the taller boy.

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just don’t try and stop me,” and with that he walked out of the door, slamming it behind him. Kageyama wanted to march out of his room and grab the redhead’s shoulder and make him listen, but he clenched his fist instead. Every single time it seemed like they were making even a little bit of progress with each other, somehow it was ruined in a flash and a bang. 

 

“Agh!” he hit the wall to avoid hitting something else, and then gasped in pain. Oh shit, the wall was the wrong person - or thing - to pick a fight with. Oh holy shit he knew to stay away from walla after that, and his knuckled felt like hell. He sat back down on his bed, still naked, and sighed. The raven haired teenager put his head in his hands, feeling a bit of a headache coming on.

 

He knew the second that the knock came on his apartment door hours prior that it was Hinata. The redhead had a specific way of knocking and he had a love/hate relationship with it. Mostly because it was cute but it was another one of the many things that he had changed about himself practically a year before. It had been so long, Kageyama didn’t even remember what one of the old smiles looked like. Hell, he hardly knew what the new ones looked like either. It always gave him a small melancholic mood when he remembered that.

 

When the raven haired teen opened the door, he could tell Hinata hadn’t come there (at least with the intent on his mind) to fight. The redhead looked overwhelmingly tire, and just asked if he could stay with Kageyama for a few hours. The ravenette knew it probably had something to do with the aching silence in a big, lonely house, so he ignored the pit in his stomach and the harsh words they had spoken to each other not very long before. It was Hinata, after all. How could he say no?

 

That’s more or less when things started going downhill. Slight touching lead to full on touching and hesitant looks. That lead to timid emotion and the slightest bit of a kiss and remembering exactly what it was like to be falling hard or rock bottom in love. And that lead to the obvious, Kageyama making love when all Hinata came for was something casual and ‘no strings attached’ and all that. 

 

He knew reflecting on it that he should have avoided that. Hell, he knew going into it that he would most likely regret it later. That didn’t change what he did, though, and he wasn’t dure if looking back on it he would still chance it. Really though, the important bit of the entire thing was not that Hinata managed to break his heart a little more, or that he had the chance to taste the redhead’s lips one more time.

 

No, it was the fact that Hinata had the Queen’s brand on his hip.

 

It was crazy and stupid and  _ oh god  _  Hinata was fucked up. How did someone have to fuck up that much to get Queens coming after them? Of course it would be that redhead to be the one out of all of them to have Queens on his tail. Him and Bokuto, the poor bastard. A thought struck Kageyama. 

 

Were Queens already after Hinata when Bokuto was killed? Did Bokuto die protecting Hinata? Or perhaps just being in the wrong place in the wrong time? Or maybe a Queens agent saw Bokuto with Hinata and then tortured the wild haired man to get information about the redhead, and when he wouldn’t comply they killed him. But then why was Hinata still alive? It was so easy for them to kill Bokuto, so how in hell was Hinata not dead?

 

It had been awhile since Bokuto died. Long enough that the stupid gang would have definitely been able to kill Hinata, especially due to the power that Queens held. The power, and resources, and all of it. By all thought processes and all reasoning, Hinata should have been dead long before Kageyama saw the brand on his hip. How did he even get the brand on his hip without him being dead?

 

Kageyama shook his head. There was so much he didn’t know, and so much that Hinata just wasn’t telling him. It didn’t help that the redhead was avoiding talking about anything along those lines at all costs. It was annoying, not to mention overwhelmingly frustrating. How could Hinata not understand that he wanted to know what was going on so he could help him? Because, for some idiotic reason, he let himself fall in love with Hinata.

 

Something else occurred to the tall raven haired boy out of the blue. There had been a day months back when Kageyama had spotted something black-ish on the smaller boy’s hip. It had been in the locker room, and  _ fuck  _ he had still been dating Tsukishima. He had brought it up to Hinata, thinking maybe he was bruised? Was that it? He wasn’t sure, he just knew that Hinata wasn’t happy about it and told him to forget it in a voice similar to Oikawa’s steel business voice. Was Hinata in trouble all the way back then?

 

He remembered Hinata talking about his mom leaving, and how his mom didn’t even know about Natsu. Had it started right after his mom left? That early? Holy fuck, if it had then they had still been dating. If it had started back then, then maybe it explained the cheating and reckless behaviour and darkness. It didn’t excuse it, but perhaps it explained it. Then again, that could have all been just because of Natsu. 

 

The secrets, the lies, the drinking. He felt like it went so much deeper than him, and that was partially causing him distress. Had Hinata been lying and hiding things from him that early? Had all of those promises of a future together, promises of love and stupid hipster things - had they all just been a distraction for Hinata from something he wasn’t even willing to share with Kageyama?

 

It had meant something to Kageyama. It had meant more than just one something, it had meant a fuck ton of somethings and it made him angry to think that all of his something meant literally nothing to the redhead all along. Were they always no strings attached to the redhead? Were the strings he ha thought connected them just made up, all just inside of his messed up head?

 

He remembered the boy in the cafe. The one who confessed to him on Valentine’s day in front of Dadchi and Suga and a whole bunch of strangers. The one who he kissed in front of Daichi and Suga and all those strangers, and the one who he held his hand. The one that he hesitantly asked if they could get out of there, and the boy that left with him and a grin decorating his face. 

 

No. All those somethings could never mean nothing to the boy in the cafe. The boy in the cafe was real, and he could touch the boy in the cafe. He could feel him, and the boy could feel him back and they could feel like utter idiots together and it was all okay. That boy in the cafe, the dumbass who was convinced that eventually they would all fly off crazily together into the sunset or something like that.

 

He wanted the boy in the cafe back. He remembered the boy in the cafe, and when he focused really hard he could even remember the way that that boy had smiled at him. The smile where Kageyama felt like he was on top of the world and simultaneously too good for it. The smile that, above anything else really, made him feel more alive than the drink or drugs that others his age used. 

 

So even if all of his somethings meant nothing to the Hinata he had (sort of) at the moment, he knew they had meant something to someone at some point, and that was what mattered. And the somethings of the someone had mattered to him too, and he still found them important despite their slight fool-hardly characteristics in some small aspects. That someone was somewhat gone, and it broke his heart a little bit. 

 

But that was okay. Because he believed in the boy in the cafe, and if he tried really hard he could maybe believe in himself. It he tried incredibly hard then maybe,  _ maybe  _ he could fully believe Hinata again. And that was just the next step to finding out what the new boy in the cafe was. Because, really, the boy in the cafe was long gone. The boy in the cafe could not reciprocate the feeling that Kageyama felt for him, because that boy didn’t exist.

 

Hinata did though. Hinata was messed up, Hinata was crazy, and Hinata managed to hurt Kageyama more than almost anyone else. But somewhere in time, Hinata had been the boy in the cafe.

 

So that made him infinitely important. 

  
And definitely worth fighting for.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm ever so incredibly sorry at how late this is, the next two chapters that should be posted today will be coming soon I promise! I've been having a busy life, so I hardly have had time to write recently. I'll also get all these unedited beauties fine and edited soon too.
> 
> Until later!

Sometimes time feels like molasses in winter, and everything seems to take longer than it actually does. Something that should take five minutes feels like ten, and only every once in awhile is there the instance where time seems to fly past as if running from hell fire. Then, you’ll invest your time in more and more things, and suddenly time is flying by every day. The very thing that used to take five minutes is done in seemingly one second, and a weeks pass by like whiffs of candy floss, there then gone. 

 

That was how Kageyama felt. He had invested so much of his time in volleyball and his studies that time seemed to be flying off the calendar pages and away before he could even really experience it. After he hooked up with Hinata, he invested even more time in. He was giving a few first and second years private lessons to better their skills, and he was studying more as well. To put it frankly, the only time he saw Hinata was at school and volleyball, and both places that he saw the redhead he was always making himself busy with something else.

 

The words  _ the boy from the cafe  _ were echoing inside of his head all the time, but going absolutely nowhere. He wanted to pursue Hinata, he really did want to, but there were several things holding him back. First and foremost, Hinata himself seemed to be saying “Stay away from me” and “Leave me alone” with every other thing that came out of his mouth, so the idea of approaching him was frustrating as Kageyama already knew the redhead’s way that he would respond. 

 

So weeks passed by from the time that he saw the brand on Hinata’s hip and the redhead blew up at him for asking about anything (again). It was almost two months since school started that Kageyama let himself have a free moment to think about the troublesome redhead again. The boy from the cafe, if you will. It was frustrating and cold to even let the thought of Hinata permeate his brain. It made him want to kiss the boy and punch him in the face, maybe in that order and maybe not in that order. 

 

It was sunday, so he had to go to school the next day. He hadn’t studied, and he had a stupid test because that teacher had a thing against him, he was sure. Couldn’t anyone have sympathy for a poor conflicted third year student? It was stressful enough to think about university, and then tests, and then teachers having a bone to pick with him. Having to think about and ruin himself more with Hinata was the cherry on top. 

 

He opened his computer, and instead of doing any studying found himself typing the word hearts into the search bar. All it would take was one little click of his mouse and then he’d be back to the world of crazy. Looking at the clues left to him by Shimizu, finding every single possible way that Hinata might be targeted by Queens and how to help him, the works. One little click.

 

Instead he sighed and backspaced. All of it. As much as he wanted to chase after Hinata and know every detail, he couldn’t. As much as he wanted to devote himself to helping Hinata out of the mess he was in because god damn it he loved the redhead and he should be able to help him, he couldn’t. It’s nearly impossible to help someone that doesn’t want you to help them, and though it broke him that was true in Kageyama’s case. 

 

He studied instead. As much as he would have liked to retain the knowledge more and feel confident about every single upcoming exam, he felt like every word that entered his brain slipped right out after only a second. Studying was so ineffective that he was getting frustrated, and after a while just gave up and tried to go to sleep. His brain, though, refused to let him fall asleep. He stayed up late just thinking.

 

When he finally did get to sleep, it was already technically the next day. Kageyama woke up to the sound of his alarm feelings dreadfully tired and already agitated and frustrated. For some reason, he had the feeling it wasn’t going to be a good day.  He went through his morning routine of drinking coffee and getting dressed and such with much more mumbled cursing than usual, and he wanted to punch a wall. He didn’t though, as he already knew from past experience that punching a wall is not a good idea. Him and the wall? Not exactly friends.

 

He headed off to school later than usual, and got there only just a minute or so before the first bell rang. He saw Hinata walking in at the same time as him, and was tempted to brush past him in that rude way that knocks shoulders and makes people glare. He didn’t though, because he could practically feel the steely look that Hinata would give him if he did that, and he didn’t want Hinata to become even more mad at him than he already was. He was just really irritable, that was it. 

 

Instead he tapped Hinata’s shoulder, and the redhead turned to him. As soon as Hinata saw that it was the tall raven haired teen who had tapped his shoulder and not someone he had to pretend to be super cheery around or something, the redhead’s almost pleasant expression on his face dropped. Instead of just walking away and ignoring the raven haired setter, however, Hinata slowed his pace down to match Kageyama’s.

 

“Hey, can I…” the redhead started, and then bit his lip in indecision. The raven haired teen was a bit confused as to how unhostile Hinata was coming off as, but decided to just go with it. Why not? He liked being around Hinata (usually, whenever being around the redhead didn’t involve practically ripping his heart out and throwing it to the imaginary wolves inside of his mind), so why not just let himself enjoy the mediocre times. He had pretty much accepted that looking for good times was perhaps unrealistic, so if mediocre was all he was getting he would just have to learn to love it.

 

Or something like that. 

 

“Yeah?” Kageyama asked, wondering what the smaller teen was trying to get at. It didn’t help that Hinata would often just use vague hand gestures to try and get his points across whenever words weren’t exactly coming to him. That or things like “guaaa” and “bwaa.” The sad thing was that Kageyama hadn’t heard Hinata say either of those in a while. Maybe it was because Hinata wasn’t exactly the happiest person anymore, but maybe it was just because they were both… well, growing up. 

 

“Oh, screw it,” the taller boy heard Hinata say under his breath. Suddenly there was a confident hand pulling at his sleeve and he was being dragged into a bathroom. The fingers gripping his sleeve were familiar to him, of course, and he was faced with odd flashbacks to those thursdays he used to spend with Hinata. The ones full of tugging at his sleeve and laughing in the dark and wishing on aeroplanes that they had thought were stars.

 

He was pushed up against the wall lightly and before he knew it, Hinata’s face was extremely close to his. “Just what,” Kageyama breathed, his words unconfident and his hands going around the lower waist of Hinata, “do you think you are doing, Shoyou?” The redhead got even closer at that, and Kageyama felt he could count every individual eyelash and every little eyebrow hair at how close they were.

 

“No fucking clue,” Hinata answered him, his breath ending up hot on Kageyama’s face. The blue eyed boy nodded ever so slightly, satisfied enough with the fact that Hinata had bothered to answer hi. He was mad at Hinata, sure. Almost constantly he was ready to punch Hinata’s stupid face and call it a day. But he also loved the miserable fucking loser, so it was easier said than done. And then there was the fact that Hinata had Queens after him, of all the people to get on their bad side it had to be Queens.

 

“Glad to know we’re in the same boat then,” the tall raven haired teen muttered, the close proximity to Hinata driving him crazy. It wasn’t like they were kissing, or fighting, or anything really. They really were just doing nothing. He didn’t know why he wasn’t pushing Hinata off of him and going to class. The bell was going to ring soon, he couldn’t afford to be late. He stayed though, and stared into the redhead’s eyes anyway. 

 

“Like I’d want to be in the same boat as you,” Hinata replied in an absentminded sounding way. His words might have been harsh if they had been coupled with that steely look. Maybe if he had been fighting Kageyama only seconds previously. But the words left his mouth sounding almost like a fucked up kind of  hesitant attempt at saying “I love you,” so Kageyama left it alone and didn’t challenge it.

 

“Oh please,” was his reply, “you’d love to be in a boat with me. You love -” he got cut off by Hinata surging forward and laying his lips gently on the raven’s. Kageyama didn’t even try to separate so that he could continue what he was saying earlier, what did it even matter to either of them anyway? Nothing. What mattered was Hinata’s lips kissing his like they were dusted in sugar and his hands tangled up in Kageyama’s dark locks.

 

It wasn’t rough. It wasn’t fast either. It also was nothing more than a kiss.

 

Slowly, gently, Kageyama fell even more and hated himself for it. There was nothing stopping him from walking away, but the tears sliding down Hinata’s face slid into their mouths and onto their lips, and Kageyama felt like shit for not helping the redhead more even when he knew perfectly well how hard Hinata had been making that. His lips were beautiful, and it was a pleasure to know them against his own.

 

A lot of times, Hinata loved like he was going to war. 

 

Like grenades and bombs and biological warfare and hurting so good. Like explosions and passion and red-hot lips tasting of liquor and burning hands and eyes taking over your whole life. Like screams in the night and gunfire and hard and rough and tumbling through the woods and fighting like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do and the most important as well. Like running out of breath and searching for the right wire to cut under pressure and wanting it all to end but more at the same exact time. Like a battle, like a wound, like love was a weakness of sorts.

 

This time, he loved like he was saying goodbye. 

 

His eyes had been welled up a little bit before Kageyama had even tried to say that Hinata loved him, and their banter had killed both of them on the inside a little bit. A voice was chanting words over and over in his head ( _ we’re so fucked up we’re so fucked up we’re so fucked up we’re so fucked up we’re so fucked up oh god we’re so fucked up)  _ and it took him a while to realise it was his own. The kiss pulled apart and they were both breathing heavily. 

 

It was like Hinata had moonshine decorating his lips and they had both gotten tipsy off of it, because they just leaned their foreheads against each other’s and breathed for a little while. Eyes closed, bodies close, and regrets coming closer and closer to the surface of their memories.  _ Why do I love you so? Why is it that I find the most happiness of off your lips and your presence, your laugh and the light you used to bring?  _ He asked himself.

 

“I’m sorry,” Hinata whispered, his lips still so close to Kageyama’s that the tall raven haired teen could feel the little puffs of air that Hinata had shaped into words on his slightly flushed skin. There were so many words Kageyama had expected Hinata to say to him in that moment (“I don’t love you anymore,” or “Goodbye”or “I fucking hate you, Bakageyama”) but none of them were “I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?” Kageyama asked. There were a lot  of things Hinata should have apologized for, and lot less things he would probably ever admit he should apologize for. The amount of things Hinata ever would apologize for was the shortest list, but there were many things he could have been apologising for. Too many things and too many apologies that Kageyama was foolishly waiting for.

 

“I’m sorry for… ” Hinata sighed, his breath catching and eyes scrunching up. He buried his head in Kageyama’s neck, and mumbled, “too… too many things.” The tall raven haired setter forze up the tiniest bit at those words. Hinata was sort of admitting how many times he had screwed up. That was at least a start for the both of them, wasn’t it? He relaxed back, and brought his hands up to card their way through the tangled mess that was Hinata’s hair. 

 

They were so fucked up. No matter how many times he whispered it or screamed it inside of the confines of his brain, it never really stuck the way he knew it should have. It was always more of a “ _ We’re so fucked up, oh my god why do I even love him still after all of this shit will I ever stop loving him, _ ” than a “ _ We’re so fucked up and bad for each other I’ll  just be the bigger person and walk away before we hurt ourselves more than we already have. _ ”

 

Their relationship sucked in the kind of way that no matter how much broken shards of their screw up relationship was hurting the both of them, they would rather stay and hurt themselves over and over again then ever leave. There had been a time when Kageyama was willing to leave and save himself and do his best not to look back. But then he started deciding that Hinata was his ship and he was the captain, and if Hinata was going down then he was going down too.

 

He was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t, so he might as well go down swinging, right?

 

Maybe Kageyama was just being too much if a pessimist about all of it.

 

Or maybe being in love with Hinata was just that suck-ish.

 

The redhead was a special kind of poison. Like the kind that tricks you into thinking that it’s a remedy, but then you find out it had an expiration date or something. While that may have been harsh to think about the shorter boy, Hinata had proved it true time and time again. Kageyama had tried to abstain from drinking the poison, but he just couldn’t help himself. It was almost pitiful.

 

Hinata took a step backwards, his hands retreating from around Kageyama and the raven haired teenager pulled away his touch as well. He wanted to linger, but how could he when he knew exactly what would happen if he did. With Hinata further away it was easy to see the tear streaks down his face, where they had partially dried already on his face. Kageyama couldn’t help but think of how unfairly…  _ pretty _ Hinata looked when he cried. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Hinata said one more time, before biting his lip as if he was going to say something else but then reconsidered. He swallowed roughly and shook his head, leaving Kageyama dumbfounded at what Hinata might have been about to say to him. “I-” Hinata started, but his voice was high pitched and cracky and uncertain sounding to the both of them so he cut off his own sentence. 

 

Without another word Hinata the redhead just turned on his heel and left the bathroom. Not even a simple goodbye. Just the words  _ “I’m sorry”  _ echoing inside Kageyama’s ears. For a brief moment Kageyama wondered if he should be chasing after Hinata. If he should demand to know what the hell that kiss had been. If he should run through hallways, feet pounding and creating loud sounds of his footfalls and echoing throughout the school halls. Should he…?

 

Kageyama bit his lip in agitation, and ran a frenzied hand through his hair. It made his black locks look unruly and wild, and he stared at himself in the mirror. His lips were somewhat swollen, and his eyes were wide and crazed. The blue looked vibrant and subdued somehow simultaneously. “Fuck…” He muttered under his breath, and then splashed some water on his face. 

 

The whole day was spent with losing his mind over little things. A pencil might fall off of someone’s desk midway through class and his head would snap towards it, watching in strange attention as the person would reach down and pick up the pencil from the ground. Fingers bending and brushing over cold inanimate and picking up because when things fall you pick them up, everything gets picked up eventually doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it…?

 

It was a bit annoying how many times he needed to shake his head a little bit to get his mind back to the matter at hand, his lessons. Stupid, dumbass Hinata. With his stupid red hair and the stupid way that he looked unfairly pretty when his eyes were tearing up and his face was getting red and he was biting his lps because goddamnit he was about to cry and really, really didn’t want to. Hinata, and his stupid little hands that Kageyama had so many memories of holding tightly in his own. The same hands that they had compared and seen how much smaller they were than Kageyama’s own hands. The same hands that had caressed strangers with Kageyama only a few feet away.

 

So Hinata was stupid. Big deal. That had already been established long before times of kissing and tasting tears on his lips and the salty bittersweet of soft against his lips and splashing water on faces and getting threatened in the dark with a knife to his throat. It had been established before breakups of silver and daydreams of gold, it had been widely known before the day that the boy in the cafe confessed to the boy with nothing on his mind but how much he wanted the boy in the cafe to please not be just a dream. It had been accepted before the time that Hinata had first looked up at Kageyama and the black haired boy had felt an annoying, strange little flutter in his chest.

 

But it was okay. Because, contrary to the girl sitting to his left in math class who really hoped that those little hearts that Kageyama sometimes drew on his paper when he was bored were for her and oh my god he was so perfect, Kageyama was just as much of an idiot. He was the idiot who drank milk and always had volleyball on his mind and always considered volleyball a valid choice of conversation no matter what the social event. 

 

They were both idiots. That was perfectly alright most of the time, when they weren’t attracting trouble from gangs like  _ Queens  _ or cheating on each other/ breaking each other’s heart. It was perfectly alright for them to be idiots, because they were volleyball idiots and sort of almost had each other (they also had a lot of problems though, so maybe they had a lot too much nothing on their hands). The one thing that may not have been okay was Yachi then expecting Kageyama to act smart for her.

 

Yachi was her own little (not very little) problem all by herself. She had been confusing Kageyama for so long, but he thought maybe he had it sort of figured out. Maybe both of them had simply been trying to protect Hinata from all of the shady stuff going on with Queens. After all, a knife to his throat to somehow protect that stupid redhead spiker from Queens might have been a small price to pay. He just didn’t understand why they hadn’t been upfront about it. They knew that despite all the shit that had gone down between them that Kageyama would always care about Hinata. But maybe they were trying to protect both of them and maybe took it a little bit too far?

 

(Lines weren’t connecting the dots right quite yet, but Kageyama had a feeling that he was close to finally figuring out what the hell Hinata had going on in that crazy fucked up stupid life of his. He was a puzzle piece away from seeing the whole picture as it was, he was sure. He just needed one last clue on how to connect everything together into something that actually made sense.)

 

So, Yachi had been a bit different than she had behaved in her first year. Kageyama had seen her take an entire 180 from the sweet girl she was to the psycho bitch who he had heard yelling at the top of her lungs at Hinata that one times. Something told him it wasn’t the first time. She was more cold to him, and he was fairly certain he couldn’t really call her his friend like he used to be able to. 

 

That explained how utterly confused he was when she came to him the second he entered the gym with an imploring sweet expression on her face, and he was transported through time back to their first year. “Hi, Kageyama,” she began somewhat hesitantly. “I know that you and I might not be on the best of terms right now, but I was wondering if you could help me with something.” He wanted to say no.

 

He wanted to shout it in her face, for all the times recently she had lied to him and confused him. She was no longer the friend i violet he could rely on, crimson deceptiveness was her only colour now and he should definitely not let that knowledge slip. He wanted to say no, no,no, no you can go find someone else to help you out with whatever task you need assistance with because he was staying as far away from her as he could.

 

But he wanted to say yes. Because first and second year, because he still loved her (platonically of course, not in any sense did he love Yachi romantically), and she was one of his very best friends at one point. Even just looking at her filled him with nostalgia that made him want to shake his head to shake away the sadness that silently crept into him at the thought that it was his last year in high school and oh god they had come so far together.

 

After a few moments of no reply he said the only words that he would let himself say to her. “Of course, Yachi.” And then she smiled, that radiant smile that crept over the entire court and filled every single square inch of the damned place. In that moment, he knew many things. He knew how fucking much he wished everything could go back to normal. He knew that Yachi was somewhat the same person he had once known. And, finally, he knew that he was really fucking screwed.

 

It turned out that he wasn’t as screwed as he thought he was, though. All Yachi wanted was help finding someone to take her place like Shimizu had found her. They were going to graduate, after all. She couldn’t leave it up to the second years to find someone when the next year had already started, but she had no idea how to find someone. As Kageyama helped her he found himself thinking that with how utterly  _ easy  _ it was to be around her when she was like this, maybe things were going a little bit back to normal.

 

Baby steps. The boy in the cafe was waiting for him, he just had to be  taking those baby steps to get to him. There was no real need to force it (other than the fact that Hinata was literally getting targeted by  _ Queens _ ), and Kageyama was content (more or less) with the knowledge that he would eventually get there. Sure, the slow pace of only taking baby steps was frustrating, but he hoped that he would still get there. Someday.

 

When he finally got home that day he was faced with the very apparent lack of his mother. It hurt a bit, as he found himself missing her and feeling regret. (Also he really detested doing the dishes).  He regretted not telling her all the fucked up stuff that had happened with Hinata and Oikawa and Yachi and that whole squad of fucked up stuff that seemed to be revolving around Queens like ominous storm clouds forming a tornado. She’d know exactly what to do and say to make everything make sense again, but he had shut her out (the same way he shut out most everything and everyone that could truly help him in the long run). 

 

It was a distinct  _ wrong  _ feeling for her to not have a tea bag on the counter because she was too lazy to throw it away. It felt incredibly strange for the apartment to not feel alive because of how loud her hum was, tuneless and just to the melody going on inside her own brain. It was a bit odd for him to feel the feeling of missing his mom that soon after she would leave, but he supposed that with how screwed up everything else was it would make sense to miss his one really solid aspect in his life.

 

(He was absolutely determined not to think about her hanging from the ceiling in that awful white dress with her eyes all exed out in the worst thing he’d ever seen. He was definitely not going to let himself think about that, because if he let that happen then the next thing he knew he’d be screaming and screaming without realizing it and then there would be half moon shapes on his skin.)

 

Kageyama considered calling his mom. It would really just be for his comfort, but he would have to have an excuse, right? Would he? He wasn’t really certain about anything anymore, and it was a bit disconcerting. He pulled out his phone from his pocket, fiddling with it a little bit before pulling it out and deciding he was going to man up and admit he just wanted to talk to his mom, okay?

 

When he turned it on, however, he saw that he had a lot of unread messages. Some were from that old group chat, with Suga and Daichi commenting on how they were hoping to visit them all soon, and Asahi and Noya saying when they might be able to have a practice match and all. There was the second old group chat, where Noya and Tanaka were still spamming them all with memes regardless of whether or not the two were still in high school. There was the new group chat with Yamaguchi being ever the responsible captain and telling people things regarding schedules and practices and practice matches with other schools and whatnot. Then there was all the texts from people separately. Most of them he decided he didn’t need to reply to, or he just replied in a few short words.

 

But his most recent texts weren’t from Sugawara or from Daichi. They weren’t from Noya (though Noya still hadn’t given up on sending little things to him like memes in hope that Kageyama would finally respond with something other than “Stop spamming me”). The texts weren’t from Tanaka or Yachi (he hadn’t texted her in a while anyways) or any of his kouhais or Yamaguchi. They weren’t even from his mother, which had been the most likely sender.

 

No. the most recent texts he had received, all 15 of them, were from Hinata.

 

**Hinata:** hey so

**Hinata:** i mean like

**Hinata:** well

**Hinata:** ugh

**Hinata:** this sucks

**Hinata:** basically like

**Hinata:** i know i’ve been telling you to stay away from me and all recently but like i can’t stop thinking about this morning and all our recent times together and i think i really miss you and i just want to see you and have thursday again, okay? 

**Hinata:** sorry that was really long

**Hinata:** really i just want to be with you or like around you without it being about /us/

**Hinata:** yknow?

**Hinata:** like all we seem to be is arguing and shit like that recently and i want to be around you without thinking that maybe we’re about to explode again and thats partly my fault ik but like so thats why i dont want us i want you and me if that makes any sense 

**Hinata:** ugh

**Hinata:** i just

**Hinata:** idek

**Hinata:** forget abt it 

 

He stared at the texts for awhile. Hinata… was feeling the same way, more or less? He had thought that Hinata was holding him at arm’s length probably because he couldn’t make up his goddamn mind and Kageyama was too curious about the ins and outs of the fucked upness of Hinata’s life. (Could you blame him though, Hinata was being targeted by  _ Queens _ of all people.)

 

**Kageyama:** if we’re gonna talk abt this its not going to be over text

 

He just knew that with text it would be way easier for Hinata to just stop replying and then all of a sudden say it was just because his phone died. He couldn’t avoid Kageyama as much on the phone, so at least then he would maybe get a somewhat straight answer finally. THe notification noise sounded almost as soon as he so much as sent the message and he looked down to read it.

 

**Hinata:** i mean you could just ignore it

**Hinata:** that would be fine

 

**Kageyama:** no you idiot

 

**Hinata:** fine we’ll talk tomorrow at school then, k?

 

**Kageyama:** okay

 

Okay, he thought to himself. Hinata could avoid him for that much longer, and then he was getting his answer. And maybe the boy in the cafe back too.

  
Baby steps be damned. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry at how late all of this is coming out, and the pure unedited ness of it. I'm trying, just hold with me, okay?
> 
> Much obliged.

After Hinata stopped replying and he had looked at every single other unread message, Kageyama realized that he was an idiot. He had let himself get sucked up into the world of Hinata again, the world of grenades and love like a battle, when he had just wanted to call his mom. That had been the whole point of it all in the long run, and he was all talking to and up and around and about Hinata now.

 

He dialed her number hesitantly, mostly because he had no idea what to say. He could almost swear that every time he heard the ring of the phone acho around inside of his ears he was dying a little bit and every single one of those rings made its curious way up his spine, slowly and savoring it. The phone was gripped tight, and for some reason he felt like he was about to do something important. A bubble formed around him of unease. 

 

“Hello? Tobio?” her voice was like a clear note after measures upon measures upon measures of dissonance. Her sound of Tobio was reflected into him and suddenly his heart could start beating again and his mind wasn’t shaking inside of its cage, just lounging around really. His shoulders had been tense and his spine had been a crumpled mess on the floor, and he was picked up and put together in just the sound of the syllables of his name vaulting off of her tongue and into the phone.

 

“Ah, Hi mom,” he replied, his voice sounding way calmer over than the phone than he actually was in real life. She had calmed him a fuck ton, sure, but he had miles and miles and miles of problems going on inside of him, and a few feet, no matter how recent, were not that substantial as to remove all of the miles. “How are you doing lately? We haven’t really talked much at all.”

 

“Awe, Tobio,” his mother cooed over the phone. “Do you miss me? Do you wish I was coming home already? You’re so sweet!” His cheeks went aflame from how overdramatic his mother was being and how utterly humiliating. He was infinitely grateful that none of his team members were there to witness the call, because he couldn’t take a blow that strong to his dignity.  

 

“Mom,” he complained, almost whining. “Stop it. You’re being gross.” He heard her chuckling over the phone at his reaction to the way she approached him calling her. “Also, shouldn’t you be just grateful that I’m calling you first? Do you even miss me?” His words were teasing and obviously so, but he had to wonder if perhaps he had struck a nerve in his mom for saying them due to her response.

 

“What? Of course I miss you Tobio! I love you!” Her voice had gotten weirdly high pitched, and a second late her voice was back to normal. “I was just teasing Tobio, have a sense of humour.” He rolled his eyes, but then realized she couldn’t tell that he had rolled his eyes because they were talking on the phone together, no in real life. The real trouble of having phone calls, he thought.

 

“Whatever, mom,” he almost rolled his eyes but then remembered that, once again, she wouldn’t see it. What a waste of eye. “You started it with your way of talking like the annoying aunt at family reuinions,” his words might have been a little sharp, but they were nevertheless softened with the gentle cushion of teasing and a hint of laughter residing in the very back of his otherwise harsh tone. 

 

“Tobio,” her voice sounded even more spiced with laugher subtly than it had before. “You do realize that I have never, ever subjected you to a family reuinion, right? You’ve never even met an annoying aunt at something like that. I don’t know if you’ve met any aunts at all, at least not blood related.” He wanted to roll his eyes. Desperately. Why couldn’t she just be home so that he could roll his eyes at her like the pesky, angsty teen he was?

 

“Well, um,” his voice dwindled down to nothing. What could he say in response to that? “Ah. Well, Nishinoya and Tanaka act like the stereotypical annoying aunt anyway, so I totally do know what it’s like to see and have an annoying aunt.” She laughed and laughed at that, and he felt a small smile spread across his face too. Her laughter was unravelling the miles into nothingness, turning roadblocks into grass. 

 

“Do Tanaka and Nishinoya know this,” she choked out when she had calmed down a little bit. He shook his head, smiling wider, then realized she couldn’t see him. What a nuisance it was, talking to someone over a medium that they cannot see your motions. Why did his mother prefer it so much? Ever over something like facetiming, where she would be able to see every little eye roll he made?

 

“Nah,” he replied. “They would prefer for me to think of them as the cool uncles, probably. But they’re the aunts. Ennoshita and Asahi are the uncles, if anything.” His mother started laughing again. He didn’t really think of Nishinoya and Tanaka as people like aunts to him, they were just former teammates, but hearing his mom laugh was so utterly healing for him that he kept making things up on the spot. It was obviously comedic anyway. No one would have had their feelings hurt had they been listening in.

 

“So then,” she continued, her voice sounding light and happy and the best sound for a person who had been right on the brink of just sleeping away all their pain, “What is Hinata to you then?” It was at that moment that he froze. She didn’t know, so he couldn’t blame her. She was under the impression that Hinata and Kageyama had broken up and stayed best friends and though she sort of  disapproved of that, she had let it be.

 

She didn’t know about the sleeping together long after they had broken up and all of the exchanged harsh stony looks (she didn’t know about the sleeping together even while Kageyama and Hinata were still dating, which Kageyama was infinitely grateful for and would never take for granted). She didn’t know about all of the stupid fighting with each other and kicking each other just as soon as they’d kiss each other. She had no idea about the brand on Hinata’s hip, or the one the redhead had left on Kageyama’s heart the day they first met. She couldn’t be blamed for mentioning Hinata, because she simply didn’t know.

 

“Um, he’s well, he’s the…” Kageyama hesitated. What was Hinata? He wasn’t the gross uncle, he wasn’t the cousin or something, he was the… complicated ex that everyone said to stop hooking up with and to stop giving new chances to. He couldn’t say that to his mom though. At least, he couldn’t say it in those exact words. He might actually die if he tried to. 

 

After struggling for a few moments Kageyama spluttered out, “He’s the ‘it’s complicated’?” His mom didn’t laugh at that, in fact, Kageyama was met with a silence after he called Hinata ‘it’s complicated’. The tall raven haired setter wondered if he was about to be barraged with thoughts and opinions and questions about why the hell he was still running around and messing with Hinata when they had already broken up.

 

Her voice was soft when she spoke again. “You… you’re still with Hinata?” She didn’t sound mad, or even the slightest bit judgmental. She didn’t sound rude, of like she was disappointed in him and all of the choices he had ever made in his life concerning a certain short redhead spiker. Instead she just sounded so, so overwhelmingly sympathetic and somehow  _ sorry.  _ She sounded like she was sorry for him, which struck him as a little bit strange. 

 

“Well, I…” His voice faded out again, collapsing underneath the strain of supporting all the little white lies that had snowballed into the huge amount of stress resting on his shoulders practically all the time. It was getting to be too much for him to handle. He was going to collapse soon, just like his voice. He felt like everyone knew it, everyone could see it the moment they met him and their eyes analyzed the tall raven haired setter. “Like I said, it’s… complicated.” 

  
  


“Tobio,” her voice was even and sounded sad for him. “I’m about to tell you something, okay? It’s rather difficult for me to tell you to do, so please keep in mind that I just don’t want either of you two to get hurt, okay?” He nodded again, swallowing, and remembered for what must have been the upteenth time that she couldn’t see his little motions over the phone. Maybe, he started thinking, that was for the better though. 

 

“Um, yeah mom. I’m listening.” He couldn’t help the slight tone of suspicion hiding in the back of his voice, and he found himself hoping that she would just forget about all of what he had said, because he really did not need yet another person treating his little thing with Hinata as the worst of the worst for the both of them. Was love really all that bad to everyone that they felt the need to constantly stop his?

 

“Good,” she almost sighed it out, her voice almost cracking in relief. “Just really, you know about all of Hinata’s struggles he’s been having. What with his mother leaving them, and then his father falling into drinking and gambling after Natsu died… I’m confident you know about all of that, being as close as you are to Hinata.” Kageyama felt his eyes widen in surprise. He had known about all of it more or less, but how did his mom…?

  
“Well,” she continued without the need of his affirmation that he knew about all of that. “He’s had problems that are… deeper too. And if I’m being honest, I want you nowhere close to any of that. The only reason I know is he was confiding in me for advice and help since the very beginning of all of this mess. But really, you two cannot help each other i this. Maybe in time you’ll see how you’re involvement with him can really only hurt the both of you.”


	22. Chapter 22

Ignorance.

 

Some claimed that it was bliss. Kageyama usually liked to argue that it really wasn’t, for many reasons. Things like how ignorance could bite you in the ass later, or cause you to not have solid ground when defending your ideas and opinions. He was also a somewhat nosy person, so not knowing things deliberately made him a special sort of irritated. But overall, he just didn’t like the idea of not knowing something important. The tall raven haired setter could not for the life of him understand what some people meant when they claimed that not knowing things could make you infinitely happier in the long run, whether you chose to heed the advice or not they believed it sound. 

 

When he woke up, the first thing that popped into his head was his dad. Well, maybe not. Just the person who had claimed to be his father, the one that Kageyama had hung up on. The one who had talked about maybe getting together sometime, the one who talked about maybe getting to know each other? After all, he was his father. Shouldn’t they at least try?

 

Kageyama didn’t want to try. 

 

So he didn’t.

 

He blocked the number that had called and claimed to be his father. 

 

Kageyama wanted nothing to do with him. At all. 

 

It was a thursday, he noted it whenever he had gotten up out of bed finally the next morning. He saw on his calendar that, like the day that always came after wednesday tended to be, it was thursday once again. He let himself smile a tiny, sad little smile. He used to have the craziest fun on thursdays. Why thursdays? He wasn’t sure why. Hinata and him had probably had a reason (most likely a stupid one), but he had long forgotten it. It was almost certain that the reason had been spontaneous and really not that exciting, but everything to them on the moment they decided to make thursday their day. Their day to roll down paved roads in shopping carts and go to bars with fake ID’s that Hinata had somehow gotten. Their very own special day. 

 

When he was finished getting ready for the day, and about to leave for school, he received a phone call. The number was odd, and when he answered he had an uneasy feeling that it would be the man claiming to be his dad again. Didn’t the guy get the message? Kageyama wanted nothing to do with him! His father was an awful person, a bad seed, and the day Kageyama willingly talked to him would be the day someone had a gun up against his mother’s head and told him they would shoot if he didn’t. Basically, never.

 

“Hello,” he answered, trying to keep his voice civil sounding if it was someone other than the creep claiming to be his dad. He  _ was  _ a third year after all. He needed to be more mature than that. He also might have been getting a call from any number of universities that he had applied to, so maybe cussing them out would be a bad idea. He had to be more responsible if he was going to make it past this shit stain part of his life, he knew that.

 

“Hello,” a pleasant, female sounding voice replied. “Is this Kageyama Tobio?” So it was a good choice not to be rude off the bat, he reasoned. Go him. Now he just needed to get that shitheadout of his brain so that he could talk to this lady without getting mad for something she had no control over. 

 

“I am he,” he replied, trying to sound smart in case she was from a university. He could feel slight nerves gripping him, just because the idea of it being a university calling mean that he was getting closer and closer to leaving his high school life behind him forever, and he would never be able to come back to it and crawl back into its skin. No, that wasn’t how time worked, sadly enough.

 

“I am so sorry, Mr. Kageyama, but I have some bad news for you,” her voice replied, and he felt time slow down to molasses. He knew it. He knew it was coming. He should have, at least. His lips were swimming in syrup when they asked her to please explain, and his mind was working overtime to compute what was happening as it all froze when she told him in that pitiful voice that his mother, sadly, had been discovered dead in an alleyway that morning, and had the brand of a Queens victim on her.

 

Damn being nice. He hung up while she was mid word, consoling his silence with words he doubted were sincere. She didn’t know him, she had no idea who he was and what he had gone through and he still couldn’t process it. It didn’t make sense. How could it? His mom? Dead…? No. That just couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible.  He settled that inside of his mind resolutely. His mom being dead didn’t make any sense. Plus she had mentioned something about that it was good, at least, that his father lived nearby so it wouldn’t be bad and he wouldn’t even have to move.

 

He didn’t have a father. He knew that. He wouldn’t let a creep on the phone and a woman with a voice too sweet for her own good change what he had already decided for himself. His mother was alive, and he never had a dad. Obviously. Anything else was pure bullshit, and he wasn’t stupid enough to believe it.

 

So he grabbed his school stuff and left for school. She was just a prank caller, right? None of it was true. Queens had not killed his mom, he refused to believe it. He wasn’t an idiot after all. He arrived at school and saw Hinata almost immediately, and when the orange haired boy asked him how he was doing in a pathetic attempt at small talk, Kageyama said, “Fine, except I got a weird phone call this morning. It’s nothing though. I’m sure of it.”

 

As the day went on, he kept thinking back to the call. His mind refused to process it. His mom wasn’t dead, okay? She wasn’t. He would know if she was dead. He would… feel it. He would have had some sort of knowledge before he got that stupid call. It had to be a prank. His mom was full of life, she was like saturated sun. She was far, far too alive to be dead. It was impossible.

 

But as the day crept on, he kept feeling like his denial was more and more far fetched. By the time the school day was over and he was heading to the gym, numb, he had thought that maybe, maybe… it wasn’t a prank. Before entering the gym, he pulled out his phone and went to dial his mom’s number.  She was going to answer, he knew it. He’s tell her about the call in the morning, and she’d laugh. He’d go into practice and smile at Yachi even though she really didn’t deserve a smile because his mom was fine and he had been right all along. 

 

Before he could dial it, though, a different number was calling him. He picked up, hands trembling. “Hello?” he asked, feeling de ja vu to the morning only a few hours earlier. 

 

“Ah, I’m sorry if it’s really creepy to call from a different number this time, but I heard about your mother. She was an incredible woman, and I understand if you’re too shocked or in grief to talk. But you’re in my custody now, so I think we need to talk to each other sooner than later, what do you think?” It was the voice. It was the voice. It was the man who claimed to be his father. 

 

“You’re…” Kageyama could hardly form words. No, no, no, no, no. This wasn’t happening. He could pretend the phone call was a prank, but it was the same voice, the same man, and that meant that his mom was really - “ _ You’re NOT my Dad!”  _ Kageyama yelled into the phone, drawing attention from a first year entering the gym and probably everyone in there that heard him.

 

Yamaguchi poked his head out of the gym. “Kageyama?” he asked, “Are you alright? Something we can help with?” Kageyama blinked, and realized numbly that there were tears streaming down his cheeks. His cheeks didn’t feel warm, his face wasn’t red,he was a slab of marble with tears running down it and splashing into the ground below with pitiful cries for mercy.

 

He moved past Yamaguchi, into the gym, wiping his face. The tears were gone. He could destroy things. He could win today, and all days, and he had to because if he didn’t then his mom was in vain and  _ how could she be gone that made no sense-  _ “Not unless you can bring back the dead,” eh told Yamaguchi, and the other boy’s eyes widened in surprise to what he had said.

 

“Kageyama, what happened?” Yamaguchi asked. They were inside the gym, and all eyes were on Kageyama. Hinata was close by the gym door, and the second years and first years had been talking quietly but now had all of their eyes trained on him. This went beyond the Kageyama/Hinata drama that they were all aware of and most of them steered clear of. This was making Kageyama,  _ Kageyama,  _ cry.

 

“Tobio?” Hinata questioned him in a small whisper, looking up at him through eyes that were hoping for something they knew they would never have. Those eyes were beautiful, Kageyama realised, and he also saw how utterly heart - wrenching it was that they had to look at him as if they knew that they could never hold him, they had him so entirely and somehow they both knew they would not be growing old together.

 

“They got her. Queens did. Queens killed my mom. They murdered her.” His voice was thick, and it was only then that Kageyama accepted truly that he was crying, and he really didn’t give a shit. Someone who was too proud to cry when their mom  _ died  _ deserved no respect and would never have any from him. Who wouldn’t cry if they were in his place? In fact, he was proud of his tears. They became something of a tribute. A tribute to a fallen soldier, someone who never should have died so soon.

 

Everything was quiet. “Then, Hinata. “What?” His whisper was full of rage, and everyone turned their attention to him. Their pity fille looks they had directed at Kageyama turned into looks of surprise directed at his orange haired ex boyfriend. Hinata didn’t care, however, he was looking at Yachi. “You fucking crossed a line, Hitoka,” he said, hsi words practically spit out of his mouth and chock full of rage.

 

She had the nerve to look surprised. “What are you talking about, Shouyou? Look, I know you loved Kageyama’s mom like your own, but that doesn’t make it my-” Hinata’s face scrunched up in pure rage. 

 

“Oh  _ fuck off,  Hitoka.  _ How long, huh? How long are you just gonna fuck your way up the ladder until you can do anything? How long till you realize you’re killed off everyone?! I told you know and I’ll tell you again, you’re nothing but a cheap hole!” Her face adapted to an offended look, and everyone looked at Hinata like he was crazy. Yamaguchi moved to touch the redhead’s shoulder gently. 

 

“Shouyou, maybe you should calm down-”

 

“No!” Hinata flung Yamaguchi’s arm off of him. “Fuck you, Hitoka. Fuck you. Fuck you and your little act, and your titles, and everything. Fuck it.” Hinata’s jaw was clenched to match his fists, and he grabbed Kageyama’s arm, and they started walking out. “We’re gonna have a talk, Tobio. I think you need to know something,” he said, in perfect earshot of Yachi.

 

Kageyama realised, that meant Hinata would actually tell him what was going on of his free will, not because the tall raven black haired teen was pressuring him and trying his hardest to get even the tiniest details. “Shouyou!” They heard the shrill yell right as they were about to exit the gym. They turned around, seeing her clenching her jaw like she couldn’t believe they were making her do this. 

 

“What?” Kageyama responded for the small redhead teen. She breathed in heavily, and everyone was absolutely silent so as to hear the strained and tense conversation. She hesitated only a few seconds, her phone being fiddled with absentmindedly as if she was nervous. Kageyama saw past it, though. He could tell she was far past just being that innocent first year she was when she first started working with them. 

 

“I’d be careful about just what you talk about. You never know what words actually  _ are  _ sticks and stones.” Her face didn’t give it away, but Kageyama could see so much underneath. She was not shallow, she was not a casual hole like Hinata said she was. She was calculating, and she was manipulative as hell.  She was incredibly smart, and Kageyama should have known better than to underestimate her.

 

“You’d do a lot of things, Hitoka,” Hinata replied, his voice dripping with contempt. “More than half of them are despicable.” 

 

“Big word for a small guy,” Kageyama commented under his breath.

 

“Shut up,” Hinata whisper replied, sounding irritated at him too. 

 

And then they were walking out, and Kageyama asked, “So what just are we going to talk about?”

 

Hinata’s expression was all too serious. “Everything. It’s time you knew. I owe it to you, and I owe it to your mom.” He looked up at Kageyama. “Just one thing in advance, though.” The raven haired boy nodded, like he couldn’t wait. The short orange - ish haired boy  took a deep breath.

 

“Please don’t hate me.”

  
  



	23. Chapter 23

The funny thing about life, Kageyama noticed, was that you really hardly noticed subtle change until years later, or until the change is so drastic that you cannot ignore it.  For example, he had not noticed that his he looked very different than he did in his first year until he saw a picture of him in first year compared side by side with a picture of him in the beginning of his third year, and he nearly pushed away the first picture claiming it couldn’t be him. The person he was in first year was shorter, had a meaner look in his eyes, and a less mature face shape., really. Not to mention he didn’t have the earring he got in second year in that first year picture.

 

Whenever he felt like he should push away the photo of him that was both very much Kageyama and very much  _ not  _ Kageyama, he got this weird sort of feeling that could have been nostalgia, it could have been regret, or maybe it was just a headache. Whatever it was, it confused him whenever it came up both in life and in his memory, and he tried to not think about it and the way it made him feel a little dizzy.

 

That was the feeling he got when he stepped into Hinata’s bedroom, and realized that the walls were grey and the curtains had turned into blinds. When he realized he wouldn’t have to text his mom (probably call, because she was like that) because the look on Hinata’s face said they’d be talking until it was late and she would be worried about where he was and if he was home safe. When he realized that he had probably been in this room more times now feeling confused and hurt and so very, very wrong than he had been in this room and felt on top of the entire world. 

 

“Sit down,” Hinata muttered, and Kageyama felt the tiniest of flushes on his neck because he had already flopped into legs criss crossed on the redhead’s bed a second before Hinata told him to sit down. Well, whatever. Manners could go suck a dick, his mom was dead(fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck that felt so wrong and it was still swirling inside him and how could she be nononononono it had to be wrong) and he wanted answers.

 

And finally, finally, Hinata was willing to give him exactly that.

 

“Okay,” Kageyama started after there was a moment of silence when Hinata had sat down a breathable distance away from him on the very same bed. There were several memories that were associated with that bed that Kageyama was being pulled to reflect on simply because of how jarring and attention catching they were, bt he attempted to push that aside. This was more important than sex. “So, I guess, start from the beginning?” 

 

Hinata nodded, looking solemn. His red hair was catching broken shards of light from behind the blinds, the scrambled rays lighting up small arbitrary features. A crooked tooth, an eye that looked so alive and so dead at the same time it should not have been possible for it to exist. A hand, that despite it growing had always remained much smaller than Kageyama’s own hand. 

 

“I guess it was near the very end of first year. We had started dating not long after it. My mom was having fights with my dad a lot, and I hated it. I left the house a lot, wanting to be alone, and one day I was just walking around town when I chanced on Tooru. I was in one of the nastier places of the city, I guess, and apparently there was a guy following me that I hadn’t noticed. Tooru told me, and eat up the guy for me after we tricked him into trying to pull a knife on me.” Kageyama blinked. He had no idea about any of this.

 

“Soon after, we kind of became friends.  We went into the nastier bits of town a lot when my parents were fighting, just not on thursdays you know, because those were devoted to you. Anyway, my mom left one day and that was the first time I joined him in beating up someone who thought they could pull something on the boys who looked like they were soft and from the suburbs. And I won’t lie, Tobio. It felt really, really  _ good. _ ”

 

There was a glint in Hinata’s eye when he murmured the last bit, and his eye contact was confident and not regretful. That. That, Kageyama felt, was the thing he was afraid of when he looked into Oikawa Tooru’s eyes to find steel and scars. The  little bit that screamed that it could hurt people and like it, that remorse was a foreign emotion to him.

 

He nodded, as if to motion to the smaller boy to continue. He did. “Not long after that, Natsu was diagnosed with cancer. By that time we were already dating, and I’m pretty sure the night that I found out about Natsu was the night I got us fake ID’s and we went bar hopping. I know you didn’t exactly have fun, but god that was a good time for me at least. Thanks for putting up with me back then, by the way. At least for as long as you could or were willing to, I guess.” Kageyama wasn’t exactly sure if Hinata was being sincere or not, so he stayed silent.

 

He remembered that night too. It was the first night that he had seen Hinata kiss the lips off of someone other than him, and he had felt that coiling, black snake inside of him. He had been confused, because maybe Hinata thought that it didn’t count as cheating because he was delusional and a dumbass and thought that Kageyama was okay with it? Whenever a stranger had dragged Hinata off to the bathroom and Kageyama followed to find the guy’s dick in Hinata’s ass, he was forced to the conclusion that Hinata really just didn’t give a shit about what he thought, 

 

“What does this have to do with my mom?” Kageyama asked impatiently. Hinata winced, and nodded.

 

“Yeah, yeah okay. Well, Whenever I tried to bring up the subject of Natsu or my mom to you I felt my words crawling back into my throat, but your mom was always okay with me shooting her a quick text and asking to meet up with me for some support. I could rant to her for as long as I needed and she’d just listen, and honestly tell me what she thought afterwards. I’m pretty sure she kind of hated me for a little while, because I told her about what happened on those nights that I dragged you out of your room and erm… had flings with people who … weren’t you. She actually told me that I should break up with you to stop hurting you more, but… I guess we both see how well that turned out. I mean, I wasn’t even able to do it. You had to. But that’s getting off topic.”

 

There was a small monster curling up and out of sight in Kageyama’s throat, he felt if he spoke he might wake it up, so he kept quiet. “So, I kept hanging around Tooru, of course I never brought it up, but I was. He was a good friend, I have to say. For the little time that we were together, I think that Tooru was my best friend. Then things got bad, and that was about halfway through our relationship. My dad couldn’t find any way to possibly pay the fees to treat Natsu’s cancer, and when he told me I witnessed him having an anxiety attack. We couldn’t find my mom, she had abandoned all of us. Natsu was crying all the time, she didn’t really understand what was going on, only that she thought she was the reason everything had gone bad.” 

 

Hinata’s voice was thick with sorrow. A hollow chord vibrated every time that he opened his mouth, one full of loss and longing to make things better and a feeling of inability to do just that. Kageyama could feel the chord echoing back from him.  “I went to the two people that I felt like I could talk to, the people I was most vulnerable with. I wanted one for those people to be you, but I was scared of disappointing you, Of… I don’t know, ruining myself in your eyes. I totally saved myself from doing that there, no didn’t I?” Hinata joked in a sick, not funny sort of way.

 

“I think it was a day or two before you broke up with me that Tooru gave me a solution. A fuckign awful one that has ruined all chances of happiness and a normal life even up to right now, but you can say he tried. Sort of. He was already a part of this thing, you see. It was shy he knew the streets like the back of his hand, and the reason that he kind of had a reputation and his name could scare people in those places in town we frequented together.” The redhead took a moment to sigh, and it rippled through him like rapids down the creek of all his sorrows.

 

“He told me that he could help me get the money I needed to pay for Natsu’s treatment, I only needed to do some jobs for him. That was it at first. Then when I asked how much I was making for each one, it was only the tiniest fraction of what I needed for Natsu. And don’t get me wrong, he never wanted what came next for me. Please don’t blame him.” 

 

Kagayama wanted to ignore those words and go ahead and blame Oikawa, after all the tall brunette setter had spawned nightmares and paranoia to spring up in his mind. But he was listening. He had to remember that. “I’ll… postpone making my judgement after hearing the rest of the story,” he conceded, and he watched as Hinata visibly relaxed, a tiny smile  spreading to his pink lips.

 

“Well, when I asked him about it, he told me more about why he could give me money for this. It was because he was part of an organization, and by having me do the little errands he was able to give me money. The errands were the things the organization wanted down, so he was a sort of medium to get jobs for me from the organization and then give me the payment after I had completed him. But he told me I could make more if I only committed to it a little bit more. I was desperate.” He sighed again.

 

“You had broken up with me. Yamaguchi was kind of ignoring me because he heard what I did to you from Tsukishima. And Tsukishima, oh that was something. At first I just thought it was weird that you guys were friends, but I figured it was just him comforting you. Then only like two weeks later you two were dating and making out in front of me like you needed to shove it in my face that I had lost you. In short, I was hurting and didn’t care what it took to get the money I needed to save my little sister. I didn’t feel like I had anything to hold onto, so I fell down the rabbit hole, if you will.”

 

Kageyama was about to open his mouth, but Hinata put up a single finger to silence him. “Wait. I know that you’re probably thinking that it sounds like I’m blaming you, but please just believe me when I say that I really honestly don’t. Sure, you kinda fucked up a few things, but you didn’t make my decisions for me. I accept that. When I was less mature, yeah, I kinda blamed you a bit, but I know now that honestly I could never blame you for that, it would be like blaming my carpet for when I stub my toe.”

 

The tall raven haired setter relaxed then. “Okay. Thanks for that, I suppose.” Kageyama knew that Hinata didn’t blame him for all the shit now, but he was two things, and one of them was blaming himself slightly even though he knew that he shouldn’t have been because even Hinata wasn’t blaming him in the first place. Secondly, he was very curious about what the hell the organization that Hinata was talking about was. He had a small inkling of an idea, a tiny clue, but he thought that couldn’t be right. He shouldn’t jump to conclusions like that.

 

Hinata looked more peaceful. “So, I asked more about the organization. It was kind of scary, but I agreed. This was about the time that he first showed up in our gym at a practice. We didn’t really know how to explain our relationship, because just friends didn’t explain why I would need to be gone all the time, so we kind of… stretched the truth a bit, I’ll admit. I hadn’t fully committed yet, I needed to get the final thing done. I had to prove myself first, I guess.”

 

Something occurred to Kageyama. “So, you stretched the truth? Does that mean you and Oikawa never actually fucked?” Hinata looked awkward for a second, and then scrunched up his nose.

 

“Well, we weren’t fuckbuddies, per say. Not the way we made it out to be at least. But we did have sex at Tanaka’s party when we were drunk. Other than that we didn’t. I think you already know that he has a boyfriend. He was so torn up over the fact that we fucked and he had no idea what to tell Iwaizumi…” Hinata looked sad again. Kageyama wondered where their friendship turned sour if Hinata seemed to care  for Oikawa then but was resentful later.

 

“Oh,” Kageyama replied, his voice fading away, and maybe hiding inside one of the grey alcoves in the air, wishing it could just say that he loved a stupid love and fought a fight with no meaning, but it was a coward, like he was as well.]

 

“Well? Did you get in with this organization and do what you needed to do to save Natsu?” That was what he asked. Not anything about them, as a whatever they were, but about the stupid organization that Kageyama had a very bad coiling feeling in his gut he would not like very much at all.

 

Hinata looked at the wall with a pained expression and then at the floor and then at Kageyama. He looked like he wanted to say something really, really badly. “Please, please don’t hate me,” he pleaded finally, and Kageyama nodded. Hadn’t they already established that no matter how awful Hinata had been? The boy took a deep breath, and finally said with his voice loud and clear. “I killed Bokuto. That was what I needed to do to probe my loyalty. It wasn’t that it had to be him, but he was in the wrong place in the wrong time and it ended up being him that I had to kill and … yeah. I guess it’s pretty self explanatory what my line of work in the organization is.”

 

Kageyama simply stared. He knew what the redhead had said, yes, but it was the same sort of nature as the news about the tall ravenette’s mom. First he heard the news. It felt wrong. It felt strange. It was most definitely impossible. Then, slowly, the gear clicked in places in his head and he realised… Hinata was… Hinata was… a killer. A liar, a gang member, he was not being tracked and attacked by Queens, but, “You’re a member of Queens?!” Kageyama exclaimed, my eyes seeming impossibly wide, stretching out my face the same way the tall dark haired setter could never stretch the truth enough to make what Hinata had done in any way shape or form acceptable.

 

He looked down, his mouth wrought in a grimace made of painful steel and fragile glass, he was cracking and Kageyama saw a single tear slip down his cheek with no sound attached to it at all, he was already broken, he was shattered, he was just somehow holding himself together desperately and the shards were somehow staying in place but the cracks criss crossed his face and body all over as soon as Kageyama knew to look for them. He wanted to wipe away the tear. To tell Hinata that it was all going to be okay. 

 

But the only thing that he could think of was the god awful expression on Akaashi’s face at Bokuto’s funeral. 

 

Hinata didn’t ask for comfort. He kept looking down, his hands clutching the blankets of his bed with the grip that maybe he used on the knife or gun or whatever instrument it was to kill Bokuto with. His shoulders shook once, but he had become an obvious master at self control. He was an excellent actor. And Kageyama… well, Kageyama felt like a perfectly awful idiot.

 

How had he not made the connection. He should have remembered that Queens victims never have the brand on their hip. It’s the ankle area, that’s where they left the victim brand. And how could Hinata have gotten away with the brand, everyone knew they gave the brand right before they gave the killing shot to the head. How could he have ignored the very obvious hints? Hearts? That clicked. It was an obvious reference to that the Queen of Spades, who was often called The Bitch, was… oh god. The Bitch. “And the Bitch is…” Kageyama trailed off, looking at Hinata with eyes filled with horror.

 

Hinata nodded. “Yeah. The Bitch is Shimizu Kiyoko.” Kageyama gripped the skin of his face harshly with his hands. Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod. Shimizu, one of the people he had looked up to in his first year, was a member of Queens… Fuck, she was a Queen herself! One of the main leaders of the gang! There was a Queen for each suit in a deck of cards, hearts, diamonds, clubs, and  _ spades.  _ And Shimizu was the  _ Queen Of Spades.  _

 

“I’m going to continue with the story, because you deserve to hear the rest. You deserve to know why.” Hinata’s voice sounded as fragile as an autumn leaf quavering and trembling as it clung to a tree, begging for the next strong gust to not take him away and make him lose himself. It was a battle that was doomed from the start, destined for failure.

 

I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to speak gain without it ending up with me screaming at him. 

 

“Now, you know how as time went by both Yachi, Tooru and I’s boss, obviously as she’s head servant or whatever to The Bitch,  and Tooru told you to stay away from me, and they told me the same. They probably told you it was for both your good and mine. Well, they were right. They really do care about us. Sure, Yachi turned out to be pretty bitchy herself and she’s nowhere near to the person she was when I used to be able to call her my friend, being in Queens tends to do that to you, and Tooru gets a little itchy and I think threatened you with  knife, but they really just didn’t want things to end up the way they have now.”

 

He sighed. “That was what really pushed me away from Tooru. He was my boss, and while I was falling in love with you again and again and more and more, and watching you break up with Tsukishima and trying to stay away from you and focus on my job… well, you can tell I guess that I’m not the best at not cracking under pressure. I tried my hardest though. You were always asking these questions about what the thing on my hip was, or why you saw Tooru kissing Iwaizumi when he was supposedly my friend with benefits.”

 

A sort of wry smile crossed over Hinata’s lips, only a tad bitter, mostly looking a sorry little mix of nostalgic and sad. “A right pain in the ass, you are. Imagine trying to keep a million important secrets from the one person you want to be close to again the  most. Imagine then, your little sister…” Hinata’s voice trialed off, and the redhead boy bit down on his lower lip hard, looking only a bit away from drawing blood. 

 

“So, Natsu’s death was definitely the tipping point. The point at which I stopped giving a shit. Well, I sort of did. I kind of half heartedly was following orders. But I didn’t want to kill. I didn’t want to do anything for that fucking organization. They had promised me my sister. They had promised her life. They failed. What did I owe them?” Hinata laughed bitterly, more of a said bark than anything. “A lot, actually. I knew what I was getting into with Queens, I just didn’t know that it would all be for nothing. Well, I guess that proves to never get into gangs.”

 

Kageyama didn’t laugh along with him. He didn’t  think he expected the tall setter to anyways.

 

“I started talking to your mom more. She was a good help in getting over the death of Natsu. I’m still not, by the way, but she’s a fuckign saint your om. Or… was, I guess. Sorry.” He paused for a moment, wincing as if he was truly sorry for bringing up Kageyama’s  mom like that.  _ Was.  _ The word, thoguh it had never early bothered him before, was like an itch he couldn’t scratch. He felt like if he could he would itch it out him until till his skin was red.

 

“She was really disappointed in me that I started sleeping with you again. She said I was just leading you on, and that she wouldn’t interfere but she really thought I was damaging you and I ought to take you into consideration more often. I almost told you everything after talking to her so many times. I loved your mother, she was a good friend. When she got that business trip I knew it was a warning to me. To stop fooling around with you.”

 

A wave of defensive feelings rose up inside for Kageyama. “Why the fuck did they care?”

 

Hinata sighed again. He seemed so defeated it was almost killing Kageyama to watch him. It was certainly causing Kageyama to be confused, because on one hand Hinata was telling about  thing after thing that he had done or that one of his partners in crime had done ever so casually, but he seemed to hate himself for it and hate the organization too. Seeing Hinata looked defeated was something Kageyama had never liked. 

“Well, Tobio, for one they were worried I would tell you everything. I know a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t, but that’s just because the Queen of Hearts saw me and thought I was young and hot and gave me a fuck ton of money for a lay, and in the deal I was able to sneak out a bunch of details that should definitely not be in my hands. I’m not going to tell you them, though. I don’t want to kill you, which is what I would be practically doing if anyone found out that you know things on that level. Sorry.” 

 

Kageyama stared at Hinata. “So wait, when did you become a prostitute?” Now he just sounded confused. Wasn’t that worthwhile enough to include in the main story and not just as a side note?

 

Hinata frowned. “I’m  _ not  _ a prostitute.”

 

“Well you accepted money in exchange for sex, I think that makes you a prostitute.”

 

“No it fucking doesn’t, now drop it, okay Tobio?” Hinata looked particularly mad at the whole prostitute talk, to Kageyama decided to let it slide, if even just for then. Kageyama nodded, and the smaller redhead boy visibly relaxed. “So, yeah. That’s the first reason. Secondly, I hope you realise the only reason that you aren’t dead right now is because of me, and we’ve both been pushing it?” Kageyama looked at Hinata like he couldn’t possibly be serious.

 

“Honestly, you idiot. You’ve managed to enrage three members of Queens, Kageyama, one of them a fucking Queen herself. If it weren’t for me begging to Yachi not to kill you and telling her that I promise not to tell you shit, then you’d be dead.” A dead cold weight feeling dropped in Kageyama’s stomach. The realisation was hitting him like a sucker punch. He knew he was desperate, but not for death. For revenge.

 

“But… you’re telling me right now… and Yachi knows…” Kageyama murmured, looking at Hinata in a concerned way. The redhead smiled the slightest bit, almost laughing at him. 

 

“Oh, Tobio. I’ve been spinning lies in their faces for a while now, as long as I give them what they want they usually believe me. If not they’ll have a small trial thing for me, which I’ll easily be able to prove my innocence with. There are no cameras here, and I could just claim I told you some story to keep you from snooping any longer. And even though he knows, Tooru does, he’ll still testify for me. He’d better, after all, because he got me into this mess in the first place. And he knows I’ve got blackmail on him, I could tell Yachi about Iwaizumi and then they might go off and kill Oikawa’s boyfriend if he steps even a toe out of line.”

 

Kageyama blinked. He knew that Hinata was not exactly on the moral high ground in everything (the face Akaashi had at the funeral flashed in his head again, dark coffins and tears), but he didn’t know that Hinata would be willing to go to that level just to save his own ass. Well, and Kageyama’s too, he supposed. “So, I guess they were right after all, Yachi and Tooru. We both really would have been better off without each other. No gangs after me and no you having to save my ass from them, at least.”

 

Hinata shrugged. “Yeah. And your mom would… well. I think it’s pretty obvious that they were fed up with us breaking their rules a lot. They’re too important to let some high school kids figuratively flip them off all the time. I think we’ve actually caused Oikawa a grey hair or too, since he’s in charge of me and I’m kind of his responsibility. I’m not sure how much trouble he’d be in if I totally went overboard and betrayed Queens, but I know it would be a lot.”

  
The tall raven haired setter looked down at his hands. “So my mom… it was all just to warn me to fuck off? Leave you alone??” Hinata nodded, looking pained. Kageyama felt his hand close into a fist, and his nose scrunched up. “Well, you can go tell your little organization to fuck off themselves, because no one gets to hurt my mom and pretend they can boss me around.” He clenched his jaw. “No one.”


	24. Chapter 24

At the next practice, Yachi pulled Hinata to the side near the very beginning of practice, everyone eyeing them out of their peripheral vision and simultaneously pretending that they were all just minding their own business. They had all been there when Hinata had gone off on Yachi and told her to Fuck Off. They all saw how enraged he was at her, and they all knew that for some reason he was blaming her for the fact that Kageyama’s mom had died. 

 

Kageyama himself was just dark. His eyes were not hollow, they were ablaze. Whenever someone might look him in the eyes and try to talk to him, often their voices would fade away and they would lose track of what they were saying because Kageyama looked like he could honestly snap a man’s neck like it was nothing  when he had that look in his eyes. On the inside he was screaming for blood of whichever Queens member had killed his mother. On the outside he looked about ready to kill the person himself. 

 

Still, he managed to co captain more or less well. Everyone understood that they should really just not mention his mom, unless they wanted him to leave the gym for five minutes abruptly after the question was asked and return several minutes later with his arms covered in what looked like scratched from human nails. To be truthful, he was downright terrifying. 

 

After Hinata and Yachi finished talking in their hushed voices and dangerous eyes, however, Hinata returned to the practice like it was nothing, and Yachi pulled out her phone and stepped outside of the gym for most of the rest of the practice, talking in a hushed voice that no one was daring enough to get close enough to eavesdrop on what she was saying. No one was that suicidal, anyway.

 

As weeks went by and it was suddenly but really not suddenly a month since Kageyama had lost his mother, he seemed better. Somehow it got leaked out to the volleyball team that he was staying with his father after his mom died, who had mysteriously resurfaced in his life only a little while before his mom died. He hated it there, so a lot of the times he ended up sleeping over at Hinata’s, or crashing at Yamaguchi’s, or just staying late enough after practice that his dad would already be asleep by the time he got back to his father’s house. 

 

None of them in particular (Other than Tsukishima, Hinata, and Yamaguchi) knew  _ why  _ he hated his father so much, why he took every chance that he had to get out of that house and as far away from that man as he possibly could, but they figured it had to be something bad. Even so, the first and second years kept their whispers to just that whispers, and remembered that they could never let their gossip reach the third year’s ears, especially not Kageyama’s. 

 

The tall raven haired setter learned how to hide the fire in his eyes better. Though it was to be expected, he had been consoled, that he would be mad and crazy looking and ready to punch a wall at the mere mention of Queens (Who gossip about them had been practically boycotted in the gym because the younger students knew that Kageyama’s ears were especially keen to the sound of someone talking about Queens), because he had a right to be. Yamaguchi told him that one night when kageyama had been staying at Yamaguchi’s, and the soft eyes boy had tried to talk to him about it.

 

The ending result was Kageyama struggling to breathe as he remembered knives and black exs over his mom’s eyes and hanging from the ceiling in a white dress and his dream might as well have been reality because his mom died at the hands of Queens anyway, didn’t she? Just like how he had dreamed dhe would. Just like how he had been hoping would never, ever happen. 

 

Yamaguchi wondered if he should contact Kageyama’s father about getting the setter professional help. But he didn’t know if he could trust Kageyama’s father, based off of what he had heard. Overall, he wanted to help Kageyama. He hated seeing his friend so upset, and wanted to see him get better. He just wanted his friend to not have a panic attack at the mere mention of a knife. That might have been exaggerating a little bit, but only a little. Only a little. 

So it was halfway through the summer break of school, and there was a practice scheduled that Kageyama just came from Yamaguchi’s togo to. He hadn’t seen Hinata since maybe two practices ago, because the redhead had seemed more overdrawn and pale and sad looking than ever the past few weeks and seemed stressed out of his mind. So, he had been absent from a few practices. The funny thing was that the very same days Hinata wasn’t there were also the days that Yachi mysteriously “was sick” as well. Yamaguchi told him he was just reading into far too much when Kageyama commented on it, and he nodded in reply. Probably.

 

(But maybe not.)

 

Because the night before he had slept over at Yamaguchi’s instead of going back to that awful apartment that he had been forced to move into that his dad called home because he wasn’t an adult yet and was forced by law to live with his father, he was in a pretty okay mood. Sure, they were both kind of tired because they had marathoned Naruto until the wee hours of the morning, but he was still more or less content. 

 

In fact, he hadn’t even thought about his mom, Queens or anything revolving around that whole mess. The only sort of thought was the noting of Hinata not being there, and even then he purposefully made sure to block it out. He was happy, sort of. He had good friends (Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, who had mended ties with after some help from Yamaguchi) who cared about him and made him feel not lonely whenever his demons were doing the thing where they rampaged through his brain again. 

 

Who would have thought that Kageyama Tobio, King of the Court and more salty than the dead sea itself would grow to become good friends with someone as pure and sweet and kind as Yamaguchi and someone so very alike him in the way that it made him want to rip out his hair and yell profanities at him like Tsukishima? Certainly not him. But there he was, feeling cared for adn somehow making it through life.

 

He wanted to add Hinata to the list of people he knew that had his back, that eh could trust, that cared about him and he could call anytime and he would pick him up and drive through town or (for example) marathon Naruto until their eyes felt like they were bleeding, but he couldn’t. Not without feeling like he was pretty seriously bullshitting himself yet again. Because as much as he wanted to trust him and believe all those things about him, Hinata was a hot fucking mess who Kageyama knew needed more help than even the tall raven haired setter himself, and to Kageyama that was seriously saying something. 

 

So when Oikawa came bursting through the gym door with a red face and messed up hair and looking like he had just been running pretty fuckign fast because he was panting like he was dying and everyone knew that Oikawa Tooru was athletic as hell, that was really the first time that Queens had crossed Kageyama’s mind freely that day. He wanted to rip Oikawa’s head from his shoulders was his first thought, because Oikawa was part of Queens and Queens killed his mom and he hated everyone in Queens with a fiery passion (except for Hinata. Not aht he didn’t hate Hinata, he just also loved him and hated him for reasons beyond being a member of the gang that killed his mom).

 

A black blossom of hate and despair and loss was growing up rapidly inside of Kageyama’s chest as he looked at Oikawa, and the few people who saw his face must have noticed it. One of them was Yamaguchi, who quickly put his hand on Kageyama’s shoulder and muttered, “whatever it is, it’s not worth it right now, Tobio,” which calmed down the raven haired setter a little bit. Only a few people had even noticed Oikawa at all though. 

 

He had entered like Hinata might if he had slept late and realized he was late for practice, so they were kind of used to people (Hinata) entering that way. They were noticing it was Oikawa more by the second though, as people stopped practicing and stared at the handsome brunette setter gasping for breath in the doorway of their gym. Slow murmurs started, but no one asked “Who’s that?” in hushed voices anymore because by now they all knew exactly who Oikawa Tooru was (Or at least who the brunette ex - captain wanted everyone to think he was). 

 

“Is Hinata here?” Oikawa asked, his voice only wheezing a little bit. Kageyama took a few steps closer, Yamaguchi’s hand slipping off of his shoulder in the process, and noticed that Oikawa looked like he had been run over by a truck, frozen, and then microwaved. His usually well kept hair was frizzy and all over, his eyes were wide and bloodshot and had huge bags under them. On his cheek there was a bruise in the shape of a hand, like had gotten slapped. Kageyama felt a wave of de ja vu come over him, because the way that Oikawa looked reminded him a lot of how Hinata did. How much of the same stress were they balancing on their shoulders? He tried to remind himself that Oikawa had at least tried to help Hinata, tried being the key word. 

 

Yamaguchi opened his mouth but Tsukishima beat him to it, saying in a terse and annoyed tone, “The shrimp skimped out of practice today, go find a lay somewhere else you peice of shit.” Although it was a little bit harsh, Tsukishima had been there when Kageyama had finally let them know how much it fuckign hurt whenever Hinata would go off with Oikawa and kinda say a nonverbal fuck you to the black haired setter. Tsukishima had been a pain in the ass rival, a hella easily jealous boyfriend, and became an extremely protective friend. No one was going to give his friend shit if he could help it.

 

“Tsukki! At least say crap, please?” Yamaguchi scolded him lightly, the hand that had been on Kageyama’s arm reached up and tilted the blonde boy’s face towards him gently. The harsh, pissed off lines of Tsukishima’s face softened just a bit, and he nodded only a little bit with a kind of strangled little sigh in his throat suggesting he was way more irritated than even his rude words had suggested. 

 

“I’ll have you know, you fuckwad, that this is more important than getting laid, okay?! Hinata was supposed to meet up with me, he was supposed to check in, I don’t know if you’re more of an idiot than you look but if Kageyama has told you anything you should know this is more serious than me wanting a quick and easy lay!” The words came out like he was spitting them in disgust, and Tsukishima and Yamaguchi turned to him with confused expressions on their faces. Before things could escalate even further, Kageyama silenced both of them by stepping further.

 

He reined in his black anger, trying to be the bigger person like Yamaguchi said. “Look, Oikawa. He’s not here. We told you. We don’t know where he is, sorry we can’t help you. Now, we’d like to get back to our practice and you’re quite a big distraction, so we’ll be asking you to go on your way, now.” His words sounded calm but he was clenching his fists so hard he knew that there would be little half moon imprints on his palm left by his fingernails. 

 

Oikawa looked like he wanted to say more, but he let out a little scream of frustration instead and turned on his heel, leaving to go find Hinata like his life depended on it. “Good job, I’m proud of you Tobio,” Yamaguchi muttered under his breath near the tall black haired setter so that only Kageyama could hear him. They stood there for a few seconds, the air still tense as the others went back to practicing.  The ravenette’s head was whirling, though, and he turned to Yamaguchi with a hopeless expression on his face.

 

“I know that I’m a co captain but I really - “ he was cut off by a finger on his lips and a sad smile from Yamaguchi.

 

“It’s okay. I get it. Go if you need to. We understand.” Kageyama gave Yamaguchi a grateful smile as he left, seeing Tsukishima lightly guide Yamaguchi to near a corner so they could talk. Probably about him and Hinata and Oikawa and all that mess, Kageyama figured as he exited the gym, searching for where Oikawa had gone. He saw a glimpse of the other turning  around a corner, and quickly started running after him.

 

He debated calling after the other, but he decided against it. As he reached the corner, he turned it to see Oikawa even further ahead of him than he had been. “Fuck,” muttered Kageyama, running even faster in an effort to catch up. 

 

When the tall setter turned the next corner that Oikawa had just passed, though, instead of seeing the brunette far ahead of him still he ran into a hard wall of muscle and human. He looked up to see Oikawa frowning down at him, and his heart leapt up into his throat. He remembered knives to his throat and found it a little bit hard to breathe, as he realized maybe running after the person who had once threatened him with a knife was maybe a bad idea.

 

“And what,” Oikawa started, his voice low and dangerous, “exactly do you think you’re doing following me, Tobio?” The black haired setter swallowed roughly in his throat, knowing he had probably made a stupid and rash choice by out of nowhere following Oikawa. But he knew that he needed to see Hinata. If Hinata was missing he needed to be part of the effort to find him. 

 

“I want to find Hinata too,” Kageyama said boldly, looking Oikawa right in his hard brown eyes. They flashed with something that reminded the blue eyed teenager of steel blades, and Oikawa looked down at Kageyama like the other teenager was full of shit.

 

“Look, Tobio. I know Yachi is pretending to buy that cheap ass story Hinata told her about how all he did was put on a show to tell you something phony to get you off his case. No one really believes that shit. The only reason you aren’t dead right now is me, because I convinced Yachi to give him another chance. Maybe you don’t get what that means, but basically if Hinata gets in trouble, which will probably be because of you, my ass gets frid too! So maybe you should just fuck off before you get someone else killed, okay?!” 

 

Kageyama knew his eyes were wide in astonishment, but he couldn’t find it inside himself to care. Oikawa had … helped him? Why would the setter do that? Oikawa seemed to realize what Kageyama was thinking, and he pushed the black haired boy away from him a little bit roughly, his facial expression tinged with something that looked akin to disgust and regret. 

 

“I didn’t do it for you, you piece of shit. You’re proven over and over again to be nothing but trouble for Hinata, and you’ve hurt him more than you can imagine. I’m doing it for Hinata, because I don’t want him to die over a stupid fuck like you and his warped love. I know that Hinata and I aren’t on the best of terms right now, but I fuckign care about him, okay? Don’t mistake any of this that I’ve done like it’s for your selfish ass. It’s all for Hinata.”

 

“I get it.” His voice was quiet, but not soft. He was glaring at Oikawa, and Oikawa was glaring back, but h felt like on some level they both understood that the other truly did care about Hinata. Maybe they didn’t approve of it, maybe they thought that the other person was an awful person for Hinata and that the redhead would be better off without, but they understood the basic thought that they both loved him, whether that love was platonic or romantic. 

 

Kageyama debated for a moment bining up Iwaizumi. It would be cruel, he knew, to do that to Oikawa, but then again wasnt it cruel to kill someone’s Mom? And Oikawa was in Queens, he could have done it. Kageyama had no idea who exactly killed his mom,, just Queens. So it could be Oikawa. In that light, was it really all that cruel to bring up Iwaizumi when Oikawa could have been the one to have killed the tall raven haired setter’s mother?

 

In the moment of time that he hesitated and debated bringing up Iwaizumi, the ever mysterious boyfriend of Oikawa, the taller setter sneered and pushed Kageyama away a bit one last time before turning around sharply and walking away. “Don’t forget it,: were the last words Oikawa called out, his voice lilting and almost teasing sounding, but they both knew there was no friendliness behind it. 

Even though he knew it was kind of a stupid move, Kageyama turned around too and went off in a direction he thought Hinata might be. Oikawa could go suck a dick, the raven haired setter wasn’t going to abandon Hinata just because Oikawa told him to. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So on my updating schedule I was supposed to be finished with this whole story yesterday.... oops. Well, I'm on winter break so I'm going to try to finish before the new year at least. Sorry to have been gone so long, and sorry if it's a lil bit shit. I know I'm full of promises to update and edit and yeah but I swear on my OTP that I will get it done somehow someday. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks to my wonderful readers for putting up with my shit and sticking with me, you're really the best.
> 
> \- Micah

It would be stretching the truth by a long way to say that Kageyama already knew the moment he started walking away from Oikawa that he knew where he was going, but he had a sort of inkling of an idea. Hinata had been there several times when Kageyama went looking for him, so the raven haired setter couldn’t help but hope that Hinata would be there too and that Oikawa wouldn’t think to look there if he was. 

 

As his feet led him to the place he suspected Hinata to be, he thought of the story Hinata had told him. The way he had bitterly confessed to killing their beloved owl captain, Bokuto. The way he had seemed so broken up over pretty much every single aspect of the story. Kageyama thought that, at least in that moment, Hinata didn’t look like the person who could take a life. Hinata didn’t look like he wanted that life any more than Oikawa wanted to give it to him. 

 

He thought of the very beginning when he had noticed something wrong. It had started with a laugh, hadn’t it? He felt a weird sort of  thing inside of him that could have been nostalgia, and h almost laughed at the absurdity. Nostalgia? Over a laugh that he had hated because it wasn’t the laugh he had come to love over the course of time that he had come to love Hinata? How stupid. 

 

Then Hinata had also mentioned Kageyama and Tsukishima making out all the time in front of him. He felt an uneasy sort of turning in his stomach. He could understand how that, at least, had made Hinata more bitter at him. He had seen Oikawa behave more or less that way around Hinata, and he could relate to the angry jealous feeling that echoed all throughout him to see someone else touching Hinata that way. Then he had also seen it when Hinata went and cheated on him too, he supposed. But he really was trying not to think about that any more.

 

And then there was the whole thing with his mom. Yeah, she was great and he missed her so much that it felt like he had a motherfucking  _ hole in his chest,  _ but he was confused about why she never told him anything about Hinata. Well, until the very end she didn’t. But even then it was just a warning that he should stay away from Hinata, just like everyone else was. Why didn’t she ever hint that Natsu had shit going on, or that he should be being nicer to Hinata? Maybe because Hinata had told her how he broke Kageyama’s heart. That would make sense. 

 

But still, it seemed weird that Hinata hadn’t been able to find comfort in telling Kageyama his problems, he had issues  confiding in the black haired setter, but aforementioned black haired setter’s mom was okay? That just didn’t click right in Kageyama’s head. He was practically overflowing with questions for Hinata, why’s and how’s and all of that, but he knew that Hinata would probably actually answer a total zero of his questions. 

 

He stopped thinking so hard when he arrived at the gate of the place he suspected hinata to be at the most. The stupid, angry, world - hating redhead could almost be counted on to always be  visiting Natsu when he was missing, or when his head was whirling around so very fast inside that he was not all that sure that it was even still attached to his shoulders anymore, it might just be whirling around in space somewhere, confusing astronauts. H was at the same graveyard, and even though Kageyama didn’t see him yet he had a gut feeling when he arrived that Hinata, the ever elusive redhead that he was, was going to be found by him in that very graveyard. 

 

First Kageyama went to the grave he had visited most often, saying a mental ‘fuck you I don’t care right now’ to Hinata while doing so.  It was a beautiful grave, and it felt weird to think that because he knew that graves were certainly not supposed to be thought of as beautiful, but it was. He felt a hot tear slide down his cheek, and he didn’t bother wiping it away. He should’ve brought flowers. It was okay. He knew she didn’t fault him for forgetting.

 

_ Kageyama Rin _

 

_ “How Long is forever? _

_ Sometimes, just one second.” _

That was what she had wanted on her gravestone. He had found it a little bit strange that she had it already planned out, but she had always been one to know what she wanted and how she wanted it and that if she worked and planned enough she was certain to achieve it. But she had loved English authors and their way of weaving words, and that particular quote Kageyama had several memories of hearing her say. She had loved it the way she loved everything. It felt fitting for it to be marking her place of rest. He supposed that was why she didn’t want her birth and death dates on her grave. Because she was alive for at least a second, and therefore forever, and she would not be weighed down by simple dates that meant nothing in the grand scheme of her existence. ‘I’m still with you,’ the grave seemed to say, ‘and I love you.’

 

If that particular philosophy was true, then Kageyama supposed he had no idea how many painful forevers he had spent crying over his Mom’s grave. 

 

“I love you, Mom,” he whispered, and gently traced her name carved into the stone before walking away, letting his feet go lightly on the grass but still confidently. She would have wanted him this way after she died, he knew that. With his memory still painting her in his mind, with his tears showing like a goddamned medal of honour, and with his chin up and head held high because he was Kageyama Rin’s son. 

 

And he was proud. 

 

When he went to Natsu’s grave to see if Hinata was there, he was surprised to see that there were no redhead spikers to be found there. What he did see that was more surprising, however, was  a flash of bright red hair near another grave. Why wouldn’t Hinata be at his sister’s grave? He went around to the other grave, and sure enough, the owner of the bright red hair was none other than Hinata Shouyou himself. So why was he at some random person’s grave? That just didn’t make sense to Kageyama.

 

“Shouyou?” He asked. The person standing there didn’t jump like they were startled, or seem like a mouse caught by the very confused cat (though Kageyama knew he wasn’t a cat, he was a crow, still the same thing). Hinata didn’t even turn his head to face the raven haired tall setter. Instead, Kageyama just saw a small sort of sad smile posses Hinata’s lips and turn tem so that they were ever so slightly quirked upwards. Then, Hinata nodded just a little bit, as if to confirm that yes, the obvious was true, he was indeed Hinata Shouyou. 

 

“What are you doing here?” The question was voiced softer this time, and Kageyama approached Hinata slowly until they were standing side by side in front of this person’s grave. There was the unvoiced question hanging in the air as well as the voiced one,  _ why are you here instead of at your sister’s grave?  _ They both ignored it. Well, Hinata did. Kageyama just tried his best, but it felt almost as if the question was tickling his bones, pleading for him to voice it. He didn’t for a second  let it convince him. Not at all. 

 

“Did you ever know this man?” Hinata asked. The redhead’s voice was quiet and, though soft, not weak sounding. Just like he was calculating. His facade of calm was broken by the way Kageyama could see his hands shaking. Either he hadn’t eaten enough or he was nervous or stressed, and by any of those three the raven haired setter would still conclude that there was more going on then met the eye. 

 

“Um, no. I didn’t. Did you?” He was still confused why they were bothering with some man that Kageyama really didn’t give two shits about, but he was willing to be patient for a little while longer. Hopefully Hinata was going to explain all this shit and not just keep asking whether or not he knew different people buried in the graveyard. Hinata was weird like that, he could never tell if the redhead was bullshitting him or not a lot of the time. 

 

“I didn’t think you would say you did. Well, I know you met him at least once. Let’s see if you remember when I tell you more about him,” Kageyama noticed Hinata deliberately avoiding the ‘Did You?’ question. He didn’t mention it.

 

“Ah, well… Okay?” The raven haired seenager was still confused, but he supposed it was story time with Hinata now. He wasn’t sure if he trusted the smooth tone of Hinata’s voice, because it could easily be hiding something. He couldn’t trust the tiny little sad smile decorating his face so prettily that hadn’t gone away since Kageyama had called out his name when he first saw Hinata. 

 

“He was born and raised dirt poor. On a farm, no less. His family was extremely religious, and he had more than a few mental scars from when he did something as simple as ask why they had to hate gay people, or something like that. He hated it there. As soon as he could, when he was eighteen years old, he moved out. He was too poor to go to University, and he ended up starving on a city street.” Hinata sounded almost sad, but still distant from all the troubles of this man.

 

“Then, he woke up in a beautiful young woman’s apartment. She looked a little nervous about it, but she gave him food and a place to live for a few weeks, showing him a place to get a job. By the time he was nineteen he was the manager of a small restaurant, in a bad place of town. Sure, it didn’t pay the most, but he had a paycheck and was dating the girl and was able to even scrape up enough to buy her a ring when he was twenty years old. She wasn’t out of university yet, but she accepted, and they had a small service when he was twenty one and she was twenty two.”

 

“They found out about a year into their marriage that the woman he had married couldn’t have kids. He didn’t mind all that much, because he didn’t care as long as he had her. But she was heartbroken at the thought that she couldn’t give him kids when she had heard story after story of all his many siblings he had grown up with on that dirt poor farm.” Kageyama didn’t know why Hinata was still smiling that sad smile, but he didn’t like it.

 

“The restaurant he was working at was getting less and less business. He worried he might get fired, and his wife was spending less and less time with him as well. He didn’t know why, but she was going out with her friends a lot more. It was the guilt eating away at her that she couldn’t have kids, she couldn’t stand to look at him and know she was stopping him from having children.” At the word  _ children  _ Hinata’s voice cracked a little bit, and the redhead sighed before clearing his throat a little bit and continuing along with the story.

 

“One night, his wife was drunk when she came home. He heard her saying all these crazy things like how he should leave her, how she hated herself, how she could hardly look in the mirror. He left her alone for only a second to get her a glass of water, and when he came back she was passed out on the floor with an empty pill bottle next to her on the floor. He drove her to the hospital as fast as he could, but it was dark and another car hit theirs. When he woke up he heard that he had gotten the better end of the stick. Just a slight concussion.”

 

Hinata paused, and after only just a few seconds he couldn’t take it anymore, the tension. “What happened to his wife?” Kageyama asked, his voice just as quiet as Hinata’s had been throughout the entire telling of the story so far. He had a distinct feeling in his gut that this wasn’t going to end well. He still kept his mind open though, Maybe the wife just had a slightly worse concussion. Maybe she was alright. 

 

“Her legs, mangled beyond helping. They had to be amputated. She was destined to be in a wheelchair her entire life. Then, after she was finally released from the hospital, her anxiety and stress and depression levels were so high, you couldn’t even mention a car around her without her having an anxiety attack. She was hurting all the time too, and her headaches seemed almost unceasing. At a check up at the doctor, her doctor became suspicious of something and had her checked. Surely enough, she had breast cancer. AS if she didn’t need anything else in her life beyond the results of the car accident, she had cancer too.”

“The man was already struggling to support her. She had dropped out of university and had no job, so she still had student loans. Then there was paying for her therapy sessions and the doctor fees for the accident. He was still in love with her, but it was killing him inside that eh couldn’t even support her fully. And then, the cancer. He had nowhere close to the money he needed to pay for treatment. H heard from a friend, however, much like me, that there was a group, and organization that he could borrow vast amounts of money from. Desperate, he agreed.”

 

“It was Queens, of course, that he borrowed from. His wife was able to get treatment, and even made a full recovery. She was cancer free. And then they heard even better news, that their insurance would mostly cover the cost of her getting two prosthetic legs. She might walk again. Everything was great. Except…” Hinata trailed off for a moment. “Except they still had monumental fines to pay Queens. They had no where near enough.”

 

“They were paying it back slowly, but he couldn’t pay for the legs and therapy and everything else without struggling to find even a few pennies for Queens. He was only a restaurant manager, and the restaurant wasn’t even all that successful. Queens was patient, though. They gave him a year to wait before having to pay back anything. He took advantage of that, and by the time that He had to start paying, his wife had a job too. They were able to pay the first four payments, no problem.”

 

Hinata’s voice was still calm, and Kageyama felt like there was a big but coming. Like everything was looking up for this couple,  _ finally,  _ __ but of course it wouldn’t work out. He knew enough about life to stop expecting happily ever afters and good endings whenever he was told a story. He had learned that lesson long ago, and was reminded of it all the time. This time being the most recent, of course.

 

“But,” ah. Kageyama knew it. “the  next payment was a few days late. His wife had been let go, and she was struggling to find another job. Her anxiety and stress levels were still crazily high, so some days she couldn’t even find it inside herself to get out of bed in the morning. He understood, and he loved her all the same. But she felt even more guilty, which only contributed more to her damaged mental state.”

 

“The next payment was almost a week late. Still, Queens was patient. They hadn’t tried to intimidate the couple yet, they saw no reason to. If this lateness kept up they might, but the couple started paying reliably again once the wife got a new job. By this point, he was twenty eight and she was twenty nine, but he was already balding. The years and events hadn’t left him untouched, and he was stressed too. None of that very much helped his hair, though. By the time he was thirty, he was completely bald. He just shaved it all off at one point. And he was late for the next payment.”

 

“The lateness kept happening, because his wife got the flu and couldn’t go to work. He had to pay for medication, and she was getting better slowly, but all of this sickness was obviously, bad for her. Her immune system was weak, and she got over the sickness slowly, much more slow than she should have at only thirty one. When they were about two weeks late, Queens sent two people to go get the money from him. One was a member, and one was still going through the initiation process.”

 

It was at that when Kageyama realized who that man was. “Wait… he’s the one who I saw you and Oikawa asking for money from, wasn’t he?” Hinata smiled even wider, but it was still the heartbreakingly sad smile, the one full of regret and wishes to do everything all over but better this time. He finally turned to face Kageyama for real, and his eyes looked wet. His hands were still shaking. 

 

“Ah, the idiot finally caught on, did he? Well, I don’t know if I have to go in depth for the rest of the story. It was all over the news. Basically eh became too late, and Queens killed both him and his wife. They figured their lives were enough to pay to settle the debt of the couple. Queens did, not the couple of course. Like they would choose to die after fighting to live for so long…” Hinata’s voice trailed off yet again, and he looked back at the grave again.

 

Kageyama’s words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them, or even reconsider saying them. “Was it you, Hinata? Were you the one to kill him and his wife?” He wanted to take them back the moment he said them, because he really didn’t want to know, Well, he did, but if the answer was yes then he didn’t. He didn’t want to think of Hinata as a killer, even though he knew that the redhead was one.

 

All Hinata did to respond was nod.

 

“Do you want to come back to my place?” Once again the words slipped out before he could control them. This time Hinata actually looked at him. “I mean, practice is practically over by now. I can just text Yamaguchi to let him know I’m okay. You look like you’ve been having a rough time. My father is out tonight We can do whatever you want.” The offer was something like a gently swaying bridge between them, and Hinata looked like he could take him up on it or run away and neither would surprise Kageyama. Then, Hinata’s eyes softened.

 

“I think I’d like that.”

 

So together they walked, hand in hand.

 

They walked past the man.

 

They walked past Natsu.

 

They walked past Kageyama Rin.

  
And they didn’t look back once. 


	26. Chapter 26

Kageyama had no dreams. He wasn’t quite used to that. He had been having them almost every night since he had to move in wit his father, and while sometimes they were harmless and stupid, sometimes they were about his mom. The last time he had had a dreamless sleep had to have been the last night that his father was out of town briefly, and Kageyama had invited over Yamaguchi and Tsukishima and they stayed up late watching shitty anime and just being stupid and young and friends. Kageyama had asked Hinata too, but the redhead had claimed he was busy. 

 

Kageyama had woken up that day with his head on Yamaguchi’s chin and his own legs on Tsukishima’s lap. He had to admit, it was nice to be close to Tsukishima again. As friends, of course. He chased away any thoughts of lingering feelings by looking at how happy Yamaguchi looked with Tsukishima holding his hand. Even while sleeping, Yamaguchi managed to look like the epitome of kindness,  he was all soft freckles and brown hair and skin.

 

That morning Kageyama had showed off his cooking skills and made blueberry pancakes, which they all ate hungrily. He had felt a pang of sadness at the thought that his mom used to love his blueberry pancakes, but Yamaguchi and Tsukishima managed to distract him from all those thoughts by conversing freely about pretty much anything they could think about. It was that day that Kageyama heard the story of how Yamaguchi and Tsukishima met, and Tsukishima tried to play it down but Kageyam could see that they loved each other by the mirrored shine in their eyes when they looked at each other. He decided then it was his responsibility to be the best goddamn third wheel in the history of third wheels.

 

Yamaguchi had told him a few weeks earlier that, surprisingly enough, he was actually pretty good at longboarding, so that day they headed off to a sculpture park where only old people went really and not that early usually, and Yamaguchi taught them how to longboard on his extras. Well, tried to teach them. They all got plenty of videos of each other while creaming like little girls as they fell off longboards, went fast, or actually succeeded at doing it and became terrified at that. 

 

Kageyama smiled at the memory. That was a good day. 

 

As he looked down at the sleeping redhead in his arms, he couldn’t help but hope that no dreams meant the sma for this day as well. That the redhead spiker would wake up and smile at Kageyama, and then they could do something or nothing to everything and it would be just perfect just because they could do it together. He wouldn’t even have to third wheel this time. Hinata and him could waste away the whole day, and though he knew it was foolish to hope, Kageyama couldn’t help it. Things had been going bad for so long, he just wanted one good day with Hinata, if that wasn’t too much to ask. 

 

Hinata stirred a little bit in Kageyama’s arms, and the raven haired boy looked at the clock next to his bed. It read that it was a quarter past ten. God, they had slept late. It was almost eleven, really, and that meant it was almost noon. Was there volleyball practice that day? He thought so. Maybe he should wake up Hinata so that they wouldn’t miss it. Or maybe he should text Yamaguchi to say that they’ll definitely miss it.

 

He smirked at the thought, but knew he couldn’t do that. He was co captain after all. He couldn’t skimp out on practice just because he wanted to spend a day with his… whatever Hinata was to him. He was not a boyfriend, no, but not exactly friend either… it was confusing, he thought, How bout he just left it at that so as to not hurt his brain muscles that much. And idea occurred to him. What if he just texted Yamaguchi that he might be a little bit late to practice? Then he had at least a small bit more of extra time with Hinata before going to practice. Especially is Hinata decided not to go to practice like he had been doing  a lot more recently. 

 

Kageyama wondered if Yachi was going to be at practice. He sighed. He didn’t want to get up, but he kind of had no chance. He had to text Yamaguchi one way or another. He made sure not to wake up Hinata while getting up, though Hinata’s sleeping expression turned a little bit sadder after he left. Kageyama tried to not find it cute, and also tried to stop being such an insufferable sap. Just looking at what a good night’s sleep did to him made him want to get bad sleep for the rest of his life (not really though).

 

As he went to grab his phone, the one beside it buzzed twice, the phone screen lighting up as well. Kageyama didn’t  _ really  _ mean to snoop, but he couldn’t help but look at the screen and see that Hinata had over twenty five missed calls from none other than the one and only Oikawa Tooru. “What the fuck is his deal?” muttered Kageyama, thinking back to the Oikawa yesterday who had looked like he had been run over by a truck and that had threatened him. There were also over one hundred messages from Oikawa too. The latest one wasn’t from Oikawa though, it was from Yamaguchi. The last call or message sent by Oikawa was at four in the morning. Weird.

 

For just a moment, Kageyama considered waking up Hinata just because of the sheer magnitude of unanswered messages and calls from Oikawa. He couldn’t get the crazy look that had been haunting the tall brunette setter’s eyes the day before out of his mind. The eyes of a man who was right on the very brink of losing everything. The eyes that could only belong to  a desperate man.

 

_ “The only reason you aren’t dead right now is me, because I convinced Yachi to give him another chance. Maybe you don’t get what that means, but basically if Hinata gets in trouble, which will probably be because of you, my ass gets fried too! So maybe you should just fuck off before you get someone else killed, okay?!”  _

 

He shook his head. He couldn’t let Oikawa get to him. That guy was probably insane, and if Hinata was avoiding him the day before then the small redhead teen probably had a good reason to. He was trying to trust Hinata more, right? So he might as well start now, and trust the redhead’s judgement on this. After all, Hinata looked so peaceful when he slept. He also looked like he hadn’t in awhile. Kageyama decided Hinata could wait to be woken up a little while longer at least. It wasn’t like it was going to hurt anybody. 

 

Maybe he was being a little bit selfish, he admitted while starting water to make tea and getting out ingredients to make fried eggs on toast, but didn’t he have a right to be a little bit selfish? Hinata and him and hardly been alone together without screaming at each other for a long time, so didn’t he deserve a little bit of Hinata too? He was allowed to miss spending time with Hinata, it wasn’t like it was a crime.

 

And, he comforted himself more, it wasn’t like Oikawa was any better for Hinata than Kageyama was. After all, it was Oikawa who had gotten Hinata into the whole entire messy Queens business in the first place. Hey should he wake Hinata up just for the redhead to slip back into the mindset of a killer and probably go off who knows where to do who knows what that probably would not help Hinata’s mental state. So, he thought, only feeling a little bit like he was bullshitting himself, he was probably doing the small redheaded teen a favor by not waking him up. As he put the two eggs on the toast that just popped out (he had to pat himself on the back, figuratively of course, for how well cooked the eggs were, he was really getting better at not breaking the yolk) he tried to push away the bullshitting himself feeling. Push it away from him. 

 

He felt a little like he was building up a bubble around himself. He knew on some level that Hinata would probably be upset to have missed so many of Oikawa’s messages and Oikawa’s calls, but he wanted so dearly for the boy to just spend a day with him without it going badly that he kept on building up the bubble in his head, knowing that at any second or ordinary moment it would -

 

“SHIT!” Hinata screamed from the room next to him.

 

- _ pop.  _

“Shouyou? You okay in there?” He called back, setting the food on the table and heading into his bedroom to see Hinata frantically pulling on the clothes he had carelessly shed for Kageyama just the night before and thrown on the floor, the clothes were all wrinkled and scattered now. His hair looked like someone had taken a leaf blower to it, and his eyes possessed the same kind of scared, desperate look that the tall blue eyed setter had seen just the day before while Oikawa was looking for Hinata in the other setter’s eyes. 

 

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” Hinata was chanting to himself, like a mantra, as he scrambled around the room, grabbing his phone and checking it to look then like a balloon deflated. “No, oh god no,” Hinata screamed tiny in his throat. He looked up at Kageyama whilst biting his lip and breathing way too fast to be healthy and he said “No, okay, I am not fucking okay in here! FUCK!” 

 

Kageyama grabbed Hinata’s shoulders, holding him in place. “Wait, fucking calm down, Shouyou. Explain, please?” He was worried. Why was the small redhead teenager freaking out so much? Did he not want to sleep that late? Though Kageyama had a hope that was dwindling that it was something as petty as that, he knew for certain now that he was bullshitting himself, that there was no way Hinata was that freaked out over something that small. 

 

Hinata tried to get out of Kageyama’s grip, failing, but showing that for as small he was he really wasn’t all that weak. He had already known this, but the reminder still surprised him a bit. “I can’t fucking  _ explain,  _ Tobio, I need to get somewhere and I need to get there as fast as I fuckign can!” His voice was rising higher and higher in desperation and what Kageyama thought he might have identified as fear. 

 

“Well when do you need to get there? I’m sure if you call and explain or say you were sick or something-” Hinata shook his head and kept struggling to get out of Kageyama’s hold.

 

“No, no, no! I was supposed to be there three  _ hours  _ ago! I’m lucky if I’m not dead!” With that Kageyama was shocked enough that Hinata was able to break out of his hold and run out the door. After only a moment of dazed silence, Kageyama felt the words click in his brain and he ran after Hinata, catching up quickly with his longer stride. “Go away, Tobio!” Hinata yelled at him.

 

“No! I can’t let you go and die! That’s a suicide errand  and you know it, if you missed a meeting wht Queens! I can’t let you get hurt because of me!” Hinata stopped running and punched Kageyama in the stomach, hard. The raven haired boy stopped too, and gasped because holy shit, Hinata could fuckign pack a punch. He should have known that, but for some reason it still managed to surprise him. 

 

“You fuckign asshole! Stop being selfish and go back to your house! Stop pretending that you’re being noble or some shit by running after me! If you die because I slept in, then everything is for nothing, it’s all a fucking waste!” Some of the people on the street had stopped and were staring at them, and Kageyama found that he didn’t really give a shit. Let them stare. Why not. 

 

“Shouyou, if you think that you’re gonna just up and go off to what we both know won’t end well for you, you’ve got a different thing coming! Don’t you realize that I don’t give a fucking shit about what happens to me?! All I care about is you!” He didn’t even know what he was arguing and yelling and raving about anymore, he just wanted Hinata to hear him, loud and clear. “After all this time of just wondering what’s going on with you, just wanting to help, when you finally do tell me you expect me to just give you up? tO just let you sacrifice yourself or something?!” Hell no!”

 

Hinata looked about ready to punch him again. “I hear you, okay, but just listen to me! Trust me! You said you were going to start trying to truat me again, how fuking shitty of you to not when I need you to most! Don’t you understand that this goes beyond just us two?!” Tears were beginning to well up in Hinata’s eyes, and Kageyama was reminded painfully of the similar words Oikawa had said to him.

 

_ “Look, Tobio. I know Yachi is pretending to buy that cheap ass story Hinata told her about how all he did was put on a show to tell you something phony to get you off his case. No one really believes that shit. The only reason you aren’t dead right now is me, because I convinced Yachi to give him another chance. Maybe you don’t get what that means, but basically if Hinata gets in trouble, which will probably be because of you, my ass gets fried too! So maybe you should just fuck off before you get someone else killed, okay?!”  _

 

Oikawa. Was this for Oikawa? For him and the friendship that Hinata and the brunette setter had shared? Or was it for the memory? Or maybe even just for Iwaizumi, the boyfriend of Oikawa’s. It occurred to Kageyama for the first time why Oikawa and Hinata wanted that relationship secrete. How naive it would be to think that if Oikawa was punished by Queens then Iwaizumi wouldn’t be also if they knew. How utterly naive Kageyama realized he had been.

 

_ “I didn’t do it for you, you piece of shit. You’re proven over and over again to be nothing but trouble for Hinata, and you’ve hurt him more than you can imagine. I’m doing it for Hinata, because I don’t want him to die over a stupid fuck like you and his warped love. I know that Hinata and I aren’t on the best of terms right now, but I fuckign care about him, okay? Don’t mistake any of this that I’ve done like it’s for your selfish ass. It’s all for Hinata.” _

 

Kageyama hated it. He couldn’t take how much he hated it. He didn’t care about the stupid friendship Hinata and Oikawa had, why couldn’t Hinata just come back with him. Why couldn’t Hinata just help him be selfish, why couldn’t the redhead help him be an asshole who only cares about himself. He just wanted Hinata. Why was that always going to be too much to ask for?

 

_ “Don’t forget it.” _

 

_ “Hearts.” _

 

“Why,” Kageyama found himself asking, his voice low and close to breaking. “Why can’t you just come back with me? We could go to the police right now, you could give them that information in exchange for legal freedom or whatever. You could start your life over. Or you could forget about me. Why can’t you go off and stop messing around with me if it’s the thing that keeps getting you in trouble?”

 

Tears were actually streaming down Hinata’s face by that point, and he shook his head, looking a mix of angry and broken and desperate and hurt in almost every shade of red. His still wet eyes were reflecting the sky, and even though Kageyama knew exactly why he hated Hinata so very deeply and intensely in that moment, he knew exactly why he loved Hinata so very deeply and intensely as well. And he fucking hated it. The redhead’s fists were clenched so hard Kageyama wouldn’t be surprised if he opened the hands to see half moon marks left on Hinata’s skin form how hard his fingernails must have been digging into his hand.

 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Hinata asked, his voice cracking and shaking his head a little bit. There were small wet spots on the dry pavement form where Hinata was crying, and Kageyama wanted to wipe away the tears as they fell down Hinata’s face, but he wasn’t sure if he would feel the sting of a slap from Hinata if he did. They were both so, so mad. They were at a sort of breaking point, the tall raven haired setter could tell. A boiling point, a cliff edge, whatever you would like to call it they were at it and teetering on the edge. 

 

On the verge. 

 

“I’m still fucking in love with you, you dumbass. After all this time. So pathetically, stupidly, head over heels in love with you. I can’t say no to you, not forever and not for long. Can’t you see that the one thing I want to do above all others right now is keep you from dying?” Hinata’s eyes were hypnotizing, and Kageyama’s mouth was dry.He was about to reply when he heard the voice of Yachi behind him. Hinata’s eyes widened.

 

“Too late.” 

 

Her words were sugary sweet, but as Kageyama turned around time went in slow motion as he saw Yachi, and her little self satisfied smile, and heard Hinata scream and then

 

And then

 

And then

 

And then

 

Everything

 

Went

 

B

 

L

 

A

 

C

 

K

  
.


	27. Chapter 27

Things came back the same kind of way a camera focuses.

 

First, it was blurry and hard to make sense of anything. There was a dull throbbing in his head, and Kageyama felt like it was him who had been run over by a car, frozen, and then microwaved, not Oikawa. Or at least the Oikawa of a day ago, who knew how well put together the current Oikawa was. 

 

When he tried to open his eyes, Kageyama found them heavy. There was a low buzz in his ears, like he was waking up from a long, long deep sleep. He finally managed to open his eyes, only to see just black. There was something like a cloth over his eyes, obscuring his vision. When he tried to move, he found he couldn’t. That was when the camera snapped into focus, and Kageyama realised he was bound to a chair. Bound and gagged, he realised when he focused. The events of just hours previously sped through his mind, and he realised what was happening. 

 

He had been captured by Queens.

 

At that moment, he realised there was more than a dull buzz in the air. He heard a voice, cracked and hoarse, begging. “No, please, Kiyoko. I tried, please just kill me but don’t hurt him, please Kiyoko I thought you were my friend NO! NO STOP STOP HURTING HIM STOP!” It was Oikawa, Kageyama realized with dawning horror. And the person screaming wordlessly in the background had to be Iwaizumi. 

 

“PLEASE STOP I’LL DO ANYTHING PLEASE YOU -”  there was a sharp slapping sound, and then a cold feminine voice ringing in Kageyama’s ears. 

 

“Shut up, Tooru. You’re embarrassing yourself. You could have prevented this. Now you’re paying the price.” It was Shimizu,Kageyama would have recognized her voice anywhere. She sounded cold and indifferent. “You know, it was only because you were my friend that I’ve let you get this far. Letting your little Hinata tell all of our secrets to his boy - toy or whatever? That’s the final straw. And then, you try to get Yachi to lie to me that she believes his story that he lied to Kageyama. You know she’s too loyal for that. Unlike some.” 

 

Shimizu’s voice was smooth and mocking, haughty and powerful. He didn’t think he’d ever heard her sound like that before, she was always shy and nice until recently. Now she sounded like it could be her hurting Iwaizumi, who was continuing to let out yells every other second in pain. Kageyama wondered if he was next or… oh shit. If Hinata was next. Was Hinata okay?! What had they done with him?!

 

“Please,” Kageyama heard Oikawa whimper, the tears obvious in his voice. “Please. Just let him go. I- I will… I offer anything, anything at all but please stop hurting him.” A sob came from Oikawa, and Kageyama had never in his life felt more sorry for the person who he had despised for years. He felt a huge bubble of pity grow in him, because Oikawa sounded not close to breaking but already broken, and it made Kageyama wish he didn’t have ears so that he didn’t have to hear it in combination with Iwaizumi screaming. 

 

“You do make a compelling case, I suppose. We’ve been at this with poor Iwaizumi for what, a few hours? I think that’s quite enough. Yachi, the brand if you would.” Iwaizumi stopped screaming, and the sound of footsteps could be heard, along with with a sort of metal clattering. Then the scream happened again, but only briefly. Not Oikawa’s however, as he had realized what Shimizu meant by ‘the brand.’

 

“NO LET HIM GO LET HIM GO KIYOKO PLEASE KILL ME INSTEAD KILL ME INSTEAD LET HIM GO STOP NO!” 

 

_ bang. _

 

Oikawa’s screaming continued, but Kageyama could tell that it was for nothing Iwaizumi was dead, he didn’t have to see to know that for certain. 

 

“I would have you tortured like these two, but honestly, you’re right. You are my friend, Tooru. I’ll let you go without even getting the bran don your ankle, as it  _ is  _ already on your hip, now isn’t it? The gun, Yachi. I’d like to do this myself. Oh, and take off the blindfolds of  the other two. I want them to see this.” Kageyama heard footsteps approach him first, and then he could see Yachi. She gave him a sad sort of smile, and then Kageyama watched her go to the chair next to him, where Hinata was tied up matching Kageyama. 

 

Though it was a small relief, Kageyama felt himself relax just a bit knowing that Hinata wasn’t dead. At least not yet. 

 

Kageyama looked around. They were in what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse, with light streaming through the top windows of the building, afternoon fading light. The light was landing right in the middle of the warehouse mainly, where there was a sort of Frankenstein style set up with a bloody mess of  _ oh god was that a person?!  _ The only thing that he could recognize was an ankle, branded with the mark of Queens. Kageyama felt bile rise in his throat, that was Iwaizumi. That was Oikawa’s boyfriend. 

 

That didn’t even look like something  you could call human.

 

Oikawa was kneeling on the ground, cheeks bloody and bruised and tied up in a way that he had to look at Iwaizumi. Kageyama remembered Shimizu saying they had been at it for hours… He felt a new hatred rise up inside himself. And there she was, standing right next to Oikawa with a red lipstick smile adorning her face and a fancy looking gun in her hand, casually held like she knew exactly what to do with it. “They’re both awake, right Yachi?” Shimizu asked. 

 

Yachi pulled off Hinata’s blindfold, and even though it was totally the wrong time for this Kageyama couldn’t help but notice how attractive Hinata was when all tied up and then slumped over like that, then lifting his head up and the sharpness in his eyes…  _ damn. _ It was the wrong time, he reminded himself. He could think about how hot Hinata looked tied up later. If they had a later, that is. “Yes, both awake,” she answered. 

 

Men in all black were approaching Iwaizumi, and Kageyama averted his eyes as the men pulled a black bag over the ‘body.’ Then they threw it off in the warehouse, slinging it away with the power of a multitude of men. The sound of it crashing against something echoed through the warehouse. Shimizu’s lips quirked upwards as Oikawa whimpered, the pathetic sound reaching all of their ears. 

 

Kageyama felt like this couldn’t be happening to him. Even though it obviously was, something about it felt so unreal. Lie this was the kind of thing that only happened in the movies, so how was it happening to him now? It couldn’t be possible. It was the same sort of feeling like when his mother had died and he heard about it. Like none of it made sense, and even though there was an explanation it felt like certainly this was too much to be real. This was not real. After all, how could it be? It made sense but it didn’t. The only difference between the time he heard about his mother dying and the time in the warehouse was that in one he was so close to death in more ways than one it was comical, in the other there was only one death he was close to.

 

Oikawa turned his head to look at both of them. First he looked at Hinata. There was a flash of something in his eyes, and Oikawa clenched his jaw hard, in a way that look painful, before nodding, like he didn’t care if Shimizu could see. “I forgive you, Hinata. I probably would have done the same in your place. I ahet you,a nd you were a shit friend near the end, but I get it. Thank you.” The words came out murmured, and Kageyama saw tears slip down Hinata’s cheeks at them. Hinata was gagged, so he obviously couldn’t reply, but the redhead nodded a few times weakly. Oikawa smiled a tiny sad little thing, and turned his gaze to Kageyama.

The tall brunette ex captain didn’t say a word to Kageyama, only looked at him with these eyes like they had seen the universe and Kageyama was one of his least favorite parts. Then they softened. They were determined, but not hateful. The message, though not communicated through words was very, very clear to Kageyama. He felt his own eyes get a little wet, and wished the gag and bindings weren’t on him and that Oikawa wasn’t tied up so that he could shake Oikawa’s hand, a thing people did in America to say hello. All he could do was nod, to show he understood. The sad smile returned to Oikawa’s face, and he nodded back. 

 

“Well, that was certainly…” Shimizu paused, “ _ gripping, _ but I think we need to move along with this. I want time to do Kageyama and Hinata today, I don’t feel like waiting even longer. So, Tooru, your last honour as a member of queens is to pick your last words. How many will there be, just so we can do away with you promptly after you’re finished?” 

 

Oikawa looked at her. “Five,” his vice didn’t sound pathetic anymore. He sounded sure of himself. Kageyama didn’t know that Queens members got to choose their last words. What would Kageyama’s be because he didn’t get to choose? What would Oikawa’s be? Did members of Queens plan out what they would choose their last names to be? How long ago had Oikawa choose his? Or was he making them up right at that moment before she asked?

 

She nodded. “I approve. Well, Oikawa Tooru, I formally release you from your service to Queens.” A wicked sort of smile grew on his face. Kageyama found that he really did hate her oh so much, that the very thought of her doing this to someone who claimed to be her friend was making him feel sick.He wanted to kill her. He had never wanted to kill someone so much as he wanted to kill Shimizu Kiyoko.  “And now for your last words.” 

 

He seemed to grow, not in actual physical matter and space, but his presence wa taking up the entire fucking warehouse. He wasn’t a small puppy, kicked and broke. He was bruised and covered in tears and looking like he had been drop kicked into next week, but in that moment Kageyama thought Oikawa had never looked so brave, so strong, so tall even when kneeling like he was defeated, so victorious, and so proud. “I EXISTED GOD DAMN IT!” Oikawa yelled, his voice sounding like he was on the verge of laughing. 

 

Promptly, just like she said she would, Shimizu shot Oikawa once, twice, three times. The once proud man collapsed on the ground, a pool of blood spreading quickly over the floor from his head. Kageyama thought that it was rather fitting for the last expression to ever grace the once handsome and confident face of Oikawa Tooru to be one that looked like he was laughing, it looked like he was having the time of his life, like somehow. Despite all the odds, he had won.  

 

Kageyama wondered about things that he had never even bothered to think about before. Who was Oikawa Tooru, really? Was he an empty bedroom in a cozy apartment he might have shared with Iwaizumi? Was he a spot marked with a circle around it on his friends and family’s calendar’s that was his birthday? Was he the tears his mom would cry when she found out that her Tooru was dead and gone and was a member of Queens? Was he the team that he had once been the captain of that the coach would hear about his death and regret not saying something about the darker tendencies that he had watched but chose not to comment on?

 

Was Oikawa the empty spot on the sidewalk that he might have once walked in but now would never again? Was Oikawa the sound of his name said while making love from the lips of Iwaizumi? Was Oikawa the friendship between him and Shimizu Kiyoko that hadn’t been enough to save him or the one he loved? Was Oikawa just a falling leaf on a tree on the outskirts of the property of the school he once loved, once loved others in, was once loved by others in? Was Oikawa anything at all?

 

Maybe Oikawa was the threats he sent Kageyama’s way, or the ones he sent at the poor man in the store that Hinata had to kill. Maybe Oikawa was the way that he had looked so fucking desperate to do anything to save Iwaizumi, even when all that Iwaizumi was was something that hardly look human or alive anymore. Maybe Oikawa was the way that Kiyoko had told Yachi to kill Iwaizumi, and how Oikawa had just sobbed. Maybe, though, just maybe Oikawa was the way that Kageyama was able to respect him in his last moments, and the way that despite Hinata ruining him Oikawa still forgave him in the end. Maye Oikawa was those spiteful last words, shouted so that the heavens could hear.

Or, Oikawa was the defeated and crumpled body on the floor. Oikawa was the pool of crimson blood spreading across the surface of the floor, growing nearer and nearer to Kageyama and the frankenstein like  table that Oikawa’s beloved had lost his life on. Oikawa was the very personification of a bullet, with his triumphant look on his face, somehow arrogant even in death, even in what some would consider defeat. 

 

Kageyama knew, though, that while Oikawa was every single one of those things and more, Oikawa was also just a scared boy who had done bad things to good people and bad things to bad people, and had really just been scared and in love and in way over his head. Kageyama could relate to that. The last thing he knew that Oikawa was, however, was a little bit sadder than that. 

 

Oikawa was, in that moment, dead.

 

_ “How Long is forever? _

_ Sometimes, just one second.” _

 

_ Yes,  _ Kageyama thought in a reply to Oikawa’s last words, still ringing in his ears,  _ you really did.  _

 

“Agh, that’s depressing,” muttered Shimizu darkly, not seeming to actually care. “He was a fine member of Queens, and a good friend. But whatever. That was all until you came along, of course, “ she directed the last bit towards Hinata, who flinched a little bit. “You’d think that you would show more respect to the representative of the Queen, wouldn’t you think? Yachi told me all about how you yelled at her. Don’t worry, she didn’t want to . But she’d never lie to me.” Kageyama hated her so much, oh god how he hated her.

 

“And you,” she looked at Kageyama, “You were just disappointing. Honestly. I thought you were smart enough to leave this fucker alone after I told you a few things to maybe hint that this kid over here is bad news, but you’re kid of an idiot. I’d say no offense, but I honestly don’t care. Seriously though, you could have made it so this,” she gestured to Oikawa, “never even happened. Hinata wouldn’t have betrayed us and you wouldn’t be about to die and Iwaizumi wouldn’t have had to die and Oikawa would not have had to die. And, Yachi wouldn’t have had to be exposed to this as much and she would not have had to torture Iwaizumi or you two.  And that pisses me off. See, I didn’t want to kill my friend here. But what I want to do and what I have to do are very different things. Maybe you should learn that lesson.Then again, you’re gonna die soon anyway. Still. You screwed us  _ all  _ over, kid. Fuck you, honestly.”

 

Kageyama saw Hinata looking just as angry as he was in his peripheral vision. Oh fuck he hated her. He wouldn’t accept what she had said, he knew it wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t made her shoot the bullets into Oikawa Tooru’s head. He hadn’t forced her to have Yachi torture Iwaizumi. He never asked Oikawa to take responsibility and vouch for Hinata with Queens. Sure, eh might have made Hinata late for his meeting, but that was it (along with a few other things). Otherwise she could not blame him for any of how things had turned out, he knew it. 

 

But he couldn’t say it. He was still gagged and powerless. All he could do was glare at her, and say fuck you in his mind. He was struggling to break free, his fists aching to collide with her face, he didn’t give a shit that she was a girl she was an asshole all the same and if he were to not hate her or hit her just because she was a girl that would be the sexist thing, not hitting her. He hated her. He wanted her dead like the way the had made Oikawa, crumpled up and defeated on the floor. 

 

She sighed. “Well, Yachi,I’m kind of tired. Meet me at our place when you’re done with them, okay? Make sure to go all the way through with it too. I only came so I could be here for Tooru. Make sure his body gets more respect than his boy 0 toy’s too. Alright?” Yachi nodded, and Shimizu Kiyoko took her leave, with a sway in her hips and the gun passed from her hands to Yachi’s. “See you later, Yachi.” 

 

“See you later.”

 

Yachi turned to the two of them with a sad look on her face. “I’m really, really sorry that I won’t be able to say that to you two as well.”

 

As she slowly approached them, Oikawa’s last words were still echoing around in Kageyama’s head. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very graphic in describing torture, and for all who aren't interested in that just skip to the end of the chapter where I'll summarize in the notes. 
> 
> Once again, this is unedited... oops. Sorry for all those who have to skip past it, I promise that'll be the last of skipping needing to be done in this story.
> 
> Guys... it's almost finished. Can you believe it? This story has been going on since like June or some crazy shit like that. Thank you to everyone who has stuck through with m up until now, we've almost reached our journey's end. 
> 
> Until next time.
> 
> -Micah

“Now, I could easily do what I did to Iwaizumi to you two, but I really don’t want to. Kiyoko gave me freedom to do whatever I choose, and I don’t want to torture you very long or very badly. Just because I used to be friends with you two. Oh, the times have changed, haven’t they?” She sounded like a mini Shimizu, and Kageyama hated it. Couldn’t she see that this was bad? That she was being used? That anyone who forces you to torture your friends is bad news?

 

She looked between the two of them, like she was debating something in her head. “I think that… I’m going to start with you, Tobio.” Kageyama freeze himself freeze in his chair. Up until this point, through the capture and through hearing Iwaizumi get tortured and Oikawa shot, he could still almost pretend it wasn’t real. It was just another one of his bad dreams, things were going to be alright. But when she took a step towards him, he realized that this was most definitely not  _ just  _ a bad dream. And if one thing was certain, it was that things were not going to be alright. 

 

She pulled a metal tray with wheels with her, and the wheels made little squeaking noises as they moved.  “I have a lot of different little things I’ve found I like doing. First, though, we start with this. “She pulled a syringe up off of the tray. “This doesn’t actually do you any harm, of course, just makes your nerves about 100 times more sensitive. Kageyama’s arms were strapped to the arms of the chair, and Hinata was staring with wide eyes as She chose the vein in his arm where Kageyama had blood donated from once. 

 

As the needle went into Kageyama’s arm Hinata started struggling, and if his chair hadn’t been nailed to the ground it might have tipped over. The tall raven haired setter could hear Hinata trying to scream over his gag, sounding downright possessed. Yachi had the nerve to laugh a little bit, while Kageyama tried to shake his head at Hinata, as if telling him to stop before he got even more hurt. The syringe was only uncomfortable going in, not overly painful. That was confusing, but he was still anticipating something, anything. 

 

“Shouyou, stop. I haven’t even done anything yet. You’re being annoying.” Her voice didn’t sound like she minded all that much, and when the syringe was removed Kageyama felt like his skin was prickling, buzzing almost.  It still didn’t hurt, but he was more than uncomfortable. He made eye contact with her, and searched frantically for  some, any small it of pity or regret. Anything he could take advantage of to get out of this situation. He didn’t find even a shred, only something that looked strangely akin to victory.

 

“Now, what do I want to do next? Oh, I’ve wanted to do this a while, Tobio. Every time you fucked up Shouyou and hs chances in Queens, every time that you ignored my warnings, every time you disrespected me… this has been a long time coming. I don’t want to ruin it.” She picked up a small knife with a tiny, precise looking blade. “I think I’ll start with this.” It was silver and small, and she approached Kageyama’s right arm with it. Hinata started struggling even harder. With a tiny smile, she slashed across his wrist with it, opening a slit in his skin that should not have been that deep but was. 

 

Despite feeling his own eyes widening because  _ fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck that hurt god damn it  _ he could tell that nerve stuff she put in him wasn’t fake shit, but he still refused to make noise. Not for as long as he could go. He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of it. Hinata seemed fucking possessed, struggling to get out of his bonds like a madman. Then Yachi continued with what she was doing. She started putting stuff  _ into the wound  _ and that was when Kageyama looked away, because he didn’t feel like throwing up into the gag he was biting down on, hard. 

 

“I’m actually rather impressed, Tobio,” she commented, almost like she was complimenting him on a good read on the court that led to a point. That casual. He was still biting on his gag, and trying to avoid looking into Hinata’s eyes of fear that the crazy would leak into him and he would start screaming. “With what I put in you,this should be hurting you quite a bit. Don’t worry though, I’ll get you to scream eventually. By then I’ll take off the gag though, I would never miss a chance for our lovely Shouyou to hear you scream.”

 

He didn’t know if there was ever a moment in which he wanted to hit her more than he did in that moment. 

 

After she finished messing around with the cut on his arm, she took out a needle already strung with a thick black thread. His eyes grew wide as he looked at her and the needle, almost unbelieving. She just smiled sweetly at him. “I would never leave you with an open wound his early in the game, Tobio. And we can’t have any of my maggot friends falling out, now can we?” His eyes went wider with horror. 

 

M a g g o t s. 

 

In his a r m. 

 

He screamed as she started sewing up the wound, the slash mark and now he could  _ feel them moving,  _ and he knew what was happening and that was all the worse and she was laughing and taking off his gag and he bit his tongue and tasted blood and when she was done with the sewing she just  _ patted the wound like she was proud of it  _ and moved all the way up his arm with her method of torture and Kageyama felt tears and his voice was hoarse but he was still 

s c r e a m i n g. 

 

After she had around five wounds all sewn up on each arm she said, “I think we’re about finished warming up. Let’s move on to the fun stuff, yes?” Kageyama had never felt pain so intense. He felt like the tears coming out of his eyes might be blood, and he was broken emotionally when he saw Hinata was tired out and sobbing into his gag while looking at him, face red and eyes like he wanted to kill Yachi. 

 

And Kageyama didn’t zone out, no, but he was so overloaded with pain that he couldn’t tell one thing she was doing to him from the next, couldn’t tell one scream coming out of him from another, and by the time he had a  _ fucking awful hot thing being pressed into his very flesh, burning and destroying and killing the skin of his ankle  _ in the shape of what he knew had to be the brand of Queens, he didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to remember that there were maggots in his arm, or the fact that his hands would never be the same for what she had done to him, if he lived he might never set again. He didn’t want to remember any fucking detail of it. The tears were dried on his face and cakey even with the new layers being painted on, and he didn’t want to look as Hinata was screaming into his own gag, cursing Yachi into oblivion and regretting everything that had ended up with Kageyama bound to the chair he was in, getting the brand of Queens on his ankle. Even Kageyama knew what that meant. It meant that soon, well.

 

He was going to be murdered. 

 

“Now, my dear Tobio, I would definitely like to kill you now. Believe me, if I felt that it would be enough I would do it right now, with my gun or with a rope or with… oh, I don’t know. Everyone says you only live once, but you also only die once. There are so many ways I want to kill you, Tobio, but sadly I have to pick and choose one. If only you had nine lives, like a cat. Oh, I could kill you so many times, and in creative ways too! By firing squad, we could even use a guillotine! Maybe that would be too humane for you… just think, I could have you die from blood loss by hacking off all your limbs! This is making me sad now, you know. Why do you have to only have one life? Well, I guess since there’s two of you I get to pick my two favorite ways of killing.”

 

Her voice had a sort of maniac edge to it that made Kageyama scared of her. He wanted to hurt her, hurt her badly like she had hurt him and Hinata, but he was bound and exhausted and his throat was too hoarse to say all of the words bubbling up in his throat at her. Instead, he just chose five. “You’re a sick fucker, Yachi,” he said bitterly, his voice cracking bit his disgust and contempt made clear. She smiled at him, a sickly sweet crazy. 

 

“Oh, Tobio. You’re cute.” She let her hands trail down his face, tracing it gently almost akin to a lover. Her fingers traced his lips, her thumb pushing down slightly. He tried biting her, and she cackled madly as she yanked her hand away. “Oh, you bad boy Tobio!” She slapped him across the face, and then giggled. “Will I have to punish you?  _ Again?  _ Oh, how I would like that, but I was just talking about killing you, remember?”

 

Hinata looked like he wanted nothing more than to wrap his hands around her throat and squeeze as she went on. “But before I kill you, your punishment needs to be completed. You’re going to get to see Hinata get special treatment, just like you did! Oh, I have so many ideas, so many things I’ve just been  _ itching  _ to do.” She smirked. “Your gag will have to go back on, of course. You aren’t going to be the one screaming anymore. I mean, I know you’re in pain, but you aren’t the center of attention anymore.” with that she put his gag back in, him struggling and screaming profanities at her all the while. 

 

She then wheeled her tray over to Hinata, not bothering to clean her instruments. “We’ll have to start with the syringe, of course. Otherwise that would hardly be fair, now would it?” She sort of laughed to herself, like she was having the time of her life. Kageyama thought that maybe he would make amends with his dad if he got out of this mess, because that man had not deserved the amount of hate sent at him. The only person that did to him was standing way too close to Hinata, in his opinion. 

 

Maybe he wouldn’t. He wasn’t sure. If he did get out of the mess going on around him, he knew that for certain he wanted to kiss Hinata. Not fuck, but just a gentle kiss. Approach him with a smile, the kind he used to joke about being his only not creepy smiles. Lift up his chin gently, touch their lips with all the care and grace that he should have showed Hinata, show him how much he loved the stupid orange haired boy. Because he hadn’t done that, at least not right. And he regretted it.

 

If he got out of the situation, that would be what he did first. Then he wanted to make sure to tell Yamaguchi and Tsukishima that he loved them, platonically and stronger than almost anything, and that no matter how cheesy they found it that he loved them it was true. And they needed to know, he thought, that he cared for them more than they could ever know. That they had been there for him, that he was so, so grateful for them. That as long as they ept meeting him where he was at and taking him anyway, he would meet them where they were at and take them anyway. And he wanted to let them know that he really was honoured to be their third wheel, and he wouldn’t trade them for the world. 

 

And he wanted to visit his mom’s grave again. He knew that technically it was too late and she was dead and gone, but he needed someone to hear the words he needed to say. And who better than the person he should have said them too when he still had the chance? He understood now. That life was fleeting, that moments were just a pastime, that love and emotion was a gift and that memories were taking place around him and that  _ life was fleeting _ . He hadn’t enjoyed it enough while he had the chance. He hadn’t grasped it at the frayed edges and he hadn’t drunken it in, letting it cleave into his very soul and existence. And he thought that maybe now he knew the true meaning of regret. 

 

As the syringe went into Hinata’s arm and the sickening sluggish fluid found its way into the boy who deserved none of it, Kageyama screamed and screamed into the gag. He screamed for the both of them, he screamed for the body he hadn’t been able to recognize as human that had been Iwaizumi, and he screamed for five words that sounded victorious despite the situation, and if e could he would have let them echo out of his own vocal chords and throat, the bitter declaration of independence from life, a sort of signature.

 

I EXISTED GOD DAMN IT!

 

He heard it in his head when Yaci slit open the very edges of Hinata’s mouth that they had both seen him quirk up when smiling. It reminded him of that one American series of movies about a comic character, Batman, that had a character called the Joker. He often said something about his scars, which ran up from the edges of his mouth. Hinata glared at Yachi, and when she leaned in closer he spit in her face, then closed his mouth fast because stretching it even a little pulled at the new slits and rip anew into the slits, deepening them. And Kageyama knew that he was moving like he was possessed, and he was crying because how  _ dare  _ Yachi hurt him, and he hated being powerless to help. Even if he wasn’t bound, he knew he would just collapse if he tried to help, the pain echoing in his own body was sickening.

 

I EXISTED GOD DAMN IT!

 

“Now, Shouyou. I see you have already experienced some of what happens when you open your mouth too wide after I have made my … additions. So you know what we’re going to do?” Her voice was edging on the laughter side of hysteria, and Kageyama hated her. He hated her. “We are going to make you  _ scream.”  _  Hinata’s eyes widened and so did Kageyama’s, and the tall black haired teenager struggled like mad to get out of his bonds, he had to get there and protect the other boy, he  _ had to. _

 

But he watched as she then stripped Hinata of his shirt, and drew pretty little crimson patterns all over his chest, tearing up his muscles and even carving a makeshift Queens symbol into the redhead’s bleeding and gaping chest. “So that no matter what, everyone knows who you belong to, you worthless slut. You whore, selling your body to the Queen, hoping to get secrets that were never yours to know. You try to deny it but I bet you loved her hands on you, didn’t you? You’re a fucking laugh, always trying to hint that I was abused with Kiyoko. But you’re the one acting like a right little prostitute, aren’t you? You know it’s true. Do you have no dignity? I bet you would post videos of yourself online, fucign yourself if someoen offered you something  in return. Cos that’s all you are, really. A dirty little whore, a fuckign pathetic bithc who will sell his body of to the highest bidder.”

 

I EXISTED GOD DAMN IT!

 

Her words were cruel, and Hinata was sobbing as he was carved up inside and out and ashamed of the words savagely pouring out of Yachi’s mouth, a never ending stream of repulsed words feeding his every insecurity, and having Kageyama there to hear all of it made it worse. Meanwhile, he was doing his damndest not to scream and worsen the cuts on the edges of his mouth, but he was in so much pain and it was taking all he had, until he screaming and then screamed more because the intense pain was ripping at his mouth, literally  _ tearing his skin.  _

 

Kageyama wanted to kill Yachi. He could almost understand her sick fascination, almost loving way of talking about killing him. He wanted to kill her so badly. He wanted her to be hurt. He wanted sick things, liek to kill Kiyoko in front of Yachi. It was the same thing, he supposed, but utterly different. He hated it, he hated her, he hated Queens so fucking much and he was screaming again, only the pain in his throat was amplified by the fluid in that goddamn syringe and everything had gone to hell and back again too many times, and he wasn’t sure if he was even sane anymore. 

 

I EXISTED GOD DAMN IT!

 

It was all over in his head, as he watched Yachi then take the brand to Hinata’s ankle too. He screamed, and then screamed, and screamed and screamed and cried and the tears were sliding on to the ground and she was smiling through all of it, like Hinata’s screams of pure undiluted agony were music to her ears, the sounds she had been craving. Kageyama was screaming too, because she was asking him how many last words Hinata was going to have. 

 

_ I EXISTED GOD DAMN IT! _

“Five,” was the redhead’s response, looking at Kageyama with eyes that shouldn’t have been able to see there were so many tears leaking out, adding to the pretty little red decorations on his chest and face and arms and his everything. “I love you, Kageyama Tobio.” Adn Yachi smiled sadly at that, and Kageyama for the first time saw a small hint of remorse in her eyes, and maybe something like hesitation. But she pulled up the gun, her hands only trembling a little bit.

 

The moment Kageyama saw the gun time s t  o   p     p         e d .

 

Memories were rushing through his head, of fas and fast and fast and racing against nothing and no one and wishing it would slow down and it being normal but this was different , this was a complete stand still thais was stopping this was not an ending it was a pause and it was only one moment but it stopped it stopped it stopped it stopped it stopped it stopped it stopped it stopped.

 

_ “You shouldn’t doubt me when I say that I will. You’re walking a narrow line, and if you aren’t really fucking careful you’re going to make more than just one person fall. There’s more at stake here than just your little whims and desires. If I’m considered selfish than it’s nothing compared to how you blindly tarnish people’s lives” _

 

_ “You’re acting all rebellious right now, but we both know that as soon as I threaten your little Tobio you’ll be right back around my pinky, you and your pathetic little thing you call love!”  _

 

_ “I love you” _

 

_ Time, Kageyama realized, had always been fleeting. _

 

_ Hadn’t he always known that, on some level? _

 

_ Hadn’t he? _

 

_ Fleeting, he thought, but slow. Because the gun was frozen, and everything was frozen, and maybe he was wrong. Because the only reasonable explanation for everything around him going so slow, so motionless, was that his mind was going fucking fast. And if going fast meant more Hinata, he was all for it.  _

 

_ Gone were the wishes for no more fast time. _

 

_ Gone.  _

 

_ Because time was gone too, in a way.  _

 

_ Had he always known Hinata was that beautiful? Even when cut up and sobbing and about to die, that redhead was… beautiful.  _

 

_ And time, he kept repeating, was fleeting.  _

 

The spell of still was broken with a loud noise, a rush of people, a gunshot amidst confusion, and for the second time that day, everything for Kageyama went absolutely black. 

 

_ “Don’t leave.”  _

  
_ “I promise, I’m staying right here.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Kageyama and Hinata are both tortured by Yachi, and when Yachi goes to Hinata with a gun time "stops" everything goes mysteriously black after a loud noise and a rush of people and a possible gunshot. It isn't confirmed if wither of them are dead, or who the people were.


	29. Chapter 29

This time, no one was screaming when he woke up. It was still sort of like when a camera goes into focus, except he was more or less comfortable. He was laying down, he could tell that much, but Kageyama couldn’t tell where he was. It was soft and white all around, pure he thought. He wondered, for a stupid solitary moment, if he had died and was currently in heaven.

 

Then he realized he was in a hospital. 

 

“Oh, you’re awake,” said a voice near him. He struggled to move his head to see who it was, but after he did it took only a small sight of the blonde hair to recognize Tsukishima. Sitting right next to the tall blonde was none other than his kind hearted boyfriend, Yamaguchi. “Finally. Did you just get bored of making us peasants wait, your majesty?” He didn’t have any bite behind his words, despite the words themselves being somewhat harsh. Kageyama smiled weakly at them, feeling kind of like he had been frozen, broken, taped back together and heated up in a shitty microwave. To put it simply, he felt fucking awful. 

 

“Something like that,” he replied, not taking the bait into an argument. He wasn’t up for that, and when he had his two best friends in front of him, fighting didn’t really matter at all to him. Just them. Them and their stupid gushy way of talking to each other, and his pride at being their third wheel. “I love you guys,” he whispered,  watching as their eyes widened and Tsukishima looked like he wanted to punch something. “I realized that I haven’t told you guys that enough while I was… while I was… you know.”

 

“That’s… that’s gay,” commented the blonde, trying to act like it didn’t bother him. Only a second later, he clenched his fist and mttered, “fuckign hell Tobio, what they did to you… fuck I want to kill every single fuckign one of them, and-” he was cut off by a morose looking Yamaguchi putting his hand on the blonde’s arm gently. They exchanged a look, all three of them, filled with regret and sorrow. 

 

“I’m just glad you’re okay, Tobio,” Yamaguchi told the tall raven haired setter with a slightly tearful smile. “We were so worried for you when you didn’t show up to practice at all, and we knew something was wrong and  _ no one  _ knew where you were and when someone reported hearing screams in a warehouse in the city and we found out that the Queens victims were you and Hinata we-” his voice broke a little. “Well, they told us you might not live.” There was a small pause. “We love you too, Tobio,” Yamaguchi’s words were quiet. “We didn’t know what we’d do without you. I never want to know, do you get that? I was so,  _ so worried.”  _

 

Kageyama nodded, his expression pained. “I know. I’m sorry.” Tsukishima shook his head almost violently, looking angry and upset and a little bit like he wanted to cry for no reason at all and every reason in the world. His eyes were blazing with a fire that Kageyama wasn’t sure if he had ever seen before in those particular eyes.

 

“No, fuck no. It’s not your fault, you dumbass. You didn’t do this. You didn’t do… whatever they did to you. The details are still uncertain, all we know is what we found in your arms and what they analyzed that they had to repair… and fuckign hell, it’s just  _ sick  _ what they did to you-”

 

“She,” interrupted Kageyama. They blinked. 

 

“What?” Yamaguchi asked.

 

“She. It was Yachi who did this to me. She - she did all of it. With a sort of pleasure, like a fucking sadist and she …” Kageyama trailed off, images he never wanted to return showing up in his head while he felt like he was going to throw up. He shook his head, and felt some tears prickle behind his eyes. Would he ever escape from the images in his head, from the phantom voice in his ears, the choke in his throat at the mere memory? Would he ever break free?

“It was … Yachi? But…?” Yamaguchi trailed off, and then his eyes widened in horror. “We haven’t seen her in days. And what Hinata said to her at volleyball… you don’t mean?” he sounded surprised and aghast at the awful revelation. Tsukishima had a similar reaction. Kageyama felt like he was going to projectile vomit all over both of them. He couldn’t take the images in his head any longer. 

 

_ “We can’t have any of my maggot friends falling out, now can we?” _

 

“Tobio? What is it you’re scaring us.”

 

_ “Everyone says you only live once, but you also only die once. There are so many ways I want to kill you, Tobio, but sadly I have to pick and choose one. If only you had nine lives, like a cat. Oh, I could kill you so many times, and in creative ways too! By firing squad, we could even use a guillotine! Maybe that would be too humane for you… just think, I could have you die from blood loss by hacking off all your limbs! This is making me sad now, you know. Why do you have to only have one life?” _

 

“Tobio!”

 

_ “We are going to make you  _ scream.”

 

“Tobio! Tobio!”

 

_ “I love you, Kageyama Tobio.” _

 

“Tobio!  _ Tobio!”  _ It was with the more urgent tone that Kageyama returned to the current moment, the time with him safe in a hospital with his friends, no syringe to make his nerves whatever she made them in sight. He was… okay? But was Hinata? Oh god, what happened to Hinata?! He made eye contact with a panicked looking Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. “You zoned out, Tobio, and looked like you were about to stop breathing, what happened?”

 

They were right, he realized. He wasn’t breathing. He suddenly felt his lungs pretty much collapse as he gasped in a breath that racked through his entire body, and suddenly he was breathing loudly and making loud sobbing noise but no tears were coming it was just him trying to fill up his forever empty lungs, choking on memories that were raping and terrorizing and scarring over again in his broken mind, his shattered psyche. 

 

“She…” he whispered. He bit down hard on his lip again, because he couldn’t take it. The memories, they were rushing through and destroying him and he would never be safe, she had snuck into and poisoned forever the one place he could never escape, his mind. He was always going to be subject to the terrors running wild within the confines of his head, he was defeated, he realised, even though he had escaped. He would never be free, he was never free. 

 

“Yo,” a voice shattered the silence that had fallen over Yamaguchi and Tsukishima and Kageyama like a cold and soaked through blanket, the shards almost felt like they had scrapped up and battered at the tall raven haired teen’s skin. They looked up to see Hinata standing in the doorway, and Tsukishima stood up wiht Yamaguchi almost on cue, like it had been planned or something. 

 

“We’ll be leaving now,” Tsukishima said abruptly, patting Kageyama’s bed lightly before turning with Yamaguchi on his arm, and starting to walk away with a rigid force in his step.

 

“See you, we’ll talk later Tobio. I promise,” called Yamaguchi, and Hinata stepped in as they stepped out, closing the door behind them with a small and strangely satisfying  _ click.  _

“It’s been a while,” Hinata voiced his thoughts, his expression pained but looking relieved. Kageyama heard none of it though, he was busy drinking in Hinata’s appearance. The redhead had stitches running up his face form the sides of his mouth, black stitches that made him look like he was almost smiling even when he was not. Then there were the bandages around the redhead’s arms, ones that looked similar to Kageyama’s own. 

 

His hair was all shaved on one side. Kageyama seemed to remember Yachi cutting some of it as a means of humiliating Hinata, destroying the dignity that comes with having hair. Though he knew what her purpose was, Kageyama had to say that Yachi had failed to run how Hinata looked because honestly despite the stitches and especially with the new side shave, Hinata looked hotter than ever, and somehow more confident too. 

 

“What?” Kageyama interrupted when he realised that Hinata was speaking and words were coming out of the redhead’s mouth but he hadn’t heard a single one of them. The shorter boy blinked, halting in the middle of his speech, and then sighed a little like he was laughing and a little like he was sorrowful. He walked closer to where Kageyama wished that he wasn’t lying down. 

 

“Nothing. It’s good to see you, Tobio. It really is.” The taller teen frowned on the bed, his brows furrowing in confusion and a thought that Hinata was really, really weird.

 

“Why are you talking like we haven’t seen each other in like, weeks? Or months?” The redhead grimaced, and looked out the window, flashing Kageyama with the side of his face. The blue eyed setter wondered what the hell was going. 

 

“Well, if you remember, because Tooru was a Queens member he didn’t get torture, at least in the physical sense. For me it was sort of the same, except you just got hurt… a lot more than me. Probably more in both the physical and mental sense, because what she did to you…” he sighed. “It fucks with every part of you. So when we were sent to the hospital, you had sustained more actual damage tan me. Most of the cuts on me weren’t even that deep anyway. The worst thing she really did to me was this,” he rubbed the edges of his mouth with his hand lightly.  He was quiet for a moment, then went on, “Really, that meant that I only needed to spend a couple days in the hospital. They wanted me in for more, but, well… I snuck out.”

 

“Snuck out?! Then what are you doing here? You know, that’s a really shitty job of sneaking out if you only made it to a someone else’s hospital room.” The words were more teasing than anything, and then Kageyama asked quietly, “Why do you need to anyway? They don’t know that you’re with- he looked around the room for cameras really quickly suddenly, realising they might have security footage being taken, “-them.”

 

Hinata looked sad at him. “I’m … I’m sorry, Tobio, but they left documents exposing who I was and what I did. They must have known that there was a chance I was going to escape, or that somehow they were going to fail to kill me. Or, maybe they knew that you would be missed kind of fast, and in case someone came to rescue you they didn’t want to fight, because you honestly weren’t worth it to them. So they wanted to ruin me, whether it be from torture and death or from taking away a future and making me forever recognizable,” he touched the stitches by his mouth and laughed bitterly, more like a bark than anything. 

 

“So they don’t know you’re visiting me right now?” Kageyama asked, “And they’re… searching to imprison you?” Hinata nodded, looking like he wasn’t even that sad about it, just bitter and annoyed. The black haired boy stared at the ceiling. He didn’t want to believe it. How was he going to have a future with someone who  was no doubt recognizable? With someone being hunted by the authorities? Someone who was a murderer, and now everyone knew it? All of his hopes for Hinata were crumbling away, falling to the ground like nothing and stardust. 

 

“Yeah, well… we’re not all as lucky as you, Tobio. I don’t know if they told yo this, they being Yamaguchi and tsukishima, but we bought your freedom in the time you were out. Queens will never attack you again.” Kageyama blinked. They would ever hurt him again? But what was the price?! His confusion and alarm must have showed on his face, because Hinata explained. “The documents left on you showed that you weren’t really a bad person like me. You didn’t do shit except try to help me, you aren’t a, well, murderer. So they made contact with the authorities of Queens, and wanted to force them to never hurt you again. They couldn’t get that, but for a pretty sum  of money they bought your freedom from Queens. More or less the same thing as forcing them, except Queens got something out of it, I guess. Like they need money. Whatever.”

 

Hinata looked upset about it, for some reason. “But… what about you?” Kageyama asked, feeling confused at all of it. How long had he been asleep anyway? “Why aren’t you free from Queens too? I know you’re not exactly the best person, but if they look at the circumstances…” he trailed off in his speech when he saw the redhead boy shaking his head at the blue eyes setter gently. 

 

“I don’t think you understand, Tobio. No one argues on behalf of a murderer.”

 

“But you-” Kageyama started to argue, and Hinata cut him off again.

 

“Killed people. Tortured,  _ just  _ like Yachi did. Hurt numerous people. I’m no better than her, and they’re actually trying to hunt me down. So both the police  _ and  _ Queens don’t like me. I’ll have to go find somewhere I can be a little punk on my own, I guess. Maybe I’ll move to America. I just know I need to go far, far underground. Perhaps I’ll go as far as to fake my own death, I don’t know yet. The plans are all kind of on the spot right now.”

 

Kageyama deflated, feeling a prickling behind his eyes again, but nodding. He understood. There wasn’t anything he could do to stop this, it was already started. There was nothing he could do to help, he was bound again, this time to his injuries in the hospital bed, he was recovering. “So.. I’m never going to see you again? And how long have I been out exactly? Just curious.” he added the last part on the spot. 

 

Hinata smiled sadly. “You’ve been asleep for about… two weeks? No. One and a half? I think that’s right. Sorry for not knowing about it all that well, I’ve been hiding out in the city for a part of it. I just bargained with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima that they would tell me when you were awake. I wanted to say goodbye before I … before I go, you know. Cos I have to.” Kageyama looked down. A week and a half. And… leaving? Of course he knew it was going to happen, it just still sounded foreign and wrong to his ears. His ears, who wanted nothing more than to hear that Hinata was going to stay with him, no matter what, that Hinata loved him still.

 

“Fuck,” muttered Kageyama, wincing. “Things really have gone to shit, haven’t they?” Hinata smiled sadly again a the blue eyes setter. 

 

“Yeah, they have. But hey, at least I think I’ll be able to see you again,” he told the black haired teenager, who’s head perked up with the news. “I mean, not very soon, right, and probably not all that frequently, but I’ll make sure that I’ll come visit you, tell you all about my new life and my escapades. Tell you...everything, maybe.” The words, though sweet promises that he loved, were too loving for both of their own goods, Kageyama knew. 

 

“I’m not going to wait for you,” he decided right as he voiced his thought, and a flash of surprise went over the redhead male’s face. “I mean, I’m not going to let my heart go on aching for years and years and a lifetime, Shouyou. I’ll always love you, you know that. But I’m not going to let that hold me back from being with other people. From moving on. I’m not going to wait for you to sweep me off my feet and then leave me, like you will inevitably have to. Basically, I guess I’m not going to just sit around waiting for you forever. It’s just not me.” Hinata nodded sadly.

“I always felt that was probably going to happen. I wouldn’t feel for you the way I do if you were anyone else, so I can’t blame you for being who you are, I guess.” The redhead blinked, looking morose. “Shit, Tobio. We kind of fucked up a lot of people, didn’t we? Just cos I was prideful, and because you’re a nosy fucking shit.” Kageyama laughed a little bit, but Oikawa’s last words were echoing through his head still, coupled with being blamed for causing them in the first place. 

 

“I won’t move on completely, you know. I’ll even tune into the news for you, watch to see where everyone thinks you are, granted as clueless as them but not all the same. I don’t think I could ever fully get over you if I wanted to, Shouyou,” the black haired boy told him, and Hinata looked at Kageyama like it was the raven haired boy who sent the planets spinning all around in the galaxies and the universe.

 

“Agh, no. I don’t believe that. Maybe you think so, but if you had ever seen yourself you’d understand. You’re so… brave, tobio. Brave and strong and really honestly utterly independent. You don’t need me, that’s the truth, as much as I selfishly wish you did. You’ll go on with your life, I’m sure. I’d like to be conceited enough to say you’ll never move past me, but that’s honestly unrealistic. You will, I can almost swear. Still, I will keep hanging on. Because as much as you don’t need me, I need you like the fucking air.”

 

Kageyama actually laughed at that. “You’re full of shit, Hinata Shouyou. If you don’t think that I need you then you’re crazy.” Hinata just stood up from the hair he had pulled over to sit down next to Kageyama’s hospital bed with, shaking he is head no all the while. Kageyama felt that had happened a lot this visit, Hinata shaking his head at him and telling him he was wrong with a gentle firmness he would miss when Hinata was gone. 

 

“No, I’m just not in denial. Well, I’ve got to be going. I’m sorry to cut this short, but,” he motioned to the window, and outside Kageyama saw police cars pulling up, “that is my cue to leave you. Hopefully I’ll be seeing you around sometime. Until then, I guess,” and Hinata started to walk. And even though he knew that yes, the redhead had to go because fuck the police were there, Kageyama grasped Hinata’s shirt lightly. 

 

“Wait,” he told the boy, halting his movements completely. He pulled down Hinata and kissed him, deep yet quick, and smiled at the redhead gently. “I love you. I’m going to miss you.” Hinata bit his lip, and kissed Kageyama again, almost like he was making sure that the raven haired teen was still real, still living, still breathing air, and still promising that he would watch the news for sight of him.

 

“I love you too, Kageyama Tobio. Take care. I’ll see you soon.”

  
Though they both wanted to believe it would be soon, Kageyama thought that maybe both of them knew that was a lie.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I just wanted to write a quick note before I start the final chapter.
> 
> I started this fucker in like June, can you believe it? And I never picked up that large of a following, but the people who have stuck with me, whether you discovered this yesterday or the day I wrote the first chapter and put it out for the world to see, you are honestly the best and I'm honored to have you with me for the ending of this journey. I might revisit this AU, but this story in itself is over and done with, you aren't getting any sequels, nothing. Sorry, I'm just really ready for this to be over.
> 
> I want to thank anyone who ever commented on this, or ever will, because when I was going through a rough patch of writer's block mixed with finals and school stress, those comments and kind words really helped me start to write again. 
> 
> This story has been hell to write and heaven all at once, and as happy as I am to be done I am just as sad that it's over. Once again, thank you everyone for making the long journey with me worth it all the way through to the end.
> 
> A quick thank you to SilverDragon00, who helped edit quite a few of the chapters. I really honestly appreciate your help.
> 
> Now, before I start crying, on with the story!
> 
> -Micah

It had been a while.

 

One of the first things he noticed without Hinata was that time had found a way to move fast on its own. It no longer needed the red hair like fire to spur it on towards a darkening horizon every night, because soon enough third year was over and Kageyama had graduated and it didn’t feel right without Hinata, but the rest of the world didn’t really care as much as he did. There were a lot more reporters there, because some people theorized that Hinata would try and make it to graduation despite dropping out of school, and they wanted a picture of the new world famous renegade. That was what he was called by most everyone as time went by. The renegade. It was almost like a superhero name, except people thought he was more of a villain. Hinata did always say that infamy was better suited for him than fame, he was more likely to be remembered that way.

 

Kageyama had thought several times to himself that if Hinata wanted to be remembered than he was doing a hell of a job, as almost every single person on the world had to know his name, unless they lived under a fuckign rock or something like that. He even had a sort of fan club, people across the globe who thought that the Japanese criminal was inspiring, whether it be because they thought he didn’t deserve to be hated by many or because they thought he was a badass guy with a fuckign cool reputation. 

 

If Hinata had thought honestly that the police wouldn’t have a hard time catching him, then he was proved wrong time and time again. One reason for that was because Hinata was actually pretty fuckign good at evading them and laying  low, while still doing jobs around the globe for various gangs or shti like that. Then there was also the fact that it was a fashion statement for a while to get tattoos running up from the ends of your mouth onto your cheeks to look like stitches after Hinata was sighted with tattoos like those. If a policeman were to see someone with those tattoos, he probably would think nothing but how that punk was someone into the glorification crime or something, but he wouldn’t think it was ‘The Renegade’ himself. 

 

Though the trend died after a year or so, not many people got the tattoos removed. They still thought it made them look badass or something, Kageyama thought. He was not one of the people to get the face tattoos to match Hinata. He figured he had enough matching mental scars with the redhead that he didn’t need any more matching physical ones too. What matching physical mark could be more connecting than the matching Queens brands they had on their ankles? 

 

So, graduation went by without even a sighting of Hinata there. Meanwhile, Kageyama heard that night, Hinata had robbed a bank that had been halfway across the world from Japan. No one expected him there, and therefore Kageyama figured it might as well have been taking candy from a baby. The raven had no idea that Hinata was such a good criminal, it was a little astounding. The world, the press, everyone else seemed to feed off of the excitement that came with a world renowned thief, a world renowned murderer, a world renowned criminal. Well, the volleyball team was a sort of exception. The first and second years knew better than to ask Kageyama what had happened, but it was hard for them to be happy about someone who they had managed to call a friend being hunted all around called a criminal. 

 

When he went to his first year at University, he was sort of viewed as the kid who dated The Renegade. Though he didn’t get nearly as much press as Hinata, people had chipped in from all around the world to pay the sickeningly large sum of money Queens wanted from them in exchange for Kageyama’s freedom. He was word famous too, and though his fame was dying with each year it was still large enough that he could get into pretty much any University he chose. And though maybe Hinata had expected, despite all they had said, for Kageyama to wait for him in Japan, the raven wasn’t much one for waiting, and he wanted to run somewhere too. The raven haired setter ended up going to a University in London, far away from his old home in Japan. He made sure to visit his friends and his mother every once in awhile, but past that he was gone. 

All throughout the first year of University his reputation almost lived for him. He joined the volleyball team at University, and had a reputation for that too, but it was mainly just the ‘he was the guy who was tortured by Queens because he was dating The Renegade’ reputation that people knew of. Kageyama hated it. He didn’t want to be known for a dark part of his life, being known for that almost made the moments never ending. Why couldn’t he just be known for his own skill, for his accomplishments, not the day when he was tortured, not the moments he stole with Hinata, not the sum of money paid in exchange for his freedom. 

 

The really weird moments were when people would randomly come up to him and demand something from him because they claimed they helped chip into the sum of money demanded to pay for his freedom from Queens. They tended to react badly when Kageyama said that even if they proved it, he was thankful but they did it of their own free will and he didn’t see it as him owing them shit. Some people were nice about it, some didn’t claim anything but just wanted to tell him that they supported him, but others would stat screaming at him or hitting him because how dare he say he owed them nothing after they helped pay for his freedom.

 

That was one of the reasons he moved to London. Less people had contributed to the cause in places other than Japan, so it happened far less in London that people demanded shit from him because they had helped pay for his freedom from Queens. There were also less press showing up outside the house he still had to live in with his father while finishing third year, so he didn’t have to worry as much about some reporter wanting the ‘inside scoop’ on what had happened. He had only done a few interviews about it, and in most he tried to play up the idea of leaving him alone to just live his life in peace. Some respected that, but sadly a lot of people did not. 

 

As if to help him out, Hinata didn’t ever mention him. Not that there was really a chance to do so, but he didn’t do shit like leave messages to be forwarded to the raven haired setter. While that kind of hurt, Kageyama understood why, and on a good day he was even able to be thankful for it. On a bad day he... Well. He cursed Hinata’s name a lot in his first year without him. It felt so wrong to play volleyball without the redhead, and in University he went back to his apartment after practice with prickling behind his eyes more than once. 

 

And the nightmares. Oh, the nightmares. He had been right in a sense when he had predicted that even though his freedom from Queens had been bought, his mind would never truly be free from the demons that Yachi had planted there. In this case, he was reaping what she had sown, a harvest of misery crashing down buildings and ruining anything beautiful inside of his tormented mind. He had no idea how to help himself, his therapy didn’t seem to be working. He was going every other day to it, but the problems didn’t stop. He felt hopeless, so all the people in the world with their demands and all of the news about Hinata but not a single word for just him wasn’t really helping.

 

But it was a slow process, he was told. It was a slow process, when all he wanted was Hinata’s quick. But the thing that stuck out over time to him was that time heals, and it healed him just like it hurt and healed nd went on for every other person in the world. By the end of his first year of University, he had a boyfriend of two months and had done one more interview of his own free will, talking bout none of what happened to him with Queens, but fighting for the rights of LGBTQ+ people, and fighting for awareness especially for teens. 

 

His boyfriend was a nice fellow by the name of  Teddy Smith. Theodore, really, but he despised that name. They met in one of Kageyama’s classes, and the raven haired setter was struck by Teddy’s presence. Teddy had brown hair, he was average height, and his green eyes were almost bewitching. He was so unlike Hinata, yet so similar, it was when Kageyama realized that they were really just two different people and that he liked Teddy anyway that he finally said yes to the other male asking him out. And for a while, it was good. Teddy, especially, was good. Good for him. 

 

They did break up, eventually. About a month into the new school year. It wasn’t because they had a fight or anything like that, but Teddy had a really good deal at an internship in a law firm in America. Teddy was a few years older than Kageyama, so he had graduated at the end of Kageyama’s first year in University. Long distance, they both decided, wouldn’t really work for them. Even though the public knew that they were still friends after they broke up, Kageyama being a celebrity brought his breakup with Teddy getting a lot of press coverage. The reporters only stopped trying to ask about it after the first quarter of the school year, Kageyama’s second year in University. 

 

And if any reporters asked about The Renegade, wanting to know if Kageyama had any thoughts about how the crime and activities of  The Renegade had dramatically increased during the time of his relationship and had died down a bit after the breakup, Kageyama could only smile and say he had no idea about any of it. After all, they had just fooled around a bit in high school, right? If anyone thought it was because he was dating Teddy for a while that Hinata’s crime spree and speed had gone up, well that had to be high on something. 

 

The raven haired male thought that maybe soon for them was never going to happen. Because he had not seen Hinata in person for once in the whole time since that day in the hospital, it had been over a year. Sure, Hinata’s face and tattoos were all over the news, his clever smile plastered all over media, but his gentle kiss was no longer the last one that Kageyama had ever felt, Teddy held that position. And, strangely enough to the raven haired setter, he was actually pretty okay with that.

 

Days when he would curse Hinata’s name were gone in his second year, yes, but he had a sort of sad smile on his face whenever the redhead came up in conversation or appeared on a tv when Kageyama was in the news. During skype calls with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, Kageyama’s two best friends saw that smile a lot when the raven haired male might be looking down at his phone. He wasn’t heartsick, he was just sad to say he might be moving on. For someone who had spent the better part of his high school life, three years, loving someone, moving on seemed almost like a death sentence to that part of his life, a part he didn’t want to let go of but he felt his grasp loosening with each and every passing day, with each and every passing hour. 

 

Maybe that was why he uploaded the video onto YouTube. He was tired of people getting him wrong, tired of people thinking that all he ever was and all that he ever world be waas a charity case, a boy toy to the world’s favorite criminal. He wanted to make a real difference. So, despite the not very serious atmosphere of the video, Kageyama went viral on his new channel. He made serious videos, he made funny videos, he spoke in Japanese with English subtitles pout in sometimes, he spoke in English with Japanese subtitles put in sometimes, it was basically his domain to be free and let the world see he was more than they had made him out to be. 

 

He attracted quite a following. Maybe it was because he was already famous before he started, but he had 10,000 subscribers after only just five videos, and the numbers just went up from there. He made friends online, and started doing collabs with other YouTubers, and let himself be heard. He thought maybe it was his channel that saved him in the end, because seeing all the people that supported him, seeing all the people that he helped… it made him want to go on living. It chased away Yachi’s demons, and planted seeds of hope inside what he had once thought was a ruined mind. 

 

He felt alive again. 

 

When Yachi’s body was found with a Queens brand on her ankle at the end of his second year of University, Kageyama didn’t sleep for a week. He didn’t check his channel, he didn’t contact anyone. He couldn’t believe it. She had ruined him, she had destroyed his mind, and after he picked it back together again… it was over. It was over. And maybe that was when Oikawa’s last words stopped echoing in his head. He paid tribute to them in his video “Quotes I Try To Live By,” Where he listed ten quotes that he, well, tried to live by. 

 

One of them was “How Long is Forever? Sometimes, Just One Second” by Lewis Carroll, and he explained that his mother had loved Carroll’s works, and that the quote was on her gravestone. He found it almost nice when people were confused by that, and he realized that to some people he wasn’t the kid who got his head fucked with and dated The Renegade, he was just a YouTuber. When he mentioned Oikawa’s last words he said, “these words, well… they were said in a time in defeat. I try to live by them to help me remember that even when you have given everything and you’re beaten down and you’re fuckign about to die… well, you can still be victorious.”

 

There were a few articles about that, and some people theorized that those words had been spoken when he had been tortured by Queens. Others thought that it was merely one of the things that his mom had said (which two of them were in the video, one of them being “never shave without shaving cream” and one of them being “macaroni and cheese is always an option, no matter how many days in a row you’ve eaten it.”)

 

Other people thought that maybe those words were what The Renegade had told him while they were dating and living bitter lives filled with sparks and dramatic love and gunfire. The public somehow made Kageyama and Hinata’s pathetic love story out to be so much more dramatic than it was. They also mostly thought that all the way through high school they had dated, which Tsukishima was grumpy about because he fuckign dated Kageyama too why wasn’t anyone writing fanfiction about them (because they had several times where they read fanfiction about Hinata and ‘The Renegade’ slash fiction, finding the stories fucking hilarious).

 

After he returned to the internet after Yachi was found dead, he hd so much support it was crazy. A day later, he received a note t his door, taped to it almost carelessly. It was just a simply piece of white paper, with a small poem typed out onto it with a font that Kageyama didn’t very much like. As he read through the poem and then looked at who is was from, his eyes widened.

 

_ It all started with hatred  _

_ And eyes burning bright _

_ Please forgive me, I was shallow _

_ Though you definitely weren’t right _

_ Though soon never seemed to come _

_ My feelings  felt they were for naught _

_ But Alas I always loved you _

_ Even when time didn’t stop _

_ Yours, Dumbass _

 

He had been out buying milk at the grocery store and had just returned to his apartment when he saw the note. The raven haired setter felt his breathing speed up. “Though soon never seemed to come…”? Was that a reference to Hinata’s promise to the tall blue eyes male that he would see him again soon? Or was it just someone playing a prank on Kageyama? If it was a prank, he thought, then that person certainly did their research to know that they started off hating each other, that he was promised a soon, and that Kageyama had once told Hinata that he found it funny time had never stopped for them like it did in the movies. Still, he didn’t want to get his hopes up. He knew what would happen if they came crumbling down. He might not recover for awhile. Still, he couldn’t help but hope as he opened the door of his apartment, clutching at the small white note like a life force. 

 

There, sitting at his table and cheerfully drinking orange juice the colour of his hair, was Hinata, skin decorated with piercings and tattoos and looking around with a bemused expression on his face. The redhead smiled at him, wide, as Kageyama stared in shock. “Oi, Bakageyama Tobio,” Hinata said in a greeting, and held up a hand in a sort of wave.

  
“Hi.”

**Author's Note:**

> I want to get to know some of my readers, if you want to you can kik me at ScarletShadow9.
> 
> Updates for When Time Didn't Stop are on Thursdays.


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